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24 hours clean..

Old 12-31-2009, 09:41 AM
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24 hours clean..

from Hydro. I just want to share my story been here for a while, reading but this will only be my 2nd post..

so here it goes..

For me I was in denial, for years. I took whatever I could get my hands onto, from whomever, then I started seeking out Dr's that would Rx them to me. Yes I did have pain, but nothing bad enough to need to be addicted to this junk. I got very Clever and started shopping around for differant dr, differant pharmacies. (BAD BAD IDEA)

I became very addicted and became someone I didnt even know, a liar, a theif, a cheater, a horrible friend, I dragged a lot of people into full addiction with me, wanted to share with them how I was feeling, (ANOTHER BAD BAD IDEA)
I have had such feelings of quilt assosiated with that. I contributed to my friends, and love ones and now they are addicts too. :-( I loved the way in made me "super" mom/wife/worker/friend/ slash anything I wanted I could do better then when being just me. WRONG again. So here I am 4 years latter, so much wasted high time, and who knows how much money wasted. (alot.) I have figured out that I can only be responsible for me.

I talked to my Dr. the one I trusted the most, and got honest, that was super big step and very htough for me to do. He put me on tapper plan after tapper plan, but none of those ever worked, until this one. This one is called COLD TURKEY, and it isnt fun by any means, but it is what I have to do to be clean, I will do it. I have to do it, I have to be free.

So 24 hours into this and I dont feel horrible, (knock on wood) sick to my tummy a bit, RLS, and fatigue, direaha a little little bit, which is super surprizing to me, because being the addict I am I have been without many of times, and the withdrawal was always to much to bare. Always went back for
"just one" ever time, even after being clean for sometimes 3 months, I pray this is the last time, I feel stronger this time then anyother time, My mind set is so differant this time, I want this, for me and my life, my kids. I am not just doing this because my supply has ran dry, I DONT WANT NOT EVEN ONE PILL EVER AGAIN.. I dont want to revolve my life around those pills ever again.

I do have children to take care of durring this, and no help, Its just me. My mom isnt close enough, lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away, and I let go of all my friends, months ago, because I have been mentally kicking the habit for awhile now. ALL the friends I had are all still very much in denial and addiction. They can not help me, nor do I want the type of help they would give me. (more pills) No thank you.

okay I am rambling now.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:48 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

Congratulations on deciding to live a sober life and for taking action to do that. It sounds like you're doing pretty well and I'm glad you feel motivated.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:54 AM
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Thanks Anna,

I am super motivated I hope it continues. I know when I am rolling around in bed, I wont be as motivated, but i just have to live through this, this one last time, and then I wont have to go through it ever again, If I choose. I keep saying its just a flu and you will get better, it is just like the flu, it will get bad, and then be better. (physically anyways)
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Old 12-31-2009, 04:19 PM
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Welcome back silentone
Good to see you again.

D
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Old 12-31-2009, 04:27 PM
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I'm happy for you - it seems you are really ready this time. A whole new world awaits you, & you never have to return to hell.

I'd be careful about blaming yourself for other's addictions, though. You may have coaxed some people, but in the end it was their decision. Guilt is a destructive emotion. Once you acknowledge what you did & vow to never be that person again - don't keep blaming yourself. Trust me, I went down that road & it held me back from recovering.

Glad you are here with us sharing your determination. Please let us know how it's going.
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Old 12-31-2009, 05:23 PM
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Welcome!!

Great time to jump on board. Have a great 2010 with us!
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Old 12-31-2009, 05:47 PM
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Very motivating story! Thanks!
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Old 12-31-2009, 07:30 PM
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thanks everyone,

Dont feel well wont say much but very very very tierd, and at times I almost cant bring my water bottle to my mouth, but I cant sleep.

oh and very emotional, crying alot. I did force myself to walk, put on the ipod, with my favorite songs and walked. It helped a bit. I have taken 3 baths which helped and some aleve.
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Old 12-31-2009, 07:57 PM
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I hope you feel better soon!

And, like you said, you never have to go through this again.

Take care of yourself!
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:19 AM
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Congratulations! We do recover.
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:16 AM
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There is life on the other side of this. Hang in there, stay hydrated, get as much rest (if not sleep) as you can. Try thinking back to a bad flu you might have had -- one that felt like it wouldn't end -- but did. This is the same. There is an end to it, so long as you don't give in and use.

