I need suggestions
 

I'm kind of struggling here with my husband because I drink to forget the next day is coming more often. I try to drink slow or I try to just keep a slight buzz throughout the evenings... to hide the effects which doesn't seem to work, but I don't drink before I have patients etc. No matter how many times I brush my teeth or eat something I think will kill the smell of alcohol, he detects it. I feel really bad, but it is my life too! I don't do any illegal drugs etc. He is wonderful and we have a great relationship and I love him more than life itself as I know he does. He will open the vodka and wine (my 2 favorites) on occasions like New Years Eve or my birthday, but he claims he "hates alcohol" whenever he sees me drink on a non-special occasion. Says he wouldn't mind if I had just one and asks why I need the whole bottle. He gets upset saying that he would "call it a disease but he knows (I'd) get mad." I've started painting again and I started a fitness group to get together with me and exercise during the evenings (during the week) so I had something to divert my attention from drinking (and the internet) on those days but now my husband thinks that will take too much time away from our time. I don't know how I can win here and I don't like that I'm putting him through this either.

I'm frustrated because when he says things like that I always feel bad and think I want to stop, but when I do get up the next day, all I can think about is drinking (esp if I have a tough appointment in clinic the next day) and then stopping doesn't really appeal to me. I live for the evenings when I get home. I try painting, keeping a tight schedule etc but nothing alleviates this thinking. I don't know how this all happened so fast... just since maybe January - May since I started seeing patients. before that, I was pretty much a daily drinker but only maybe 2 or 3 drinks unless at a party or a dinner, which is fairly rare (couple times/month). It's just the past year that it has taken so much more to get me where I want to go. It def. decreases a bit when I'm on winter vacation etc. and don't have school stress. When does one finally think its a good idea to just end it? Why do some people seem to have such an easy time making this decision and why am I still not convinced its the best move for me?!

It sounds like you're an alcoholic, but only you can decide that. Ever been to an AA meeting or thought about it?

Welcome back Laura :)

I dunno...I think I've probably said it all to you, yeah? LOL

Some of us can use logic and act before we hit the skids....others, for some reason can't - and this includes me. We have to slide right into the dead end - sometimes several times - before we get it.

I had strict rules about drinking too...and kept on moving the goal til I had no rules left.

I hope you're smarter than me.
D

Uh, well, I think that many more have a very tough time with making the decision... Denial, Justification, Rationalization, Terminal Uniqueness...

From your post, it appears you may be obsessing about drinking alcohol. Lots of warning signs in your post...

Welcome back.

Mark

I had run myself smack into the ground before accepting my powerlessness and becoming willing to do something about it.

It doesn't sound like you are done with it. When I was done there was no choice. I was quite literally beat down by the struggle of it. Trying to hide how much I drank and whether I would or wouldn't. It felt like chains wearing me down more and more each and every day.

Today I feel very happy about my decision to live a sober life. It has given me time to develop myself and to learn who I am. When I was drinking I felt like I had put my life and my growth on pause. I am now on the play mode and it is so much better.

You will wake up one day and you too will decide enough is enough. If you find at that point you can't stop on your own you will seek recovery. You will find any means of stopping the insanity. Until that point it is up to you. We can tell you our stories, but it has to resonate from within you.

Thanks... sure you guys are right. Just as it's easy to say you will stick to a diet after a big meal... its easy to say you will stop drinking when you are still feeling the effects of alcohol. Was recommended I reduced the drinking to try to drive down hypertension bc I'm young (going on 30) and not overweight... but I highly doubt alcohol has caused that since it runs rampant in my family.

It's already been said above. Many of us (and likely most of us) won't admit a problem or become willing to do anything about it until we've lost a great deal -- maybe a career, maybe a marriage, maybe more. But it's not necessary to suffer losses, just to admit a problem and find the willingness to do what's necessary to recover from it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

When you're ready,and by the sounds of this you're so not.Sorry but really.It's your husbands fault? You're trying to hide it from him but apparently you have a good relationship?Who are you kidding?

Re read your post Laura. You're lying to him 'not drinking before you have patients' (um-well I sure as h*ll hope not!!) and you think this is all ok? Do you realise how focused you unintentionally are on alcohol?Everything revolves around it.It's so obvious reading this.You 'live for' getting home when you can drink?You feel guilty when your husband brings it up?

