Day 13 - Relationship Challenges
 

So..........it's day 13 and I still feel a lot of gratitude, not craving badly, maintaining pretty well, but it's become obvious that my focus on not getting high and self-improvement is taking away from my relationship with my husband. Our relationship wasn't all that great when I decided to stop getting high and it seems to just be getting worse. I know I'm a huge part of the problem. I don't want to sound as if I'm blaming him. I know I have to be right with myself to be able to be right with us. I haven't felt physically attractive for some time due to my weight gain and insecurities, and now I have even more feelings of uncertainty in my quest to become healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually. However, instead of escaping the reality of it all with a buzz, I'm struggling with how to handle it without totally screwing up things worse than they are. He doesn't bring up my no longer getting high, doesn't offer any words of support, doesn't inquire as to how I'm doing or feeling, doesn't share with me how he is doing or feeling, and I don't reach out to him because of my perception of what appears to be his lack of interest in me. Communication is not something either of us excel in. Anyone have any words of wisdom?

The relationship may not actually be getting worse, but you may be noticing things that you didn't have the time, or awareness due to drinking and distracting yourself with that...you may be perceiving the same circumstances, as "worse". Is there history where you tried to stop in the past, etc.? Could he be threatened in some way by your changing...?

It's not for nothing that groups like AA suggest no big changes for, like, the first year :)

You're in a state of emotional upheaval CGC - you're trying to heal, trying to work out who you are, trying to work out how to deal with everything without weed and, if you were anything like me, trying not to rip peoples heads off while doing all that....

and without taking sides I daresay your husband is trying to deal with you dealing with this too. He's probably floundering as much as you are...

I'm not an relationship expert by any means.... but my advice is ride it out - give it time - don't make any sudden moves at least until you're damn sure who the real, new CGC is :)

D

I agree with Dee that you have to give it time.
I felt the same way when I quit doing smoke about five years ago in that I didn't feel my wife was giving me support in my quest. It ticked me off a lot.
Then last year when I quit drinking, which was my DOC I felt the same thing again about the support. We evened had a few fights (discussions) about it.
I don't think non addicts see the struggles we face and therefore do not acknowledge them as a big accomplishment which we know that they are.
It actually took me a couple of months to realize or remember this so hang in there. Your relationship will get better.

Fubarcdn, humblestudent, and Dee, I think you nailed it. He did it casually and has stopped w/o any issues whereas I did it daily as an escape and am struggling with it. What wasn't a big deal for him is a major undertaking for me. I think he doesn't say anything for fear of it maybe being the wrong thing due to my mood swings. He's probably thinking if he brings it up, it may make me want to smoke it again. When I quit cigs cold turkey almost 4 yrs. ago, I couldn't see someone on TV or hear about it w/o craving it madly! So I can see where he's coming from. Thanks again for your insight and for helping me see my situation from many sides other than just my own. You guys are so very appreciated!

Hi Change! Humble, Dee & Fubar said some good stuff & I agree with them all. Can't add much to that very wise advice. Just want to show my support & encourage you.

As the others pointed out, you have all you can handle trying to get well. Too much going on at once is mind-boggling. There'll come a time when you can focus on your relationship with your husband & devote the time to it that's needed, but not just yet. Tiny baby steps.

Congratulations on your decision to have a better life. We're with you all the way.