lionheart

Hey Everyone

I am on Day 19 now and while that is fantastic and am grateful for it, am having a rough few days.

Since working hard to get through Christmas and New Year its like a massive downward spiral, well more like a rollercoaster. I know others will relate to that.

So, I have been going to meetings and getting to as many as I can and that helps - it helps me not drink.

My mind is now the biggest battle I have. I had a rough day yesterday, where I felt quite crazy and questioning if I am an alcoholic and all it really was, was my mind playing tricks into "allowing" me to pick up another drink. It didnt happen.

I was driving home yesterday from work and a dog ran out on the street, I had no time to stop, I swerved but hit it. It gutted me. I have a dog of my own and absolutely love dogs and wanted to see if it was ok. It ran back to the house it sprinted out of, so it could walk but was holding up one paw. I turned the car around to go and check on it but the man waved me off, a number of times telling me it was fine. He didnt bend down to see the dog but ushered it back out the back. I am really concerned the dog will go untreated, I mean, I heard and felt the thud.

It made me want to drink - in the past, as soon as something happened in my life, the first thing I did was come home and drink. I didnt, I explained to my partner that I HAD to go to a meeting. Before I went my partner held me and comforted me, so am very lucky to have that support.

I went to that meeting and sat still. I listened. I heard someone for the first time speak the same language to me. I have identified before but only in parts. This woman spoke to me like I was the only person in the room. I got her number and plan on calling her to see if she will be my temp sponsor or maybe even sponsor - will see how it goes.

We had a few chats and we talked about my work and she said to me, wow that sounds very demanding and stressful, and it is.

I had (and I use had now, as it should be have) an interview today for a position with more responsibilities and stress than what I have now. She showed me (without realising it) that i was silly to make a move from an already demanding job to another one. I made the choice to not go. I am upset about that and somewhat frustrated because its an agency I want to work for but because I want/have to put my sobriety first, I need to step back from this and allow some other door to open.

I want to try and see the good but I am not having a good day and am seeing way too much of the negative. I am off to see a friend, who I know will pull all the good out, so that is a positive.

Thanks for reading - I dont expect any responses so maybe I should have blogged this..oh well

Enjoy your day

silentone

(((hugs)))

Dee74

Hi LH

I'm sorry about the dog - that's a terrible thing to happen I know - the guy not seeming to care makes it worse...but you did well...you did all you reasonably could...and you did didn't drink. That's a real achievement!

I'm sorry about the job too.

I agree it sounds like a wise choice, but think about it carefully and make sure you've made the right choice tho...make sure this isn't a decision made on fear, but on sound reasoning...be prepared to respond the way you want to when they get back to you.

You're doing very well
D

HumbleBee

Hey there, Lion ~

I highly recommend the AA book "Living Sober." It contains short chapters that deal with all the different 'life situations' and how our mind and behavior reverts back to needing that drink to deal with this and that and what we can use as a substitute instead.

One of the first books I read in recovery and still one of my favorite today.

This is what recovery is all about (imho)...it's not just about "not drinking" - it really is learning how to "live sober" and be happy and content with that.

Just because we stop drinking does not mean that the world around us stops so that we never have to be tempted again. Gathering all the tools we can to survive life's hiccups without the need for a drink is important. That book was one of the first things in my tool box.

Take care,
Humble

blackbirdsing

My heart goes out... my congrats on good choices too.

Stereosteveo

Now this is what I call ACTION!

Thanks for showing me "How it Works" Lionheart!

The dog will be just fine. They are amazingly resilient. I think you saved his life. I bet he won't be running in front of any more cars.

I'm glad you didn't blog, only b/c I don't read them. Selfish of me huh? lol

Thank you for sharing! Proud to know you.

Anna

(((Lionheart)))

I often say that the choices we have to make in early recovery are really hard, and they really are hard. For me, it was also hard to accept that my life would need to change forever. You are right to focus on your recovery and have faith that you have made good decisions.

I am terribly sorry about the dog.

lionheart

Hey humble

I have stared at this book a few times in the meetings but never picked it up. I didnt consider it something to read just yet. Ive barely made ground on the big book. But in hearing what you are saying, I think I may need to look into it. I am struggling with the living sober part and the meetings are helping me not drink but I need something to help with the head stuff.

Thank you!

lionheart

thank you for all your responses

I have been to my friends house and while she is not in the program or alcoholic she is a wise wise woman and sometimes its nice to bounce things off other people.

I dont feel a whole lot better but a little better than earlier today. She is fantastic at understanding!

It appears people understand my reaction and action so I can step back up and believe in what I am doing is heading the right direction....maybe one day I can feel confident again in that too.

I know someone is helping me walk the right path..I trust in that.

Sugah

lionheart, maybe it's because my own day was a little stressful; your post brought tears to my eyes. I told you about going back to school? I'm now 5 1/2 years into it, my second year of graduate studies, second year of teaching, second year of being away from my family during the week, and today was the first day of the spring semester. A looong day. And I didn't say that to complain (I know how blessed I am to be able to do this), but to relate. If you ever want an extra sounding board or to talk about stress and recovery, please feel free to pm me.

