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I know what I am

Old 01-14-2010, 12:24 PM
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I know what I am

I am an alcoholic and drug addict.

Without this firm acceptance then I would be certain for failure ie- to drink/drug again.

When pangs of mourning/sadness briefly hit when people are discussing what music festivals, crazy holidays or whatever they are gonna be attending this year then my greatest weapon is that I know I am an alclholic and drug addict and that they ain't. Thus for me to attend any of these events would have dramatic implications on my whole life. No-one wants to no you when you're down and out. I never got there but I could see the writing on the wall. Sitting in a police cell has a great way of bringing you down to earth.

Like Mick sang "You can't always get what you want"...

Grateful for my acceptance... without this I would be destined for failure. With it I can be destined for success. I have came so far in these 6+months of sobriety. This is purely as a result of total and utter acceptance that I am an alclholic and that one drink would be suicide. Easy for your mind to say that sounds dramatic but for me not so... I remember what it was like this time last year and what it's like now for me.

I am grateful for the hope that I feel for the future and that I know that to drink is to die. Even more so at 24, it can get a bit of a mind f*ck at times but with my acceptance of my alcoholism then it soon quitens the noise down. I am not like like the many others because I am alcoholic and drug addict.

Peace x
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Old 01-14-2010, 12:51 PM
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Hi Neo,

Many times over the years I have read P449 of the Big Book

"Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober"

Finally I understand that. I am an alcoholic and a compulsive overeater and far from being shying away from that I am embracing it.

I can never drink again.
I can never eat those foods again.

Far from being a concern to me, it is actually a bloody relief!!!!!


At your age you have learned so much. I would add that you are a fortunate alcoholic

Great post.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:03 PM
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Just look how far you've come. I'm so proud of alll that you've accomplished & I know how you've struggled at times.

At 24 I would never have reached the conclusion you have. I went on for many more years, insisting it was a willpower thing. Thanks for sharing your low points with us, as well as your triumphs.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:25 PM
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Hi Neo, I've read your posts over the past months and they just keep getting better and better. Good for you!
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:30 PM
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Great progress for sure.

When I was 24, I didn't even consider I had a problem. I just thought my way of life was the way life was. Of course the blackouts/consequences were about 7 years away from happening, but that is another story.

Congrats and thanks for the uplifting post.
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Old 01-15-2010, 12:31 PM
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I feel that being a recovering alcoholic who is still young it is even more imperitive to have an absolutely rigid, rock solid, unshakeable step 1 foundation.

This is really proving the case for me at the moment particularly on a Friday at work when talk of all the nights out are going on. I was questioned today about whether I could drink again ever in the future when I have "calmed down" and have kids/wife etc and I was rigid that I can never drink "One day at a time." I really feel that in order to not get hopelessly depressed about your situation then Step 1 has to be solid as a rock. certainly as a single male. You have to have absolute certainty that staying away from that first drink at all costs is gonna be worth it!! Especially when all the chcicks are going to the places where that first drink is being chcuked at you!!

I had my slight thoughts of Friday night jitters briefly enter my mind but I stay rigid and just let it all pass. The Longer I am in recovery the more I am starting to get to know my mind, though it still catches me unaware at times and I have to chant the serenity prayer over and over a few times!! LOL.

I have had some good news tonight which would never have happened if I was still playing around with the notion that I could ever take another drink. If I'm drinking I'm drinking and I ain't in life, even if I'm not drinking then I'm ultimately planning drinking. Now I can be active in the game of life. The two aint compatible for this 24 year old alclholic!!


peace and Love xxx
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Old 01-15-2010, 12:51 PM
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Great post, Neo.

There must be a lot of pressure on someone your age being around your peers who are all out on Fri/Sat night. I can understand your concerns and how the doubt can cunningly slip its way back in. Your solid foundation will serve you well.

Congratulations on receiving the good news ....recovery is a joy, even on a Friday night.

By the way, I am 41 year old single woman and my mind occassionally worries about how I will met a man now I am a non-drinker......and I don't even go out on Fri and Sat nights anymore!! My mind tells me that everyone drinks ?!

