Big changes...
 

Hey there everyone. It's been a while since I've been on the boards but I've had a life changing experience 2 weeks ago and things really have been changing for me!
I was in a severe, highway speed head on collison 2 weeks ago. I wont go into details, but it involves one death, burnt vehicles, acts of heroism and me being pulled from a burning vehicle with a broken spine. Talk about intense.
I am so lucky to be alive. Things kind of suck right now, as I am in quite a bit of pain, and cannot move around much without having to lay down, in a back brace all day, but hey, I'm alive!...and not in a wheelchair!...and will recover!!
While I was in the hospital I was thinking about what I was doing to myslef before the collision. Just going through life on cruise control, drinking too much, not taking good care of myself....not appreciating my body or my health. Not appreciating my wife and kids as much as I should have been.
All I want to do now is be able to run....go for long walks. Play with my kids...go to the gym. I'm going to use my body and take care of it, and never take my health for granted again!
Since the accident, my attitude towards drinking has changed so much. I no longer have the urge to get drunk. I am appreciating the little things in life, such as waking up with a clear head. Having conversations with my wife and remembering them the next day. Helping my kids with their homework and not getting frustrated or anxious because all I want to do is drink.
A few things I've been doing differently are reading alot. I've been reading books and websites such as thesimpledollar.com, which are all about self improvement through proper spending and budgeting. Also I've been writing a journal on my thoughts and feelings. Focusing on saving the money I would have spent on beer/nights out on a family vacation to the caribbean.
I dont want to sound like I'm preaching here, but if anyone is reading this...I just want you guys to remember that you only have one life. And things can change in the blink of an eye.....literally. Grab life by the horns and live it fully!
Take care of yourselves and thanks for letting me talk!

Thanks, mmeat. You're so right - only one life. I've spent so much of mine not really participating - being numb, just phoning it in. Looking back, I have no idea why I felt the need to do that to myself. Now I'm learning and feeling things I should've dealt with many years ago.

I'm happy for you that you've come to this realization & can set things straight in your life. Stay in touch & let us know how it's going for you.

Great post mmeat. I'm sorry about the accident and hope you're physically feeling better soon! :)

Wonderful post. I think we take so much for granted.....till something happens.......I am happy you are seeing that and getting a second chance with things. You are blessed. I need to learn from your post.

You are blessed to be alive. I'm glad you are going to be living a sober life now. Living sober is the way to go.

hi mmeat
like you, I hope this is the incident that turns the rest of your life around.

Don't confuse this wake up call, however tragic, with recovery tho - it's a motivation but don't rest easy - keep working at it, mmeat...I've fallen for that trap many times myself

good luck
D

Hi mmeat,

Sorry about your accident - very sorry - and glad to hear about your commitment to life. Dee's right, however.

Early in my sobriety I accidentally took aspirin - I'm allergic - and had to be intubated and received the last rites. I came out of the hospital a week later invigorated with a new spirit and commitment to living fully.

Eventually that wore off and I had to immerse myself in my chosen path of recovery in order to maintain my recommitment to life. Hold on fully to your spirit and keep strong. The motivation you have now can lead to bigger and better things!

Great to hear your story and hope to hear more - for years to come.

Mike

Thanks for your advice guys. I will do my best to stay on track and keep vigilant about staying sober and living life to it's fullest :)

Good call Dee. You nailed 'er on the head. :( I was feeling so good and after a couple of weeks felt I deserved to have some drinks. Well we all know how that goes.

Now this week I've been drinking more nights than not, and I'm wondering what the heck happened and how did I lose control so fast??

I feel so lost right now.. I realize now that I am powerless over that first drink. I have one, I might as well have 10. The last 2 nights in a row I've drank till passout and have waken up super early sweating.....forgetting what I did the night before...scared for my health...

I have a broken back yet here I am sitting here drunk again, instead of in bed recovering. I felt so good those first few weeks....knowing I was hurt, but willing to be healthy and recover. Now I'm just a drunk ass waiting to pass out.

