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Old 01-12-2010, 04:05 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
20/12/09
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
Hey Lion,

I really want to address something that you mentioned in your recent post. You said you called a teammate out on his lack of work, (i.e. you had the strength to be honest and confront him). How did you feel afterward? How did he take it? Did you feel you handled it well? This brings up a big concern I've had recently regarding my early sobriety.

Over the past three years I have made a LOT of really bad decisions due to a "foggy head" and "overactive emotions" from drinking. One of the things that feels so great now is that I feel strong again and feel like I can make better decisions.

If you've read some of my other posts you know that I belong to a social group where we all play cards together (poker) at each other's homes. There are several people in the group who have come to feel that it is their RIGHT to enter someone's home and act any way they want to. Heck, when I was drinking I'm sure I acted a fool at other's homes as well, although no one ever confronted me about it (but I did hear rumors).

Anyway, the sober me can no longer tolerate people who behave badly at home games and I've had to remove/uninvite some people who thought we were friends (and I mean that loosely because we never hung out outside of poker). They are not taking it well.

My point is that my decisions are causing a lot of uproar within the group and the group means a lot to me. I already had a reputation for being quite controlling and a "rules" freak. Now, these people I have excised are talking bad about me and bringing up my foolish "drinking days", claiming they defended me but now I'm throwing THEM under the bus. No one really knows that I am sober now. And I'm afraid people may not want to play at my place anymore.

I feel like I'm doing the right things for the right reasons, but there will be a backlash. No one else ever speaks up or confronts these people, they just tolerate their bad behavior. But I can't just sit back and take it anymore.

Am I being a hypocrite now, seeing how I used to be kind of annoying myself? And how do you know you're making better decisions this early in recovery? And how do you stay strong when you believe in what you're doing and others do not? If I lose my strength now, I don't know what will happen.

Edit to include: I also wonder if part of my recovery is to learn to be more tolerant of others. Am I supposed to find some way to accept and welcome these folks into my home who make me uncomfortable? I'm a bit confused.
Hey sunset

Well I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of him but havent really said much. I say little things but not everything. I have to hold back or I would lose my job.

Lately with confrontation...ok well, I do my best to be tactful, I try and think how it would feel from the other side ie someone saying it to me. People I talk to generally take it ok, the work guy doesnt like me and I dont like him so anything I say he tries to find something I have done to throw back at him so I try and restrain myself now, meaning its not worth my energy to waste on him. I have tried to do the right thing and have integrity in doing so but he has different morals to me and all I can do is stand back and allow him to walk his destructive path, I cannot control what he does.

I do know about your other posts and think you are doing well with it but it sounds like its getting quite ugly. My opinion is to keep doing what you are doing but keep in mind sometimes you do need to have tolerance of others and let loose a little. If you are completely stringent on things and have broken them in the past, its a little hard to now stand up and say something, imo.

Here is a question for you: How important is it that you have people play at your place? AND How important is it that you can now see clearly enough to say and do the right thing and have some integrity?

It sounds like a hard position to be in, especially so early. Do you think that maybe concentrating on one thing at a time might help?

I believe you will only lose the strength if you listen to those beating you down, believe in your ability to make decisions, even if they are wrong, you can learn from them and move forward, isnt that life anyway? And come back here to get it...you know the support this place gives you!

You said you were going to start meetings, have you done that yet? Maybe an idea now to get to one or a few to have face to face contact with others who may be able to help you.

I hope you are ok, keep in touch!
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Old 01-13-2010, 03:15 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
Am I being a hypocrite now, seeing how I used to be kind of annoying myself? And how do you know you're making better decisions this early in recovery? And how do you stay strong when you believe in what you're doing and others do not? If I lose my strength now, I don't know what will happen.
At Step 3 we turn our will over to God, so the question is - is this our will or God's will. I have had some useful replies in a Step 11 thread in the 12 step forum on meditation. I know you are not on that step but it may give you a better understand on how we allow God to make our decisions for us.

Edit to include: I also wonder if part of my recovery is to learn to be more tolerant of others. Am I supposed to find some way to accept and welcome these folks into my home who make me uncomfortable? I'm a bit confused.
Yes your recovery will all be about being more tolerant of other people but really this is to take care of yourself, to keep you sober. Having serenity and tolerance will give you a far better high than the alcohol ever did.

But right now you are still full of resentment, regret and shame about the past so your decisions are being clouded by that. This is why we advise to work the steps straight away.

It may be in the long term you end up having no more association with these people as you turn more towards spirituality and spiritual people in your life. Working the Steps will give you the answers. A good sponsor will also help if decisions about particular individuals are hard to reach - especially at Step 8 & 9.

So please do quickly find a sponsor who has what you want and work the 12 Steps. In the meantime to help you with tolerance of the people in your life, learn the Serenity Prayer and say it whenever you need to.

Do you know of the Serenity Prayer?
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Old 01-13-2010, 03:22 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hi Sunset2000

Just to add that if you called me today and asked what to do about these people/poker games I would advise you to politely say to them "I am really sorry but right now I have some things going on in my life and I am unable to host any games for the next couple of months, or participate". There is no need to explain any more other than "I'll keep in touch"

That way you leave the door open, you don't blame them and you give yourself some time to get well.

