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Sharing my story

Old 01-04-2010, 09:42 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Sharing my story

As I confront the realities of my hopeful recovery, I guess it is time that I share my story with those that would like to hear. In the past, my ego has really kept me from talking about this with anyone, but I'm working on that too.

I suppose I should start in the beginning: I come from an intact supportive family in which my mother and father don't drink any alcohol. My paternal grandfather was clearly a closet Alcoholic, but that was it. Back in high school I was a pretty academic kid and really didn't experiment much. By my senior year I'd drank maybe twice and tried smoking pot once. I clearly remember during the summer after my senior year pretending to drink (pouring the beer out in the bathroom when no one was looking) just so I'd look "cool". I think it was this desire to fit in with a hipper crowd that originally got me drinking.

I went to college the next year and joined a fraternity. At this point I started drinking pretty hard and experimenting with some recreational drugs. Fast forward to after grad school and I was drinking just about daily and smoking pot every day. Over the last 10-15 years, my habit/addiction had matured at a progressive rate. For a while I justified it by comparing myself to my peers, but over time I was the one that always drank the most at just about every occasion.

I should mention that I am married (13 years) and now have 3 wonderful kids. For a while my wife either didn't notice the problem (or didn't want to). Maybe 5 years ago she mentioned that she wanted me to cut back and I agreed (despite my insistence that it wasn't a problem). In reality, I never cut back. I just got really good at hiding it. At first it was a quick stop at the local bar either during lunch or on the way home...but then it lead to hiding vodka all around the house. Over the last couple of years i've even been known to drive around town having a little nip just to take the edge off. I got to the point that I was easily drinking a six pack and about a pint of vodka a day.

While I've known I have a problem for a long time, my perceived life allowed me to live this way. Never really hit rock bottom or had a DUI. I have a great job and a really strong relationship with my family. Recently I started to realize that while I haven't hit bottom yet, I certainly will...

On New Years Eve I was drinking alone and actually started to cry. My ego couldn't believe that I had let something get its hooks in my this deep. I proceeded to throw out all of my hidden stash and and am really trying to make this work.

So far things are alright. I've had some headaches over the past four days and have been a bit grouchy. My biggest fear was not being able to sleep but that hasn't been to rough (although I am having fierce dreams). I'm going to try to keep pushing forward day by day for a while and see where that takes me. While I'd love to say that I'll never drink again, I'm not sure I'm there yet. For now, the next couple of days will have to do.

I know many on the site will suggest going to AA...I've thought about it but I'm not sure yet. I may be fooling myself but I kind of have a "you got yourself into this, now you have to get yourself out of it," sort of mentality. Stupid I know, but I'm going to try.

What I do know is that I'm not going to drink today...
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:05 AM
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Welcome to SR.

I hope that you'll be successful in your endeavor to stop drinking. I only have one thing to say; helping others is very important when you want to stop drinking. I understand your stance on AA and there are other methods for stopping drinking. But if you help others then you help yourself. There really is something to be said for AA. It has helped millions. Yeah, it's hard coming to the acceptance of being alcoholic or even thinking that we are. You've made one big step so far by coming to SR and seeking a support conduit. SR certainly is that so I encourage you to keep coming back to read and post. Don't think that AA is the only way to get and stay sober. Do some research. Take baby steps. Pat yourself on the back for coming to and realizing what may be afoot in you life. Good luck.

Others are sure to follow with sound advice.
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:47 AM
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I quit with the help of the people here at SR.
My marriage depended on it and it is good to see you didn't get to the point where your wife said quit or else.
She probably knew you were hiding your drinking and the kids could probably see the difference also.
Good luck on whatever path you choose for your quest.
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Old 01-04-2010, 12:25 PM
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Welcome to SR...glad you are here.

Yeah, the better you get at hiding your drinking....the meaner your alcoholism becomes.
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