Giving sobriety another go
Eternal optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Giving sobriety another go
I'm back -- scared and quite frustrated with myself.
Almost a year ago I was here and I managed to put together 4 1/2 months of sobriety. I felt good and I really thought I was hold it together for the long haul. But somehow I got side-tracked, fooling myself into believing that I had willpower once again, and that maybe I could drink occasionally. I have unfortunately continued to binge recklessly since then.
What has startled me into making a serious attempt to get sober, is that the day after Christmas my father had a massive heart attack and ended up in the hospital ICU. He's still in the hospital today, except he's in the coronary care unit. I have been estranged from my father for over a decade. But it scares me that he may die. And it scares me that it could be me next.
Apparently, he had been drinking heavy-- as he has almost every day for many years -- and smoking crack. He overdosed, and that's what led to his heart attack. I don't know to what extend his heart is damaged, or what his prognosis is at this time. HIPPA privacy doesn't allow the hospital staff to disclose any information to me. My sister is his liason right now and I don't have much to do with her either. I get third party info from my mom. Which leaves me pretty much in the dark about things. I don't have it in me to go and visit him -- our strained relationship is quite awkward. His seeing me might not do his heart any good either. I know they told him he must stop drinking and doing drugs. In addition to his heart problem, he has uncontrolled diabetes. And he'll be 74 shortly. All of the hard drinking throughout his life has caught up with him, and he's in dire straits. I do NOT want this to be me. I know it could happen sooner than later and that frightens me more than I can express.
I'm serious about getting sober. So much so that I obtained an AA directory and plan to make a meeting today. I have been on my knees and agonizing over the mess I've made of myself with alcohol -- it controls my every thought. Every day. I know I just can't live like this anymore. I'm so thankful I can come here though. I've missed the companionship that so many of you have provided in the past. I'm back with a heavy heart but my arms wide open...
Almost a year ago I was here and I managed to put together 4 1/2 months of sobriety. I felt good and I really thought I was hold it together for the long haul. But somehow I got side-tracked, fooling myself into believing that I had willpower once again, and that maybe I could drink occasionally. I have unfortunately continued to binge recklessly since then.
What has startled me into making a serious attempt to get sober, is that the day after Christmas my father had a massive heart attack and ended up in the hospital ICU. He's still in the hospital today, except he's in the coronary care unit. I have been estranged from my father for over a decade. But it scares me that he may die. And it scares me that it could be me next.
Apparently, he had been drinking heavy-- as he has almost every day for many years -- and smoking crack. He overdosed, and that's what led to his heart attack. I don't know to what extend his heart is damaged, or what his prognosis is at this time. HIPPA privacy doesn't allow the hospital staff to disclose any information to me. My sister is his liason right now and I don't have much to do with her either. I get third party info from my mom. Which leaves me pretty much in the dark about things. I don't have it in me to go and visit him -- our strained relationship is quite awkward. His seeing me might not do his heart any good either. I know they told him he must stop drinking and doing drugs. In addition to his heart problem, he has uncontrolled diabetes. And he'll be 74 shortly. All of the hard drinking throughout his life has caught up with him, and he's in dire straits. I do NOT want this to be me. I know it could happen sooner than later and that frightens me more than I can express.
I'm serious about getting sober. So much so that I obtained an AA directory and plan to make a meeting today. I have been on my knees and agonizing over the mess I've made of myself with alcohol -- it controls my every thought. Every day. I know I just can't live like this anymore. I'm so thankful I can come here though. I've missed the companionship that so many of you have provided in the past. I'm back with a heavy heart but my arms wide open...
Living in the moment!
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Wondering where I belong!
Posts: 126
Hi William,
Soooo sorry to hear about your father, that is very scary! I hope he makes it through OK!! I am new to SR and plan on making it through the day without a drink!! I know I can NOT do it by myself either!!! I know exactly how it feels for my every thought to be controlled by alcohol......it is absolutely miserable!!
Welcome back and I hope you find lots of support here!!
Soooo sorry to hear about your father, that is very scary! I hope he makes it through OK!! I am new to SR and plan on making it through the day without a drink!! I know I can NOT do it by myself either!!! I know exactly how it feels for my every thought to be controlled by alcohol......it is absolutely miserable!!
Welcome back and I hope you find lots of support here!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
Glad you are back!
I can fully relate to estrangement from loved ones (for me it was both parents, brothers for many years-the only way to interact with them on any level was to be altered in some way).
