ClosetExtrovert

You sound so happy and excited! I'm hoping it is all you want and need. xxox

Aysha

I just found out my father is bringing his wife.
What for? I cant stand that B****.
I am so freakin mad right now.

Aysha

You know what?
I will deal with it.
I am not going for her or my dad or anyone.
This is my deal today.
I am scared as all heck. I am shaking and cant stop. I go in 1 hour and I am scared they wont let me in. And at the same time I am scared they will.
Does that make sense?
I will let you all know what happened when I get back. I feel like I am going to get sick.

Carol Star

My sponser gave me an affirmation; "I will get through this with grace and ease." I heard a song that said "be like water" -just go with the flow. This all sounds positive for you. Try not to let your brain go to that negative loop. Stay in gratitude and trust. My therapist helped me get out of the two things that kept me stuck....being stuck in victim.....and being stuck in being a judge. I think HP is opening doors for you. He did it for me!!

grateful2b

((((Trish)))

Its okay to be terrified...breathe through it..
my spirit and prayers go with you, sweetie...

Aysha

Well, I dont know what to think about that interview.
She said I may be more suited for a MICA program which deals with mental and addiciton. They dont deal with mental issues like I have been diagnosed with. I have to call her tomorrow and see what they think after goin gover my paperwork.
I dont think I will get in.
But the program looks good. Its a nice big house. Theres only one other woman right now. I guess they have been ahving problems with people coming in for like 2 weeks and leaving. So that has an unstable feel for the residents. So thats their main concern too.
But the schedule is cool. You go to IOP most of the day and are required to go to a meeting everyday. Which they catch the bus to.
Curfew is 10pm. You are expected to follow a schedule. And they have different phases as far as how much freedom and priveldges you get.
If I dont get in and they dont refer me to another house.
I am going to see if IOP will let me come back. They have a van that will pick me up everyday and bring me home. I am not going to work for that time and just focus on recovery. Or maybe just a PT job after a month or so.
I cant just not do nothing again.
I dont have to have it my way either.
I am ready for whatever help I can get now.
I cant go back out there again.
I am still nervous.
I am scared they wont let me in. Then I am scared of going.
I am a mess.

grateful2b

((Trish)) you are in a good place, I don't see any blocking here
stay open, know that your HP knows what you need and what is in your heart. You have done all the right things. Hand this over and let your HP sort out the details, and breathe...try to relax and do something nice for you....praying that the right doors open for you

Impurrfect

((Trish)) - breathe, sweetie. At least THIS time you don't have to worry about getting turned down or denying you.

This is when we just have to believe that what needs to happen....will, whether we understand it or not. Too many things have happened in MY life that I was thinking "WTF?" at the time, then later could see that there was a reason it had to happen that way.

As far as your dad's wife, maybe this is part of a lesson you're having to learn...that she is a part of his life and you're going to have to learn to deal with it? Don't mean to sound harsh, but we've all got people in our lives we don't wanna deal with. It comes down to this - is your dad important enough to put up with her? Is she THAT bad that you want to risk the relationship with him? You already know this, sweetie, and you've been doing it to some extent.

I guess what I'm saying is focus on the good..like "YEAH!! My dad is coming...he's there for me!!! and she's coming with him

Oh, and BTW, I'd be a bit terrified of all this "unknown", too..excited, scared, etc. - that's why I say "breathe" and keep coming here.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

That bad thinking is creeping in. You know that thinking that says I dont need to go to those lengths to get better. That I can do it another way and still have it my way. LOL
Boy, this **** never seems to amaze me.
In the back of my mind I am hoping I dont get in. But more of me is saying I need and want it.
I am just really scared. I am just stuck waiting now. Cant look for a jo, cant make any moves until I know what they say.
Mayeb tomorrow they will know. Maybe not. If they dont have an answer tomorrow, I am going to go ahead and see if I can get into IOP on my own. Still with the rules to comply in order to keep my benefits and to get going in this recovery. Its been 3 weeks now. And nothign has happened. I cant even get anywhere.
I am so stressed out.
I am trying to take it easy as best I can. Didnt sleep at all last night. Mind racing. It was so not worth it. Why did I even go?
This sux.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) the HARDEST part of my recovery has been the times I've been in limbo. Like right now..I'm suing workmen's comp - just found out that they are saying I don't have PTSD because I'm still able to work (thanks to MY dr. treating me because they wouldn't!!). I was told, by my lawyer to be looking for another job as I will have to leave this one...been doing that but have to stay at present job. Still doing my other job, too, as well as school.