I remind myself quickly that God has plans for me providing I keep my side of the bargain and hand my will over to him. I don't know what is around the corner (or who) but I am certain that it is far, far better than I could ever have imagined for myself.

I would say if you keep working the programme as thoroughly as you do, you will have far more success in your love life than you could ever find Friday night down the pub, knocking back the beers.
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Old 01-15-2010, 03:16 PM
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I can totally relate to you man. I am 24 as well and recently realized I am an alcoholic. I have been sober 20 days or so and been going to meetings(often twice a day) for a week and a half. I know its not much yet but it is a start.

I realize that if I take that first drink I could do more irreparable damage to myself or others so I don't take that drink one day at a time.

It is hard, all my friends drink. I have dropped out of my social world and stay home, work, go to AA. I have not seen many of my friends since I hit bottom a few weeks ago. I just have to avoid people, places, and things that would encourage me to drink for a while.
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Old 01-15-2010, 03:48 PM
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Hey man. Thanks for posting! Good to know I ain't alone!!

Hang in there man, it may seem like a real mindf*ck at times being 24 and having to pretty much stay home, work, go to AA but thats just gotta be done for people like us. I have to be still very careful about my life at the moment 6 months in. I just realise that this staying in/working recovery has just gotta be done if I want to be able to get a decent life in my future. I know what it feels like to hit that rock bottom man and it ain't pretty is it?

I view it very much how you say it "I realize that if I take that first drink I could do more irreparable damage to myself or others so I don't take that drink one day at a time" I know if I was to ever take that first drink then something catastrophic could happen which could totally wreck my whole life and then I wouldn't have nothing to get out for and could see myself just give-in to my alcohohlism. I don't want that, would be such a waste of my life.

I never want to go back where I came from, I relaised I could have gone lower materially but mentally I was wrecked. I was just done with it.

If I could have seen where I am now 12 months ago I wouldn't have believed it. All thanks to staying sober one day at a time. Still a long way from being perfect but it's progress!


Thanks again man, peace x
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Old 01-15-2010, 04:13 PM
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Great post and responses!
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Old 01-15-2010, 04:17 PM
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I didn't even *start* drinking regularly til I was 25...and it took me til 40 to accept I had to stop...so you're really on a good thing Neo.

Well done mate

D
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Old 01-16-2010, 03:11 PM
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I guess it's all about patience in many ways.

Knowing that I am doing the right thing and having the faith that it will all pay off in the end. I really ain't too bothered about materialistic things really. I would be happy with finding a girl who I deeply love and being just able to really enjoy life again. To be able to do things together and be at one with myself whils't doing them. Thats what I'm hoping for really, not too much to hope for really compared to the long list I used to want and all the glitz and glamour and bright light s I used to crave. If other things happen as an off-shoot of that then great.

Good things come to those who wait... We know there is no happy ending for us and booze. I don't want to ever get complacent about it either, so thats the only tricky thing really, knowing when to start letting my guard and defences down again and letting other people back into my life who ain't got no concept of what it means to be a recovering alcoholic/addict.
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Old 01-16-2010, 03:32 PM
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Hey NEO. It is a real opportunity to help others getting sober at your age. I can read your posts and know you are grateful. When I was 24 recovery was nowhere on my horizon. It took another 16 years to get sober (50).
Congratulations on your success so early in life..
Stay the course and don't let up!
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Old 01-16-2010, 04:05 PM
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Hi Neo

Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
I would be happy with finding a girl who I deeply love and being just able to really enjoy life again. To be able to do things together and be at one with myself whils't doing them. Thats what I'm hoping for really, not too much to hope for really compared to the long list I used to want and all the glitz and glamour and bright light s I used to crave.
For someone so young you are very wise. You have a lot to be grateful for for your addictions. They truly have been your greatest teachers. God will put the right person in your life just when the time is right, so yes, it is about patience. Obviously the time is not right for you yet. God's plan is that you need more time to grow spiritually. No doubt when she does comes into your life, she will be the lucky one.

the only tricky thing really, knowing when to start letting my guard and defences down again and letting other people back into my life who ain't got no concept of what it means to be a recovering alcoholic/addict.
I have thought about this a lot myself. I find myself around people who moan all the time with negative talk. Moan about the weather (2nd greatest British pastime after drinking!), the economy, the girl at the checkout, the driver at the traffic lights, the kids, the husband, the weather. It drains me spiritually.

