i want to tell my father about my problem...
 

but i dont know how... we're not really that close, although i'm closer to my father than my mother, i dont talk to her at all.. he's around sometimes and i do talk to him, but he pretty much lives in a different country.. i think he does care about me, but he mostly just throws money at me (and he has a lot of money).. like he bought me a car, he bought a house here in toronto so that i would have somewhere to live, he pays most of my bills, he paid for me to go to university, even though i dropped out almost right away, and he says he will pay again when i decide to go back... ive been on this forum talking about going to rehab.. and if i do that im most likely going to have to ask my father to pay for that too... but i dont want to just ask him for money this time... i actually want a parent that cares about me.. and i dont know how to bring that up.. and i'm kinda afraid of being disappointed.. i know some of you are parents, can you give me some advice on what to do?

Maybe he is doing what he can for you. Being in another country, I am sure makes it really tough to be physically close. But it sounds like he does things to make sure you are ok. It would be different if he just bought you things you didnt need to live.
It sounds to me he is ensuring your well being.
I didnt have to tell anyone in my family about my problem. They knew long before I even did. And it was quite a few years before I ever asked for help.
When I didnt care who knew or where my life was going. They kept their distance. But when I finally asked for help and actively tried to get help. They were right there by my side the whole way. Even when I failed. I always keep trying. and as long as they see me trying and know I do care and want to change. They will always be there.
I know that having my familys support is very crucial for me.

The short answer is none of us can tell you if it's a good idea or not Sara. You know your dad better than anyone here.

You might get help with money for rehab, you may not - I wish you luck with that.

I think it's dangerous tho to expect you'll get a dad who'll drop everything and run to your side and hug you and tell you everythings gonna be alright.

It will be great if that happens, and you have a right to want that - but many of us didn't and don't have that, and that just is what it is.

In the end, family support or not, money or not, we owe it to ourselves to get through this, and many of us have - you can do it too.

D

I'm a parent... But it is really hard to give you advice on this one.

I know that in my own case, when it came down to it, I would move mountains to make sure my kids got what they needed. I can only hope that your dad would be the same way.

On the other hand, you don't need another blow right now.

I think the best thing I can do is hope very strongly that your dad is ready to step up and come through for you on this.

On the money as love topic... I think a lot of people from your dad's generation were really never taught how to be dads. He may want very badly to show you how he feels, but money may be the only way he really knows how to do it. In that case.... taking the money is almost like saying "I love you too, dad"

-Goat

First of all Sara, I just looked at your profile and you listed yourself as a loser. You're NOT, no matter how much of a mess you think you have made of your life. I don't know if the "19" refers to your age or not, but if you are still in your 20's my suspicion is your dad is throwing money at you because he doesn't know how else to express his love and doesn't want to see you want for anything. I think a lot of wealthy families are like that. (The ones I've seen in the movies anyway.) Being your dad, I would bet big money that he really cares about you but perhaps never had a parent himself who showed affection any other way than the way he is doing it. Try talking to him about his past. He will be reluctant or may refuse. That in itself should give you a clue. I'm in my late 50's (a mother) and have a late 20's daughter who has seen ME go through a lot of alcoholic behavior. Despite that, she hasn't written me off.

The above was a bit long winded without answering your question really. What I would do is reach out to him more and try to find out more about how he was raised. By getting to know more about his background and about him today (besides the money thing), you might be more comfortable about opening up to him about your problem. YOu could then ask his advice about what HE thinks would be a good idea. He might actually bring up rehab. If not, by then you may be more comfortable in doing so.

I wish you all the best. Above all, don't lose contact with him. It sounds like he may be trying his best the only way he know how. You can try to teach him another way.

I can't say it any better than Goat and Asta did. I will just confirm that your dad may just not know how to show he loves you and money is an easy way to tell someone you care, even if in a somewhat roundabout way. Can you write him a letter or call him? Tell him that you're having some problems and need his help (not saying his financial help, just his help). See what he says and take it from there. That's what I would do. Be direct without being shocking or greedy. Let him know you want to clean up your life and live better in the future.

I really hope it goes well for you. You are my daughter's age, so I feel I understand and know how I'd feel if my kids told me something like that. I'd do anything I could to help them out, or rather, to help them help themselves. When they were little and learning how to walk, I didn't move their feet for them but I was close by to catch them if they started to fall.

(((hugs))) Do'nt give up on yourself, no matter what! You are not a loser, you're a human being going thru some rough times. You deserve a better sober life and it's worth working for. So just do whatever you have to do to get the help you know you need. Every life is worth it.

Sara... welcome back btw.

I don't quite know how to say this, but here goes (in the simplest form).

You sound like you want a parent (ie, dad) to care--and (again, not trying to be presumptuous) if you need help, he'll come a running...