All that's fine, but now I'm stuck. Can't really get another full time job while holding onto the present one, don't know if I will get a settlement or if I sued for nothing. In the meantime, I'm stuck at a job where I'm not making much money and I can't leave it, just in case, they DO settle.

I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and it's driving me crazy. HOWEVER, I know that this is all happening for a reason. I've been down this road before...time and time again and it's only in hindsight that I can see why. It's like HP has to keep giving me this lesson to learn, over and over and over, because I just can't get it!!!

I know I'm doing the right thing, and so are you...you know it. This has NOT been a waste, things just aren't going as fast as you or I would like. WE want instant gratification. Sweetie, 3 weeks is not much time at all, when you really think about it. Think of the YEARS you've been smoking that evil crap.

Believe me, I feel ya....boy, do I feel ya! Don't let the impatience win out...trust that what needs to happen is going to happen, and do what you need to do for your recovery. Take it from me...though I haven't been through the exact same situation, I've been in that "limbo" spot way too many times. It has ALWAYS worked out for the best when I finally just realized that I can't make things happen in my time and I find something to keep me occupied (and clean) in the meantime.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

Thx Amy. Your right. I think I am just really scared more than anything. Moving into a house with a bunch of people I dont know. And its for 6 to 9 mos. Have to follow their schedule. No phone or visits the first month or so. Having to ask to go anywhere and all that stuff. Having to take a bus every night to a meeting in the next town. Which in total will be like 3 and a half hours on the bus, meeting and back. Only one other woman there. Cant smoke. I am just whining. I know. But I am scared of just leaving home. I know thats what it is. I feel safe here. I have never moved out before. I need to. Geez, I am 34 yrs old and never moved out. Thats pathetic.
I get worried about my gram and how she is going to handle this. Her being alone in this house by herself at night. Especially since she is forgetting things and her health isnt 100%. I am always obsessing about her getting hurt or dieing.
I worry about her not being able to pay all the bills by herself. I mean I screw up every few months. But she hasnt had to pay all of them all the time. Maybe a month here and there.
I just hope I get an answer tomorrow. I know what your all saying. But it still doesnt make it stop. LOL
Thx for talking to me , especially when you have alot goin on yourself.
I will be ok. I just have to be patient. LMAO!!! Thats something we addicts lack alot of.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I know you're scared, and I would be, too. I understand you worrying about Gram, but I think your family will keep a close eye on her. You'd be surprised at how people can "step up to the plate" when we have to step out of the way.

I had to live in the diversion center for almost 5 months. I was in custody, could only go to work or community service and had to pay rent. We WERE allowed to smoke, but only on "smoke breaks". We had to get up at 4:30 a.m. and weren't allowed back to bed until 10pm. No naps, except on weekends, and I had to work. I'm SURE sober living is a heck of a lot better than that At least you won't have to be saying "attention" every time you see a correction officer I also had to ride the bus 2-1/2 hours each way to work, and walk through crack town, at 2a.m. almost a mile every night back to the center. Yeah, THAT was fun and safe!! Funny thing was, the d-boys picked me out as "cool" and told me that if "anyone ever F's with you, you let us know...we got your back!" All I'd ever done was say "hey" to them...dressed in my work uniform. I guess because I didn't act scared of them, they figured I was okay?

That's when all our street experience comes in handy....we're tough. We're adaptable. We can adjust to just about anything. Yes, you may end up in a house with people you don't know, but heck, they're in the same position and you're ALL addicts..you've already got something in common!

