Saphie

Being sober makes people sometimes over analyze reasons why, which is, I believe, one of the reasons we shouldn't make major decisions within the first year of sobriety. But what if, all of a sudden, it hits you that the reason you started abusing alcohol, is because you yourself are being emotionally or otherwise abused and not just a drunk as your abuser keeps telling you. Do you still wait a year or do you try and treat the abuse and the abusing at the same time, even though you are emotionally not strong enough yet?

Anna

Hi,

If you become aware that you are being abused, then in my opinion, you should do whatever you can to stop the abuse.

And, I made major decisions in my first year of sobriety. I made a major geographical move and I also changed jobs.

Aysha

I have been going through so much drama with my cousin and her exbf and how he has abused her mentally and emotionally and has even started to somewhat physically abuse her. I am at my wits end with this crap to be honest because she wants to make excuses for him and defend him and I dont get it.
I agree with Anna. If you think you are being abused. You need o address that issues right away. Emotional abuse IMO can cause longer deeper scars than physical abuse.
I think sometimes people need to make certain big decisions in early recovery in order to keep it. I personaly have never heard that before. Just to not get into a relationship the first year.

Saphie

Thanks to both of you.
I'm still at that stage where I'm questioning everything including myself. Is it - isn't it?
No physical abuse is involved and if I'm honest if I was to talk to anybody in person I probably would, just like your cousin, make excuses. I just started wondering the other day when a family member called me instead, because they were 'scared' in case they got an aggressive reaction. So I did what I thought was best: Turn to SR. Love you guys.

Zencat

If big changes means doing whats necessary to be safe...then its okay to make some big changes for safety's sake.

Aysha

They say emotional abuse is like silent abuse because it goes unnoticed. I have been reading up on this since my cousin got into this mess. She thinks because he isnt beating her ass that he is not abusing her. But he takes some serious anger out on her and "put his hands on her neck" one time and grabbed her arm and dragged her with him. Ok she says he didnt choke her. I am not playing semantics with her when it comes to that. It is all the same to me.
And she told me she shpuldnt have made him mad. Are you serious??!!

Heres a few sites I was reading about emotional abuse. I hope its ok I post these.

Emotional Abuse

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

There are so many. This was just the first 2.

ElegantlyWasted

. Do you still wait a year or do you try and treat the abuse and the abusing at the same time, even though you are emotionally not strong enough yet?"

IMHO a big no. There are places to get the support you need to ge out of the toxic environment you are in. You may be able to double dip both aa and alanon to get a better perspective on what your options really are. Ideally when when is recovery they should be in as neutral a space as possible so you can clarify your own strengths and weaknesses. Staying in an abusive realtionship is not in my HO relavent to the general idea of making major changes. Leaving is part of the beginning of your new journey. Hopefully someone else will chime in with some good ideas as to how to best extract yourself from where you are and clarify the alanon angle.

Dee74

I ditto Anna, Saphie, both on the advice and the fact I made several big decisions and changes the first year.

Have you got real life support and people to talk to as well as us ?

D

Saphie

Thanks Dee and the rest of you.
It's complicated and I need to consider all my options. I'm just grateful I can make sober decisions now and not railroad in a drunken state causing more damage to myself.

Stereosteveo

Please show me some recovery literature that states "we shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year."

My book says "willing to go to ANY length".

Don't let opinions kill your recovery. A sick mind can't heal a sick mind..In fact if you want to have any chance of sorting out the BS from the true message of recovery, you'll need to go by the book.

Best Wishes