Words are just words
 

Hi All

I had a great day today. I turned my head off from my recovery, I needed a break from it. I walked around happy and honestly felt fantastic.

I went to my AA meeting tonight and was extremely anxious on sharing and I sat there hoping they wouldnt call on me..and of course, they did, first off! It is a beginners meeting so the first half they talk about a topic, tonight..emotions. I sat and listened.

Once the emotion talk started, I heard things that ran through me and I felt those wonderful feelings leave. I am grateful for today and what it gave and also that I am able to be in reality to hear and feel what others said.

So that part goes and I become more and more anxious about having to speak. I suffer panic disorder and fear creeps over me when I have to speak in front of others but once I start it completely goes. In this group, you dont have to stand at the front, so I dont mind speaking as much (my second time ever)

So, I went red, started talking and felt like I was able to tell my story, well some of it. It would have taken hours to tell the whole story, so I told bits of it and then I got to the most recent stuff. The more I spoke, the more I heard words come out of my mouth that shocked me.

I say, about 3 times a week, "Hi, My name is rachel and i am an alcoholic" or something along those lines depending on the meeting I am at. I hear the words, but still very unsure if I believe them. Words are sometimes just words.

I realised through my speaking (and am very grateful they called me tonight now) that I am able to say things without meaning. I never thought I did that but a reality check came my way. I say I am an alcoholic but struggle with believing it. I have days, like yesterday that I am confident in admitting that and surrendering and then have others like today that make me think, maybe Im not an alcoholic.

My mind is the one playing tricks now, I am no longer doing it. My mind tells me I can drink again and will be able to stop. I know, that I cannot survive doing that and its not possible for me stop. I know the reality, deep down, I really do know that but there is a small fight in me that I am currently struggling with.

The older sober memebers tonight came up to me and thanked me, for reminding them of the early struggles. And you know what that said to me....

You can have what they have...a happy sober life.

Thanks for reading - even if it is all over the place!

What a wonderful post, I really enjoyed reading this and you have been an inspiration to me with your kind words.....xxx

I totally get this...

Until the last couple of weeks i have never vebally admitted i was an alcoholic... at first it was because i didnt want to just follow a trend in the meetings by saying it... and then after seaking with my sponsor i had to admit... it was because i didnt want to admit it... i was scared...

Until then also i couldnt speak in meetings... i hated going to them... wouldnt talk... would leave before i had to... i was told i needed to take a leap of faith... which i did and made myself speak in every meeting... i too have anxeties about speaking in front of people... in my university class... its taken me 19 months to speak... and that was onl 10 words... but i did it...

Faith and time... you have to give yourself both... and trust helps too....

Sorry i may be waffling now

Just wanted to say you are not alone

Hi Lionheart.

Thanks for sharing that. I go red before I share in the meeting, I get all hot and anxious. I think, in life, we are so used to being judged but the meetings are the one place where we are never judged. You could say anything in a meeting and you know that at least one person there would relate to your experience. It's very comforting and after you have shared, you feel good.

I get what you are saying about just saying the words. I felt that myself over the last few months going down on my knees and saying that I am powerless but there is a tiny part of me which doesn't quite believe it and just knows that I am going to drink again, even though I don't want to.

Since last week I feel different. I can't say why, my last drink just changed it. I was so beaten that there was no way back. I know I am an alcoholic and can never drink again.

Keeping doing what you are doing, working the programme and doing the Steps, sharing here. The diseased alcoholic part of your mind will try to tell you that you can drink again - pay no attention. :)

Yeah i did this for quite a while, actually i didn't share for about 2 months was too busy listening but wan't in newcomer meetings so that is different i guess.

Some lady who turned into a good friend, came up to me after one meeting and said it is time for you to start sharing so i did...so for a while i could feel my face going that funny way as if i were blushing (and probably was lol) and would get all hot and bothered...it took me a couple of months of sharing each meeting to start feeling comfortable...also once i had finished working the steps and was working them on a daily basis i felt that my shares were much more useful anyway so my confidence built up a bit...then i had to think am i sharing with enough humility lol

Its all good, keep sharing and listening:-)

Thanks so much for that!

