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Old 01-04-2010, 06:21 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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There's sadness, then there is the complete lack of interest and motivation you descibe. It sounds like depression, TB, I say that because I've been there.
Sometimes (I hope I don't offend here) people cannot pray or step work thier way out of clinical depression. It's OK to work AA and make use of outside help if you have the means to do so.
I wish you the best and hope the cloud lifts soon.
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Old 01-05-2010, 12:53 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hey y'all, I thank you all for your replies. I'm not sure what it was... but I think it's gone now. Back to the rollercoaster effect I'm sure, up and down and so on... but it's better than falling apart in front of one's self.

I sure am good at falling apart fast, I gotta admit. And I don't mean in an emotional overreaction type of way. When I posted this, I hadn't eaten properly in a few days, only a few snacks--nothing I had to get/make myself. I didn't even want to eat the cookies at the meetings... just didn't feel like it. This is of course made worse by the fact that I can't (normally) go more than a few hours without eating--I eat a little all the time. I get shaky and trembly and have to sit down/go to sleep if I do, and it escalates when I do that.

Either way, everything went crazy on me about 6 o'clock tonight, my ipod and phone both ran out of battery (see what happens when you let things slide? hehe) and my sponsor was calling me, as was the person giving me a ride... so I had to hurry back to my house for the chargers. And by the time I had everything coordinated, I was back on track.

So I gotta regretfully admit, I think I was just overwhelmed by lack of purpose. Sorry.

I am keeping up with the dr--well, after they open up again from the holidays--medically and I got a counselor now. And I am beginning that stuff with the sponsor... she said to start reading the book. Well, she specified a little more than that.

I don't know how I'm gonna come out of all those drinking days, and I hope I'm not depressed, but I surely will be watching--as I'm sure both my dr (who cares a lot) and my therapist will also. Both are aware of the history and extent of my drinking.

And yeah, I know that I gotta get me through this. No one here on Earth is gonna carry me.

Don't have a clue where I'll end up... but hey, I was the one who came to the conclusion that I can't keep drinking... just *can't* and I can't really explain why. Didn't fall that far, and sobriety has been a lot of good days and a whole lot of bad days, but... hey I always liked new experiences, right?

And oh, yeah, gotta stop justifying stuff.

Take care y'all, and I thank you all for your replies... in my state of mind, I was thinking that I was all alone in this (based on the totality of where my mind was thinking... yeah, I know).

TB, doing a little bit better and hopefully tomorrow will be much better
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:02 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think about that "am I all alone" a lot. When I drank, I think I was. But in sobriety, I have a sponsor who takes her time without pay to call me and talk to me, have meetings with me. I have AA friends who do the same.
I have a therapist who calls me if I miss an appointment.

I am not alone in recovery, but when I've relapsed, I returned directly to being alone.
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:45 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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bubba
Back to the rollercoaster effect I'm sure, up and down and so on...
buba,

the best thing for that Rollercoaster Ride...

is dont buy a Ticket!

and dont forget that dopey slogan,

move a muscle, change a thought

put the Bon-Bons down bubba! lol

love ya!

rz
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Old 01-05-2010, 06:43 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I think I was just overwhelmed by lack of purpose. Sorry.
TB you have nothing to be sorry for, reaching out and seeking others ES&H not only helps you to stay sober, it helps others as well. One of the hardest things this stubborn old fool had to learn was to ask for help, to be willing to see that this was something I had to have the will power to over come my grossly inflated ego and accept that I needed the help of others.

TB please keep in mind that WE stay sober together, we are not alone in this! This is not to say that at this point in time that you are the only one that can make the decision to drink, but is it not kind of neat that you are already at the point where you CAN make that decision!

The last post you made was a good sign that you are heading in the right direction.

TB depression is pure hell, the steps helped me to over come my situational depression, but the steps do not help clinical depression, that takes a doctor/therapist. AA encourages us to seek outside help for things other then alcoholism.

In reality recovery is a package deal, we need to learn to deal with all things in order to effect the needed change for us to be able to deal with life on lifes terms.

Keep up with the meetings, working with your sponsor, with your Dr. & your councelor, just follow those suggestions, stay honest, keep an open mind and be willing.

