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I_can't_believe_I_drank_on_New_Years

Old 01-03-2010, 02:36 PM
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I_can't_believe_I_drank_on_New_Years

I thought I had a good plan. I thought I was farther along in sobriety (38 days at the time). I thought I was in a house with no alcohol.

I was watching my brother, home alone at my parents house on New Years. I asked them to take all the alcohol out of the house and it appeared they did just that, but of course I looked in the freezer and there was a BIG jug of vodka. I didn't even put up a fight...

I'm so tired of hurting those that love me. My Mom is so upset (b/c I drank but also b/c I spoke to a few of her neighbors...long story. I also tried to hide it, but of course I left a trail).

I was so hungover on Friday I couldn't even stand up without throwing up. I texted my sponsor b/c I was too much of a coward to call him, then turned my phone off until Saturday. Now he won't call me back (he probably came over to pick me up for our normal Sat meeting).

This is all my fault. I, of course, take full responsability.

I'm scared, I'm confused. I don't even know why I drank...it was horrible! I honestly don't know what is going on. I went today and picked up another white chip and I'll keep on fighting.

I've never felt lower in my life. I don't know what to do. I'm not in any danger of hurting myself, but I can't continue to live like this. I'm in AA, in the middle of doing 90 in 90. I pray multiple times a day, call my sponsor everyday, meet with him at least once a week, I go to IOP two nights a week. What am I doing wrong?
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:40 PM
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Kjell,

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I understand the feeling of despair.

Learn something from this experience and move forward. You now know that this disease is relentless and it will use any opportunity it can, to win a foothold. The disease of addiction searches for the times when we are vulnerable, when we have relaxed just a bit, and then it pounces.

I'm so glad that you came back and are trying again.
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:48 PM
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Kjell
I'm sorry.

I don't know what you're doing 'wrong' - only you can honestly answer that.

But this jumped out at me

I didn't even put up a fight...
but why not?

You must have numbers to call?
Did you have an emergency strategy?

I wasn't there - and I know it's difficult...but I do know I had to work really hard to remain sober sometimes.

Whatever lessons there are for you to learn here - and I'm sure there are - please think about them Kjell

D
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Kjell



but why not?

You must have numbers to call?
Did you have an emergency strategy?
Thanks D and Anna.

That's what I don't know. I've been in similar situations and was able to remain strong. Why not Thursday night?

I do have plenty of numbers to call, plenty of support. I don't know why I didn't use them. I guess I don't have an emergency strategy.

I've already lost so much from this and I still have to go to court for my 2nd dui... "It's" only going to get worse. I've got to get my head right.
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:57 PM
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Back to those first three steps, my friend. Welcome back.

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Old 01-03-2010, 03:08 PM
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Praying for You

Kjell,

I failed miserably on New Year's Eve also. It was probably one of my worst binges yet in terms of what I did while hammered. We cannot change the past, but we can make better choices for our future. By far, you are not alone.
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:32 PM
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Get on with the steps with your sponsor, if you can get past the first three...if you are really willing to do anything to get and stay sober these should be fairly straight forward IMO then onto the rest...i am staying at a friends house cat sitting by myself, she has a bottle of wine and a non-alcoholic beer (which indidentally she said i could haven the na beer that is...why the hell would i drink non alcoholic beer but thats another topic;-)) in the fridge...i haven't been through them today...didn't go through them in the last 10 days either...pretty sure if i work the program the same as today i'll be ok tomorrow too:-)
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:13 PM
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We can learn from the "mistake" what can we do to prevent this from happening again?
If we walk away stronger and more resilient to this overcoming us again then that is the best thing we can do.

We make the call before we drink, we talk it through, we get to a meeting, we put it off until we talk to at least 3 people including our sponsor. By the time we get to the third person we have generally thought it through enough to know what a bad idea it is.
Today is a new day, you can do this, stay strong, keep moving forward.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:37 PM
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Thanks everyone. I can't say it enough, I'm not done trying and even though I'll probably not be allowed over my parents house and they may not help me with rides, I'm determined to beat this. That's their decision and I'll respect and honor whatever they decide.

One thing I know for sure, I just can't be in a situation where I'm home "alone" and there is alcohol in the house. It seems that sometimes I can win that war and sometimes I lose. My losses are really starting to pile up and they scare the hell outta me. I don't want anymore L's, only W's.

38 days down the drain. So much lost over one night. It's certainly not worth it and completly insane...
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:37 PM
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Kjell I think you have learned from this and I think you have added a tool to your recovery. Maybe you didn't take working AA seriously enough. I mean when I was in AA years ago I went and got a sponsor, but I didn't delve deeply into it. Had I done that back in my 20s I might not have faced the next 20 years of the same out of control drinking I endured. Recovery comes first and just remember New Years Eve or New Years Day or Martin Luther King Day is just another day. We don't need the calendar to give us a reason.

Get back up on that horse and don't look behind you. Take with you what you learned and keep moving forward. Regret is a demon that can keep you down.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:41 PM
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Hey Kjell. You are not the first one to lose. I am with the others that are suggesting looking at the situation and learning from it.

I do know that a relapse usually starts way before we pick up the drink. Some where in our heads we're already planning it. Just be honest with yourself first, that's the person you really need to be accountable to.

Get back up and keep on going. You're still on the right path.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:41 PM
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This

Will explain very clearly why you do what you do, and what you can do to recover from it.

