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Relapse: I am a hypocrite!

Old 01-19-2010, 01:18 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Your concerns are valid, I didn't mean to say otherwise.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:00 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hmmm well in my job i get entrusted with millions of pounds of budget a year...i don't think that they would be too thrilled to know that i am an alcoholic...so being, at the moment, in a small community in a small area of a city where i am most definitely a foreigner and stick out like a sore thumb did i worry about going to the only christian church in a muslim country and hanging around outside waiting for an AA meeting to start...of course i didn't because my sobriety is my number one priority:-)
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:05 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I find I have to stay honest and keep in touch with others every day to stay true to myself.
So well said Dee.
The issue of anonymity is crucial. Here in Sweden a rather nutty high profile gossip columnist turned trashy author wrote a scathing exposť "novel" of her failed relationship with another high profile author. She dragged his name and lots of other people's names through the mud, including detailed descriptions and names of people at her AA meeting! At every AA meeting, and I assume every NA meeting, the importance of anonymity is repeated.

Lurking in strange alleys to pick up a white chip so nobody finds you're not the person you had them believe you were is not complete and total honesty. I get the distinct impression that regardless of your pleas for guidance and acceptance, you're more concerned about your reputation than you are your recovery.
I kind of see your point J, but....do we really have "strange alleys" in recovery?
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FRESHCLAY (01-20-2010)
Old 01-20-2010, 04:42 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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First of all, thank you for all your responses. I appreciate every single bit of feedback given. I understand the nature of the spiritual axiom. Therefore, I understand that I will truly benefit from the responses that questions my motives as being ego-driven rather than driven by concern for my family's financial well being. For those who believe that I am avoiding picking up a chip based solely on personal and professional hubris, please understand that it was my sponsor who advised me not to do so. Unfortunately, it's a trade-off between receiving the benefit of true humility by humbling yourself in the program and continuing to hurt my family's finances. Loss of my professional integrity at work could lead to loss of job, loss of income, house, ability to provide and pay for college tuition for my teens etc..."Except when to do so would injure them..." I find myself in a spiritual conundrum and quagmire. However, I do know, that in the end, my honesty is left between God and I. So I am keenly aware of the importance of "To thine own self be true." I am humbly asking God to help me keep this in mind. At the same time, I am keeping my ears open to all feedback while loving God and loving other people, because in the end, nothing else matters.
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Old 01-20-2010, 08:44 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Sounds like you'll make the right decision whatever you decide to do.

peace x
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Old 01-20-2010, 09:26 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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You are not a hypocrite. You have a disease. If I had diabetes and didn't take my insulin, would that make me a hypocrite?...no, it would make me someone who had a problem I wasn't dealing with properly. Like you said, cunning, baffling, powerful. The drink is your demon. It doesn't care about you, your family, your job. It is a part of your mind that wants alcohol NO MATTER WHAT. You have not failed. You know what you need to do or you wouldn't have come clean to those who are close to you. I myself go WAY out of my way to get to meetings, I am only comfortable talking about my disease among strangers (sounds strange, but it works.) Congrats on the five years you did have sober. Thank your Higher Power for them. Then, humbly ask that the Higher Power help you again. The marijuana maintenance comment made me chuckle; you wouldn't believe how many people I know who are that plan...and as we well know, it doesn't work. Get yourself back on track. You can do this. Welcome to SR

Edited to add that my boss knows I attend AA meetings...it is not a secret, I just prefer to take part in meetings with people I don't know...gives me a whole new perspective on things.
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FRESHCLAY (01-21-2010)
Old 01-20-2010, 09:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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All The best Freshclay in what you decide and that Marijuana maintenance sounds like a real joke. I ain't read anything about it but for me personally I don't need to. Sounds just like an excuse to still have a chemical fix in ones life to me. I'm an alclholic/addict so it's either no mind-altering chemical or all of them!

peace
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Old 01-20-2010, 10:26 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hey FRESHCLAY, it is why Keeping it Green is something I keep right there in front of me when dealing with others (especially the new comer) in recovery.

I do not have any intention of picking up but I know I'm just one step away from a relapse as everyone else. One drink and there I am.

I hope your sharing has brought you some relief.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:32 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I realize that my original response was pretty blunt and it was meant to be. But we're dealing with a very serious subject here: Honesty. We all recognize the importance of and often lack of anonymity in meetings today. But that's been going on forever and it's just something we have to deal with. My whole point to Freshclay is that by going out of town to pick up a white chip, he's being dishonest to his home group. (And yes, the reference to "back alleys" was a very poor choice of words.) These people believe that he has five years of sobriety. He doesn't, and he isn't going to correct that belief. I understand his rationale behind his decision, but again let me say that I don't agree with it.

I think I have two problems with this whole thing. The first is understanding what kind of home group would penalize a member by financially ruining him? What kind of group would ever hold it against someone who comes clean and clarifies that he hasn't been completely honest? And what kind of sponsor would actually suggest that he pick up a white chip somewhere else and keep the whole thing a secret? I'm truly baffled here.

Freshclay, this issue has nothing to do with "except when to do so would harm them...." That, Sir, is dealing with making amends. I would suggest that you read that part of pg. 59 of the Big Book (1st Edition, of course) where it states "Half measures availed us nothing." or the top of pg 58 where it discusses a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty. You are the one that has to make the final decision in this matter. And it's not just a question of where you pick a white chip, it's a question of you and honesty. It's also a question, I feel, of do you want to continue to belong to a group that would penalize rather that help you; and do you want a sponsor who encourages you to take half measures?
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Old 01-20-2010, 01:37 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, FRESHCLAY & I personally want to thank you for coming on here and opening up like you did. I'm not going to get into the debate over whether you should or shouldn't go to your home group and get your white chip. I see both sides.

The reason I replied is that I hope that every single person who reads this really stops and think about what I feel is the heart of your "confession." This disease IS cunning, baffling and powerful and it will sneak up on you when you least expect it. I had to chuckle when you said marijuana maintenance program because I've never heard that expression before. But it makes complete sense to some who used to be referred to as the Queen of Relapse at the hospital where I detoxed a zillion times. This disease is like a hawk that circles it's prey from above, just waiting for the right moment to strike. This disease is more convincing than the best salesman in the world . . . it can convince you that it's ok if you're in pain to swallow a few pills because after all, they are a prescription. It's ok to just smoke a joint because it's "only weed" and doctors DO prescribe it for certain patients. This disease will convince you that you have 5 years Clean & Sober, you know how to handle this, you're under a lot of pressure at work, many responsibilities at home as well, so smoking a joint here and there is ok just as long as you don't drink. I could list a hundred ways that my disease came back and bit me in ass and before I knew it, I was in worse shape then I was when I started back on day one, full of guilt and shame.

Rather than judge FRESHCLAY or try to tell him what we think he should or shouldn't do, I think we should all stop and look around at our own circumstances and be aware of that hawk that is circling above each and every one of us . . . waiting patiently.

Thank You for being here for me today,
Judy
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Old 01-20-2010, 09:07 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Once again, I appreciate everyone's feedback and support. God bless you!
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Old 01-20-2010, 09:11 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Welcome, Clay...we're glad you're here.
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