drugs of choice
 

It started with just smoking a solid joint and drinking (usually cider and lager, sometimes MD 2020, or vodka) when I was 12....by the time I was 15 I'd tried E's and was drinking every weekend and sometimes during school (i wouldn't get drunk at school)...at 18 or 19, i was using coke and drinking everyday except Monday (dont remember why just didn't)...I wasn't always drunk, sometimes just tipsy, or just nothing really....I was injected with heroin when I was 19 by my now ex, but it was a one off, we were both into coke more then heroin...I no didn't drink cider (most pubs I went to wouldn't surve me cider cause I got violent) so I drank vodka and lager and shots of anything....when i wasn't using coke or solid I was taking painkillers to an excessive amount (basically over the 8 a day)...I stopped using and taking tablets when I was 27/28 for a few months, I cut down drinking and would only drink friday and/or Saturday occassionaly during the week but it was one or two not like I was...then in the October of 2008 my friend was busted for dealing coke and started using my place to cut up....then it escalated, I started using again, I didn't pay for it, I started dealing in it, I would often have over 3grams of coke in my house, in the january i knew that I was getting deeper into the ****, i wasn't just a user, but my habit had meant to fund it, I sold it...so I decided to move away, I had gone back to drinking everynight, not always getting drunk.....

I finally managed to move away in october last year....within 3 months of moving I was using heroin, and I have been since, I was using coke, and I was drinking at least 70cl of vodka a day, I have had a few days where I've not drank or used because I've been so ill but in the last few weeks, I've started using wizz (speed), vodka and heroin (I smoke a joint now and again, but not loads)...I've cut back using coke and replaced it with wizz....I know what i'm doing, but i don't understand why I've hit this massive destructive button that as my drug worker said, the use of all 3 will give me heart problems because of what the drug does, she told me that what i'm doing has a high risk of OD'in...so why doesn't that get thru to me, why am i so stuck and convienanced that i'm "indestructable".....

I am getting worse, and more dangerous with what i'm doing and I've no idea how to stop, or even cut back...its like there is 2 sides to me, one moment I can be "right" that's it, no more...then someone else says "go on, its only once you can stop tomorrow..." and I listen...i don't challenge, i don't do anything, just give in...

I don't even know what the point of this post is...I wouldn't say I'm addicted as such to the drugs, but I am it seems addicted to anything that will cause me harm and is dangerous....I can't just have one drink anymore, I can't just use coke, I can't just use wizz and I can't just heroin...I have to keep pushing/testing to see how far I can go....and I don't get why I'm doing it, is it because I have su thoughts alot that sub-conciously I know, but on the front of it, I'm conviencing myself i'm not..I honestly don't know...

sorry, just a very confused post....i've no idea anymore.

Have you considered rehab, TKK?

D

My drug of choice is Tylenol. I take two, put the bottle back in the cabinet and don't take anymore until I get a headache again. I don't lose a job, go to jail, lose a relationship or end up in the hospital. It might be helpful to consider what may be your drug of NO choice.

I'm like you, I'm an addict. I've used just about anything I could get my hands on that will put some imaginary distance between me and the pain of failure and the fear of life. Substances. behaviors. it's all the same to me...I don't much care for life and anything that will distract me from that (pretty much by definition self destructive things, because there is nothing I'd like more than to deconstruct myself), was good to me.

Both the substances and behaviors were problems, that caused more problems. I'm an addict, doesn't matter what my current drug of choice is, the problem is that I choose ANY drug at all, rather than face life.

When the drugs stopped working and the behaviors only made life scarier and more miserable, I knew it was stop or die. I couldn't stop on my own. I'm in NA now. I'm clean, but clueless, but the people there promise to talk me through this until I get some clues...and even after that, and learn to deal with life.

I am still scared as crap of life, but I am not facing it alone, and I am not facing it sh*tfaced on any DOC either, I've got a fighting chance.

Yesterday was an f'in horrible day, one of those where I'd usually say "F-it" and go do what I used to go do. They talked me through it. I woke up clear headed this morning, not happy with life and the powers that be, but not p*ssed at myself like I would be had I used.

It may be a small improvement, but it's an improvement.

Today looks like it might be less horrible. When I was using, that was one thing I could count on, that each day would pretty much suck as much as the previous one.

Anyway...if you want to get off the crazy train, you can.

Thats great! You mind if I plagerize :c031:

Yeah, BP, that is great. I'm more of an advil kinda gal, though.

I hope that you seek help for your addiction.