Just an emotional wreck
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Just an emotional wreck
Yep.
Here to whine some more.
Ths sitting around if really messing with my mind and my emotions.
I am crying over any and everything.
Happy crying, sad crying. I am aggravated, angry, testy, and just coming unglued.
I know some of you guys have suggested do some service work.
I wouldnt even know where to begin.
I cant even find a ride to a meeting.
How would I even get to these places to volunteer?
I made my appt for IOP and its not until the 29th.
I called her back like an hour after I made it and asked her if there was any way I could get one sooner, because I am going to lose it if I have to sit in my house doing nothing for anoter 2 weeks. And I said it just like that to her.
She said to call her every day and see if any one cancels.
I am so ready to get going. And am even excited to go into sober living now.
Before I was scared and almost hoping they wouldnt let me in.
But now that I am going and on the waiting list. I cant freakin wait.
And I cant wait to get involved in my recovery and really do something about it this time.
And after get the help I will need to be independent and maybe get my own place.
I still want to go to school. But thats just going to have to wait for awhile.
I am like one of those dogs at the race track that is waiting to start and freaking out for the door to open so I can be off and running.
I am so ready for this. And now patience is killing me.
I need to call my Dr and get some different meds or something. I feel like a train wreck. No energy and I am going from sad to mad to calm all in the blink of an eye.
If I make it through this crap here. I can make it through anything.
I hate not working. And thats what is killing me more than anything.
Here to whine some more.
Ths sitting around if really messing with my mind and my emotions.
I am crying over any and everything.
Happy crying, sad crying. I am aggravated, angry, testy, and just coming unglued.
I know some of you guys have suggested do some service work.
I wouldnt even know where to begin.
I cant even find a ride to a meeting.
How would I even get to these places to volunteer?
I made my appt for IOP and its not until the 29th.
I called her back like an hour after I made it and asked her if there was any way I could get one sooner, because I am going to lose it if I have to sit in my house doing nothing for anoter 2 weeks. And I said it just like that to her.
She said to call her every day and see if any one cancels.
I am so ready to get going. And am even excited to go into sober living now.
Before I was scared and almost hoping they wouldnt let me in.
But now that I am going and on the waiting list. I cant freakin wait.
And I cant wait to get involved in my recovery and really do something about it this time.
And after get the help I will need to be independent and maybe get my own place.
I still want to go to school. But thats just going to have to wait for awhile.
I am like one of those dogs at the race track that is waiting to start and freaking out for the door to open so I can be off and running.
I am so ready for this. And now patience is killing me.
I need to call my Dr and get some different meds or something. I feel like a train wreck. No energy and I am going from sad to mad to calm all in the blink of an eye.
If I make it through this crap here. I can make it through anything.
I hate not working. And thats what is killing me more than anything.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Aw Trish, I understand your feelings so well. I'm a bit impatient myself but you've been wanting this for a while now so I can just imagine you chomping at the bit wanting to get going! I have no advice for you, or any kind of wisdom, but I do have lots of (((hugs)))!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Trish your circumstances might be special, but what youre feeling is pretty common I think?
Check out this link
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
D
Check out this link
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
What you're feeling is what I've experienced, and what I've heard a lot of people share. You know you're not alone Trish, you don't need us to tell you that. This will pass but it'll take time, effort, commitment, determination. I think I've said that to you a few times before, so I'm sounding like a broken record 
Got a cell phone? For service work you might be able to have your number set up as a hotline, but you'll need a little more recovery time to do that I think.
Service can be helping an elderly person, help a child with their homework, shovel snow for somebody. Anything that takes the focus off you and puts it on helping someone else.
Is there a church within walking distance? I can almost guarantee you they can use volunteers every day.
Got a cell phone? For service work you might be able to have your number set up as a hotline, but you'll need a little more recovery time to do that I think.
Service can be helping an elderly person, help a child with their homework, shovel snow for somebody. Anything that takes the focus off you and puts it on helping someone else.
Is there a church within walking distance? I can almost guarantee you they can use volunteers every day.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
The only thing within walking distance is a Hess, Mcdonalds, a Pizza place and the post office. I am in the middle of nowhere right off a highway exit.
