Join Date: Jan 2010
Newly Sober-Sharing a Journal Entry
Hi Everyone, I am new here and have been reading some info and it is so helpful. I am celebrating 7 days as of today. I started a journal, from the day I hit bottom I guess, and made the decision to go to AA. It was the first time I also finally acknowledged that I am an alcoholic.
Sorry its so long, but I just felt like posting this. Have not been able to discuss with anyone. Also, its pretty raw-just the words as they came out of my head.
All the best
Entry # 1
I give up finally. I donít know when it happened for sure, but I do know that I canít stand it anymore. Drinking and being an alcoholic and slowly destroying my mind and body day after day has got to stop. Itís hard to understand how what I thought was the best thing on earth, being cool and getting a bunch of booze and just chilling out and tying one on, turned into something I couldnít control. It used to be doing the think we werenít supposed to in high school, or partying in college with friends for countless hours all night, laughing, enjoying, and drinking. It all seemed harmless, just being young, and partying. And, things were good right? I had gone through a period of good grades, was active in running, had a great social life with no problems, a perfect family life where I could ask for anyone better, and a good hold in religion and otherwise no negative aspects in my life. All was good, and drinking just made it way better. And why not add on to all that taking some drugs at the same time to add to the fun? I was going to work, making commitments and meeting them, and nobody was getting hurt. The truth of it all, is that every time I did what I thought was just having a good time was making me worse off every day. I made my issue a non-issue by telling myself I was doing this willingly. I also did things like ignore all the negative effects that were present, but I must have just forgotten about, or forced myself not to think about. I hid the activities from the people I knew would be concerned about it, partly because I was embarrassed about them knowing about my issues, but also so I could protect my abilities to always be able to satisfy what I was craving-the benefits of getting as far out of my tree as I could. If I was with friends, and was out drinking, and they didnít want to anymore, I left the social group and went home by myself to keep drinking. Once I took a sip, no quantity was enough until I clear blacked out. In times when I knew I had to control myself, like in a week vacation with my family, or visiting my family, I would maintain but it was so painful. I lived for the following weekend when I could get back to drinking. And, it seemed ok. I guess I should have noticed something was wrong when the stigma of drinking all by myself seemed to me no issue at all. Whatís the big deal? I will drink socially if I can, but if the opportunity doesnít arise, I will just drink at home? And, I should have noticed that more and more I decided not to hang out with friends, or answer my familyís phone calls so that I could drink as much as I could, without interference. Looking back on it all, what makes it so hard to come to grips with being an alcoholic is that it was awesome, until the end. I mean, I look at those times as the best times of my life. What am I supposed to do now, forget all my best experiences? The sick thing is, now that I want to stop, and cant, I still want to drink, and not stop until I am out cold. Why? Why canít I just have enough to take the edge off and then stop? I have asked myself that question like a million times, but didnít have an answer and shrugged it off. I remember being at an awesome vacation week with my best friends, who I would only see once a year and really wanted to hang out as much as possible. But, when we started drinking and hanging out, I drank so much that I blacked out and missed an entire night of socializing. Why did I do that? I went into the day thinking ok this is going to be fun, pace yourself and have fun. Yeah, right. Like that ever happened. And wait, how come this time, my friends had all grown out of getting completely wrecked night after night? Why did I think it was still awesome? Well, after this happened; I guess is when I started realizing that maybe I was still having a good time when I should cut back. But, every time I started to try and go without, or cut back, disaster happened. Like going to a company function and saying I am going to only drink soda-good deal it works. Next day, some friends gather at a backyard barbeque and I think, ok I did good yesterday so I am only going to have a couple beers, that makes sense. Well, flash forward to me having to leave in a cab, walk to get my car the next day unable to even remember what happened. Still fun? So why didnít I stop? I simply couldnít. Fun stopped being my rationale for