I think the same thing... that if I'm bad enough someone in my real life will care enough to actually step forward. If nothing else, I've learned over these last few months that while they'll agree with me (whatever I choose), any saving me is dependent on me. They can give me money, support me openly, but in the end... I'm grown. On my own. If I want something, I have to go get it. Whether it's the daily paper, a pound of spinach, or sobriety, doesn't matter... I'm on my own now.

Essentially, I'm an orphan... not literally, but in the end, it's kind of the same. I gotta do for me or it does not get done. I get the impression (for different reasons maybe) you might be in similar circumstances.

Do for yourself... Sara, ask yourself this: do you like how you're living?

Rehab, AA, other stuff, nothing will work if the answer is yes--or if it's a blase yes.

I mean no offense. I'm just saying that if his method of being your parent was to throw money at you, that's unlikely to change. Like someone mentioned above, some generations weren't taught the same as others... it's not really gonna change, much as sometimes we'd like it to. You can change, though, either your behavior, or your attitude towards your situation. He might see you change and change himself... who knows? But your priority has to be taking care of you. And I'm not talking about the money side of things...

Life sucks sometimes, sugar, you just gotta get through it... find something worth doing--worthwhile in *your* opinion, not what someone tells you.
Take care of yourself now.
TB

PS/ Oh, and you are worth saving... if you think about it, from *your* perspective, you're the main thing... anything/everything else comes afterwards. Don't know where all you can go, you probably don't either... but isn't it worth it to maybe have some real fun/ real effect later on? Just something to think about.

PPS sorry this was so long.

i dont like living like this, but i'm probably too immature and weak to do anything about it...

and there's another reason i want to talk to my father about this... he is here in toronto sometimes, usually a couple of times a month for a few days at a time, and he has people around when he's here.. and he keeps liquor in the house for that.. and i dont mean a bottle stashed under the sink or anything, he has a full bar with hundreds of dollars, if not more, worth of alcohol... he doesnt care what i take from it, he's told me and my brother to take what we want and have friends over or whatever, and just let him know if anything runs out and he'll replace it... i dunno if i can handle having that thing here... and even if he would get rid of it, like i said i'm immature, im not sure if i'm ready to have all of my free alcohol disappear

Sounds like you aren't ready to quit booze/drugs yet Sara.

To stand any chance you have to be totally beaten and willing to accept that drinking cannot be an option for you anymore as you are alcoholic and thus booze will kill you, whilst taking everything that you once held dear along with it too.

There is no quick fix, magic bullet solution to drink/drug addiction fundamentally because the person has to be willing to go to any length neccessary to stay clean at all costs. You have to surrender completely in order to stand any chance of victory. Such a hard thing to comprehend and accept untill that moment of clarity smacks you in the face and you see your future so vividly and you know that you have to get clean or you're going to die or end up in prison or a psychiatric hospital.

I weren't ready at 19 either, in fact I wouldn't have even considered it back then as I still had loads more booze and drugs to take. I hadn't even gotten into Cocaine properly till i was 20!! LOL. Not even done acid till I was 20!! Would have been a tragedy to have quit!! LOL

Was it worth it? Hell yes, it's what has brought me here where i am today but it had to bring me to my knees numerous times before i got where i am now. I truly had enough of booze and drugs but i had to stand firm with my decision to stay sober/clean at all costs or I would have gone back to my old ways again.

I stay away from booze/drugs on a daily basis with the help of SR and AA. SR helped immensely in the early days when i was unemployed but I have really got involved with AA now and I love meeting all my friends there now. They have been where i have been and they understand what I say when I discuss what I am describing to you now. Not everyone at the meetings I particualry like but thats life. They think the same about me I'm sure!lol.

When you're ready you will suddenly see all the snippets of what people were trying to tell you, but crucially only when you're ready. Some people are never ready and take it to the grave with them sadly, but thats the reality of alclholism/drug addiction. I am no different and i realise that I am only one drink away from being right back to where free booze seems like something I couldn't possibly turn down or be without.

I love not being a slave to chemicals anymore Sara, so pathetic when you really think about it, being a slave and choosing chemicals over everything else in your one life. But that's where i was deep in my alclholism. I am so glad I ain't in that game anymore. being sober is so much better than chasing a chemical release from life. Though i wouldn't have believed that statement 9 motnhs ago either.

peace and Love xxx

i want there to be a quick fix... i dunno how this happened to me

I wish there was a quick fix too. Heck, I bet we all do!

…but there isn’t.

I believe it starts with surrender, followed quickly by acceptance. I’m not sure you can start working on the problem until then.

…but, there is good news. No, great news! You can beat this, yes it’s gonna be tough and you’ve got to do the work, but you can beat it and live a happy life.

Sara, do you have a willingness to be sober? Are you willing to do anything to be sober, even if it is just for 24 hours? If yes, than keep reading.

As a father myself, I hate seeing my kids scared, in fear, or in trouble. My kids are not babies, but all in high school. My oldest is not much younger than you I'm sure. Even if I were mad at my kids, if they came to me with something like this, I would help them however I could.