TB I truly do enjoy watching you grow, you may not see it, but others do.
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Old 01-06-2010, 01:09 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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TB,

Glad to hear to you are feeling a bit better! Yup, the emotions come and go, the highs and the lows. It stinks, but what can you do? Just take it one day at a time, and you'll be golden. Keep posting, and as mentioned previously, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am glad you are here, keep 2010 going strong!

//_wlx
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Old 01-06-2010, 02:19 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Yup, out of the depression and right back into the rollercoaster!

Got about as angry as I can be these days--had to give up the anger a few years back (legal reasons if you will)--and dang near messed it all up, but thought better of it after a few moments.

Then, I waited out the liquor store, and--and this is the part I don't get--I wished I hadn't. I had cooled down a bit, didn't want to drink, but for some reason I thought I will regret not having gone. I'm confused. Tried to ask someone, but... anyways.

And now I think the anger is comforting me. It's a feeling I haven't felt this strongly in a long long time, but at least it's familiar...

Hopefully sleep will make me forget all of this.

Take care y'all,
TB, wheeeeeeeee
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Old 01-06-2010, 07:04 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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if you stay sober long enough to work all those pesky steps out with your sponsor tb, all of this will both make more sense and be more manageable.

you ever picture a troll on one shoulder who is the "bad voice" and a spryte on the other who is the "good voice"? When I started hearing myself think "I'm going to regret not going", I would immediately picture the troll and laugh at him. He was the drunk, alcoholism, and he yelled a lot in the beginning, and the more I laughed at him and saw him for what he was, the less frequently he came around.
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Old 01-06-2010, 07:22 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet View Post
if you stay sober long enough to work all those pesky steps out with your sponsor tb, all of this will both make more sense and be more manageable.

you ever picture a troll on one shoulder who is the "bad voice" and a spryte on the other who is the "good voice"? When I started hearing myself think "I'm going to regret not going", I would immediately picture the troll and laugh at him. He was the drunk, alcoholism, and he yelled a lot in the beginning, and the more I laughed at him and saw him for what he was, the less frequently he came around.
I like that and was thinking about this yesterday. When i had just started working the steps, i think it was after step 5 actually i can remember the racing mind still but looking at it in a naturally detached way just thinking ok you carry on let me know when you're done. Like a screaming kid with tantrums that you know will eventually run out of steam and quiet down...this for me was the natural acceptance of the saying 'it too shall pass'...before i would not have been able to see this, like Lisa says...to be able to distinguish between the troll and the spryte and when the troll went off on one just relax, and laugh to yourself, and be patient as i promise it always runs out of steam and if you work all the steps, and continue to do so on a daily basis, just gets plain fed up at you ignoring it and just waits around for you to stop doing what you need to do each day for your sobriety. The racing mind does go as my sponsor told me...and it has:-)

Hope that makes some sense?!
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Old 01-06-2010, 08:14 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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And now I think the anger is comforting me. It's a feeling I haven't felt this strongly in a long long time, but at least it's familiar.
You know thoughts are thoughts, be they angry, lustful, vengful.... etc., as long as they remain thoughts and not actions, we can then work on dealing with them in a manner that is appropiate.

There is nothing wrong with getting angry as long as #1 we do not take actions without thinking that may result in harm to others or our selfs, & #2 we deal with these thoughts and not let them OWN us. The best way I deal with this is one of the many things I have drawn from the BB and the experience of others and myself.

When I find myself angry, resentful, or confused, instead of taking immediate unthought out action, I force myself to STOP!!!!!! I pray & meditate upon it, if need be I will speak to some one I trust about what is going on to see if action is really warranted or if acceptance of what is up is the answer.

Most of the time I find myself simply accepting what has been the cause of my anger, resentment, or confusion and just letting go & letting God, there are times though where appropiate action is needed on my part, if this is the case I do not delay upon the action if needed, I take the action to resolve the issue and then accept that I have done what I can and move on turning the rest over to God.

Anger is something that we experience, but for most of us it is best if we rid our selfs of it as soon as possible and move on rather then letting the anger build up inside our selfs eventually resulting in us doing something that will hurt others or our selfs. I know for me that anger is something I do not want to hold on to for any length of time.
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