You'll be done when you're done.And for the record-it is NEVER easy to stop.There is no magic Harry Potter moment for any of us.It takes committment, hard work, denying ourselves(there's a concept) and looking at ways to living a fulfilling, balanced life that embraces not just our needs but those of our loved ones.

I don't think you're there yet but I hope you make the choice to stop.You're not happy and I can promise you if you keep on like this it won't get better either,
Jules.

I so appreciate the feedback. I cannot convey how wonderful my relationship with my husband really is btw. It's been magical since day 1. He is eternally tolerant, loving and wonderful... and he loves me with every ounce of his being. It's as though he lives to make me happy and I try to do the same minus this one stumbling block of getting hooked on anything and everything I find able to give my mind a rest.

Thanks for the replies

Sorry to hear you are struggling Laura.
This paragraph describes how I thought my relationship was with my wife until she said quit or get out last year.
I knew she was serious so I quit. Do yourself a favor and quit now and do not risk getting into the position where you are under an ultimatum.
Now I realize she did it as much because she loved me as she did for herself but I sure didn't feel that way at the time.
I guess she did and does love me with every ounce of her being and that is why she helped me make our life together better.

How I envy you to have such a supportive husband. Please take advantage of that wonderful opportunity many of us do not have.
You are already obsessing over drink. Thinking about when you can, when you shouldn't or how much is too much? First signs. You are still so young. Don't wake up in twenty years (they go fast believe me) and think "If only".
I always used to say that I never drank at work, never when driving........
Until I had to, to stop the withdrawal and to this day I am so ashamed of that. Please don't let it get that far. Good luck.

Hi again Laura :)

I could have described my relationship with my husband the way you are. I am truly blessed that he is such a loving man, and willing to do most anything for me. How did I return that? By lying to him, hiding my drinking, deceiving him at every turn to keep on drinking. He didn't deserve that. He deserved the honesty and 'all of me' that he was giving to me. I just kept drinking.

He even stayed with me when I went to the emergency room, drunk by noon on a Sunday, thinking I was "hiding" the vodka in my system and only numbing the withdrawals. I was smashed. I used to only drink at parties and dinners. I used to control it. That doesn't matter.. This is progressive, and deadly. If it doesn't kill you before you quit, it likely will ruin most things in your life. Your job, your marriage. Trust me, it can all come to a head very quickly.

After my ER incident, (which only kept me sober for 3 weeks.. ), I started drinking even more secretly. I was miserable and horrified at my life, in those moments when gulping down a 'few' swallows of vodka seemed to take the edge off. I also began counting down the minutes at work so that I could get home and 'enjoy' my evening with my hidden bottle. More lying, more covering up.. less loving, less living. Still a tolerant and loving, trusting husband, that I was completely taking advantage of.

I don't need to tell you the rest of the story, because this post is about you.. and your drinking. I didn't want to stop either. I thought I was having fun, even in the most dark moments hidden away drunk off of alcohol no one knew I had.

If any of this sounds familiar, which I hope it does.. just think about it for a while. Like one of the previous posters said, I agree.. it doesn't sound like you're done yet. I hope you decide to quit before it's decided for you either by health or life change.

I hope that you get to a place where living honestly and with your entire heart is a preference over an alcohol buzz.. it's truly a beautiful gift to give not only your husband, but mostly yourself. Sobriety has been the best thing I have ever experienced in my life. This journey has led me to happiness that can't be bottled and drunk, happiness that I didn't even know was possible. My life was ending before it was really beginning.. all for a buzz.

How important is your marriage to you? If your drinking bothers your husband so much why not quit for him? If he had a habit that bothered you that much wouldn't you expect him to quit? There are lots of ways to relax w/o alcohol, my blood pressure went done considerably after I stopped drinking. If you can't quit for yourself do it for the one you love while there is still time.

Laura, I gotta agree with Jules. If you are lying and hiding things from your husband, no matter how great of a guy he is, y'all do not have a great marriage. You need to get straight with yourself about the problem you've got with alcohol and then you've got to get straight with your husband. Believe me, I thought exactly like you do, and now I realize I completely forgot what a truly good marriage is during the years that I was drinking.