I know I'm ranting now....but it feels good to get it off my chest. I felt so normal for a while and it was amazing..........but now I am filled with shame/self hate/....just plain hopelessness........................... All I want for Christmas is to wake up feeling great and to live in the moment and not be hungover and hating life.................................for my beautiful childrens sake. I Notice that i don't have alot of patience for parenting when I'm drinking.
FML.

Time to give up this crap and to start living I think.

Thanks for listening guys.
Steve

I'm sorry Steve.
I've been there, thats all.

It's insidious, this thing - gets you when you're low, and when you're riding high.

It really is that first drink that's the problem man - that...and accepting that we just can't drink without putting everything else in the toilet.

Do whatever you need to do to make tomorrow Day One mate - see your Dr, get some counselling, sit on SR, go to a meeting...whatever it takes.

Get back on the right road and have a Merry Christmas :)
D

Thanks so much Dee. It sure is nice to talk to people who understand. Here I am about 7 hours later...slightly hungover( had the good sense to have a glass of water every couple of beers)......but feeling good about not taking that first drink tonight.
Day 1 here I come. I think I'll go join the December group.
:Xmasestar

They're a good bunch.
Good to have you back, Steve :)

D

keep at it man, it just might be the most important thing you ever do for your kids. My kids had 2 drunks as parents til they were grown, and now have a messed up coping skill tool box, go figure. I hated the idea of AA when I came here, but I was determined to do what ever it took to find a way free of the utter despair and shame I found myself in. I enjoy AA and SR now daily, and I am almost a year sober now. I live in the Light. All that I wanted when I quit drinking was to quit drinking, but I have found a life fantastic.

This is not what we mean by powerlessness. . . I wish I had better news for you, but you are probably going to die from this. Despite every intention you have to stay sober, you will most likely fail.

So what are you going to do?

I think as usual Dee nailed it! Nobody here has a crystal ball so a prediction of death is unnecessary. I am a true believer in the human spirit and have little doubt that you can achieve sobriety if it is really what you seek. Take care of your body and mind.

Thanks guys...I appreciate your words. basIam, your post scares me, but it's really making me think about alot of things.
What am I going to do? Well for one thing I'm going try to stop drinking. Next thing I think I'll do is talk to a counsellor about my problems. I really need to stop my self destructive behavior. :(

I think that many of us have this self-destructive behaviour because we have low self-esteem. It was easy for me to continue to poison myself with alcohol, because I really didnt like myself enough to care about it. I had to reconnect with my spiritual self and work on liking myself.

I'm glad you're stopping drinking and going to see a counsellor.

Hey Steve
 

Nice name BTW!

It sounds like you are in a spot where you don't have a lot of mobility. I would suggest when you can, get to a meeting ASAP. Then go every day until you haven't drank for 96 years.

In the meantime maybe the Joe/Charlie or Bob D talks will help you:
Joe And Charlie Big Book Adventure

Bob D: How to Recover from a Spiritual Malady

These talks really opened the door to my recovery. I require all my sponsees listen to the Joe/Charlie. I could talk till I'm blue in the face, or read to them from the book, which we still do. But, although hard to accept, these guys do a much much better job of it than I could ever do. OK I said it...ouch! lol

Take care bro. Don't beat yourself up anymore. It won't do you any good.

Thanks everyone! I know I can do it. I was thinking about basIam's post-----"I wish I had better news for you, but you are probably going to die from this. Despite every intention you have to stay sober, you will most likely fail."------
I can't help but feel that was a little uncalled for. I've been on SR for a few months and see people who post with stories of ruined lives.....no jobs....on crack/heroin...desperation at it's worst. These people get positive feedback, support and positivity. Just like I do with most everyone replies to my situation( THank you) But to tell me I`m going to likely fail and die! Thanks.

51anna....thanks for your post about self esteem. I`ve never really thought about it before, but I`m sure there is most likely issues there. Parents divorced...dad was a drunk( although a nice enough guy)...


Funny thing is I have an amazing wife, who is my best friend..amazing children..great friends and co-workers who all like me. Get along very well with all my bosses. Yet I don`t really like myself very much.

I have no idea why.