And when you come to the other side of it, if you find yourself obsessing about the pills, we can help you through that, too. For many of us, stopping was the easy part. Staying stopped was the challenge. We can help.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 01-01-2010, 12:47 PM
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Thanks everyone,

Sugah, Yes I am a little scared about not ever taking anything ever again. I already have cravings, I guess thats what this is. My mouth waters at the thought of taking an opiate. It is rough, very rough. I just keep telling myself it will pass, and that I DO NOT want to go through all of this all over again. (Physical Withdrawal part.) Mental will be forever I guess... sigh..

small quick update, 48 hours done! Have wanted to end the misery with just one, but have not. I have a horrible headache, the tummy problems are at bay today though, not going to the bathroom every 5 minutes, but the dizzy, spinning, think I am going to throw up, is here more then yesterday. My legs, HURT, a lot. Everytime I feel like giving up I force myself on the treadmill with my ipod of songs, I have never forced myself to exercise when in WD before, and I really believe it is helping. Did not sleep last night at all layed down, at 10:30, up at 11, down, up, down, up, over and over again. Finally about 5 am am I feel to sleep and stayed to sleep until 8:45 am, kids where up and wanting their mom's company.

***Possitive: I laugh with my kids, and I really feel them, and their innocence, I feel bad that for most of my baby's (who isnt really a baby anymore, he is almost 5, but will always be my baby) life, I have been numbing myself from reality. I was numbing the bad, painful parts, but in doing that, I also numbed out, the truley good parts too.
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by silentone View Post
Mental will be forever I guess... sigh..
No, not necessarily. I didn't have the mental obsession today, yesterday or any day for a very long time. It took some serious willingness to change the me that used drugs. Have you ever been to an NA meeting?

(and how old are your other kids?)

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:25 PM
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I'm with Sugah - it's been a long time since I salivated at the thought of my drug of choice

People can and do change - it takes a lot of work and maintenance but we can 'reboot' ourselves

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Old 01-01-2010, 03:18 PM
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Silentone...

Congrats on 2 days.

I'm with Sugah and Dee...the mental and physical obsession has been lifted.

I have awakened oaccasionally from a "drinking/using dream" reaaally craving

for a moment...but the feeling dissipates with the dream.

I am grateful for those dreams, and for your post.

They remind me of where I was...just where you are now.

We can, and do recover!

Don't give up
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Old 01-01-2010, 03:48 PM
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Silentzone,
Honey, I can completely identify with what you're going through. Even people in recovery experience chronic pain and have to go on medically supervised pain management to which doctors at times may fail us, and such happened to me in my 17th year of sobriety so to save my clean time, I just went cold turkey off some very negative pain medication and felt I was about to lose my mind. It was a very rough three weeks but I got through it by taking on a task like painting my picket fence and then cleaning out the garage and painting that, too.

Every brush stroke had the word GOD in it... God help me, God I'm hurting, God please... But the physical activity of taking care of a major project that gave me immediate results helped me see I was cleaning up my side of the street while distracting me from the painful experiences of pain coupled by chronic pain being noticeably greater than what it was before going into pain management therapy.

To help detox with less stress, I went into acupuncture which included cupping and light massage plus some Chinese herbal medicines for healing liver. Like you, I took about three baths a day, went to bed with a heating pad, stuck a mess of those ice heat sheets on my Fibromylagia tender points and the bad spot that was damaged during an epidural, drank lots of green tea, took Ester-C and some amino acids for brain boosting, then treated myself to a manicure at a spa. Very hard to fit in when you have a little one.

My boy was then six years old at the time and we were very worried about me dying because during an office visit with the pain management doctor, I brought my kid in with me so he could see how doctor's work, thinking it would be educational, but this doctor told me then that I had two months to live-- that was a load of crock... he just wanted me to become a permanent patient dependent on his medication and injections, so I questioned his ethics and that offended him, but it was necessary for me to ask and I'm glad I did because it proved my higher power is greater than any doctor's judgment-- that was ten months ago, and I've since seen several other doctors who've told me I'm not dying, I'm just very challenged by chronic wide spread pain so am now doing what I can to overturn the Fibromylagia holistically through gentle exercise, meditation, diet changes, and have now found a good rheumatologist who's prescribed a non-narcotic which is proving to be effective and safe for me as I'm only needing to take half the prescribed dose on an as needed basis.

There is an excellent forum on the Soberrecovery board here called Pain Management and there's plenty of old timers in recovery who are also afflicted with pain-- it happens as we age and there does come a time when sober members of AA or NA need to take pain medication for relief from pain so life becomes manageable (the ability to get out of bed and walk, go to work)... We're not to suffer but as addicts and alcoholics, it is a risk to go about taking pain medication alone so by checking in with one another as an extended homegroup of the sort, we find the support to remain mindful and soberly conscious about the times when we need to take pain medication.