Once again I'm an oddball (no surprise)...when I went to meetings and was asked to talk I couldn't wait to. It was the one place I didn't feel judged and had an audience that could both relate and care about what I was going through - it was like the quicksand was gone and I was standing on sturdy ground once again. Strange.

Lately I've been toying with the idea of going back to AA and posts like yours are nice motivators.

I can relate to that untoxicated. I try to share at every meeting I attend as I feel it really helps me in my recovery. It is free therapy!! I share honestly and openly about whyere I'm currently at and I did my first "main share" on my 5 motnh anniversary in December and that was a real milstone!!

Just off to a meeting now... Looking forward to it!

Hi yeahgr8,
I understand. It's very easy for the ego to creep back in when everyone is telling you how wonderful you are.

That's awesome man. I wish you were near me - we could hit up a meeting together. Congrats on the mile stone - one more month to half a year!

Hey Lion,

I'm so glad to hear you are doing well as you and I started about the same time and have been on this journey together. I would just like to add something that your post made me think about.

A couple of good examples I can think of:

"I love you."

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you."

"I would never hurt you on purpose."

"I will never lie to you again."

All just words unless the person who says it means/believes it.

Its great to hear others have been in the same position, the more I hear these similarities in my recovery/journey, the more at ease I feel.

Thank you all for responding.

Neo - well done...awesome achievement!
Unintoxicated - I kinda felt that way on some nights and others have the fear. Sometimes I just want to talk and then the fear of the talking creeps in, prob why once I get started i am fine...
intention - good point, I am still trying to remember it doesnt matter in these rooms and judgement I have been used to doesnt count anymore.

I know those exact feelings! I can feel the burn in my face when I start to share. I just can't get through it......I am still to emotional and get choked up. My thoughts get all jumbled up and I can't get out what I mean to say....so I just shut it down then.
I'm getting better about it.

That was a great post! It makes me feel good inside.

Hey you
I would say I am doing ok. I have had some pretty rough days - my partner said yesterday I looked good, the first time I havent looked like shyte in 3 weeks....says something huh! I do my best to stay as positive and see the meanings behind my experiences but they are fricken hard work to get through.

Hope you are still doing great!

They are perfect examples - words simply are that without belief behind them!!

Have a wonderful day :)

A good thing i found to help me when i was really wanting to speak and finding it hard... was to write stuff down... key words etc... especially when stuff gets jumbled up...

Try not to look like a reporter though... that wouldnt go down well :o)

It does get easier though... i am starting to realise that... i just have to have faith and think i am not being judged... that may be the ego bit coming in... so i do try and share now...

Its getting easier to believe what i am saying too... because to begin with my head was so messed up with the lies it told me... that what i believed to be the truth wasnt alwas the case... now i have started to know the difference...

Keep going... and good luck

Now your getting down to the nitty gritty of alcoholism imo...
You had an horrendous time with booze..im assuming...
you know you cant drink with any form of control..
and yet..........on and on the obsession goes.

i could say i was alcoholic all day...........i could go to meeting till i was sick of them.......i could sit on my hands........light some candles....and guess what?
the day came and kept coming when that sick mind of mine would win the day and id have a drink...

alcoholism for me....centres in the mind...its much more than the act of drinking.
i know that because i stopped drinking and i couldn't manage more than a few months before it was booze or the end.

so we treat the drinking/body by not drinking.....but how do we treat the mind......exactly how do we recover from that hopeless state of mind.
those first hundred wrote an instruction manual to deal with that.
in the form of twelve steps laid out in the book "alcoholics anonymous"
and its not vague.......it will tell you precisely how to recover.
not recovering for a thousand years.........recovered.

at those meetings you attend could you get a sponsor that will work through the steps with you?......someone with experience of them.
someone you look up too.......thats the same sex as you if possible.

Ive been where your at i think
it didn't get any better.....in the end it became unbearable......my world didn't light up.......

i engaged with a sponsor and worked hard...id like to say it was easy....but at times it was through gritted teeth....blind faith if you like.
but i never did drink again........and i dont intend to.
good luck and please post your progress.

Its funny you say that, I seemed to be going well in not picking up the drink physically but mentally I was/am still obsessed with it or at least the thoughts of how not to.

I have started reading the AA book or the big book...I am at Chapter 4 I think.