Joe And Charlie Big Book Adventure
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:49 PM
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One step you can take is to humbly make amends to your parents and make things right.
for the relapse in their house
Whether they accept your amends or not, is up to them...but you can quickly take positive steps to clean up your side of the street.

Ask for what you need from them and that may be asking them to hide the alcohol when you come over. Tell them you are struggling but today you are working at being sober.
Don't hide in shame...worst thing to do in my opinion. Learning to be honest about what you do and how you are feeling is part of sobriety.

Focus on today.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:54 PM
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"Our spiritual and emotional growth in AA does not depend so deeply upon success as it does upon our failures and setbacks. If you will bear this in mind, I think that your slip will have the effect of kicking you upstairs instead of down" - As Bill Sees It

Reflections goes on to say that a relapse can provide a positive experience towards abstinence and a lifetime of recovery. It also reinforces the progressive nature of the disease.

When I relapsed I felt as you did, guilty and remorseful and ashamed. I thought about quitting AA. But the thought of drinking again and my lack of a solution brought me back into the fold of AA and my sponsor. Now I pray every morning for God to keep my sober and thank him every night.

It is working so far, but I know I am one drink away from being in oblivion again.

I can't have liquor in my house either. I wish you strength, hope and peace my friend.
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Old 01-03-2010, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
One step you can take is to humbly make amends to your parents and make things right.
for the relapse in their house
Whether they accept your amends or not, is up to them...but you can quickly take positive steps to clean up your side of the street.

Ask for what you need from them and that may be asking them to hide the alcohol when you come over. Tell them you are struggling but today you are working at being sober.
Don't hide in shame...worst thing to do in my opinion. Learning to be honest about what you do and how you are feeling is part of sobriety.

Focus on today.
Wow. This goes against all my insticts, but these same insticts are what got me in this mess to begin with. Thank you and I will follow this advice.
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Old 01-03-2010, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I didn't even put up a fight...
but why not?
Because thats the nature of alcoholism???
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Old 01-03-2010, 06:27 PM
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Kjell

Clearly there are things we can do, or we'd all still be drinking or using.

I know you're in AA - here's some suggestions written from an AA perspective - I see a lot of wisdom in them - I hope they can help you or someone else next time

Before you drink alcohol, do these things

D
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
38 days down the drain. So much lost over one night. It's certainly not worth it and completly insane...
You still have your 38 days. You have the experience you gained during them, as well as the experience learned from your relapse. While you are "back to day 1" as far as AA is concerned, it would truly be a loss if you don't take this experience away from this situation. You don't have to go through these feelings again.

You have learned that "you cannot be in a situation where alcohol is present." OK, that's definately a good idea. But in life, there may well be situations you may find yourself in where alcohol is, in fact, present. What are you going to do then? What are you going to do differently?

I find myself in a somewhat similar situation with my DOC, marajuana. It is, of course much easier to stay away from pot than it is alcohol. I have yet to be tested, but I have played the situation over and over in my head, and I have a plan. I will leave, I don't care what the situation is, but I will automatically head the other direction. This may cause some embarassment, but I don't care anymore. If I take a hit off that joint, I'm done. Been there done that too many times. You are in control of taking that first drink, after that, all bets are off, but you still have a choice of not taking that first drink.

Hang in there. Get with your sponsor and get his ideas of what you should do. Really work your program and find out what it is all about. Humble yourself and pick up that white chip. You can do this. Take care.
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:05 PM
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Cool Something very simple/simplistic

You say, "... I'm in AA, in the middle of doing 90 in 90. I pray multiple times a day, call my sponsor everyday, meet with him at least once a week, I go to IOP two nights a week. What am I doing wrong?..."

I don't know about 'doing wrong' but I don't see anything about what step you're actively working on.

So, what step are/were you working on? I have NEVER known anyone to relapse who was actively working on a step.


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Old 01-04-2010, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
I didn't even put up a fight...

I'm in AA, in the middle of doing 90 in 90. I pray multiple times a day, call my sponsor everyday, meet with him at least once a week, I go to IOP two nights a week. What am I doing wrong?
Your post reads almost exactly like pages 23 and 37 of the Big Book. Didn't even put up a fight. The insane idea, the trivial excuse, or no defense at all won out. You didn't plan it, didn't intend it, but there you are drunk. That's powerless. It's described in italics on pg 24. The solution is described on page 25, among other places. Almost none of us liked the self searching, leveling of our pride, confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consumation.

Just like NoelleR pointed out, your post doesn't mention what Step you are on. A friend of mine in the program is fond of saying that if you don't know what step you're on, you probably aren't on one.

Looking back, I have no good explanation at all why I didn't drink in those first few months of sobriety. My life was in chaos, finishing up a divorce, major trouble with my job, legal problems bearing down on me. I really couldn't face very well at all.

But, I was immersed in taking the Steps. That was about all I could do, and I couldn't even do that very well. But I had this Big Book thumping sponsor that would ask me everyday what progress I had made with the Step I was on. We would meet multiple times a week and go through that book together.

Originally Posted by NoelleR View Post
I have NEVER known anyone to relapse who was actively working on a step.
I've worked with a couple guys who relapsed while in the middle of the steps. Their work was pretty solid, and I don't think they were doing anything wrong. It's kind of a miracle that any of us make it through any given day without drinking. It's even more of a miracle when it ceases to be an issue. But these guys just reviewed a few things and picked up where they were. Both of them have multiple years sober today.
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