Mental Diarrhea - Volume 1 Issue 1
 

Hi gang,

This is more of a realization for me than anything but I've decided to share it with you in the hopes that it may be beneficial. (If not please properly place this in file 13 - give a hoot and don't pollute).

When I would drink, I often found myself perusing the web out of boredom and often times forums of all things. For some reason I found it necessary to flex my intellectual muscle to someone(s) in a effort to lift the veil of darkness and her brother ignorance and bring forth the light of truth and understanding. I was on a crusade and my cup of righteousness spilleth over. With my horse named Budweiser (a Clydesdale of course), my armor made of Southern Comfort, and my sword forged from the fires of self-loathing I marched into battle.

Looking back now, I was just drunk and looking to inflate my deflated self-esteem and deflate my inflated anger and resentment for drinking. Basically, I was drinking, wasn't happy about it, so everyone else wasn't going to be happy either.

When I decided to stop drinking I ended all my triggers as well. One of them, of course, was my delusional attempt to save the world from ignorance one post at a time. A bit funny seeing as how I was the most ignorant of all.

Now that the drink is gone I still notice my tendency to respond to ideas, statements, and opinions that I don't agree with. One poster on SR made a comment that I didn't agree with and I waited to post a reply, even typed out a lengthy reply in opposition but deleted the would be post. Fortunately my good sense got the better of me and I decided to let it be.

I happened to see another post by the same author and this time the post tied into the poster's previous opinion and I could now see why the poster had such strong feelings. It was a nice lesson for me - I never knew what was going on in that poster's life until I read the other post, and had I not read the other post I still wouldn't know.

The point is that many people's opinions on this site are driven by whatever is sculpting their their personal journey at the time. To think I would have disputed an opinion for nothing more than selfish pride makes me very uneasy and not a little ashamed.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then a sober day keeps my inner-idiot at bay.

Please pass the toilet paper, this post is done. :D

That's a very impressive post, Untoxicated!

You are showing real growth and getting some perspective on the situation that will help you to move forward in your recovery.

It certainly made me take note and think.
Thank you.

PS: I love Clydesdales. I went to a Clydesdale farm once and they were showing off the biggest and explained why they don't jump. It's so much easier just to plow through a fence :) .

Without the booze, the view is much clearer.

Untoxicated that is an awesome post, we are all individuals and have opinions on many things in life based upon our experiences in life.

You shared a lesson that you have learned that will be of benefit to us.

Wow, Unintoxicated this is a great post, written with a lot of humour yet with some very valid points and good obeservations at its core.
Thanks a lot for sharing this, it made me both laugh and think ;)

Wow, thanks all. I really appreciate all the replies!

I guess my arrested development from drinking is out on bail (but still needs to check in with the parole officer from time to time mind you. ;) )

Thanks for your post Untox :)

well done!
D

Great post! Very insightful.

Thanks again, yeah this "not being an idiot online" thing is really a treat.

Happy Sober Saturday!

Agreed!

and....very cool post, btw!

Nice post Tox. Thanks for your insight.

Yeah I'm real opinionated about opinions theses days.......as this stinky outpouring will confirm.
Can opinions on recovery hurt or even kill people? I don't know.

Here's a saying I've heard in recovery that I like:
"Be careful when carrying your own message, it never worked."

On the flipside a guy in our meeting says "You can't say anything that's going to hurt the new guy more than the bottle of Vodka he just finished. He's gonna die anyway.."
I guess I can kinda see the point there also.

Personally I needed to hear "A" message when I got to recovery. One with depth and weight. One that's documented and has worked for millions of people. One that explained the problem, the program of action, and a promised soultion. I'm so grateful to the people who repeadtedly hammered home the hopelesness of my situation, and cared more about whether I lived or died than whether my little feelings got hurt. But that's just me. I'm hard-headed to say the least. I needed to hear the same message repeatedly for what seemed like forever. Had it been 10,000 different messages I don't know if any of it would have ever clicked.

Yes there are all sorts of opinions on recovery shared here. But is it better not to share at all, than to share something that "may" help someone? Or at least help them see a different point of view? I don't know about you, but that's how I learn.

My program tells me specifically to carry THE message to the guy who still suffers as part of my recovery. Those that no longer suffer, or who never "really" suffered may not understand it. And that's a hard thing for a guy like me to do without putting my little twist on it. But it works. So I'm going to keep working it. The fact is my message kept me drunk for many moons. I didn't have the slightest clue of how to recover when I arrived. I have to remember that. And I will also admit, sometimes it still hurts my ego to I realize that I was never able to come up with my own solution. I'm not one to follow the sheep, believe me. I couldn't stand the people who carried THE message for the longest time, I thought "You weakling conformists!" *hiccup..*

I practiced humilty for a long period by not saying anything. Silence definitely kept my feelings and emotions protected to a point. I needed that then, because I didn't have the inner strength to deal with your disagreements without getting drunk.

But then I got the gift. And when you get a gift like I've received, you want to share it with everyone who's trying to leave the neighborhood you came from. So we carry it, but we can't enforce it. We just keep it alive for the student, because we don't know when he will be ready.

At any rate, with all of that said I like this line too:

"Don't try to do it perfectly, God."

:laughing:
Good to know your mind is clearing so quickly.

Forward we go...side by side.....:hug:

Great post Untoxicated!!

I think what you're talking about shows how you are progressing in your journey!!

Recovery (to me) is about realising your faults and defects and acknowledging them and saying "OK... I know what needs to be changed and worked on (personality defects or whatever) so lets do it!! Removing the booze has given me a chance to actually be able to fix what I know I have to work on.

Rambling a bit but I'm onto my second Dr Pepper!! LOL

peace and Love Man xx

PS- Just realised how much I'm loving my music again at minute!!!!!!!

I really agree with that, Steveo.

My first experiences the programme were in Overeaters Anonymous and I lost count of the times that I heard "careful what you say in case they go home and eat on it"

In my illness I was unable to be honest with myself and it took someone really telling me like it was for me to get real about what the problem was. Only then did I get on the road to recovery.

coffeenut,
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Steve,
I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing anything at all especially something that saved one's life - but I also appreciate AA's "attraction not promotion in all our affairs" mindset. Thanks for your thoughts - keep fightin' the good fight bro.

Carol,
I sure do miss you over at the alcoholism forum, I need to make a pilgrimage back there soon!

Neo,
That's awesome man, I was just thinking the same thing about music! I was jamming myself to some and had forgotten had damn good it made me feel. I hear you about the Dr. Pepper, what a better choice than Dr. Feelgood/bad! Stay cool.

un, i really enjoyed this post, thought it might help you today to reread where you were just a few days ago.

Ditto