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Old 12-11-2009, 04:42 AM
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Red face Hi. I'm new to this

Hi everyone.

This is the first time I have ever opened up online to a vast number of people about what I believe is a drinking problem. And the first time I have shared this with anyone other than my partner (who quite frankly, doesn't get it).

I'm in my mid twenties and have probably had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for ten years. I used to drink heavly at weekends as a teenager, binge drinking, much the same way as my friends did. But, I also started using it as a crutch and have done ever since. I have some chronic physical health problems that are very painful, I also have an anxiety disorder and depression. Ten years ago I used alochol to block these things out. I was the only one of all my friends who had a chronic illness and anxiety disorder so felt that I had a right to use alchohol for 'medicinal' purposes and that my friends had no right to judge me as they had no idea what I was going through.

However, regardless of what they think or what right anyone has to judge me or not, my alchohol drinking is a problem for me.

As a young teenager I got involved with unpleasant men who treated me pretty badly. During one 18 month relationship I qucikly learnt that alchol would help block out the pain he caused me. To be frank, he abused me, and I used alchohol to numb it. Anyway, for years I have continually used alchohol to numb pain. And now...well, my pain is now only of my own making...my pain of drinking is now outweighing the residual pain of my past and I've had enough. I want to start living a life without pain that I now only blame myself for.

I have joined this site to finally reach out for support from people who won't judge me and who have some understanding of a drinking problem. My partner knows that I drink too much and too often and is tired of constantly seeing me feeling rough and unable to do anything. But he also doesn't seem to grasp the severity of my drinking. He is a regulalr drinker but has far tighter drinking boundries than me. He doesn't have a problem with drinking...he can say 'no', he can say 'how much' and he can stick to a limit. I however, can't say no and can't stop! I have waves of sobriety and have felt great for it, but something happens and I relapse for weeks on end. I am admittedly better than I was in the past, as in the past I never had waves of sobriety and I seem to conitine not giving up trying to get sober. But I feel that this time I need support...I am determined to not be controlled by alchohol. Espeically when I have a partner who says, after I've said I'm not drinking tonight, 'oh, but I bought a speical wine for tonight that I was hoping to share together'. When I have a partner who just doesn't get it and a family who also doesn't have a problem with wine but regualrly have the odd glass and wave it infornt of me, I think I now need support.

So hello....
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Old 12-11-2009, 04:52 AM
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Welcome to SR Burstpeach.

I'm from the Friends and Family side, but others will be along soon who have been where you are.

Meanwhile, take a read around and know you are not alone here.

And excuse the repairs, we are undergoing an upgrade and should be back to normal soon.

Hugs
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:21 AM
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Welcome to SR burstpeach, smart move seeing that the beast as I call my alcoholism can not be controlled alone, I tried for many years, stopping entirely and drinking again, controling my drinking and once again having it get out of control! The last 5 years of my drinking I had crossed an invisible line, I did not draw a sober breath in 5 years, most of the time I drank even though I did not want to, but because I had to in order to not get sick and to be able to function.

When I was being medically detoxed they told us repeatedly that if we wanted a chance to stay sober we should go to at least 90 AA meeting in 90 days and get a sponsor.

Well when I got out of detox knowing I did not have a clue how to stay sober and was desperate to not return to being a drunk any more I listened to them. I went to AA & I got a sponsor........ I listened to the suggestions given to me and I took all actions suggested as well.

It still over 3 years later amazes me what a difference it makes in staying sober when it is "WE" staying sober together rather then trying to stay sober alone.

Knowing I am not alone, knowing that there are other alcoholics who drank like I did and have been sober many years, having these people share with me how they stayed sober.

Why not check out some either ladies only AA meetings or beginners meetings.

Hey look I know deep inside the fear of going to that first meeting, but today I also know that every single person in the rooms of AA today overcame that fear, and trust me you will find any fear you have of going to your first AA meeting to be unfounded before the first meeting is even over.

What do you have to loose? Some drinking time?

What do you have to gain? Possibly sobriety and peace and serenity in your life that you never even dreamed possible?
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Old 12-11-2009, 05:50 AM
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Thanks Tazman53.

I have already decided to go to an AA meeting. The problem with going every day is health problems. I recently had to quit my job because getting into work everyday proved impossible as my medication wasn't reliably controlling my symptoms. I'm currently having some health invesitgations to find some more suitable medication.