I do help my little cousin with his home work. And I am finding myself getting sucked in to my cousins BS again.
But this time it is my own fault.
I would love to ring her neck. Especially for getting my little cousins in the middle of her stupid ass drama. Her priorities are so distorted but you cant tell her anything. She will find out one day. But she doesnt have to bring her kids in this sick toxic mess.
Thats what pisses me off. And then has the guts to ask em to apologize to that scumbag for busting him in his face. The only thing I would apologize for is not knocking him out.
I am trying very hard to keep the focus on myself. But my little cousins are just kids.
Who is going to speak for them?
She is going to be moving right down the street from the sober house. In a way thats good. And in other ways its not. Cause if I run into that loser, its a wrap.
Plus I will be close if my baby cousins need me.
I have cleaned as much as I can clean. Organized as much as I can. I am beating my brain thinking of what I want to bring woth me to the house. But then I dont want to get ahead of myself.
It would be nice if I could have my vehicle, But in the same token, Its the best thing for me that I dont. That means no possibility of a drug run.
I havent had any real urges. I have had my moments where I cant stop thinking about it. Keeps me up some nights. I get that taste in ym mouth or the smell for a quick minute. Those I hate. And for some reason Grape koolaid and cherry chap stick remind me of it.
But all in all I am so disgusted by it anymore.
I am so disgusted at myself.
I have spent alot of time on FB and see all these people I grew up with that have a real life. Good jobs, a family and just are living like they should be. And then theres me. The 34 year old teenager.
Have you ever seen the movie step brothers with Will Ferrel?
That is totally my life. I swear I was watching a movie of my life. So pathetic.
Anyway. I am just really trying to be patient. And it is so hard sometimes.
I hope I can get into IOP sooner. Alot sooner. I have never been so eager to go to IOP in my life. I was like a freakin spastic puppy today when my uncle asked me to go with him to get his jeep from the shop. I was hoppin around the drive way waiting for him to come , just to get out of the house. LOL.
I do help my little cousin with his home work. And I am finding myself getting sucked in to my cousins BS again.
But this time it is my own fault.
I would love to ring her neck. Especially for getting my little cousins in the middle of her stupid ass drama. Her priorities are so distorted but you cant tell her anything. She will find out one day. But she doesnt have to bring her kids in this sick toxic mess.
Thats what pisses me off. And then has the guts to ask em to apologize to that scumbag for busting him in his face. The only thing I would apologize for is not knocking him out.
I am trying very hard to keep the focus on myself. But my little cousins are just kids.
Who is going to speak for them?
She is going to be moving right down the street from the sober house. In a way thats good. And in other ways its not. Cause if I run into that loser, its a wrap.
Plus I will be close if my baby cousins need me.
I have cleaned as much as I can clean. Organized as much as I can. I am beating my brain thinking of what I want to bring woth me to the house. But then I dont want to get ahead of myself.
It would be nice if I could have my vehicle, But in the same token, Its the best thing for me that I dont. That means no possibility of a drug run.
I havent had any real urges. I have had my moments where I cant stop thinking about it. Keeps me up some nights. I get that taste in ym mouth or the smell for a quick minute. Those I hate. And for some reason Grape koolaid and cherry chap stick remind me of it.
But all in all I am so disgusted by it anymore.
I am so disgusted at myself.
I have spent alot of time on FB and see all these people I grew up with that have a real life. Good jobs, a family and just are living like they should be. And then theres me. The 34 year old teenager.
Have you ever seen the movie step brothers with Will Ferrel?
That is totally my life. I swear I was watching a movie of my life. So pathetic.
Anyway. I am just really trying to be patient. And it is so hard sometimes.
I hope I can get into IOP sooner. Alot sooner. I have never been so eager to go to IOP in my life. I was like a freakin spastic puppy today when my uncle asked me to go with him to get his jeep from the shop. I was hoppin around the drive way waiting for him to come , just to get out of the house. LOL.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: toronto, canada
Posts: 35
aysha i dunno what to say to you, im kinda screwed up too... but i'm pretty sure i used to talk to you when i was on this site months ago and i remember you being a wonderful person... im not really going anywhere with this, i just wanted to say that
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish))) - I had to laugh, thinking of you jumping around in the driveway
I'm sorry you're going through this, but am VERY glad to see you excited about this new direction your life is heading.
The waiting sucks...no two ways about it. Unfortunately, it's one of those lessons that the more I FIGHT it, the more HP decides I need to LEARN it...over and over and over...OMG!!!!
I've not been in your shoes, so I can't say I know what you're going through. I'm out in the middle of nowhere, with NOTHING within walking distance, but have always had a car at my disposal. I wish I had some suggestions. I can just tell ya I'm doing the "waiting game" with my lawsuit and it sucks. After months of stressing about it, I finally just gave up and let it go.
Sending you mega hugs and prayers....wishing I could do more.
Amy
I'm sorry you're going through this, but am VERY glad to see you excited about this new direction your life is heading.
The waiting sucks...no two ways about it. Unfortunately, it's one of those lessons that the more I FIGHT it, the more HP decides I need to LEARN it...over and over and over...OMG!!!!
I've not been in your shoes, so I can't say I know what you're going through. I'm out in the middle of nowhere, with NOTHING within walking distance, but have always had a car at my disposal. I wish I had some suggestions. I can just tell ya I'm doing the "waiting game" with my lawsuit and it sucks. After months of stressing about it, I finally just gave up and let it go.
Sending you mega hugs and prayers....wishing I could do more.
Amy
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
((Trish))
Hang on in there. It never seems like there's a better end... but there is. Remember all the times before when it's been *so* bad... that helps me at least. I wish you the best--just hang on in there.
Hang on in there. It never seems like there's a better end... but there is. Remember all the times before when it's been *so* bad... that helps me at least. I wish you the best--just hang on in there.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont know what I am whining about. I have everything I need. I am not out in the street, homeless actin a fool like I use to be.
I am getting some long term help. Which is something I have been fighting for , for over 2 yrs now.
I am just impatient.
Theres nothing to be sad about or angry about. Just the waiting is killing me.
I have to stay out of the want ads. Because that will send me over the edge.
I cant even look at what may or may not be available.
I may be alot of things. But lazy isnt one of them. I love to work. I need to work.
Now if I can just get my life on the right track and keep it there. I could keep a job and get promoted and not lose it like I always do.
I am just axious.
I am getting some long term help. Which is something I have been fighting for , for over 2 yrs now.
I am just impatient.
Theres nothing to be sad about or angry about. Just the waiting is killing me.
I have to stay out of the want ads. Because that will send me over the edge.
I cant even look at what may or may not be available.
I may be alot of things. But lazy isnt one of them. I love to work. I need to work.
Now if I can just get my life on the right track and keep it there. I could keep a job and get promoted and not lose it like I always do.
I am just axious.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I would be anxious in your circumstances, too. IMO, it's NORMAL Thing is, we're not used to "normal" stuff. I've always worked...even out on the streets, doing things I'd rather forget, I earned my money.
This is just temporary, sweetie, though I know it seems like forever. Try to keep it in perspective...two weeks compared to how many years of using? When you look back on it, it will just be a little road bump on recovery road.
I KNOW it's hard now, and that doesn't really help, but I'm trying!!!
I could send you Elvis to entertain you...darned cat just tried to eat my bbq sandwich, then jumped on the laptop and had my computer doing all KINDS of crazy stuff while I was trying to type this....grrrrrrrr.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I would be anxious in your circumstances, too. IMO, it's NORMAL
Thing is, we're not used to "normal" stuff. I've always worked...even out on the streets, doing things I'd rather forget, I earned my money.This is just temporary, sweetie, though I know it seems like forever. Try to keep it in perspective...two weeks compared to how many years of using? When you look back on it, it will just be a little road bump on recovery road.
I KNOW it's hard now, and that doesn't really help, but I'm trying!!!
I could send you Elvis to entertain you...darned cat just tried to eat my bbq sandwich, then jumped on the laptop and had my computer doing all KINDS of crazy stuff while I was trying to type this....grrrrrrrr.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Awww. If it weretn for my baby kitties I would lose it for real. My baby kitty is always following me around. I dont like it much when I am in the bathroom tho. She wants to get all close and personal when I am trying to do my thing. Not a comfortable thing to do. LOL
But she will climb up on my desk and demand my attention and flop her furry butt right in front of me a nod off. Both of them come in and wake me up in the morning rubbing on me and getting in my face purring all loud.
I love my kittys.
I am going to miss them so much when I leave. Good thing is I get a day pass a month after the first month in there. And then it goes to 2 passes and then 2 over night passes a month toward the end.
I am so excited and anxious. This is it people. No more chasing that crap for me. That last time was my last time for real.
But she will climb up on my desk and demand my attention and flop her furry butt right in front of me a nod off. Both of them come in and wake me up in the morning rubbing on me and getting in my face purring all loud.
I love my kittys.
I am going to miss them so much when I leave. Good thing is I get a day pass a month after the first month in there. And then it goes to 2 passes and then 2 over night passes a month toward the end.
I am so excited and anxious. This is it people. No more chasing that crap for me. That last time was my last time for real.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Trish if you are really in the middle of no where, grab one of those kitties and find some place quiet, sit down and STOP!!!!!! Focus on the here & the now, focus on the kitten and its mood, absorb the kittens mood........ relax and SLOWLY say the serenity prayer focusing upon each word. Accept that in its own time the IOP & the sober living will come, just be quiet and relax, focus on today and what you can do today, not what you can't.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by Aysha 
I have spent alot of time on FB and see all these people I grew up with that have a real life. Good jobs, a family and just are living like they should be.
Just remember that there's a long road ahead of you. Amy's right about keeping it in perspective. I drank for 27 years, my life wasn't going to get better overnight after 1/2 a lifetime spent screwing it up.
I had to start my life over almost 5 years ago at the age of 41. It was like wiping a chalkboard clean. I had no idea and didn't believe I'd be where I'm at today, but I can tell you for sure that it just keeps getting better, and there's no end in sight to how good my life can be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Sometimes calling the AA hotline can help in figuring out a way to get you to a meeting, Perhaps there is someone near you that you might be able to carpool with? I am sure you have already checked this out but in case you have not try Alcoholics Anonymous Hotlines in New York State
remember for anyone that is having a crisis and really needs to talk to someone there is always help 24 hours a day available at 1-800-273-TALK (not affiliated with AA)
remember for anyone that is having a crisis and really needs to talk to someone there is always help 24 hours a day available at 1-800-273-TALK (not affiliated with AA)
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am not o much focused on what I cant do. And I dont expect my life to change over night. I am not that delusional.
I am just ready to get this show on the road. I am impatient. Sitting around with nothing to do and no one to talk to is wearing on me mentaly and emotionaly.
As far as FB goes. It just makes me mad at myself for what I have done with my life for so long.
I have no doubt I can get to where I want to be. When I get my life on the right path and stay there. Its more like a "What do you say when someone asks you what you been up to all these years" Kinda thing. You know what I mean?
There is nothing even remotely close to normal I can answer with.
My answer could only be ...Well I turned into a complete crack addict, hung out in the streets, been to jail, and have done absolutely nothing else.
You know?
Its pathetic.
I am not beating myself up.
It is just me reflecting on my life I chose to destroy up to this point.
I have been going for a walk for the past couple days. Cold as heck out. But whatever. I cant sit in this cracker box anymore.
I am just ready to get this show on the road. I am impatient. Sitting around with nothing to do and no one to talk to is wearing on me mentaly and emotionaly.
As far as FB goes. It just makes me mad at myself for what I have done with my life for so long.
I have no doubt I can get to where I want to be. When I get my life on the right path and stay there. Its more like a "What do you say when someone asks you what you been up to all these years" Kinda thing. You know what I mean?
There is nothing even remotely close to normal I can answer with.
My answer could only be ...Well I turned into a complete crack addict, hung out in the streets, been to jail, and have done absolutely nothing else.
You know?
Its pathetic.
I am not beating myself up.
It is just me reflecting on my life I chose to destroy up to this point.
I have been going for a walk for the past couple days. Cold as heck out. But whatever. I cant sit in this cracker box anymore.
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