I teared up when I read about you following the dog, the man waving you off...and your experience at the meeting. I heard someone I love dearly sharing about his HP, that he so often hears Its wisdom through the people in the rooms. What you experienced today sounds like what we call a "god-shot."

I remember reading your first few posts and offering prayers. I don't want to stereotype you, try to fit you in a little box, but you're obviously a very intelligent woman, and, well, intelligent people often try to out-think alcoholism, and having spent fifteen years trying it, I'm not sure it can be done. I just wanted to say I'm glad you've opened yourself up to something that transcends those big brains we carry around. Your post though relaying difficulties nevertheless made my day.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lionheart

I do believe I was meant to be at that meeting to meet that woman and most def to hear her story. I cried a few tears when hearing it. I havent really stopped being emotionally upset for a couple of days, thats ok, I can handle that.

You can stereo type me as intelligent - wow, what a great box to be put in haha..

Glad you could hear me Sugah - its exactly why I post, it helps me get it out and sometimes, it just lets others hear things they need to hear too.

Hope things get a little better for you too!

tyler

[QUOTE=lionheart;2478839]I had (and I use had now, as it should be have) an interview today for a position with more responsibilities and stress than what I have now. She showed me (without realising it) that i was silly to make a move from an already demanding job to another one. I made the choice to not go. I am upset about that and somewhat frustrated because its an agency I want to work for but because I want/have to put my sobriety first, I need to step back from this and allow some other door to open. [QUOTE]

That whole experience sounds like good progress to me, especially the part I quoted above. In the past I would always try to force things, try to make them go my way. I would ignore that "gut feeling" that told me that even if this was what I "wanted" it was not necessarily the best thing for me. I've found, throughout my life, that if I "listened" to these gut feelings, things usually worked out for the best, even if it wasn't immediately obvious. I think in AA they would refer to this as "Let go, let God". Whatever you want to call it, I think it's positive that you recgonized that maybe this just wasn't the right time for you to make this move. Knowing that taking a more stressful job is great, but did the important thing and took action to prevent this from happening. That is truly progress. Take care.

serenityqueen

CONGRATULATIONS ON DAY 19!

That alone is quite an accomplishment. This is about the time when you're going to start having emotions pop up that you forgot you had. I know when I had around that time, I would cry at the drop of a hat, get angry and not know why but most of all, have feelings that I couldn't even begin to identify with. You're putting your feelings into words very well!

Of course that would upset you that you hit the dog. What crossed my mind was that the man could very well be the owner of the dog and had time to check it out while you were turning around. Keep that thought in mind, ok?

As far as not going for the interview, I think you made the right choice! As you said, you already have a great deal of stress and responsibility at the job you have now. The last thing you need at this time is to add anything else to your plate. Keep it Simple! There will always be other job openings down the road, but you aren't guaranteed another Recovery if you would take this job and it be too much for you to handle and you relapsed.

That's fantastic that you found someone who you could really identify with. And good for you for getting her phone number. One of the hardest things to do in early Recovery is picking up the thousand pound phone. Keep in contact with her. Sounds like someone who you have a connection with already.

Take it One Day at A Time.

God Bless,
Judy

lionheart

I really do hope that man checked out the dog, the hard part was that I saw the dog limping and not put one paw down which meant it was hurt - I am just quite sensitive to animals being hurt and I have snuggled into my little dog alot today and am grateful that she is healthy and loved and loves me back.

I think another big part that I forgot to mention about the interview/job is that my current job has been horrilbe for quite some time. I have been on stress leave, had serious HR type discussions about how my manager treats me,complaints etc and seem to have ended up in the same position. What I am proud of, is that I didnt just do this anyway in desperation to get away from the current role that is defeating me. That makes me just as proud as taking my recovery serious and also being able to see it. BUT its taken me all day to see those things. Hindsight and being able to reflect is great.

I struggle with asking for numbers, I have 2, one is from last night and the other from last week. I told her that I have struggled to get numbers and she offered, so am glad about that. I do feel connected already - hopefully she is available to help.

Thanks Judy

lionheart

I can hear others and now you tyler telling me I am making progress - I really need to hear that so thank you!

Since spending the past 2 years working on my panic disorder, I have had to learn to trust in my "gut" feelings. Its really really hard, but you have to try and trust that. Its working more now than ever! And something tells me that I had to go through the past stuff to get to the panic stuff to get to this stuff to appreciate it.

Thank you!

sunset2000

Hey Lion,

I just sent you a PM before reading this post. I am so sorry about the dog. That has happened to me before and I still have horrible memories from it. I'm just going to bed now but hope to be on tomorrow, although I think the time difference means we miss each other a lot. :-(

yeahgr8

Living sober is a great read, is soooo much better a read after you have gotten a sponsor and worked the steps...much easier to read and really understand after i was restored to sanity:-)

Keep going!

Deckard97

I say the Dog is doing ok but now it is in pain and trying to recover from the accident. This is a sign from God telling YOU that next time it won't be an animal getting hit.

shugabooga

you're doing great! hang in there! the little puppy dog will be fine; i'm sure of it!

55438

Hi Lionheart,

Sounds like you are making great choices, difficult but healthy.

Thanks for the thread full of real-life and hope.

55438