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New relationship and confused

Old 01-01-2010, 12:04 AM
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New relationship and confused

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'm not sure where to start. I've been talking to a man online for a year and a half. We talk daily/nightly online, by phone, web cam. We're 5 hours apart and haven't yet met due to his schedule and mine..work, school. We took the relationship further last spring and now we're in love with each other and planning on meeting very soon and starting our lives together. He was one year sober then relapsed and is now 11 months sober. He seems to have his life together for the most part. He's educated and working on his 2nd Master's degree, finances in order and is very intelligent. My concern is, he's very vague about things in his life. He seems very loving and committed to making a life with me at some point in the future. We have great, long conversations but it seems that I do most of the talking and he does a lot of listening. It's not because I'm self absorbed but he doesn't tell me much about himself. He says that I can ask him anything and he'll tell me anything that I want to know. I feel that his answers are short and I'm always left feeling confused. He says he just doesn't have much drama in his life and that his life consists of meetings and work. He's so sweet to me and says he just loves hearing all of my quirky stories. I want to have this relationship with him because he seems like a wonderful man. The fact that he's recovering and I have very little knowledge or alcoholism other than from a nursing standpoint. I've read posts on here from others in a similar situation as myself where people have said "RUN" or don't get involved, find someone with a clean slate, being with a recovering alcoholic is the toughest life you could ever live. I'm more afraid now after reading them! Does anyone have advice for me? I'm willing to release more information about the situation as questions are asked...I just don't know where to start otherwise.
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Old 01-01-2010, 03:23 AM
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Well, I don't have a lot of advice about the recovering alcoholic aspect, but warning bells always go off in my head when people say they are willing to make a serious committment to someone they have never met in person.

I would suggest meeting this guy IRL and then decide if you are ready to make a serious committment.
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Old 01-01-2010, 03:58 AM
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I am with Littlefish....I don't think the issue is his being a recovering alcoholic, but rather the fact that you haven't met after a year and a half. That is a huge red flag!! It seems that he may be hiding something and honestly ask yourself if all the excuses (work, school, schedules etc.) are real reasons for not meeting in person. It seems that there had to have been some time within that year that you could have met. I have dated online for several years and my first thought on this is that he is content and happy with the relationship as it is...superficial, at a distance and safe. He is obsiously getting some emotional reward out of a relationship with you, but I wouldn't be thinking of sharing your life with someone you haven't met in person. There have been many times that I have had a relationship start over the phone...long, wonderful conversations where I began to wonder if this was the soul mate I had been looking for only to find out after meeting in person the guy wasn't anything like I had imagined!!! Offer to meet in person soon and if all you get is excuses, then I would move on. Again, the recovery of this person does not seem to be the problem here. Hope this helps and good luck to you!!
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:58 PM
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Sassy,

I have a couple of questions for you. Do you have his home, work or cell phone numbers or do you only talk online? Have you offered to fly to meet him or have him come to you? And if so, what was his excuse? I've been dating a long time as I am 45 years old and have never been married. And the one thing I DO NOT mess with is other women's men. I guarantee you if you can't call him anytime of the day or night on his cell or at his home, is married or living with someone. Period.

I agree, the problem isn't his recovery. It's the fact that he is not available. Run. And do not look back. You are worth way more than this guy can ever give you.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this guy has "married" written all over him.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:14 PM
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I do have his cell and home phone numbers. I don't believe that he is married. We've made arrangements to meet before half way. He says he thinks he can do it but he's still on probation for a prior DUI. He just graduated from some intensive program and attends AA 5x's a week. He completes the remainder of his program in 2 weeks and says he'll know at that point more of what his options are. I just feel that after talking for so long, I know very little about anything. I feel like I know just enough to keep coming back for more if that makes any sense. I can never get him to answer his phone in the mornings for some reason. We will text in the afternoon but very limited and he calls me from work on his breaks. Our talking is late at night when he gets home until whatever time. My concern hasn't really been so much with whether or not he's with someone but more of why he's so vague about his life. He's on meds for depression and anxiety and I know that can alter your normal mood. I just don't know if he's hiding things and if I should be very concerned. He told me he was a RA several months into us talking then it took him a few more months to tell me the trouble he got himself into because of it. Even telling me took him months because he would only tell me one incident here and there.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:19 PM
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The thing about online relationships is that you only know what the other person wants you to know. There is no way to know for sure if they are being honest or if they are even who they say they are. There are people out there who are extremely skilled at lying, and not having to face another person in real life makes it all that much easier for them to lie. You are right to be apprehensive. If you do decide to meet in person, please do so in a very public place and do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be alone with him. This may sound like extreme paranoia, but believe me, it is much better to be safe than sorry.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:25 PM
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Sassy,