A friend told me that I always see the good in people. I really try to but I find myself being drawn into the negativity just to fit in with the crowd - really just to have friends. I don't like hearing myself moan and this is when I detatch from others. It can get lonely.

I need more time and meditation on this one. And I need to make more connections with people working the programme.
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Old 01-16-2010, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
it may seem like a real mindf*ck at times being 24 and having to pretty much stay home, work, go to AA
Well Done Neo, I was a homeless destitute down and out at 24, and did not see that Drinking had been the major contributor.

I dont see how you have to stay at home, that sounds as if you are missing out. It is possible to get involved in all sorts of social activities, that you will enjoy much more as a sober person, and nice girls like a sober man.
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Old 01-16-2010, 06:41 PM
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Good stuff...

First drink gets me drunk and once I take the first one the ball game is over...

I recollect getting this freed up alot of brain space since I did not mentally masterbate over which drink was my downfall for all those years.

It was always the first sip.

whole first year I read the doctor's opinion daily.....
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Old 01-17-2010, 04:24 AM
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Sunday Morning, Listening to my tunes feeling good, I have life running through my veins as opposed to remnants of alcohol and Cocaine/nicotine/Mdma/THC. Feels great to have hope that what I feel now can be built upon, I think that I have felt serenity and peace at times through this last 6+ months and it was something which cannot be described but can only be felt.

Only by experiencing such mental/emotional/physical/spiritual lows that an alcoholic has to feel before they finally admit to themselves that they are totally powerless over booze and will do whatever is required to stay sober, will one be able to appreciate all of the gifts of sobriety.

Grateful to be alive and not full of remorse/regret/shame/anxiety/paranoia/hopelessness that I used to feel at this time on Sunday morning. So grateful that I know what I am as so many seem to struggle admitting the obvious because there "ego" for whatever reason is not going to allow them too. My ego may have been in full force during my booze-fueld high but as soon as it wore off who was I kidding? More booze or spend all day in bed... Ready, with a heavy heart, for next Fridays binge. If only I could manage to never feel sober then everything would be OK?... alcoholic through and through.


Peace and Love xxx
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Old 01-17-2010, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
Grateful to be alive and not full of remorse/regret/shame/anxiety/paranoia/hopelessness that I used to feel at this time on Sunday morning.
Me too.
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:40 PM
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Another week passes by and things are ticking along in a nice positive forwards direction.

I felt I would post again to this thread I started over a week ago as I find it to still be totally relevant to my continued sobriety.

It is my ultimate armory I am finding and that when any talk about drink/drugs arises, or I see old acqaintances who I used to get stoned with, the first thing that comes to my mind is "Yes... but I'm an alcoholic and drug addict!" This is really helping me greatly and I can talk openly about my past drinking and drug use and not have any sadness or nostalgia at all at present. Instead it is like talking about a totally different person who I am glad I met but I am not sad I will never meet again... I guess thats what they mean about acceptance and the serenity that comes with it! I can say I don't drink or take drugs and I feel 100% OK with that at present, for I know I am an alcoholic and drug addict, so for me it is something which is best left in a former life.

Grateful to be sober and have peace of mind about being sober. Things are slotting into place slowly but surely and this is purely a result of keeping sober One day at a time and working on my recovery. Thanks again SR for letting me share where I'm at.

Who would have thought I could be sitting here on a Friday night without any desire whatsoever to want to use drink or drugs. Very grateful for this.

Peace.
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
Who would have thought I could be sitting here on a Friday night without any desire whatsoever to want to use drink/drugs. Very grateful for this.
That's wonderful and inspiring for those you cannot even imagine how a Friday night can be sober.
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