In addition, I have got an alcoholic family member who is still out there, and until about two weeks ago, I think everyone who knows us would have described me as towards my family member, but guess what? The straw finally broke this camel's back over the holidays, and I'm DONE. No more enabling, no more codependency, no more nothin. Please don't push your husband to this point.

Get help friend. It ain't easy for any of us, but you gotta want it to get it done.

Good luck!
Jomey

My wife was all of those things for me, but eventually it all became too much. I'm not saying this is what is going to happen to you, but from what you have written it sounds like it is starting to become an issue in your relationship. I'm not sure how long you have been with him, I was with my wife (now ex) for over 15 years. She was tollerant, loving, put up with my BS, would stand by me through anything, but it eventually became too much for her, especially after my son was born. I am the one who ended up asking for the divorce, but that was only becasue I loved her and couldn't stand hurting her over and over again. We still care deeply for each other, but it's been 5 years since the divorce and it is unlikely I will get yet another shot. Just something to keep in mind. Glad to see you back. Take care.

I see that I pretty much repeated what the last 4 people in front of me said. So many folks with the same story. It doesn't have to be your story too.

Hey Laura. I guess trying to keep drink in your life ain't working out so well, No? Good to see you back.

I remember that Long PM that you sent to me in 08.09.2009 and that I replied to you about how for me I had to surrender and accept that I am an alcoholic. So moderating or any of that b*llshit ain't gonna work out. Also that alcoholism is progressive and will always get worse if you're an alcoholic. For me the only way I could beat the booze is to surrender and admit that as long as it remains in my life I will evntually lose everything. I also remember saying to you that alcohlism = the great leveller or something like that. A tramp was once where you are in many cases but continued to drink.

Is it worth losing your career and husband over booze? It sounds like it may be starting take over and all them YETS that were mentioned to you that you said would NEVER happen to you maybe around the corner...

Give it up now and throw your intelligence into 'recovery'. I'm sure you can do it if you keep an open mind and take the advice and wisdom that recovering alclholics/addicts give you on SR and at AA.

I understand what you guys are all saying. It's just I WANT to WANT to stop more than I actually want to if that makes sense. I'd like to think if it really came down to it, I could stop though. I used to and occasionally still do have OCD flare-ups during really stressful times that cause actual uncontrollable compulsions aka MUCH MUCH worse than anything I have ever experienced with alcohol and with no pleasure whatsoever attached to them. It's just embarrassing to me because when I visit my family (hundreds of miles away), they make comments... and it is NOT like I spend my time there wasted. My mom asks me to lay off of it because of my elevated blood pressure etc, then when my husband asks how many I have had if I get home a couple of hours before him. He makes me feel bad for drinking too much at night because he thinks that is what causes my hands to shake in the morning and I have to treat patients. It is just nerves, but I can't convince him. It's too much. I don't see that I'm acting any differently. I try to act as normal as possible. It's frustrating. I never thought though that he may think I'm drinking because of him when I'm drinking 100% because of me. That is absurd in my mind. He is absolutely wonderful!

I see a lot of the old me in your posts Laura.

It was my cerebral palsy that made my hands shake, my family and friends were wrong to characterise me by my drinking, or to get on my case about it cos many of them drank more than I did.....

It doesn't matter whether they or I was right - the fact is I kept drinking...alcohol was more important to me than the opinions of the people I loved and respected....alcohol was probably a contributing factor in my shakes, but drinking was more important to me than my hands shaking...

If you are as ok with your drinking as you think, then stop. A little deprivation to prove a point shouldn't hurt too much.

If you can't? I hope you get to the point of wanting to stop without losing too much, Laura.

D

[QUOTE=lauraandersen4;2480186] Totally understand where you are coming from there. I spent many, many years there. I knew I had a "problem" almost as soon as I started up, but kept using for almost another 20 years. I sure hope you don't have to go through all of the loses I had to go through before I finaly reached the point where I truly WANTED IT. Your posts have many, many of the "red flags" we all experienced early in out addicitons. I guess time will tell.

Have you talked to your doctor about this? I'm pretty sure she wouldn't recomend drinking as a solution for your OCD. I could perhaps buy it if that were the only time you drank. It seems that everyone around you sees this is a problem except you. I do admire your honesty in your threads, many folks would try to sugar coat it. Take care.