I really believe you need to be in the same room together, breathing the same air type thing before you can determine if you wish to commit to this person! Trust me as this happened to me. I spoke to a man for a few months on line and thought oh this is it until I met him in person. I was not attracted to him at all. There was no chemistry no matter how hard I tried. Let alone this man you are speaking with being so vague. We really need to trust our gut and I think your instincts are telling you something is up. Go with them. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:56 PM
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He may be a wonderful man but until you meet in person and continue to meet in person over a period of time you have no way of knowing. People can be anything they want when a relationship is long distance, don't invest so much of your heart until you know for sure this man is real. I had 2 marriages with men who were the "strong silent type" at first it intriqued me but ultimately it contributed greatly to the marriages ending because they just never shared much of themselves, I got tired of doing all the talking and when I stopped talking I realized they didn't have much of anything interesting to say and these men were also highly educated with successful careers. Be cautious very cautious.
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Old 01-02-2010, 03:05 AM
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On one hand, men tend to share less in words than women do, so that doesn't worry me so much. The fact that he's willing to let a year and a half go by without meeting you is far more concerning. I just don't buy his excuses at all.

Listen to your intuition. Stay open to dating other people and tell this guy that you don't think it's working for you. A lot of people (men and women) like to keep others close with promises of togetherness etc in order to assuage their own loneliness and get some of their emotional needs met, but ultimately have no intention of making the r'ship concrete. It's not that that they mean harm, but at the end of the day, this guy is not available for a relationship.
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Old 01-03-2010, 10:03 AM
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There are also several inexpensive web sites you can sign up with that will allow you to do background checks. But I believe you would need his drivers license or social, which he will probably never give you. I would be concerned about not being able to reach him in the mornings. I've seen many of these stories on 20/20 and such and they never end well. It's almost always someone in a relationship with someone else, or someone mentally ill. Either way, not good for you.
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Old 01-03-2010, 10:46 AM
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I think you are getting some really good advice and ideas to ponder. Listen to that inner voice inside of yourself that is questioning this man, the voice that brought you here because “something just doesn’t seem right” because it's not.

There are two very different issues going on here – alcoholism and unemotional availability – don’t mingle them together. And on top of those two issues he suffers from depression, another issue to add to the pile.

Aside from his issues you may want to explore codependency as an issue of your own.
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:06 PM
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There are also several inexpensive web sites you can sign up with that will allow you to do background checks. But I believe you would need his drivers license or social, which he will probably never give you. I would be concerned about not being able to reach him in the mornings. I've seen many of these stories on 20/20 and such and they never end well. It's almost always someone in a relationship with someone else, or someone mentally ill. Either way, not good for you.
If you're crafty, and have time, you can do it for FREE. You just have to know where to look, and having their name is all you really need. BUT I DO NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, condone this kind of activity. Really! I used to think "I need to know" blah blah blah, and check out everyone I met. Thinking only of myself and NOT the invasion I was committing on another person's life. Sure, their criminal records are public, and if you stumbled upon them by accident, that is one thing, but never fool yourself into thinking you are doing the right thing by checking someone out like this. It's an invasion. You may find out things you THINK you need to know, or you may not, but either way, there are things people do not want disclosed. Credit records. Criminal records. Spending records. Internet records. If a person IS really worth it, you will allow them to come clean on their own! TV blows things WAY out of proportion and people, as a group, these days, are ready to jump onto any judgemental/stereotype train.
If you have doubts, voice them. Don't focus on his recovery or anything YOU think HE might be doing wrong. Just voice concerns about how you've not met in person. Tell him it makes YOU fear things are not as they seem and you'd really like to talk it out in person and meet.
Are you both in the same state? I noticed you are in Ohio (me too!), and if he is also in Ohio, he CAN leave his county, while on probation. Just make sure not to time it when he has to go see his PO. He cannot miss seeing his PO! If he does, the PO can (and probably will) issue a warrant for his arrest (like what happened with my friend). And that just piles on all kinds of bad.
The fact that he is honest about his addiction makes me wonder not if he's a married man or living with someone, but fearful and maybe following recommendations from his sponsor (or someone else) that you should not start a relationship early, in recovery. I have no idea how early in recovery he is, but if it's pretty early, then he just might be doing that or fearful about how he might treat someone because he is an addict. In addiction, active and in early recovery, and in many other stages, it is difficult to have a relationship. In fact, I once heard a saying "Addicts don't have relationships. We take hostages.". He could have heard this as well and may think along those lines.
And I could be all wrong. He could be married or with someone. He could, even, be lying about being an addict and using someone else's story to cover up for the wife thing, but I highly doubt it. Most married men will have outright affairs. They will actually SEE, FEEL, TOUCH, and SPEND REAL TIME with their mistresses. Trust me, I've been the wife AND I've been the mistress. A married man will make as few trails as possible to let on that he is married, and to let on that he has another woman. Most men (playing this game) want the physical part, and usually just that. They'll play a mental game with the women to lull them into a false sense of comfort. And they won't wait a year and a half to get the results they are looking for.
I'd say something COULD be up, and most likely is, but it just doesn't seem it would be what everyone is thinking....
And again, I could be wrong, but given my experience, I wouldn't bet on it, but say it's highly likely it's something he's dealing with in an emotional way. Or a part of his battle with addiction.
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:57 PM
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I feel that the last response from crackquack was the most accurate as to what I feel. I would never go purposely looking for information on anyone. I just feel that is wrong. If I was concerned that it was a dangerous situation then yes, but I would definitely not be pursuing that relationship most certainly anyway! I did have a conversation with him tonight about a lot of my concerns and it seems that he thought he had opened up quit a bit about his addiction but it's my lack of understanding as far as what he went through/is going through. I've done a lot of research on alcoholism and recovery lately and some of what I've read seems to be blanket statements for everyone in recovery for anything and I don't really think it's fair to stereotype people like that. We have more to talk about tomorrow and we will. I've never believed that he was in another relationship. I've questioned him on it and he swears that's it's just me. With him being in recovery, he lost his old friends and old habits and says he doesn't go anywhere to meet women. Just work and his meetings and home to talk to me until one of us is ready for bed. I DEFINITELY agree that we need to meet and talk face to face. I have also dated people online and I know that meeting in person can change everything that you thought you felt for each other. A part of me feels happy that him and I have gotten to know each other online/phone during this time because I think it's given us the ability to see beyond the physical aspect of a relationship. A part of me wonders if him being vague is just his personality because he is answering any questions that I have when I ask them directly. He's been in recovery for 11 months next week. He lives in Pa so he would have to leave state. We're 5 hours apart. I'm a pretty detailed person when explaining something and maybe I expect that from him also, hence him seeming vague to me. Someone did make the remark about me seeking treatment for codependency for myself. I'm not sure how the prior statement made me seem that I was codependent. I have a lot of loving, caring attributes that I put towards taking care of my family and concerns about making sure that me and my children are never in a situation that would be harmful in any way. I don't see how that would make anyone codependent. I asked him about his depression and he said some of it came from his addiction and some of it came from lack of being able to work in the field of his degrees right now because he has to remain in the county that he's in which is a small area, he no drivers license of course from the DUI's and he has to commute locally to a less paying job by bus or his sister. He said he feels that he's made a lot of progress in his recovery and he's doing much better than before. He's hoping to be off of his meds w/i a year and back on his feet with a new career. We can meet before too long but someone would have to make an eventual move because it's hard to date 5 hours apart. Of course, that would have to come after several meetings and more getting to know each other. I'm hoping for the best and trying to take some helpful advice. I don't want to be blind or ignorant in any of this. I believe that other people outside of a situation can see what you can't. Thank you all for your advice.
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Old 01-04-2010, 11:33 PM
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Please, don't that this the wrong way........but I hear your trying to convince someone he is a good catch? Is that yourself or the group your trying to convince?

