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Old 12-29-2009, 02:22 PM
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Hi all,

This forum looks great, glad I found it. I'm two weeks with no booze, been drinking since I was 14. Yikes, that's hard to say, I'm 44 now. That's a lot of years of drinking, and I can't help wondering if I've ever really known who I am, since that evil stuff has been a part of my life since basically childhood. I was a 'social drinker' for years, never one to drink daily or in the morning, but the past coupld of years I broke my rule of 'never have it in the house'. My parents were both terrible alcoholics, (albeit functioning professionals), and I swore I'd never get to that point, never be like them, never drink at home. My husband and I both got into a habit of buying booze a few times a week and drinking while watching movies, or just making dinner then hanging out. I noticed that the consumption was increasing, I was falling into a pattern, self loathinng in the morning, the whole shebang. The last time I drank, I realized with horror in the morning that I'd consumed nearly an entire bottle of rum the night before. I remember being a kid and looking at a nearly empty whiskey bottle my father had consumed in a night, and thinking...damn! How can ANYONE drink that much? Well, it happened to me. My husband and I had a long talk and both agreed to quit, for good. I want to find out who I am without having to rely on a substance.

I'm finding the physical cravings less bothersome than the psychological ones, but I suppose it's all connected. The little voice inside keeps trying to tell me I'll not be living, never experience fun or pleasure without booze, won't be able to function in society or have a full life. Listening to this voice, I drag it out into the light and examine it, rather than trying to ignore it. And I realize now, if I really do NEED a substance to feel fun, fulfilled, social and happy, then I don't have control over that substance. That substance has control over ME. And I don't want anything controlling me but me.

I'm hoping to be able to keep this mindset, stay on the right road, and stop and drag that voice out of the closet and into the light every time it starts yapping in my ear, because I think by letting it speak from teh shadows without acknowledging it, it gets more power.

So nice to meet you all, good luck all around and Happy New year.

Dari
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:24 PM
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Sounds like you're definitely on the right track Dari
Welcome to SR!

D
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:27 PM
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Smile

Thanks!
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:31 PM
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Hi Dari and welcome to the family of SR .. its a great place to be and so full of people just liek you and know what its like . I myself am a Alki . never got into the benzo's but were still on the same team as far as understanding what it is like .

I can tell you this .... I have sooooo much fun being sober . its like being that kid again that drive and excitement that we didnt get to experience as a kid .. you concidering a program such as AA/NA ? or any other of your own choosing ? They are a great place to be when your feeling that desire . Not only that being around faces of those get it , and understand .

I will mention we have a chat room on SR . get bored and ansty stop in and say hi , we dont bite .. lookin forward to reading your posts , Im sure many will be along to say hello and welcome you to the SR family ~ huggles Endzy ~
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:37 PM
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Thanks endzoner, good to know. I know what you mean about the fun, I've already experienced a few bursts of unusual energy, and it feels like things smell better and have more clarity for the first time. So I'm hoping once this head game being played by the beast in my body chemistry weakends and dies off, I'll actually be having MORE fun in my life.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:37 PM
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Welcome to SR Dari!!

I've found that I've become much more active since I quit drinking and it is all so much better being sober. Still have my days that I want a drink, but I wouldn't go back to the way I was for anything.

Congrats on your 2 weeks!!
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:38 PM
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Hi Dari,

Welcome!

I was in a similar situation, growing up with two functioning alcoholic parents. My mother was the worst, and I remember focusing on 'not being like my mother'. Ironically, I ended up just like my mother. The lesson for me there, was to focus on who I wanted to be, rather than who I didn't want to be. So, when I stopped drinking I was absolutely lost and had to begin to figure out who I was.

My favorite book about addiction is "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir of a young, high-functioning alcoholic, her love affair with alcohol, and mourning the loss when she begins to recover.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:40 PM
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I can relate Dari, I started at 14 and quit at 41. Much of your story is similar to mine, my parents were pros and I learned to become their drinking buddy.