Besides, I'll be sending you good vibes, all the time

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

FanofJoeMcQ

We haven't posted to each other much. I relate to what you are going thru. After my relapse in 96, I lived in my car. I had no idea what was in front of me. I had to wait to get into the recovery program and qualify for the funding. It was the LONGEST three weeks of my battle back toward a normal life. It worked out. I didn't use or drink.
I waited and thought alot because I wasn't good at praying yet.

Hang on. Miracles do happen in the lives of addicts/alkie. Sending positive thoughts your way.

adore79

Sending good thoughts your way. It'll work out, even if you dont get into the house. You are doing great! hugs and kisses.

Aysha

I know I have it pretty easy compared to most. I have gotten so soft since not hanging in the streets like I use to in Florida. Its been a good 7 yrs since I have been hardcore. Thats a good thing. And thats alot of why I get messed up like I do when I do go out there. I been out of the game so long now. But I am not sorry for that.
I need to remain grateful that I have this chance. After laying and watching tv for a little while. And getting out of my head. I have a sense of determination again. I am going to do whatever it takes to get better.
I feel like I am almost trying to sabotage myself at times.
I know whats going to happen if I am left to do this on my own time. I seriously need some structure. I have never really had that or dicipline ever in my life. It would do me some good. And I am not scared of the people. I am sure they are some nice people, and def in the same boat as me. I just get scared of confrontation. Because I still have alot of work to do with that. And my ego is out of control sometimes. I will be honest and say that I am spoiled. And I get that attitude and persona going alot of times.
I need to just stop.
Bottom line. I better start being thankful for alot fo things instead of whining over dumb things.
I have a great opportunity here and I am already trying to get out of it. I am so sad. I disgust myself.
I know it will be scary. But it will be a good experience. One that will help me grow as a person as well. Not be so self centered. I am very outgoing and can be aggressive at times. But at the same time I can be very very shy and reserved and I get intimidated sometimes in certain situations. And that is real uncomfortable. It makes me nervous.
I never had this kind of anxiety before.
Whatever happens, happens. I hope it is the help I need. I will get use to all that other stuff. Things take time and I know this.
I need to stop being a whiney brat. I will be the first one to admit that.

Impurrfect

awwwww, ((Trish)), you are so wise. I love how you KNOW what is going on, and just talk about it. Sweetie, I was a pretty sheltered person...the streets, jail..all that stuff was totally foreign to me. Other than one DUI, 14 years ago, I'd never been in trouble other than speeding tickets. My time on the streets was relatively short, compared to yours, but I guess I was a fast learner....sigh.

It's okay to be scared. I find myself trying to sabotage myself all the time...I want desperately to get my "old" life back..making good money, have the good job, etc., but when it comes to actually thinking I may GET it, whoa! I've got all KINDS of reasons why I can't. I just push through it..still going to school, put in the applications, etc. There is probably more I could do, but it took me a YEAR to actually start doing the school after I signed up.

I think you're doing great. Yes, I do believe you need the structure. Admitting it is half the battle. Remembering that "your way" almost got you stabbed may come in handy, too. I don't want you going back out, so do what you gotta do, sweetie, okay?

Oh, and as far as having it "easier" than others? In some ways, I think you have it harder. It's way too easy for you to go out and use, because you DO have a home to come back to, family forgives you, you get another job, etc. For me, I'd have no home, no car, no job..family would detach in a big way. Makes using seem a lot less desirable. JMO.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Lenina

((((Trish)))

Structure is good! I was once in the land of the choiceless and it ended up being the ultimate freedom! I couldn't screw myself up! I had to focus on recovery and was able to give it my full attention. Does that make any sense? I had a schedule planned out for me so I couldn't get side-tracked. I had to attend to the business of getting sober as I didn't have to make any other decisions!