However, I will still go to meetings...just need to plan medication. I have found a womens only and beginners meeting nearby which, once back from staying with my partners family, I will go to. I am looking forward to sharing my experiences with people who won't judge and who will understand. I am too ashamed to talk with my family, and my partner has a naive belief that I just need to 'cut down'. I think he wants that for more selfish reasons; he enjoys fine wine like a fine chocolate and he enjoys sharing it...with me. What he doesn't seem to understand is that I drink to numb my feelings and thoughts and can't just drink it to enjoy fine tastes. I just want alchohol regardless of what it tastes like! I look forward to being able to be open, honest and accepted. And to go without people from my life coming with me...to take ownership of my problems and therefore feel more empowered.

Simply joining this site and reading a few posts has given me more strength and simply voicing my thoughts about those around me has helped me understand my situation and contributory factors that help sustain my probolem.

Although I won't be going to a meeting for a few weeks I will continue to use this site and report on how I manage with staying with a family who all actively encourage drinking. One more positive aspect of my visit is that one family member I will be visiting is an alcoholic and seeing him acts as a fresh reminder of why i no longer want a relationship with alcohol.

Although Christmas is perhaps one of the more trying times for me to quit drinking...it will also be the most successful...if you get what I mean...if I conquer it that is.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:04 AM
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Welcome burstpeach..glad you found us! I can relate to how your partner doesn't really 'get it'. I have the same thing here...he's asked, 'so, when are you gonna drink again?' Of course, this is my fault, and I know that. I'm hesitant to make it sound really serious and dire to him. I figure if I can quit without much drama, all the better. We've had some great times drinking together, and I think he would be a little sad to think that that part of our lives is over, but he doesn't see drinking through my eyes. He can handle it normally, and I...not so much.

Anyway...just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone and with work and resolve, I'm sure you can have the sober life you're looking for!! Best of luck to you..hope to see more of your posts!
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:12 AM
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Welcome Burstpeach. I do relate to your fear and sense of hopelessness and helplessness. I've been there. My life was total hell before I got sober and I tried everything I could think of to stop and none of it worked. I came into AA when I was in my twenties and it is a good thing I did. I doubt if I would have lived to 30 otherwise. I have now been sober for 25 years thanks to the way of life I got from AA. I encourage you to go to AA and take it in like your life depends on it - if you are truly alcoholic then it possibly does. I wish you all the best, and I hope you stick around here, as well. This can be a beginning of a whole new life for you.
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Old 12-11-2009, 06:31 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

I am glad that you recognize that you need to take action and deal with your addiction.

It's very hard for families and friends to understand how difficult it is for us, so that's a good reason to keep reading and posting here.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by mirage View Post
Welcome burstpeach..glad you found us! I can relate to how your partner doesn't really 'get it'. I have the same thing here...he's asked, 'so, when are you gonna drink again?' Of course, this is my fault, and I know that. I'm hesitant to make it sound really serious and dire to him. I figure if I can quit without much drama, all the better. We've had some great times drinking together, and I think he would be a little sad to think that that part of our lives is over, but he doesn't see drinking through my eyes. He can handle it normally, and I...not so much.

Anyway...just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone and with work and resolve, I'm sure you can have the sober life you're looking for!! Best of luck to you..hope to see more of your posts!
Glad I'm not alone. Am I correct in understanding that you still drink then but not as much or have you gone down the sober route?

I've tried many times to cut down and have managed it for preiods of time, but then it gradually gets out of control again...I drink way too much with a "what the hell" mentally, and thinking that "it's just for tonight" and then the next day I feel really rubbish so drink small amounts throughout the day to stave off the hangover and then think I'm fine by night and drink loads, to find that the next morning I feel even worse....a downward spiral. Each time I've drunk too much it hasn't been a one off...I've gone down the same downward spiral and then gradually ween myself off it again, stay sober for a few days, drink again and go down the same route. I'm at the stage where tomorrow I'll be weened off alchohol again and this time I think my only option is staying sober. This is perhaps the first time in my life where I think that that may actually be my only option as clearly moderation isn't something I have ever achieved.

Someone else mentioned whether I am truely an alcholic...I don't know if this makes any sense or is possible, but I think that my addiction is psychological more than physical as there are days when I can not drink.

Anyway, thank you for replies.
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:02 AM
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Welcome to the site


[QUOTE=burstpeach;2457001]
However, regardless of what they think or what right anyone has to judge me or not, my alchohol drinking is a problem for me.

QUOTE]


We're judged every day by our actions. A DUI or two can get you long term judgement placed against you. Getting fired from a place of employment for drinking, can cause a problem with future employment.


