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I am an Alcoholic

Old 12-15-2009, 01:45 PM
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Marie you are well remembered around here. I have to admit my mouth dropped when I saw your statement about killing yourself except for the pain it would cause your 2 sons. I knew a woman that did that not long ago. Please go to a doctor and talk to the doctor about your feelings of helplessness. Please don't let that go unchecked. You may be depressed by the drinking, but you may also have depression in you and it is worsened by the alcohol. Either way, please, please, please get yourself checked out.

You were created for a purpose and you will discover your purpose when you stop drinking. There's a reason you're here in my opinion. Maybe its being a mom or maybe its more then that. Don't ever think you aren't important. Please. Hugs to you and lots and lots of positive thoughts and prayers coming your way - Sarah
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Old 12-15-2009, 04:46 PM
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hi mountain magic....you are not alone


i've just came back myself. thanks for your share
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Old 12-15-2009, 06:22 PM
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********{mtnmagic}}}}}}

I've missed you !!!!!

And I've thought about you and our late night chats a LOT!!!!

welcome, welcome back!!!
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:28 PM
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Wow, Marie. I first came to SR 3 years ago -- in November of '06. It's been a long journey for me, as well.

The anxiety, the depression, self medicating with alcohol, even the part about your kids keeping you here -- it's all me. Before this last stretch and GOD I hope it'll never end -- I'd made it to 58 days once and 31 days another time. Every other attempt lasted a few days to a week at most.

But upon the advice of some good people here, I kept coming back.

What Taz said about posting in addition to reading has really made a difference for me. On September 1 of this year, I posted a few lists for myself in my own thread --which never really turned into the online journal I'd intended. Anyway, I go back to those darned lists quite often. ESPECIALLY when I'm struggling. Today, in fact, I added another one. If you want to read them, see the thread "Holding Myself Accountable." I think some of it may sound familiar.

Anyway -- keep reading, keep posting and give it time. You CAN do it.

Hugs.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:15 PM
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Thank you again for all the support. I really need it so badly. I act as if I am fine and independent alone, even if I am dying inside.

I did go to a 6:00PM AA meeting. I'm pretty shaky. I know I stink because the alcohol is just oozing out my body. The people in AA were kind. I can't talk much, I cry alot but I am so damn done that anything I didn't do right today, I'll just have to work on tomorrow.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:19 PM
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*holding nose*

I'mbe sdill habby too see ya baggk, tho.

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Old 12-15-2009, 10:24 PM
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I laughed. I actually laughed out loud. Thanks Deb!
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:33 PM
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Old 12-16-2009, 12:10 AM
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Well

"I would kill myself except for the pain it would cause my two sons."

God I hate to see people needlessly continue to suffer from untreated alcoholism.

You sound like the real alcoholic and you are reaching the point where you cannot face life with or without alcohol. The jumping off place where we wish for the end, as the book says. You may know lonliness as few do.

You don't have to live the tortureous life you are living. There is A Solution.

Here's the deal. The bottom line. The end of the road.
p. 44 "...you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."
There is no other solution I know of for the hopeless chronic alcoholic such as myself.

I thought I had enough to drink when I got to my first meeting. I only thought I knew what powerlessness meant. I had no clue.

The following could not make me quit:
1. Loosing everything. Health, money, family, homes, jobs, self-respect.
2. Hitting a bottom. I just kept lowering the bar.
3. Effort. No matter how hard I tried and how much desire I had it was of zero benefit. It doesn't matter how much the alcoholic wants to quit drinking. He can wish, will, and want with all his might. It's a complete waste of time. The alcohol will continue to decide for him. The alcoholism will refuse to surrender. It will lie to you in self-preservation. It refuses to die. It will make you beat yourself up, so as to fool you into thinking you "had" some control over it. Ego is it's weapon.

If I had the power not to pick up the next drink I would have, believe me. I drank because I HAD to. No choice about it. The needed spiritual strength was not there. Powerless.

If your the type of alcoholic the program was designed for, you have no choice but TO drink. We are "without defense against the first drink". This is step 1. We can accept this and continue to drink to the bitter end, or we can accept this and seek the solution with the desperation of a drowning man. What was our choice to be?

I'm not here to tickle your eardrums with sweet poetry. I do however care whether you live or die. But I'm just here to carry THE message of recovery. All I can tell you is that it works everytime. It "never fails". It's promised. I won't ramble on any longer.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is listen to THIS very, very closely.

Find a real alcoholic Big Book thumper for a sponsor if you can. I've tried everything under the sun. The steps are the only solution.

If they tell you:
"Don't drink and go to meetings"
Ask them how to do the don't drink part.
If they tell you:
"Keep coming back"
Ask them how you acquire the power to keep coming back.

You'll know when you find the right sponsor. She won't make up answers to your questions. Instead she'll show you where the are in the book. She'll carry THE message of recovery and not her own.

In the meantime listen to the Joe/Charlie and read the book all you can. That way you can sort out the hard drinkers from the real alcoholics in the meetings. There's lots of feel-good opinionated philisophic babble in the meetings these days, but it won't get you sober like the 12-step program of action will.
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Old 12-16-2009, 11:32 AM
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Thank you Steve. Yes I am that kind of alcoholic. A horrible alcoholic.

I don't do drugs as they do nothing for me. One son has begged me to try pot in order to get through these withdrawals. I can't.

I drink for the 8 minutes or so left to feel no pain. Today is day 2 of no drinkng.

The withdrawals hurt. I see things and hear things that are not there.

On one hand I know that I am dying. On the other I know I won't have such luck. I want to drink in order for this pain to go away.

I will go to a meeting again today.