I don't know what your story is about why you ever were scripted pain medication, like if it was for a temporary health issue that caused you to become addicted to pain meds and so you went getting them any way you could, or if you might actually have disabling pain so were treating that pain but became addicted and were going about getting meds any way you could because you were doing this all on your own and didn't know at the time you qualified as an addict. But whatever the case, you needn't feel alone in your struggle anymore.

I am an alcoholic who's not had a drink in 18 years thanks to AA, but in my last three years of recovery, I've had several major surgeries and a dozen minor ones so these invasive procedures on my body caused Fibromyalgia flare ups and I've subsequently had to go into pain management to which I found that was a bad road, so did whatever I could to break away from the dependency on opioids as it was becoming a risk for me, so to get the right support, I've moved into Narcotics Anonymous and can now share and listen to others about keeping clean and sober. Maybe NA will be the right program for you to check out. As your a mother who is new to recovery, you might want to call the local chapter for Narcotics Anonymous and ask if there are any women's meetings or meetings held in a women's sober living home. I'll take a look at your profile to see if you've mentioned a city or town, and will see if I can find some meetings or the local chapter for your area. Getting connected with other addicted women in recovery who are also mothers may be helpful to you as it's been for me-- at least that's my hope, that you won't have to feel all on your own through this intense time.

Hang in there, you've put together 2 whole days... depending on what medication you were taking, if it was Methadone, the withdrawal period can be a painful month, but if it was Tylenol 4 or Oxys, it's about a bad ten days. Just keep at what you're doing, go for walks when you get shaky and achey-- the walks will be hard at first but will help build up your adrenaline and endorphins to combat stomach cramps. Find a hot water bottle or heating pad, stock up on icy heat patches for back and tummy, get a pallet of electrolyte sports drinks, stay hydrated, drink green tea, and while you may feel your appetite has diminished, those Progresso soups can hit the spot.

You'll be spending more time with your kid and your baby will be loving you back into health. Thank goodness you've got loving arms to hold on to during this rough period... Something else you may want to consider doing is to take your five year old to museums or nice parks with rose gardens or lakes. I did plenty of that while getting off the horrible methadone and now these outings are something we enjoy doing all the time.

You'll be okay. You have friends here.

Weeza xx
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:21 PM
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Sugah and Dee, I am glad that these strong craving will eventually sub-side.

Sugah, I have 3 children, 5, 10, and 16. My 16 year old has helped me so much as well as my 10 year old. I have been honest with my eldest, but left the others out of it. I have to say that she asked what is that medicine you take everyday and why? I just looked at her and said it is pain mediciation and I shouldn't be taking it everyday, and she agreed, she said that I had not been the same for awhile, and she didnt like it. After stewing on that for awhile, I decided that she was right and I did a turn around, a real turn around! My kids deserve their mom.

Weeza, Yes I do have chronic pain, but it is tricky for me, I don"t know how to take the pain medicine with out abusing it. The tolerance level becomes much higher and I take more and more to substain the pain. It is very fusterating, and I will look into the pain managment threads. Thank you for the PM, you are such a sweet women, and mother.

update: I am still so tierd.. My tummy does feel better though, and my legs, well they still ache, but hot baths seem to help, as well as that hot/cold cream, thanks for that idea Weeza, sent my daughter to buy me some. it is 8:20 pm, I just hope and pray for some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be another day and I will be 72 hours, Clean!

** This I am not to sure about though, my nose has been so runny, and which in return, makes my throat hurt, (post nasal) and now my lungs burn/hurt too, and I am coughing and just over all dont feel good. Just part of WD or is it a cold, on top of withdrawal ? Yucky!
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:48 PM
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IQ Storm, Thank you and I am greatful for all of you that have BTDT, and can help guide me on this journey of living my life clean.

Thanks to everyone for your insightful replies. This is the best place to be when going through all this. I really dont think I would have or could have done this, alone again.

Oh and 1st NA meeting next Tuesday. 7 PM
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:38 AM
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I feel like I keep whinning, today my neck is killing me, some I took so motrin, I am going to try and eat a bit. This is a LONG HARD process. Oh and yep intense, did I say INTENSE opiate cravings. Good thing I have dont have any, lost contact with all my "old" friednds, or I might not be so strong. I know one pill would get this neck ache under control. sigh.. I will not use again though, no way no how. No No No..

My nose lung thing though, a bit better so I think this is just all part of this nasty wd, and detoxing.

I keep saying one more day one more day one more day every morning when I wake, if I can make it clean and through today, I pray and thank my HP, and move on to the next day.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:27 AM
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hang in there...it's worth it.
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