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Went to a friend's house...to find they stocked their house with my brand of vodka...

Old 01-09-2010, 06:24 PM
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Went to a friend's house...to find they stocked their house with my brand of vodka...

Just for me. 1st my H says he's not going to drink either as it would be unfair to me, and make it harder for me. This was two weeks ago. Me feeling so very guilty at the time, I said, oh no, don't do that for ME. If you want to drink or not or whatever, that's your business. But he was all, oh no, that's not fair, etc. Ok, fine.

I was doing really well, no cravings, really. Feeling oddly centered. (I'm on day 14). So we stop at a friend's house this afternoon. And the guys says to my H, "Want a beer?" My H goes, "sure!" And he proceeds to drink it in front of me.

Then our friend goes, I have a whole new bottle of vodka here for ya' - my brand, etc. "Hasn't even been opened yet! And tons of ice!" So, I politely decline, and get irrationally angry that my H, just picked up a beer the first time out.

I say irrationally, because I really didn't want him to change his behavior because of MY problem. But in the end, I'm pissed that he drank that beer. We stopped home to walk the dog, but we're going back to the friend's house. Also earlier today, I told the H, well...it's my SECOND weekend not drinking. He was just kind of like, uh huh. And that was IT. Um - after all the drama, the big lecture, etc. that's all I get?

Maybe I'm wrong to want more after the years of drinking I put him through. I'm probably a jerk for even thinking this way for one moment. Selfish again, probably. But the whole thing just really got me angry today, and I don't know what to do with it.

Oh - and I REALLY wanted to open that bottle. After all my good progress, I really really really wanted to somehow make it ok to drink. Of course, THAT would result in world war three, so there's no way I could finagle that. And I don't want to ruin what I have so far either. I don't. I just got really angry. And disappointed in myself, again.

Thoughts? Am I nuts?
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:28 PM
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Hi,

Early sobriety is hard.

I think you should put the focus back on yourself and your sobriety. It might be easier for you if your husband didn't drink, but if you have talked about it, and he's going to drink, then you can still manage to stay sober. Make some good choices and try to stay away from situations where you will be offered alcohol. I really couldn't be around anyone who was drinking for quite awhile.

Hang in there and you can get through this.
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:40 PM
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thank you anna

I know I'm moving my focus onto him. I guess I'm mad that he basically made a promise and broke it. It's more the principal. I guess that's pretty ironic given all the promises I've broken. I think I'm probably taking out the anger I felt at being acutely aware that I cannot drink like a normal person (and therefore ever again) on him. And honestly I wanted a little more fanfare from him earlier in the day, which I didn't get, etc. I know I am sounding very childish...I work so hard - at least 80 hrs. a week in only 5 days, and doing this too - which suddenly today went from feeling good, to feeling like just white knuckle self-denial, and I just want, as Bill Murray said in Caddyshack, "A little something for the effort."

Thanks for listenting to me, and letting me have my mini-fit. I already am feeling a bit better that I got it out. I guess I am deeply angry that I can't be normal. And I guess that will take time to get over...
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:45 PM
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No, you don't sound nuts at all. We've all been there. The resentment, anger & frustration are common. It's still early days yet for you. Be kind to yourself, & be patient.

I was very resentful of others being able to drink in the beginning. I was obsessed with NOT drinking, it was all I talked about or thought about. Eventually it all calms down and you begin to love your new life - but it takes awhile to adjust to all the changes. Your body is healing, & you're learning to live again in a whole new way. I promise you won't feel this miserable and confused forever. I made it out and you will too. Keep us informed - we care about you.
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:47 PM
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I think you're being very self aware HS
It's good to know where the angers coming from - it can help to mitigate it, and stop you acting irrationally.

And...you'll *always* find support here - even when our loved ones make us do this LOL.

D
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:49 PM
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Thank you so much Hevyn. Having you all to share with feels like having guardian angels of recovery. Thanks for the encouragement. It means so much to me, I cannot tell you...
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Old 01-09-2010, 06:56 PM
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The thing is, it's really hard for normies to understand how hard it is to just not drink.

I wanted fanfare too, but my family was so tired of my promises, that I got nothing.

At first it really hurt and I desperately wanted them to understand, but I gradually realized that this was my journey.

Anyways, we do understand, so keep posting.
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Old 01-09-2010, 07:06 PM
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Thanks for sharing Humble. I would also like to add what you are feeling is nothing abnormal. I think that's why having continued support from people who "really understand" is so important. I'm sure your husband has the best intentions, but I would have wanted a trophy for turning down my brand of vodka too. And a cookie.

And yes I think you summed it up in that he drinks normally. You don't. And so you can't just have one, or WWIII really would begin, lol. I always go back to that reasoning. If I could drink 3 or 5 drinks I would still be drinking. But I can't drink period unless I want to loose everything, again. My first year in AA this old biker guy used to say the same thing every night about never being able to drink 1 or 2. It's either drink to oblivion, or not drink at all for us. I finally caught on after hearing it for about 6 months straight..