There is only one way to find out the answer to your question. You need to tell your Dad what is going on in your life and what you want to happen. To be honest, even though he lives in a different country, he may already know.

Please let us know what you do and how it turns out. I pray that your burdens may be lightened.

PS... there is no quick fix, but, if you want something now, then look up your local intergroup. I have attached it here to help.... find a meeting and go to one tonight. Not exactly like therapy, but it may be exactly what you need right now. The only thing I will add is just do it, and do what they tell you. Don't just sit there in the back of the room, but put yourself in the center and ask for help and guidance. They will help you. I've been there, I know.

Toronto Intergroup

Sara,

I think one thing we can all tell you, is that there is no quick fix.

Overcoming addiction involves changing your life, changing the way you live your life. Recovery is an ongoing process, and I hope that you will open yourself to the possibility of living a sober life.

i dont think i'm strong enough to do it

You never mentioned your age but I'm guessing you might be about the same as me (I'm 20). I'm only 9 days sober and I feel like I understand some of what you're going through. Being so young I definitely question whether I'm truly ready to give it up for good. I mean it seems like for most people my age drinking/using is the major social activity. I'm in a fraternity in college so pretty much everyone parties a lot and it's hard not to feel like I'm gonna be left out.

You've probably heard this before, but taking things one day at a time has helped me a lot. It's difficult for me to thinking about not drinking/using again FOREVER but it's not quite as hard to just not drink for TODAY. I've noticed even in the short time that I've been sober that the cravings get less and less each day and I see the advantages of sobriety more and more each day. Personally I've set the goal for myself that I'm not going to drink/use at all for a month NO MATTER WHAT, and then at the end of the month I will be able to choose with a clearer head whether I want to continue in my sobriety or go back to the life I was living.

You CAN be strong enough to do it, you just gotta want it with all your heart and soul. It helps to have a supportive person or persons, family/friends, as long as you have someone 'in your corner' to support you. If it's not family or friends, maybe counseling could help. I go to my addiction counselor once a week for an hour. It helps me a lot to be able to vent and get her feedback. Give it a try. It can't hurt.

(((hugs)))

I went through that too Skroomadoom but then I gained acceptance that most people out partying are not alcoholics. I am not like most people. I am an alcoholic. That is the fundamental difference between me and most people. When I stopped worrying about what others are doing and concentrate on what I know that I should be doing ie-getting to meetings and keeping sober then I do just fine.

Never forget that whereas a party getting a little messed up with booze and a few drugs is an event which will be reserved to an evening for most, for me it will have major repercussions on the rest of my life because i am an alcoholic/addict so I lost the power over booze/drugs a long time ago. A party on a Friday night for me would turn into a weekend bender drinking/drugging 24/7 only to crash n' burn and miss work Monday etcetc and maybe would get arrested during the bender or OD or whatever. I may lose my job and then what? More drinking/drugging ? No thanks, I've been down that road too many times and it's Sh*t. It's took me 5+ months to build my life back up to lose it for a party? No F*cking way.

I am an alcoholic/addict whereas most people out partying are not. I used to party with some hard-core people but I wouldn't say that they were alcoholic like me. They can exercise some control but I am powerless. Also 1 drink for me would ultimatley end up killing me ;maybe quickly/maybe slowly but it would mean I would be back in the drinking game again and I may never make it back to sobriety. I wouldn't want to take that risk over a 'party' or whatever. I have a different kind of 'fun' now and it's so much more rewarding. I never see happiness on the face of an alclholic/addict and I never saw happiness on my face when I used to catch a glimpse in the mirror when drinking my withdrawl away. Mugs game.

Sara, Not many alcoholics have got the strength to do it alone either. Thats why there are various support groups (or whatever term you want to use) out there.

Neomarxist,

I know what you're saying on not being like other people and I get it. I guess it's just that I'm not yet completely convinced that I'm an alcoholic/addict yet. I'm in college and I get good (enough) grades. I have a job and I'm doing fine moneywise (could always use a bit more, but who couldn't right?). I have friends, a loving family, etc. I've gotten in trouble a few times for drinking/drugs (had to change high schools, been arrested, etc) but I've never really had any SERIOUS consequences as of yet.

I feel like the fact that I haven't really been burned yet by drugs and alcohol is weakening my resolve. I've seen a few friends go down the path with opiates and really **** their lives up irreversibly and I don't want that to be me, but since it hasn't happened yet it's easier to convince myself that I don't really have a problem and that it won't happen to me you know? The thing is I really don't want to have to **** up my life to stop. I'd rather nip the problem in the bud right now so I don't ever have to go down that path. It's just that, if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I'm quite done with drinking/drugs just yet -- although I wish I could be...

why do you people always go back to the support groups? thats not enough for me... no, i dont want to quit.. i need to, but i dont want to... how am i supposed to want it? holding hands and praying isnt enough

What do you mean by you need to but you don't want to? Why do you need to quit? Why do you want to keep drinking/drugging?