Sounds like it's time to, not plan to, get some help. You may want to go to treatment and get your mind cleared up then pursue some means of not taking that first drink again. AA/NA, ECBT, SR, or other methods. You may not want to limit yourself to just one. You have to ask yourself the question; am I ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober and change my life for the better? Just remember, at this point it is pretty obvious you cannot do this alone, you need some sort of help. Utilizing several of these methods has worked well for me. Thing is, ACT, don't stay in your head with it, you're gonna be screwed if you do. We can't use the same thinking that got us into trouble to get us out. Ask around for some guidance. Collectively there is a terrific amount of experience strength and hope here and out there...
I have to share this with you: In times when things got really bad at home, traumatic events, even celebrations, the only way I could be there was high in some way. You could hear people whisper; "of all times-couldn't he have stayed straight for this?!" What no one understood it was the ONLY way I knew how to be, especially at times like that. Thing is you have to get you better if you are to be of any benefit to others.....
Time of thinking is past. It is time to take action.... You and your family will be in my prayers........
" Sobriety is a journey…
Of broken dreams….Renewed
Of withered faith…Revived
Of self esteem…Reborn.
It is a road not walked alone,
but in the company of many,
Where tears are understood,
Pain -- an avenue to freedom,
And fear an accepted response.
It is a way of life…
Where the gift encountered
Is hope.
-E.V. Stankowski,
I can fully relate to estrangement from loved ones (for me it was both parents, brothers for many years-the only way to interact with them on any level was to be altered in some way).
Sounds like it's time to, not plan to, get some help. You may want to go to treatment and get your mind cleared up then pursue some means of not taking that first drink again. AA/NA, ECBT, SR, or other methods. You may not want to limit yourself to just one. You have to ask yourself the question; am I ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober and change my life for the better? Just remember, at this point it is pretty obvious you cannot do this alone, you need some sort of help. Utilizing several of these methods has worked well for me. Thing is, ACT, don't stay in your head with it, you're gonna be screwed if you do. We can't use the same thinking that got us into trouble to get us out. Ask around for some guidance. Collectively there is a terrific amount of experience strength and hope here and out there...
I have to share this with you: In times when things got really bad at home, traumatic events, even celebrations, the only way I could be there was high in some way. You could hear people whisper; "of all times-couldn't he have stayed straight for this?!" What no one understood it was the ONLY way I knew how to be, especially at times like that. Thing is you have to get you better if you are to be of any benefit to others.....
Time of thinking is past. It is time to take action.... You and your family will be in my prayers........
" Sobriety is a journey…
Of broken dreams….Renewed
Of withered faith…Revived
Of self esteem…Reborn.
It is a road not walked alone,
but in the company of many,
Where tears are understood,
Pain -- an avenue to freedom,
And fear an accepted response.
It is a way of life…
Where the gift encountered
Is hope.
-E.V. Stankowski,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by prettypoison 
I'm back -- scared and quite frustrated with myself... What has startled me into making a serious attempt to get sober, is that the day after Christmas my father had a massive heart attack and ended up in the hospital ICU. He's still in the hospital today, except he's in the coronary care unit... I'm serious about getting sober. So much so that I obtained an AA directory and plan to make a meeting today. I have been on my knees and agonizing over the mess I've made of myself with alcohol -- it controls my every thought. Every day. I know I just can't live like this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Pretty,
My father also had a heart attack. It was back in 1980. He lacked for nothing and took wonderful vacations. But he was very overweight and he drank every night. I can remember the nights when he'd get home and have however many martinis he'd drink. He didn't interact with his kids and he wasn't so wonderful to his wife. He didn't stop drinking after the first heart attack. Thirteen years later he died of a second heart attack.
The thing is, he knew it was coming. He had been through extensive tests here in MN at the Mayo clinic. They told him he needed angioplasty at the time but he refused it. Had he gotten that procedure done he may still be with us. I do believe that it was his drinking and overall unhealthy lifestyle that took it's toll on him. He was so happy to make it past the age of 58 because that was the age his dad, grandpa and great grandpa had died. I remember reading his autopsy report, it read that his liver had scarring. We both know what caused that. You and I both know what is coming if we go back to drinking....
Last year when I joined SR I was like my dad. Overweight and drinking every night. But I was among friends here and I felt good. I stopped drinking and lost a lot of weight. I exercised regularly. But like you I started drinking again. This may be surprising to hear for my other SR friends; people like freya, HLBlue, Eclipse, Phaleron, Nickishine, Masseyman, Believe, HoS and the other LIS folks. For most of you this is the first time hearing about it.
The point is, Pretty...like you, I don't want to end up like my dad. I want to make it happen. I want to Live In Sobriety. Fortunately that is all that AA asks of us. We only need to have the desire to quit. Third tradition says it all and makes it easy for us who seek the help that is provided by folks who understand us. You know where I am at in terms of AA and I don't want to come across as an expert because I'm not. It's just that one thing I keep reading over and over is that if we want to get sober and stay sober then we need to help others. Going to AA has a dual benefit in that not only are we helping others but we are also helping ourselves. That "helping others" thing is what makes AA so successful for many people. It gets us out of ourselves.