It sounds like you're in the right place, hope you stick around.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:42 PM
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Thanks guys! 4ever, I'm pretty active anyway, but I live in New England so my biking/summer time activies have waned a bit. I'm thinking of joining a gym, it will eat up some spare time and give me some good endorphins and activity. The treadmill is not doing much to quell my boredome. LOL
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Dari View Post
The little voice inside keeps trying to tell me I'll not be living, never experience fun or pleasure without booze, won't be able to function in society or have a full life. Listening to this voice, I drag it out into the light and examine it, rather than trying to ignore it. And I realize now, if I really do NEED a substance to feel fun, fulfilled, social and happy, then I don't have control over that substance. That substance has control over ME. And I don't want anything controlling me but me.
You got a good head on your shoulders. That voice can sound VERY convincing at the wrong times. Bit by bit that voice gets quieter... and the truth of the matter is that alcohol robs you of full life and ruins social times.

Welcome!
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:48 PM
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You could take a freezing cold swim in Boston Harbor like the B Street Brownies do every year , or maybe this list of activities will give you some ideas http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:48 PM
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Thanks C4, as long as I know the voice will lose its power eventually, I can hang in there. I know life will improve, LOGICALLY I know this. But as you all well know, the psychological tricks try to convince you otherwise. I appreciate all this feedback, it's really helpful.
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:50 PM
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Thanks Astro!
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Old 12-29-2009, 03:26 PM
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Welcome to SR, Dari!
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Old 12-29-2009, 03:33 PM
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Welcome, I also feel like you. How am I supposed to watch a movie, enjoy time with my hubby etc without the enjoyment of a glass of wine? But it can be done and I am working towards it. I watched tv last night with a cuppa tea and a piece of chocolate!!
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Old 12-29-2009, 04:02 PM
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Welcome Dari!
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Old 12-29-2009, 06:59 PM
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Welcome to SR, Dari and fellow New Englander ~

Our stories are very similar too. Congrats on 2 weeks! I stopped drinking after many failed attempts to make the God-awful pain go away (more emotional than physical). Here it is, more than a year later and I'm living sober and loving it!

I learn something new every day and always remain "teachable" about this way of life and I wouldn't trade it for anything now that I've got it - it's remaining humble and being grateful that keeps me in check. I wish the same for you on your journey...it's definitely worth it.

The book that Anna mentioned by Caroline Knapp is really good - Caroline was from Boston. She unfortunately passed away much too young from lung disease (?) I read a while ago.

Another laugh your a$$ off book is "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. Just finished it and never laughed so hard.

Fire the committee in your head. It's very common for the 'gerbil in the cage' to run around in our heads long after the physical cravings go away (hell, sometimes I feel like I've got the Daytona 500 going on up there). I don't mean to sound crude, but alcohol wants us dead and it'll prey on vulnerabilities and weak moments to bring us where it wants us.

What worked for me was to read, read, read...mostly memoirs about people's real life struggles with drinking, etc. I could identify and relate to them. Meetings (aa) helped me although I like to think that everyone has their own recovery program that works for them which they find and develop as they go along (I'm still doing that)...I also recently found SR and it's been such a great addition to my recovery - the people here are amazing.

Again, welcome! And all the best to you. Look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Bee
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:01 PM
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Welcome to SR

Another laugh your a$$ off book is "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. Just finished it and never laughed so hard.
I just finished this one today also. Read it in 2 days.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:54 PM
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The little voice inside keeps trying to tell me I'll not be living, never experience fun or pleasure without booze, won't be able to function in society or have a full life.
I completely relate to this. Congrats on 2 weeks! I really thought I'd never have any fun again but the truth was that the last few years of drinking was really no fun for me at all. I was really just a shell, unable to relate to other people and barely holding down my job.

AA has really helped me on a lot of levels. I found that after I stopped drinking, I had to learn how to manage living and deal with all the problems that I drowned out with alcohol.

Life is very good now. It's great that your husband wants to quit too - so nice to both be on the same page.
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Old 12-30-2009, 09:04 AM
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Thanks all! I just ordered that Augusten Burroughs book. : )
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