I want to get a sponsor but havent heard too many I can honestly say stood out for me to work with and I am not being fussy, coz I really want to have a sponsor but I dont want just anyone either and have been told exactly that.

Today was an interesting day after yesterday - I was ready to rip off someones head verbally, a so called team mate, more because I know what kind of person he is and he doesnt pull his weight and it gets to me. Normally I just let it all go, today I wanted to tell him what I thought of him and his lack of responsibility at work..my emotions are so all over the place...I know it will change..I am just trying to take a day at a time and do what I can in that day...as they say, tomorrow will look after itself..

Hi Lionheart,

Perhaps you could try going to a meeting or two in a new location, even if you can't get there regularly. You might meet someone else with the recovery you want and you can keep in contact by phone and occassional meets.

I think it can be difficult for a newcomer in meetings where there is not a lot of people sharing their recovery in 12 steps and a lot of people sharing that they are still suffering (I've seen that a lot).

When I first worked the steps and got to step 12 my sponsor told me that now I was not supposed to unload my problems at meetings any more (that was to do with him privately). My job at step 12 is to share my recovery because the newcomers need to hear it for that very reason.

Hi Intention

I do need to do that, absolutely agree. I have made a friend who wants to try new meeetings so we are going to do that more this week.

Its about 104F (40 degrees) here right now and any way i can find to get cool is kinda my priority - I am not a heat person so doing my best to get to loads of meetings but NEED to stay cool too...its supposed to change after tomorrow, fingers crossed! I know that sounds like an excuse but I am doing more this week than last..

I met someone who I connected with and attempted to make contact but the timing was off so didnt try again...

I am glad to hear what you said about the steps and what people share. I am very lucky that I attend a beginners meeting as well as normal ID meetings so it helps me get a variety of stories, emotions and situations out of it.

I really appreciate your thoughts intention...thank you!

Hi Lionheart,

You're welcome. It's great you have someone to go with to new meetings. I am sure you will find a sponsor soon but in the meantime you are taking action towards your recovery and that's important.

40 degrees? I am so jealous. I am currently living in Siberia, otherwise known as the United Kingdom :rotfxko

Hey Lion,

I really want to address something that you mentioned in your recent post. You said you called a teammate out on his lack of work, (i.e. you had the strength to be honest and confront him). How did you feel afterward? How did he take it? Did you feel you handled it well? This brings up a big concern I've had recently regarding my early sobriety.

They say not to make any radical changes or make big decisions in the early stages. However, for me, that's not quite possible because I FEEL different now and I want CHANGE now.

Over the past three years I have made a LOT of really bad decisions due to a "foggy head" and "overactive emotions" from drinking. One of the things that feels so great now is that I feel strong again and feel like I can make better decisions.

If you've read some of my other posts you know that I belong to a social group where we all play cards together (poker) at each other's homes. There are several people in the group who have come to feel that it is their RIGHT to enter someone's home and act any way they want to. Heck, when I was drinking I'm sure I acted a fool at other's homes as well, although no one ever confronted me about it (but I did hear rumors).

Anyway, the sober me can no longer tolerate people who behave badly at home games and I've had to remove/uninvite some people who thought we were friends (and I mean that loosely because we never hung out outside of poker). They are not taking it well.

My point is that my decisions are causing a lot of uproar within the group and the group means a lot to me. I already had a reputation for being quite controlling and a "rules" freak. Now, these people I have excised are talking bad about me and bringing up my foolish "drinking days", claiming they defended me but now I'm throwing THEM under the bus. No one really knows that I am sober now. And I'm afraid people may not want to play at my place anymore.

I feel like I'm doing the right things for the right reasons, but there will be a backlash. No one else ever speaks up or confronts these people, they just tolerate their bad behavior. But I can't just sit back and take it anymore.

Am I being a hypocrite now, seeing how I used to be kind of annoying myself? And how do you know you're making better decisions this early in recovery? And how do you stay strong when you believe in what you're doing and others do not? If I lose my strength now, I don't know what will happen.

Sorry this is so long, but I really need help regarding this because I'm starting to doubt myself and self doubt and fear always drove me to the drink in the past.

:a108:

Edit to include: I also wonder if part of my recovery is to learn to be more tolerant of others. Am I supposed to find some way to accept and welcome these folks into my home who make me uncomfortable? I'm a bit confused.