Congratulations on 14 days! That really is something to be proud of. And you passed a major test, having even more experience under your belt for the next one. And yes you can get to a point in your recovery where it won't even phase you to be around it. I used to see "happy, joyous, and free" on the label. Today I see "Skull and Crossbones"
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Old 01-09-2010, 08:18 PM
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It means more than I can say to think I might be helping someone through this. I always tell myself, maybe something good can come out of the hell I went through.

I'm glad you feel a bit better HS!
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Old 01-09-2010, 09:32 PM
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HS, we ALL felt the way you are feeling in the beginning.
But yes, this is YOUR journey, not his and you need to get your support from other alcoholics in recovery. I remember when I was celebrating my 1 year sober bday and my husband forgot! I was livid!! But ya know what? I called my sponsor, got my props from her and got reminded that it is just not that big of a deal to normies to NOT pick up a drink for a year. It is not their place to understand.

So, so you attend a program of any sort? Regardless, I would like to suggest a book called "Living Sober". I found it really helpful in coming to grasp with my "allergy" and learning how to live a happy sober life. I say allergy but it is a good way to look at it. If you were allergic to strawberries, would you get angry if your bf ate them in front of you? Would you be resentful that you could not eat them? Probably not. You would probably just focus on the enjoyment you get from NOT being deathly ill from eating strawberries and choose other fruit to eat. I live for my chai tea now!

Congrats on your 2 weeks! One day at a time, and just do not drink no matter what. It gets easier.
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Old 01-10-2010, 08:12 AM
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Hi Humblestudent,

Originally Posted by humblestudent View Post
I know I'm moving my focus onto him. I guess I'm mad that he basically made a promise and broke it. It's more the principal.
Did he really break a promise ?

Your first post says that you told him it was ok for him to drink.

Anger, frustration and resentment are all normal for us and our alcoholic minds find it easily to distort the truth. There is nothing more our diseased mind likes than a big old resentment to drink on. From the Big Book "resentment is our number one offender". Working the Steps helps us to see the truth.

Your husband has no idea what you are going through so he has no why you would need a fanfare or why not drinking would even deserve one.

You'll get a big one from us. You have done really well. Better to express your feelings here than drink on them. Well done.
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Old 01-10-2010, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by humblestudent View Post
So, I politely decline, and get irrationally angry that my H, just picked up a beer the first time out.
When I was trying not to drink at my cousin's wedding 2 years back my gf ordered a glass of wine. I lost my sheet and had a very heated argument with her about how that wasn't conducive to my recovery blah blah blah - never-mind the tons of other people drinking. She just let the glass of wine sit there...and I still feel bad to this day.

Since then I've learned
1. I tend to hurt those that care about me the most...the most
2. I wasn't angry because people drank in front of me, I was angry because I couldn't drink in front of me.
3. It's my problem and my solution.
4. I hadn't realized that life without alcohol can be as good if not better than a life with responsible drinking.

Stay strong!
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Old 01-10-2010, 09:06 AM
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Hey Humble!!

CONGRATULATIONS on day 14!!! Your doing GREAT!!!

I would have shared the same exact feelings you experienced today!!! WHY can't those husbands real our minds??? LoL!! I also had a long talk with my DH today and he just doesn't understand how hard it is for me quit and to stay stopped!! He just doesn't really get it and after reading the wealth of info on this thread, I am not going to try and convince him either!! We just have to focus on our own needs!!

Does your friends know that you have quit drinking?

I agree with everyone.....you have your own cheering squad right here on SR!! I think we deserve a parade down main street!!

Keep on Keeping on!!!!!
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Old 01-10-2010, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Stereosteveo View Post
being able to drink 1 or 2. It's either drink to oblivion, or not drink at all for us.

I used to see "happy, joyous, and free" on the label. Today I see "Skull and Crossbones"
Love that stereostevo!
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Old 01-10-2010, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Untoxicated View Post
2. I wasn't angry because people drank in front of me, I was angry because I couldn't drink in front of me.
This was exactly my problem...exactly. Last night after we went back to visit again, I had quite a nice time. And today, for the second weekend in a row, I made it without drinking. And I felt rested and great, and got so much done today. Sundays used to consist of being too horribly sick to even shower, not being able to eat, or even sit up really. Would pray for sleep to get me through the worst. It was awful. Today, I got my nails done, ran errands, played on the computer, actually had conversations with my husband. So much, that I could've NEVER been physically able to do before.

No, my friends do not know. I feel very self-conscious about it, and afraid to voice what I am doing as it feels like so much pressure. What if I fail after I make this big "announcement". Can't do that yet. Need to get my sea legs first. Or my sober legs! But I know they're going to figure it out. This is the 2nd time I've been around them without drinking, which is just unheard of.

On day 15, I see little tiny glimpses of the person I really am. It's good. Really good.
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Old 01-11-2010, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by humblestudent View Post
Today, I got my nails done, ran errands, played on the computer, actually had conversations with my husband. So much, that I could've NEVER been physically able to do before.
When drinking I would let myself go in the appearance/hygiene. You can't face a shower if you can barely lift your head off the pillow.

Great that you are having such a productive life right now
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