Pretty, just do what you know is best for you. You're already considering doing what my good friend freya suggested to me so long ago. Get to some "real life" recovery. SR is good and there is a lot of good people here. Yet, for all the good things it provides for us, it is no substitute for real life recovery.
You can do this.
My father also had a heart attack. It was back in 1980. He lacked for nothing and took wonderful vacations. But he was very overweight and he drank every night. I can remember the nights when he'd get home and have however many martinis he'd drink. He didn't interact with his kids and he wasn't so wonderful to his wife. He didn't stop drinking after the first heart attack. Thirteen years later he died of a second heart attack.
The thing is, he knew it was coming. He had been through extensive tests here in MN at the Mayo clinic. They told him he needed angioplasty at the time but he refused it. Had he gotten that procedure done he may still be with us. I do believe that it was his drinking and overall unhealthy lifestyle that took it's toll on him. He was so happy to make it past the age of 58 because that was the age his dad, grandpa and great grandpa had died. I remember reading his autopsy report, it read that his liver had scarring. We both know what caused that. You and I both know what is coming if we go back to drinking....
Last year when I joined SR I was like my dad. Overweight and drinking every night. But I was among friends here and I felt good. I stopped drinking and lost a lot of weight. I exercised regularly. But like you I started drinking again. This may be surprising to hear for my other SR friends; people like freya, HLBlue, Eclipse, Phaleron, Nickishine, Masseyman, Believe, HoS and the other LIS folks. For most of you this is the first time hearing about it.
The point is, Pretty...like you, I don't want to end up like my dad. I want to make it happen. I want to Live In Sobriety. Fortunately that is all that AA asks of us. We only need to have the desire to quit. Third tradition says it all and makes it easy for us who seek the help that is provided by folks who understand us. You know where I am at in terms of AA and I don't want to come across as an expert because I'm not. It's just that one thing I keep reading over and over is that if we want to get sober and stay sober then we need to help others. Going to AA has a dual benefit in that not only are we helping others but we are also helping ourselves. That "helping others" thing is what makes AA so successful for many people. It gets us out of ourselves.
Pretty, just do what you know is best for you. You're already considering doing what my good friend freya suggested to me so long ago. Get to some "real life" recovery. SR is good and there is a lot of good people here. Yet, for all the good things it provides for us, it is no substitute for real life recovery.
You can do this.
Eternal optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate the support as well as sharing your stories with me.
I know I need more than my own efforts to stay sober. Battling within your own mind is so difficult, but I know I can do it with help. Having a sponsor is something I know I need. So many times I've wished I had someone to call and talk to about wanting to drink but not being able to use my own logic to stop myself. I know it's time to armour myself by working those steps.
I'll let you know how the meetings go...
Hugs,
Mandy
I know I need more than my own efforts to stay sober. Battling within your own mind is so difficult, but I know I can do it with help. Having a sponsor is something I know I need. So many times I've wished I had someone to call and talk to about wanting to drink but not being able to use my own logic to stop myself. I know it's time to armour myself by working those steps.
I'll let you know how the meetings go...
Hugs,
Mandy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Mandy,
Welcome back!
I'm glad to see you back and motivated to live a sober life.
Whatever happens with your relationship with your father, you will be much better able to deal with things if you can love yourself and think clearly.
Welcome back!
I'm glad to see you back and motivated to live a sober life.
Whatever happens with your relationship with your father, you will be much better able to deal with things if you can love yourself and think clearly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Nice one and welcome back, i remember you:-)
After my 5 month not drinking (not sober, just not drinking;-)) stint a year last October i crashed and burned (not relapse cos i wasn't sober in the first place)...went to rehab for a few weeks...then finally crawled into AA begging for help...the difference is a miracle and i hope you get to as many meeetings as you can, get your sponsor and work the steps so you can have a new freedom too...
Make it your time pp!
After my 5 month not drinking (not sober, just not drinking;-)) stint a year last October i crashed and burned (not relapse cos i wasn't sober in the first place)...went to rehab for a few weeks...then finally crawled into AA begging for help...the difference is a miracle and i hope you get to as many meeetings as you can, get your sponsor and work the steps so you can have a new freedom too...
Make it your time pp!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
You were missed & I'm so glad you've made your way back! You always had interesting & helpful things to say.
I know you can do this. We'll be with you while you find good health & peace of mind.
I know you can do this. We'll be with you while you find good health & peace of mind.
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