TOPIC: Dieing/Living 2 Belong. Where Do We Belong?
 

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and u I am truely grateful.

As a child I was made to be different
from others. Physical/verbal abuse
by the hand of a sick parent grounded
me with fear and insecurities.

I was always trying to fit in. Be like
the other kids, but wasnt allowed to.

As i got older i drank to feel some
sort of normalcy. To fit in. To belong.
However the drink was killing me and I
was dieing a slow death inside.

Yrs later i got sober and began working
a recovery program still trying to fit
in the normacry of my family. However
they didnt understand me in recovery
as I didnt understand them not under-
standing me.

I was dieing to belong to a normal
family or life and today im living to
still belong to a normal family....

If that makes sense.

Even tho im sober, I still feel like an
outsider to my normal family.

Were do i belong. Where do I fit in
in a normal world?

The only place i feel normal is in my
recovery world where people of all
races, ages, backgrounds understand
me.

Where do u belong?

Well not too disimilar family thing for me either, i certinaly have never felt a part of it which is ok now and i have begun to accept that with the help of the program.

Now i would say i belong here in society with every other person that is on this planet, im not different to anyone really...sure im an alcoholic and havent matured emotionally since about 14 (well maybe 9?!) but i can work on that.

I was walking round barcelona today and i certainly dont feel different anymore nor do i feel alone, if i am lost i ask someone for directions, if i want to know where something is at a new gym i ask, when i went to the gym yesterday i didnt feel like everyone was staring at me...i just belonged there cos i went for a workout.

This does not take away the fact that i sometimes feel nervous about things and unsure at the same time (well not always immediately but i do them) but i go and do those things anyway now whereas before i would not have done any of them...a way to go in some areas but am working on them daily so all good.

Before i felt like i didn't belong anywhere at all, hence the isolating...at the end i didn't even belong at the worse of the worse bars...ah the good old days lol

Thanks yeahgr8. Much appreciated
for sharing ur ESH with me.

Most of the time i do feel a part of
the world. People I work with, customers....

I think im having emmediate family
issues.

I was not close to my siblings,
parents, relatives. Before during
and after drinking.

Most of my life I could not have my
own emmediate family, dad, brothers,
sister before during and after drinking
and thus found it hard to be a part of
my own little family....ex husband, kids.

There's estrangement there because
they dont understand the abuse as
a child that affected me emotionally
nor the disease of alcoholism that
affected my life.

I guess that is why im feeling a sense
of not belonging to something that
is to be truely important in a persons
life. Family.

AA family YES.
My own emmediate family NO.

I think getting sober let me see my family as it is.... not always healthy for me.

Learning this and moving forward has been huge to my sobriety.

I am not sure anyone has a normal family, do they exist?

I can hear what you are saying about wanting to belong to one and that stems from the childhood experiences you had but IMO wanting a normal family is very hard to find.

I have the most wonderful mum, and I dont think I am biased in saying that because others tell me that often - she makes time to spend with me and my family and friends and so they know her well too.

Everyone else in the family is a little off centre. My god father on our Christmas didnt acknowledge my partner at all - in our own home.

To me, family is what you make it - family are the people who treat you right, related or not. I have close friends who I call my family, and they are, we treat each other very well and do not disrespect each other - thats real family.

For me the several long term relationships i have had over the years (no kids) and the numerous other brief encounters (months not years) were always with women that seemed to come along. Always had to be presentable and everything fits into its slot, e.g. looks, allowing me to run the show, always there for me etc. women that would allow me to be selfish and not question me basically, whilst being acceptable to me!

So getting sober what do i see now? Well i see a guy who is **** scared of being intimate and letting anybody in, imagine falling in love with a woman who i actually liked, as in loved, i guess, for who she is...whats inside i mean...wow i could get hurt bigtime if she wanted to but at the same time if i don't get over that emotional hurdle then im going to be alone for the rest of my life as there is no way im hooking up with the first female that comes along now (obviously profile her first...old behaviour...not going to happen that way anymore)!

All through the years i have considered myself to be a loner, and to be a cool one at that...y'know he doesn't give a damn about women, he can take it or leave it...how cool is he, yeah right!

Truth is i've always been scared of taking off the armour and opening up my heart, i've been kidding myself for a looooong time. Ironic that i now realise what i have always wanted the most is to fall in love and spend my life with that person, and i mean to love them, which incidentally i have no idea what that is...making love, whats that? Thats what women call having sex?! Well i don't think it is actually it reckon its a state of mind, if you truly love someone then you are making love, right?

So i reckon i've got some of the theory, got the program and now need to keep working on myself one day at a time, follow my sponsors advice of no relationships in first 2 years and trust God to make this happen when it happens...reckon that gives me half a chance, right;-)

Emotional abuse comes in many forms when you are young, sure i had a crazy Grandmother who used to call me evil and wicked but worse than that was growing up in a household where that was totally not tactile and feelings just weren't expressed ever...the loneliness was horrrible! So you adapt and hide your feelings, try and turn yourself into someone you are not meant to be.

Don't get me wrong i have made my amends, i just see things for what they are now and that very much includes myself...but i do feel for you and i do understand what you mean.

Only told one other person that stuff, it'll be our secret hehe;-)

Reaching deep down to pull out all that stuff
locked up inside is difficult at times.....
However the more times u pull it out and
share ud be surprised at how many others
have gone thru the same stuff. It makes
me feel like i BELONG to something so
awesome.... a FELLOWSHIP and Recovery
Family.

Will share this in a meeting when the opportunity arises:-)

Forgot to add the belonging bit all ties into the below. An example, my last gf had 2 kids...things got rough of course as they always did, for me it was the fear of losing the 'family' thing, contact with the 2 kids (mind you they were older kids), the not going round her entire family's house for xmas etc that was the killer, this remained long after i had any further interest in her at all. Looking back it has always been about that, even with some friends...always wanting to be accepted and to get on with the family to have that sense of belonging. The people didn't really matter it was what came with them, this is why it is so important to deal with the stuff below because, for me, from that comes that absolute need for the belonging when really i should have been looking for the belonging (well actually i shouldnt be looking for it in the future with some serious work and His help) from them...

ok won't hijack thread anymore, just in case anyone is thinking what the hell does that have to do with belonging:-)