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Struggling

Old 12-26-2009, 05:32 PM
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Struggling

I'm still struggling with not drinking. I am back to drinking entirely to much again. I won't even stop for a day right now. It is just after 4 here and I'm trying not to drink. I blackout now after just a few drinks but I guess that doesn't stop me and I continue to drink more during the blackouts. The police here just keep bringing me home. I guess I've told them to take me to jail but they won't. They bring me home and pour me on my couch, i'm told, and then do it again the next time. I was just taken to the hospital the other night cause I was making no sense except to say I didn't want to live anymore. They kept me and let me go the next day cause I had them call the drug/alcohol counselor i'm working with and they felt I would be ok.

I want to quit yet at the same time I'm wondering if i really do. I mean I do but then why don't i just quit? Like right now...I'm shaking, irritable, pissed off, sick to my stomach and just want to drink and trying so hard not too. I spent last night, Christmas night, in the ER cause I got a kidney infection. They ask me if I drink and I was honest and they said that's probably why I was so sick, abuse of alcohol. My arms look like pin cushions cause they had a hard time finding a vein they could get an IV in. They said it's cause of my drinking. Do I have to die? Is that what I'm waiting for? It seems I am or I'd just quit.

I know I probably sound like a whiner and in a sense I guess I am. Sometimes I just want to go to jail so I'm forced to go thru detox and get sober and have no access to booze.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:02 PM
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still me,

you are not a whiner, you are seriously ill.
i think you should consider whatever detox you can get into and go.
if you drink to blackout nearly every day, you body is dependent on the alcohol, and you need a doctors help to detox.
please call a doctor, the salvation army or someone in AA might have a route for you to take.
when you want to quit and you cant, you are very ill. i was there, and it was damn hard to ask for help, but once i did, the floodgates opened.
be good to yourself, you deserve a life.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:19 PM
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I feel for you, still me. I tried for years to stop drinking and I just couldn't. Willpower won't help you - if it could, you would already have stopped drinking.

We are alcoholics and alcoholism is a chronic disease, just like diabetes or a heart condition. People like us can't stop drinking on our own. We need help and support, whether that's in AA or a rehab. It's really important to reach out for help and I really encourage you to do so. The part of you that tells you not to, or that you don't need to is the voice of the disease of alcoholism. The disease wants you to drink until you die.

Someone on this forum suggested I try an AA meeting and it was the best thing I've ever done. If you call the number for AA in your area, the person you talk to can tell you when and where the next meeting is. If you're shy, I suggest going up to the person who chairs the meeting and introducing yourself - let them know you are new and struggling to stop.

If you don't feel up to that, there are drug and alcohol help lines you could call for information about going into a rehab/detox.

At the very least, keep posting here with us. Many of us have been just where you are right now.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:22 PM
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I agree, you are not a whiner.

But, you definitely need help, and you need to take action to help yourself.

Talk to your dr or alcohol counsellor and tell them exactly how you feel and follow their advice. If you are concerned about your health, please go to an ER.

You can save yourself, so please take some action to stop drinking.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:31 PM
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Hi Still me.

I just want you to know,
you aren't alone.

Not a person on this site
was able to quit 'on their own'.

Learning that you can't quit on your own
is not a failure.
It's just knowledge.

Now you have an opportunity

I'm a grateful and loyal member
of an organization
devoted only to
the battle with alcoholism
and do not charge a cent.

I urge you to contact your doctor
and get started
with what could be the rest of your life.

And if you have to wait for a treatment center
I know a place
where the companionship is free
the price is right
and there never was
nor will there ever be
a waiting list.

It's right in the front of your phone book.

There is no reason
to suffer alone.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:39 PM
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my experience.....and i can remember feeling like you do.

it wasnt till i got away from booze and implemented a program of recovery could i look back and realize the warped twisted thinking involved with my active alcoholism.

life will be glum..........nobody stops drinking altogether........i could stop if i really wanted too........this time tommorow ill be booze free....ill summon all my willpower......ill drink at weekends.......4 times a month and that is definatley my limit..........on and on and on.

that program was the 12 steps........and within a short time i could see the truth about my drinking...
i would never find the willpower to stop for any length of time........it had me licked........like a bull being led by the nose......

you said your not sure whether you wanna stop but the docs says your infection is probably alcohol induced..

does that sound insane to you....?
if i went out dodging traffic....got run down and did it again would you call me insane...? is that such a different situation to yours or mine?.....not really.

if you wanna stop and find that you cant......there are programs out there just for people like you and me....if indeed you are an alcoholic.

i needed to get away from the booze to see the truth....from the twisted perception....
if your alcoholic i can recommend the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
it does and did work for me.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by still_me View Post
I want to quit yet at the same time I'm wondering if i really do.
Until you figure that out, you really are caught in hell, imho.

My very best to you.
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Old 12-27-2009, 02:35 PM
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Thank you all for your suggestions, advice and support. i DO want to quit i guess i just start feeling like such crap I take a couple shots to feel better and next thing I know,....well I don't know what i've done for hours. I honestly feel I need help to stop, be locked somewhere where I can't drink for a couple weeks and then I feel I'll have a chance. Maybe that is the chicken **** way out, I don't know, I just know I'm at the end of my rope and need to do whatever has to be done to quit drinking. I will die from this whether from the booze or my own hands. I guess their both the same though aren't they?
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:18 PM
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Still me,
It's a tough place to be - don't want to drink but can't be sober.

Getting out that place takes work, involves change, and needs commitment - there's just no way out of that.

You're not alone though - have you tried a face to face support group, like AA or some other recovery programme?

Are you thinking of seeing a Dr or counsellor?

I will die from this whether from the booze or my own hands. I guess their both the same though aren't they?
I know you're just musing but if you ever feel really down we have a sticky here with some readings and links

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

Please keep posting.
D
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:54 PM
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Well you have gotten excellent advice from the good people on this site.

I have to agree with them all and ask you or implore you to please seek detox and a recovery action plan.

We all would like to support you on this journey, but the first steps have to be taken by you.

I look forward to hearing your plan of action.
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by still_me View Post
Thank you all for your suggestions, advice and support. i DO want to quit i guess i just start feeling like such crap I take a couple shots to feel better and next thing I know,....well I don't know what i've done for hours. I honestly feel I need help to stop, be locked somewhere where I can't drink for a couple weeks and then I feel I'll have a chance. Maybe that is the chicken **** way out, I don't know, I just know I'm at the end of my rope and need to do whatever has to be done to quit drinking. I will die from this whether from the booze or my own hands. I guess their both the same though aren't they?
Hi Still me,

I'm 6 days home from a 28 day recovery program and my heart breaks for you.

I had to ask for help. I was so depressed and sick, just plain sick, I couldn't stop crying and I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. So with the help of my husband, mom and a dear friend who suggested this particular recovery center a friend of hers had gone to....I made the call. I had tried to sober up on my own and I too needed a place away from all things familiar and to be protected from making "another" last trip to the store.

I went in on November 23rd and came home December 21st. The recovery center helped me detox safely and gave me much needed counseling and helped me get established into the 12 step program AA and NA. I'm so thankful I was able to go and for me what made all the difference was finding my spirituality again and the first 3 steps are an excellent guide to seeking out your higher power.

Check out this link in SR
Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Find a meeting and go. Find a sponsor that will help you work the steps and possibly help you get into a detox and recovery center. You mentioned a drug and alcohol counselor you are working with. That counselor can and will help you get into a recovery center you just have to make the decision and do it.

Hope this helps! Take care!

Karen
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