Ninsuna

IMHO, no they don't. I get exhausted too, with "doing the next right thing" with all the self examination, self disclipline self self self. I have two answers to this,
1) I help someone else. If I am sick of working on myself, sick of thinking about what I'm doing and thinking every moment that means I need to throw myself into helping others.
2) People who lack self awareness, who have never had to face personal demons or work on themselves seem dull and shallow to me, personally. It's worth it, to be a fuller, more developed human being.

"Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them."~Cake

I really feel for you, honey, it would hurt me too to be home alone my first nye sober. I'm really lucky that I have a good friend I've made in AA who is a blast to hang out with. We're five months apart in age and a month apart in sober time, going through the same stuff. The plan is to party at our local Alano club, and yes, the place can be a little sad and dumpy but it will be fun because we'll make it fun and neither of us will be puking, waking up with strange guys, etc. Neither of us will get abandoned there by a so-called friend who is really just a drinking buddy who doesn't give a crap about us.
My AA buddy is also going with me to a very good old friend's cd release party. My musician friend (and his wife, who I love and has put up with spending soo many nights alone because of gigs and rehearsals) has worked for this so long and I want to support him but I would be anxious going without a sober companion. The big book does offer us the promise of being free to go anywhere without fear (if you work those steps everyone keeps talking about).
Somethng about your post, Neo, just get my mind whirring with things I want to say, lol, but I don't wanna cram too much in and sound like a know it all.

A couple of other things, then I swear I'm done! Have you researched musicians who have been through recovery and put out new material after? One I like is Steve Earle, and listening to his post sobriety stuff has been a revelatory experience for me (I admit I do love his drinking/shooting h stuff too.)
Do you write? Now is a good time to do it if you're not already.
I like to be with people my own age, too, but I have found that the folks in the rooms of AA have something much more powerful in common with me than people who have the same amount of time on the planet. They get me, when I let them. When I open up and show them who I really am. I could be a in a club full of people having a great time and feel so, so alone when I was drinking. I just don't feel that way anymore. Hope this helps, Neo
Keep us updated.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for all of your posts, much appreciated.

I feel that I have most definately "matured" emotionally massively in this last 6 months, consequently why I am still sober. I was feeling fantastic about sobriety and I was most definately experincing the compulsion/obsession to drink being lifted on a daily basis. Re-read some of my previous posts from the last few weeks and they will show that, I'm sure. I was in a really good place and at meetings I was being singled out by many oldtimers with 20+ years as doing very well and being used as an example in shares about young people in AA etc. I also was asked and did my first main share a few weeks ago and was feeling great. Maybe that self jeopardising demon in me knew this and has been trying to jeopardise all of the good progress I have made? Who knows...

Maybe where I differ from others is that I talk openly and honestly on SR when things aren't going so good also so it's easy to forget my times where I was doing really well.

Whilst I haven't taken the steps 'officially' with a sponsor I had gone through them and was trying my best to apply them to my life and all was working out just fine. I guess it still is, in that I am still sober and ultimately that has got to be number 1 priority. Like I say I use SR as a sort of therapy to let my feelings out, Some maybe uncomfortable doing this but whils't I would love to go all quiet on SR when I ain't feeling peace and serenity in my mind that would be a disservice to SR and would be setting myself up for a relapse (which ain't gonna happen).

Maybe now is the time to go through the steps with a sponsor but I don't really want to pick any old person and also there isn't really anyone I know at my local meetings who doesn't sometimes make me feel less secure in my sobriety (which is why I've held off getting an 'official' sponsor) I will be looking to get one from now on.

I still feel that regardless of a sponsor and steps that my feelings and questions are/will be legitimate and that what I am experiencing is the natural barriers that one faces when confronting sobriety at my age. Hence why very few people see it through for very long.

BUT I am going to see it through One Day at a time and I will be all the stronger for this when I come through it. It ain't as if anythings happened anyway, like I say I'm just writing on SR whats going on in my head. The concept of a higher-power was something that was alien to me and that I came to terms with and I was using the serenity prayer in all of my affairs. I still struggle with certain steps but I ain't gonna dwell about that on SR as I am entitled to me own opinions and I aint gonna argue about it.

I think for me I have a self-destructive/jeopardising peersonality and I notoriously get more 'low' in mood around this time of year. Only this year I can't get wasted to deal with it so you have to put up with me on SR! LOL.

Peace xxx

FBL

Hang in there, Neo! Your honesty is refreshing and it's really helping this "old dog" adjust to a life of sobriety. Happy B-day! Mine is January 2nd, so I know all about the double whammy of New Year's Eve and celebrating a birthday. In fact, this whole week between Christmas Eve and January 2nd was ALWAYS my "drunkest" week of the year.

NEOMARXIST

Happy New Year To All!!




NEOMARXIST

thirtybubba

Ok LOL.

Don't mind a bit tbh.


Alright, shifting into tangential gear for a moment... I think that "rebellious" (I call it "reckless") part is something that should be addressed, even if *that's* where you do the "moderation" thing.

As long as you feel "deprived," you might not be happy in sobriety. I know that's something I deal with... still haven't found any solution, but yeah, I love just opening up the throttle on the highway... and I'm not even allowed to drive. So I have to do all sorts of things to keep myself occupied to I won't hop into my car. 'Cause I can feel all kinds of happy while sober (and I do!) but every now and then, my mind gets to thinking, I get to grinning and away I go. And it's related to drinking, but not really.

Dunno if any of that makes sense, I don't understand it enough in myself to be able to put it back into third person, sorry.

Take care of yourself, and Happy New Year back.
TB

littlefish

Well, I didn't get a sponsor until I'd been going to meetings for 9 months. I didn't start working the steps until then either. I would definitely encourage getting a sponsor because there is so much material I just didn't fathom until I had a sponsor explain things to me.
My sponsor is also conducting a BB workshop once a month and that too has been an eye-opener. We are taking it sentence by sentence. I am seeing sentences and paragraphs that I completely skipped over in my various readings of the BB.

Another thing you might think about is that a lot of other things go on in AA besides meetings. Tonight, NYeve is a fundraising party for YPAA in my area. There are various conventions and conferences held frequently, as well as guest speakers. Have you ever heard a notable speaker at an AA conference? A good speaker is really an unforgettable experience. Last but not least, I use the resource of XA speakers on the net.