Some very good advice has been shared!!
I hope this works out for your absolute best!
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Old 01-05-2010, 12:23 AM
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Sassy, I think what we're "seeing" is that this is guy is running some kind of scam on you. After all this time it is utterly ridiculous to me that you haven't met. I mean how much effort does it really take to jump on a plane? I have a friend who lives in San Diego (two hours away) who was very sad and upset the other day and needed me. Guess what? He jumped in his car and drove here that afternoon. That's what people do. If they want to see you, they see you. And he's the man. He's supposed to be doing the chasing, right? Sounds like he's making you do all the work and is now even blaming you because you "don't understand" his addictions. Horse puckey.

Don't you want a man to adore you? To not be able to breathe until the next time he sees you? To have you be the first thing he thinks of in the morning and the last thing at night? Don't you want a man to consider your happiness and your feelings always and do everything in his power to make sure you're happy and satisfied? I've met women who get into situations like this before and they are all self-punishers and self-saboteurs. You are chasing after a man who has absolutely no idea how to care for you and protect your heart.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but really? What kind of man acts like this in a new relationship? When things are new you're supposed to be wooed and courted. If he's this indifferent and stand-offish now, what kind of partner do you think he'll make years from now when day to day life creeps in. Again I say run. But that's just me.
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Old 01-05-2010, 12:57 AM
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The key point here, as already mentioned, is that you have no idea what the chemistry is until you meet. Until you meet, and can be sure you are really in real life attracted to each other - all your other concerns are merely academic. Infact this could be the reason he is vague about his life: he himself may realise this and not be willing to reveal all until the real life bond is established.
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Old 01-05-2010, 01:33 AM
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I can see the points some people are making about him possibly being married, but on the other hand, his behavior doesn't really match the typical cheating married person.

Something that I think might be holding him back from a committment is his recovery: AA and other programs advise that people wait a year or so before having a relationship.
If it is true what he is saying about his depression, that could be another factor. My impression is that people who are depressed have less interest in relationships.

I don't think the question here is whether he is married or not, but whether you really want a relationship with this person. He has a lot of problems. If you do decide to make a committment to him, you will be affected by those problems: they will affect you and your life.

The comments that people have made about cyber romances is very true: people often say things about themselves that isn't true. I hope he really is in recovery. This is sadly another factor that may not be true. If you visit the family and friends forum here there are many sad cases of partners saying they don't drink, but they do.
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