drinking. I just did it. Itís like my mind blanked out the thought process on that one completely. Itís like when I tried to rationalize my behavior, my mind just said forget it man, just drink. So I did. Then every time I tried to stop, and drink, and on and on, things got worse. Each time I relapsed, I drank more, faster right up until I had to get it together and work, or see family. I started taking a morning drink to feel better. And, when you realize that you are taking that morning drink, you want to punch yourself and say man, I am ****** now. Forget about life. I remember thinking about my cycles-drinking heavily 3 days in a row, then going back to work or school. The withdrawal took a week to get over. Mondays and Tuesdays I was shaky, distant, depressed, couldnít think well, couldnít sleep even and had this weird feverÖthen on Wednesdays and Thursdays I got better, performed well and got excited-partly because my body had recovered, mostly because in another day I could get right back at it. I lived to drink. I NEVER EVER took a drink because it tasted good-I always drank to get loaded, and drank as much as I could, usually as fast as I could. Looking back now on the last 10 years, I never went more than a week without getting drunk. And, in the week period where I didnít get drunk, I still managed 2-3 glasses of wine with dinner just to maintain. Thatís what was so painful though-restraint-it was like teasing my body every time. For a good 7 years, I got drunk every single day-and drank either 2 bottles of wine a night, or a bottle of whiskey-a whole one and was able to go to work the next day almost with no hangover. Another warning sign something was wrong? Now, I want to stop and cant. I have turned into a person with 2 purposes-maintain my daily commitments and drink. What happened to my goals? Why donít I call friends, or make friends, or have an interest in getting a girlfriend? Because I donít want anything getting in the way of my habits. But also, now I am frustrated. I know I have hurt my mind, I canít think as well because I am withdrawing, or depressed at how ****** I am doing taking care of myself. In fact, I can see myself screwing up my life, and am realizing what a waste the last 10 years has been compared to what I actually have done or could have done. I have spent so many times trying to convince myself I was fine, because I did this by choice, or that well, this is my life, so go on the way your mind tells you to. But I finally have come to realize, I am sick-and I need to recognize and listen for advice and stop. Its not my life goals, or destiny to be like this-the alcoholism is telling my mind this, and that is the problem. Whatever happened to all my time dreaming about my goals in life? Now I just donít care. Thatís actually not true. I have cycles there too, where I accept my life as it is, and also get into wicked depression states because of all I have not achieved, compared to what I always wanted to achieve. I guess what makes this so hard now is, where do I go? How do I leave what I love? How do I stop loving what I know could ruin me? Am I screwed up so that I actually canít achieve some goals now because I need to focus on just taking care of me? What about the 4 kids and a wife I always wanted? How in the hell can I do that when I can barely take care of myself? What if I canít do this? I am almost a week in being sober. AA meetings are in the plan. The withdrawal is still nasty-fevers, paranoia, shaky, no appetite and my brain feels like I have no thought. I just want to sit in a silent room, and reflect on things. Itís crazy because I feel like I canít even pray about it like I do for other things, and I donít know why. I donít blame God, I blame me, but I am learning I need to blame the alcoholism. I feel like that is just an excuse though. Oh well, think short term. I just want to get clarity again, and maybe I can grab it long enough that I can start some self-realization of my goals again, and maybe start working towards them. I know this is right, and I need to do this, and I want to do this. But itís hard, I still want to drink. Itís in my mind all day every day and especially that now I know this weekend, I wonít let myself do what I have been for the past 10+ years. I want myself back, not this sick person I have become. I want friends again; I want to feel good about myself, which I have not in so long. I also feel embarrassed about the state I am in. Will people think I am a loser? Will I be labeled? Will people tell me to just drink normally? Will I still have all my friends? Wow, this is a lot deeper than I thought it was. Just stick with today though, then the week. My goal is to at least get in a sober mind, then work on the rest, like a doctor, or a program or support group or something. God help me. Here I am, a 27 year old alcoholic trying to get my life back together.