Now if you get a sponsor they may advise differently and fair enough but you have expressed a lot of anxiety of this issue on this forum and I think need to take care of yourself and put your recovery first.
Take care.
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Old 01-13-2010, 05:56 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
20/12/09
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Originally Posted by intention View Post
At Step 3 we turn our will over to God, so the question is - is this our will or God's will. I have had some useful replies in a Step 11 thread in the 12 step forum on meditation. I know you are not on that step but it may give you a better understand on how we allow God to make our decisions for us.

Yes your recovery will all be about being more tolerant of other people but really this is to take care of yourself, to keep you sober. Having serenity and tolerance will give you a far better high than the alcohol ever did.

But right now you are still full of resentment, regret and shame about the past so your decisions are being clouded by that. This is why we advise to work the steps straight away.

It may be in the long term you end up having no more association with these people as you turn more towards spirituality and spiritual people in your life. Working the Steps will give you the answers. A good sponsor will also help if decisions about particular individuals are hard to reach - especially at Step 8 & 9.

So please do quickly find a sponsor who has what you want and work the 12 Steps. In the meantime to help you with tolerance of the people in your life, learn the Serenity Prayer and say it whenever you need to.

Do you know of the Serenity Prayer?

Hi Sunset2000

Just to add that if you called me today and asked what to do about these people/poker games I would advise you to politely say to them "I am really sorry but right now I have some things going on in my life and I am unable to host any games for the next couple of months, or participate". There is no need to explain any more other than "I'll keep in touch"

That way you leave the door open, you don't blame them and you give yourself some time to get well.

Now if you get a sponsor they may advise differently and fair enough but you have expressed a lot of anxiety of this issue on this forum and I think need to take care of yourself and put your recovery first.
Intention,

I am concerned that here you state things like she needs to do them instead of offering you opinion. Also, if someone isnt working steps then thinking about step 3 will not reach someone. And if they are working the steps, wouldnt it be a good idea to start at the first one?

You also state that she is full of resentment, shame etc...do you know that?

I do know that she loves to play poker, and why would you want to run from something you like for simply not being sure on how to handle a situation. That sounds exactly like things I personally have done in the past and from what I have read, Sunset wants to make things right and not run from hard situations - In my opinion, that should be supported, not shyed away from.

I dont want to sound like I am critising you intention but some of this goes against moving forward in recovery in my opinion.

LH
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:03 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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And how do you know you're making better decisions this early in recovery?
For me in early recovery when things would come up, I would discuss them with my sponsor or others who had what I wanted that were also in recovery, they had far more experience then I did with sober decision making.

No I did not speak with them for every decision I made, but for those that would have an impact on others or my sobriety I did.

With more time sober and as I worked the steps I saw the promises bein to come true, one stands out today:

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
With time sober & taking and applying the steps I did begin to handle situations that used to baffle me both when drinking and in early sobriety. I continue to improve in handling situations, through thoughtfullness, consideration, prayer and meditation, being honest with myself enough to where if need be I will seek advice from some one else when needed.

There are promises throughout the BB, I have yet to see one that if I do the work and continue to apply the principles I have learned through the steps have either not come true or are in the process of becoming true.

Meetings are a part of step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The "Primary Purpose" of every AA group is to carry the message to other alcoholics, we do that in meetings by sharing our ES&H, we also learn how others have used the principles they have learned as a result of applying the principles we have learned in the steps by applying them to all areas of our life. Meetings in reality are simply folks sharing thier ES&H, meetings are NOT the program of AA, they are a result of the program of AA which is found in the steps and the first 164 pages of the BB.
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Old 01-13-2010, 08:52 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hmmm maybe you two should try and get her to go to a meeting first
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Old 01-13-2010, 10:54 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Meetings are not attractive to me just yet. There is a good chance that I will start going, but it's not on my immediate list. Lion is right, I do love to play poker, especially now that I'm sober. When I was drinking I thought I might also have a gambling problem, but what I've discovered is that it was the booze that was clouding my judgement.

Now that I'm sober I am sticking to my limits, quitting when I say I'll quit and have actually been winning a lot of money! Who knew! It was the drinking that was causing me problems. And I'm an excellent player!

I do like this poker group A LOT, and I love most of the people in the group (over 200 people). It's just these few spoiled sports that in my opinion ruin the spirit of the game. Like I said, in the past no one else wanted to confront them or say anything to them directly, but they all complain about them behind their backs. I guess I'm just finally feeling strong enough to do something that no one else had the strength to do.

Trust me when I say that the people I've confronted are people that NO ONE likes playing with. And I guess I forgot that for a moment.

But the bigger point is that I question whether or not I handled it well. It had to be done and I guess I chose the "band aid" approach and just made it as quick and painless as possible. No chance of us being friends, but I don't think they were good friends to being with.

I have to learn to stop doubting myself. Fear and self-doubt are my biggest triggers.

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