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Dust settles

Old 12-26-2009, 01:11 PM
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Dust settles

I know we have all felt like this.
As time goes by from your last use. You feel like you can handle it again on your own. Going on living like you did before.
Thinking many different things like, Maybe I am not that bad, cuase look, I stopped for this long. Or I can stop this time without going to meetings or working a program.
You know what I mean? Just that sense of forgetting the misery after time has passed. And since you not in the crisis of the using anymore, you feel like maybe you dont need to do any work for recovery. Thinking its as simple as just not wanting to use and thats it.
Thats the kind of thinking that has had me in this endless, BS cycle for so many years.
After the dust settles and it all seems ok again.
And its even harder for me this time because I am trying to get into an intensive long term program and its been a month so far that I have been waiting. So that makes my mind def think that I should just forget about it and just carry on.

BUT!!! I am not going to be that stupid this time.

I ahve had to seriously ask myself..." Would I use right now if it was right in front of me?" And honestly the answer is hell yea I would.

So that right there is enough for me to remember the misery of the last use and all those years of crap I put myself in.

Until that obsession is gone. I will never be safe to go it alone. To think its going to be ok now just because its all settled down now.

I am not a psychic. I dont know what tomorrow will bring. Just because the temptation isnt here today, doesnt mean it wont be tomorrow or the next day.
And I need to be armed and ready for whenever that situation may present itself.

Just thinking out loud. Bceause every holiday I usually do spend it like I should for the day. But when its all over and we all go home. I usually go get high as hell.
Not this year. And never again.
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Old 12-26-2009, 01:38 PM
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I'm glad your working it through Trish. This is the part that baffles me, and makes me think AA/NA is on to something. I personally do not ever see myself forgetting the horror of a black out, or thinking maybe this next time I will be ok. I'm coming on a year sober, and for me the dust never settled. While I do not consider myself a thumper or hardcore program, I do wonder if for a certain kind of addict they were spot on. The story of the dude who keeps going out, gets sober, and then thinks booze is ok if he adds it to milk. THAT kind of thinking has never happened to me (thanks God if it was you=), and it is hard for me to wrap my head around. I KNOW I use to find oblivion, and in oblivion I can and have done things that hurt the people I love. I can't forget that, I feel like it would be easier to forget my name or where I live.

And that very thing has led me to believe that a spiritually based program may indeed be what some people need.
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Old 12-26-2009, 02:03 PM
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I always think that way because I associate all my years of using with good times, freedom and excitement. Thats the one thing that really needs to change.
I need to see it for what it is. And thats total freakin misery and a fast track to dieing a slow death, prison time, possibly fed time, or death. Death would be the best out of all those.
But I dont want any iof them, not yet. I am not ready to die, and I dont want to die slow or rot in a prison.

I get in these pahses where I have no desire to use. I am always ok for the first 30 days. Sometimes 60. but usually after that I start to get those cravings. And because its been a little while since I used, And alot of times have picked myself back up and am on the right track again, I feel that one time wont hurt. What a flippin lie that is.

Until I can ask myself if I would use if it were right in front of me, and answer hell no and honestly and truly feel disgust and hate for all things drugs and drug game. It wont be ok.
And I think this time I have finally accepted that.

I am so tired. I really am. I have let drugs rob me of too much. Its time to stop the madness.
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Old 12-26-2009, 02:43 PM
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but thats the thing I dont get Trish (you know I love you girl, thanks for putting up with my questions!). Fact: you KNOW using is bad. Fact: you have made up your mind never to use again

so when those cravings hit, do you really forget all of that? have you read the story I was talking about, or any of the AA book? Cause it trips me out when I read the stories in there, and they match all the stuff going on in real life with the people I know and love.

The only weakness in me that I sense as far as using, is if it ever happens again where I am hurt bad. If I ever have to bury someone I love too young again, and it hurts the way I know it will, I worry then. But I cant even imagine picking up just because I say fck it, or because I think I can control myself, or because I think it will be fun.

By the way, every day I dont drink or use I get a little farther away from the fear of picking up in grief. I have so many really good friends in recovery to see me through, and my HP works miracles in my life when I need them, so I am hopeful I will get to live and die sober. Of course if I could go the rest of my days without burying anyone too young, that would be cool too.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:34 PM
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I think for me..I do know where it is going to lead. I already know that its going to be chaotic and probably end in some messed up drama and losing alot. But the drug has such a hold on me sometimes, physically and mentally. That its not that I say F it. Its almost like I need chaos in my life or something. I lived so hard in the streets for so long, that normality gets boring I guess. But mostly its the high I want. Theres something about that first hit. Every one after that is never as good. But the first one is like a breath of fresh air it seems like. The smell, the taste the whole ritual in doing it. I dont know how to expalin it. It does over power any rational thoughts when I am in that mind set. Its freakin madness.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:53 PM
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Thinking 'everything was ok now' kept me in the cycle for 20 years.

Eventually even my cinderblock head realised it wasn't ok at all - and ok's not a really great thing to aim for anyway LOL - I have a life now I only dreamed of before

You're doing well Trish
D
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:33 PM
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Maybe its just lucky that I am such a raging codie then, as I have always put others well being ahead of my own. The morning I woke up and realized that I had seriously messed with my daughters head, I knew I had to quit. Chasing the high, being bored or longing for the drama is never enough to justify me taking a chance at messing her up again that bad. I hope you find what it takes honey, I hope everyone on this site finds what it takes.
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:51 PM
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Aysha,

I think being addicted to the chaos is just as bad as being addicted to the drug. You've been a bit bored lately, stuck at home without a ride. Call the AA/NA hot line and get a ride to the meeting. Allowing a 12-Stepper to help out with a simple thing like a ride helps us stay sober. Help another person stay clean and sober today. Get that ride!

Love,

Lenina
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:27 PM
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My doc was alcohol, but I "think" you are way past the physical part and its all pretty much mental now. I would say to concentrate on the recovery part that addresses the mind. I'm not sure where you are at in the recovery process because I know you were looking into things. I need to keep more up on things.
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Old 12-27-2009, 01:27 AM
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(((Trish))) - I had to think about your question...if someone had the dope in front of me, would I want to use...to be honest, I would THINK about it for about half a second, and then I would remember my last time of using and get the hell out of there. This I know for a fact.

I used to drop off a coworker, who lived in the 'hood. He actually ended up messing up with crack, lost his job, got locked up and is now getting his **** back together and on intensive probation. Anyway, after I would drop him off, the d-boys in his apt. complex would try to "serve" me, and I would just wave, say "I'm straight" and keep driving...had a pocket full of enough money to get high for a little while.

SO, my point is, you're right..you DO need to follow your plan...IOP, sober living, whatever it takes. What worked for me, is not going to work for you. You can use and come home...I couldn't. May not seem like such a big difference, but it is HUGE. I'm NOT saying anything bad about grams..I'm really not. I'm just saying that you've got to do something different before you end up like my ex and your ex.....dead.

I love you dearly, and I really, really want you to get to the point where you're "recovering mind" says "hell NO!!!" when the thought of using enters. Yes, I still have thoughts of getting numb...they just don't last long at all. It's like one voice says "man, I just wanna be numb" and another voice says "yeah, THAT'S a brilliant idea...WTF happened the LAST time you tried that dipshyt?" and the memories of the BAD part of my using during my relapse come back and it isn't pretty.

You're doing great, sweetie.....keep it up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-27-2009, 09:21 AM
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I'm experiencing that 'dust settling' thing right now. Your post was really timely and helpful..thank you!
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Old 12-27-2009, 09:37 AM
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Wow

nothing to say...........great people. As always.
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