Thank you for the link.
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Old 12-16-2009, 11:42 AM
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Congrats on day two. If your withdrawals get too bad please get medical help from your doctor or the ER. Please be safe while detoxing.

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-16-2009, 02:05 PM
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Thank you Least. I know that you know what I am going through. You made it so can I.
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:07 AM
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Mtnmagic, I think your first and most important task now is to pass the detox. To live through it and keep away from drinking during these very hard days when it hurts both mind and body. I wish you win in that struggle. You say that drugs (meds ?) do not help you. Try drinking more water, add some lemon juice to it. Try to wash out the toxins. Try using vitamins (not much, just the usual recommended dosages). When people drink they lose a lot of vitamins, and the system stops working properly because of this, too.

You have to clear your system off alcohol. Then, when you are absolutely sober, you will face the second most important task - not to start drinking again. And the only right choice here is the decision to forget about alcohol. It must die for you. For ever. Like a person who made you suffer long time ago, and you do not want to see him any more.

You must realize once and for all that alcohol just does not exist in the world. Not a single drop. Be strong!
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Old 12-17-2009, 02:50 PM
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(((mm)))

d
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Old 12-19-2009, 11:57 AM
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Mtnmagic's last post was three days ago. I wonder if she is OK...
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Old 12-20-2009, 10:12 AM
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Where

Are
You
mtnmagic?!
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Old 12-21-2009, 06:51 PM
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Hello Marie ~

You just told the exact same story of what finally got me into recovery. Forget the physical pain - the hangovers, needing a bucket by my bed every night, waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, gagging when I brushed my teeth, waking up in the morning unable to even look in the mirror, horrified at whatever stupid thing I did or said the night before...

I would suffer through all of that physical pain and more, but it was the EMOTIONAL pain that motivated me to reach out and do whatever I had to to make that emotional pain go away. I couldn't stand the intense (I mean, intense) feelings of shame, guilt, self-loathing day in/day out. I still had all my material possessions, but I had lost all my self-respect, self-esteem, self-worth. I was sure that everyone knew my "secret" and I was constantly in fear and suffered on-going anxiety attacks (thanks to the alcohol since it depresses the central nervous system and causes fatigue, agitation and anxiety and actually triggers panic attacks).

When you say, "There is no horrible consequence as a result of my drinking except to myself..." - it was exactly this personal devastation to my emotional self that defined my bottom and it was a "rock bottom" for me.

I began going to AA meetings and also had an out-patient counselor. The two combined (the counselor was a proponent of AA) saved my life, but I also had to be willing to do the work.

I remember that pain like it was yesterday and I'm glad because I never want to feel that way again. What I've gotten from my sobriety is not even something I knew I wanted. It's indescribable to wake up in the morning, refreshed, with no remorse or guilt and having nothing to hide.

I went to alot of meetings till I found a few that I liked and stayed with them. I listened (alot!) and read alot of books (memoirs really, from women with similar stories). I didn't think of anything as "forever" - I just stayed in the day. A good woman sponsor is a real life-line - I didn't rush into getting just anyone. I stayed active in the meetings until I met a woman who had something I wanted.

Best wishes to you, Marie. Recovery, as a way of life, is so worth it in so, so many ways.

Take care of yourself ~
Bee
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:31 PM
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Thank you humblebee for sharing with me. I am through my fourth day sober and really still very sick. I went to work Saturday and Sunday and was off Monday and Tuesday.

I'm still numb and shaky. This is so very bad, but I am determined to get through this.

My oldest son has stolen from my bank account. He put me about 400 bucks in the hole. When I asked him why, he told me because I got drunk and so he decided to do drugs again.

It is hard to sort through what is my fault and what he has used as an excuse just to use again.

What a mess this is.

I know I cannot make anything better by drinking again. Waiting through the long hours of withdrawal is hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But wait I will. I have gotten a glimpse of feeling better and the fear and pain and anxiety lessening if I give it time.

I do want to stay sober more then I want to drink, but it is really hard. I remember what is said here and at AA meetings that I have gone to. The cravings won't last forever. And they don't. I haven't dared leave my house for the last days off for fear of heading to the nearest liquor store. I just won't go there.

I do not know what to do about my current financial situation, but because I still have a job (I have no idea why) I know I can work on it a little at a time.

Please pray for me and/or send healing energy my way. I need it.
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:36 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about that Marie.
For whatever it's worth, I call BS on your sons excuse.

Keep focused - and do check out some real world support like humblebee and others here have suggested...I don't think we can ever have too many tools in our toolbox

thanks for updating us
hugs
D
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Old 12-22-2009, 09:47 PM
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Thank you so much for responding Dee. I have been here for three years now. The most time I have ever gotten was about 40 days. Everytime I get the courage to post on this board you respond with hope. I want you to know I appreciate that very much.

I know my son's excuse is BS. It is hard to justify when I know that I am such a drunk. If I can stay sober and get clear headed, I can do something. Right now my brain is so fuzzy, I went to the bank today and jumped into another person's car that looked like my own. I was shaking and upset with what the bank told me. My account was overdrawn by about $400. My youngest son who is doing well and in college, his and my account was overdrawn by about $200.00.

The man in the car was kind when I jumped in and realized my mistake. It just shows me how after 4 days sober what a real mess that I am.

I know that if I hold on, it will get better in time. Right now it does not feel like it at all. It feels like hell on earth. I need to remember this time, right before the holidays with almost not a cent to my name. Complete demoralization, that's what I have. I'll stay here all night if I have to. Hell I've been here quietly for the last couple of nights because I can't sleep at all.

However, I believe you and others that say it gets better. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I think if I were to go through seizures or something else, I would have done so by now. It's just holding on until I can stop crying and shaking and start living again.
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