Reading your post you've admitted you've a problem with drinking. Took me many years to admit and accept, drinking was a real problem for me.
I'd suggest trying AA it's made my life enjoyable!
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:05 AM
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burstpeach there are many alcoholics who are not physically addicted to it, here is the take many in AA have about whether one is an alcoholic or not:

It is not how much, how long, or how often one drinks that can determine if they are an alcoholic or not, it is what happens to us when we drink.

A normal drinker may go into a bar, drink half a drink and leave, not me!!! The first thing on my mind as I am drinking that first drink is the second, the third, etc.

I have not had a drop in over 3 years and can honestly say I could care less if I ever have another drink again, but as odd as it sounds if I see some one leave a half a glass of wine or half a mixed drink, there is still a part of me that views leaving a half a drink to waste as sacrilige!!! Leave a half glass of anything else is no big deal!!

The only time I may have left a half a glass of any booze was if I passed out before I could finish it! LOL

The hardest thing I ever had to learn was that it was always the first drink that got me drunk, not the 10th or 15th, but the first one!!!

All I have to do to stay sober is to NEVER have that first drink, because if I have one it is too many, if I have 10-15 it is not enough.
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:37 AM
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peach> "Glad I'm not alone. Am I correct in understanding that you still drink then but not as much or have you gone down the sober route?"

I quit 27 days ago. Feels great, but I'm just doing it a day at a time..really living in the moment and not looking ahead or contemplating "forever". It's intimidating. I don't think I was physically addicted to it much either. I had a headache for a couple days, but that's it. Not sure why...I was drinkin a lot of beer.

Sobriety has been so much better for me than moderation. I was so sick of thinking about it all the time. i.e. "What's today? If today is Wednesday and I drank on Monday, then if I drink tonight, but not tomorrow...that'll make it only 4 times this week, which is better than last week...." yada yada.... It sucks. Now it's just not an option, and I think about it much less. I'm slowly getting out the "habit" of drinking at night...it gets easier. Oh, I have my moments...but again..just trying to commit to today. I look at it as something that's new and exciting..I've never been a non-drinker! And oh man, are the mornings nicer!! I'm excited for you, too! Good luck!
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:57 AM
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[QUOTE=mirage;2457098

I quit 27 days ago. Feels great, but I'm just doing it a day at a time..really living in the moment and not looking ahead or contemplating "forever". It's intimidating. I don't think I was physically addicted to it much either. I had a headache for a couple days, but that's it. Not sure why...I was drinkin a lot of beer.

Sobriety has been so much better for me than moderation. I was so sick of thinking about it all the time. i.e. "What's today? If today is Wednesday and I drank on Monday, then if I drink tonight, but not tomorrow...that'll make it only 4 times this week, which is better than last week...." yada yada.... It sucks. Now it's just not an option, and I think about it much less. I'm slowly getting out the "habit" of drinking at night...it gets easier. Oh, I have my moments...but again..just trying to commit to today. I look at it as something that's new and exciting..I've never been a non-drinker! And oh man, are the mornings nicer!! I'm excited for you, too! Good luck![/QUOTE]

I can really relate to what you're saying. I too am struggling with the prospect of never having a drink again and am trying not to concern myself with it. I'm more concerned with this weekend, how am I going to handle not drinking.

The thing that I do find as motivation is the mornings after not drinking! I can actually get up, feel bright eyed and motivated. Unlike this week where I've spent every day infront of the tv wishing for sleep to escape the discomfort of a hangover. Another motivating factor is to be a better person...someone who can get up and contribute to society, fullfill my potential and to be a decent girlfriend.

From past exeprience I know it gets easier...it's just that this time I don't want to allow myself a single drink, whereas in the past, I've often had the odd drink...but as I said before, that doesn't last and I go down the same drunken route. I fear I may find this time much harder...knowing that I am forbidding myself even one drink!! But that fear is precisely what lets me know that I have problem!

27 days is impressive...I haven't manged that for years. I look forward to being able to say the same in 27 days time!!
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:29 PM
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Welcome to SR burstpeach

It's difficult when friends and family don't get it - but thats when we here come into our own - you'll find a lot of support here

D
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:48 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 12-11-2009, 09:02 PM
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Welcome to a great family! (humble too!) I'm glad you found us. The support and understanding is wonderful. Congrats on deciding to live a sober life.
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Old 12-11-2009, 09:58 PM
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Glad to know you are seeking a sober future...
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