Much love,

Lenina

Aysha

Yea, I guess since you put it that way Amy, I may have it a little harder. It is way too easy for me to just keep doing like I have for years. My family, well my gram will never turn her back on me. And I know this.
I could just float through my life going from job to job not ever becoming fully responsible for anythign. But where is that going to leave me when my gram is gone?
I dont want to be like that anyway. I am tired of being dependent on others. I know I can be independent and take care of myself. I ams cared as hell to do it. But I know I could. I really need to cut those apron strings in a big way.
I told the lady today at the house that I am tired of living like a teenager. LOL
Not really funny.
My gram is getting older and she cant do things like she use to.
I have been doing alot around the house for her since I been home.
Stuff I normally dont do. I scrubbed the kitchen, doing my own laundry, dishes and even cooking dinner. I did some of that stuff sometimes. But I have stayed on top of it pretty good for a couple weeks now. Thats so sad to think I am 34 and I act like I do. I seriously am like a teenager.
I read the house handbook. And theres alot of stuff you have to do. They require you to be involved in alot. Meeting sober people even outside the house. And you are required to go and spend time with an outside person at least twice a week.
A sponsor and meetings are required. A different resident plans the menu every week. You have to have 2 peers speak on yur behalf in order to move up a phase. Which gives you more freedom and priveledges.
Actually, As scared as I am. I am sorta excited about being involved with something. Like belonging somewhere. Having a life outside of home, work and drugs. Making friends, and sober ones at that.
I get nervous thinking about actually going. But when I think of the benefits of doing it. And what I can get from this experience. It isnt so scary. Nothing is as scary as thinking I am going to die an addict or get killed out there or locked up for a long time.
I dont think my interview went well though. They are concerned that I have left treatment before. And all those times I dropped out of IOP. And the mental issues too. And they know I have anger issues. But I am not like some disrespectful maniac. I can keep my composure. I am not mean or disrespectful. I try to be friendly and I am def outgoing. And you cant get me to shut up once I come out of my shell.
But I am so quiet and stone faced upon the first meeting. Idont know. I guess I will find out tomorrow. Thx everyone. I know I am probably getting annoying with this thread. But you already know my deal. I need to just think aloud sometimes. And the feedback is a bonus. But not required. But very appreciated.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) you are NOT annoying! I get a lot from you talking about how you feel, becaues you bring out a lot of my own feelings that I sometimes stuff down.

Whatever happens, whether you get in the house or not, it is meant to be. I know that's one of those trite statements that used to bug the hell out of me, but my experience has shown it's true. At one point, I had the money to move out..was checking out apts., was ready to go, but couldn't find an apt. thanks to the felony that was still on my record. Six weeks later, I was hospitalized with an MRSA infection and had to stay out of work for a month with no money - I would have had to move right back home. That's just one incidence. The job I do (merchandising) - I was going to do it full time, but my gut said that may not be a good idea and I didn't want to give up the insurance at my other job. Three months ago, we lost 3 major accounts, and I now only get to work every other month.

Trust that what happens is HP, or someone looking out for your best interests, no matter who it is. Your part is just doing the right things. Go ahead and try to get into IOP. If they turn you down, check into the MICA thing they mentioned. Be grateful that you now are under pressure to do right. When I was on probation, the thought that I would go to prison if I screwed up, had a huge impact on me when my thoughts started to go astray. I NEEDED that threat, for a while.

Think of all the stress Gram and your dad (and the rest of your family) won't have, knowing you are working at getting better. They may not always show it, but believe me, they feel it.

You have it in you, I know you do. Sure, you have anger issues. My niece is the same way. But I've been working with her, from what I've learned here at SR, along with my dad, who ALSO has anger issues, and I've seen progress in both of them. I first had to work on ME, then set boundaries and it's helped. By being around people who set boundaries with you, you'll be amazed at how different you can be.

I see such wonderful opportunities ahead for you, whether or not you get into the sober living house, just because you are being forced to do something. It took ME getting forced to do something (I had to, or I couldn't live at home) and even with what my life is going through, I'm still off way better than I used to be.

I have faith in you, sweetie. I always have. You're more than welcome to borrow some of that faith until you find it in yourself.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy