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I dont know where else to turn...

Old 12-30-2009, 09:44 PM
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I dont know where else to turn...

Okay, here goes... Im a Newby to Recovery, im just the one one the other side. My boyfriend has now been sober for 13 months. We had many rough times, until HE was ready to make a change. At first, he was wonderful, spiritual, and positive. He was going to meetings regularly (he did a 90/90 after rehab). Well after that was up, he started going less and less. Now he may only go once a week. I have seen many changes in him over the last 2 months. He is very negative and angry. He always seems like he is annoyed with me, snaps at me, very defensive, etc. I cant even begin to talk to him about what is going on because he just snaps at me. He seems very unhappy and he just wont admit it. I guess Im looking for someone to tell me what is going on with him? Why is he so angry? And what can I do to get him to open up to me? I also have concern about his recovery, and often wonder "is he in RECOVERY or just ABSTAINING?". He has not gone through his 12 steps nor has he ever had a sponsor. Shouldn't he at least have a sponsor? I know he still struggles with the urge to have a drink and he doesnt discuss it with anyone.
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Old 12-30-2009, 09:57 PM
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Well I don't know Breakin. It's hard to say what he really needs to do. As you probably know it's kind of a self-diagnosis kind of thing. Even if the answer is yes, noone can make him do anything.

If you really care for him and/or plan to stay together for any extened period of time, probably the best thing you can do is to keep educating yourself about recovery. You know about Al-Anon right? (Friends/familes of Alcoholics). I don't know the particular issue, if it's drug abuse or whatever I've heard of Narc-Anon.

At any rate, keep learning. The bottom line is really the more you can help you, the more you can help him.
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Old 12-30-2009, 10:11 PM
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Hi there, and welcome! There is a lot of awesome support here, especially for partners/wives of alcoholics and addicts - whether in recovery or still using ... check out the "Family and Friends" section of these forums. (Especially the "Read this first" thread at the top) I have just started reading in there and found I relate so much to everything that is discussed. I'm now thinking about going along to some al-anon meetings ...

My partner is in early recovery too and it is sooooo hard to resist interfering and giving him advice about what he should/shouldn't be doing, "go to meetings" "work the steps" etc etc (I'm in recovery for alcoholism myself so I know how important these things are!) and so hard not to get upset and feel I haven't done or said the right thing if he's struggling.

I have to remind myself all the time that it's his journey and there's nothing I can say or do that can change things for him. HE has to seek change himself. HE has to find understanding for HIMSELF. I can only be as supportive and understanding as I can. But his sobriety and recovery are not my responsibility ... I'm powerless over alcohol both in my life, as well as his.

But in saying that, I need to look after ME. Make sure I am safe and being treated well. I have the right not to be treated badly by him and I can stand up for my needs and boundaries etc. Whether he is in recovery or not, I still deserve to be treated well, and if the situation is not ok for me then I need to make some changes for myself. I am the only one I can change!

Keep posting! May see you over on the friends and family boards :-)

~honey~
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Old 12-30-2009, 10:25 PM
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Welcome to SR

This is a link to the forum Honey was talking about:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Stay around some, there's lots of support here.

TB
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Old 12-30-2009, 10:36 PM
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Hi BreakinPoint

I agree with everyone else here - it's most important of all that you look after *you*.
I hope you'll look in the forum TB linked to, and maybe even look into alanon/naranon

Whatever you decide, you'll find a lot of support here.
Welcome
D
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Old 12-31-2009, 05:19 AM
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Sounds like you have been given some good advice already. I agree with what has been said already. I wish you all the best.
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Old 12-31-2009, 08:12 AM
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Thank You all for your responses. they are greatly appreciated. It is nice to get some kind of relief hearing that there is support. Thank you!!!
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