Old 11-29-2009, 10:09 AM
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Do you ever manage to regain that sense of care-free F*ck it mentality and joyous sense of something immenently great anticipation feeling that you used to get when finishing work and just stopping by to get your stash in to get blasted? or planning a seshion with pals to get f*cked up?

I am struggling to come to terms with the loss I am feeling at the moment. That loss being booze/drugs. I know I am wallowing in self-pity but dammit I may as well write it out here as that's what this board is surely about no? I am just feeling a sense of mundaness and boredom and the thought of christmas holidays and New years Eve feeling like I am now is really getting to me.

Sometimes i think it would be easier to just say F*ck it and be like most other people in England and just allow drinking back as an option. I am becoming tired of always living for tomorrow and the thought of no-remorse, hangover, no regrets etcetcetc. I want some "buzz" back in my life. I am struggling to see how I can get it.

My personality is that of one which always wants to make a good experience even more intense/better. I am just feeling a sense of loss in most things I am doing. It feels like I have lost my partner in crime and it's starting to p*ss me off.

I know I am projecting but I f*ckin hate christmas and New years eve as the last few have been a F*ckin nightmare of depression and trying to not binge but not being able to deny myself my right to get blasted.

I know these posts might P*ss people off but tbh I am just writing what I'm feeling. I will be attending my Regular AA meeting tomorrow as per usual but even at these although i get praise heaped upon me by many of the lonstanding members when i share and thus appear to be doing really great I still am feeling like I am missing that wild-side of my personality and at 23 I am torn between killing it off. I know you can say you can still be wild without the booze and drugs but like I said before my personality is that of always trying to increase/prolong/intensify an experience so I always feel a sense of loss of a dear part of me. Anyone relate?

Sorry it's not a bed of roses type post but that wouldn't be true to what I'm feeling so B*llocks to that. I suppose at least I am still sober though that's not even sounding so great to me anymore.

This christmas period and listening to everyone I work with talking about going out partying and drinking and generally being happy really is starting to get to me. I know I am an alcoholic so that ain't the problem but at times when i feel like this at weekends I just think WTF.
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:07 AM
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Alcohol must have been more of a friend to you then it was me. Towards the end of my drinking career all it did was complicate things. I am so MUCH MORE happy, carefree, and experience things a lot more deeper and intense then I did while drinking. Drinking numbed every single emotion I had and it caused many, many stupid arguments.

Its not my friend and life IS much better. I wish you luck and pray you find the joy you are seeking elsewhere. The bottle isn't the answer in my opinion.
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:17 AM
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I don't really relate either and I found I didn't like the 'wild side' of my personality at all. It wasn't who I am.

I was so grateful to be able to find some peace in my life.
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:23 AM
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Fairdo's , Gonna give this site a break.
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:35 AM
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Sorry we didn't give you the answer you were seeking.
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Old 11-29-2009, 12:18 PM
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I've posted to you a few times. I think you're in real danger of resenting yourself back there.

You're missing the highs, the buzz? Chasing that dragon draws more than one of us back in - but read your first posts here.

*Thats* what alcohol does.

You're missing excitement and life on the edge? then go live it on the edge - party, play gigs, skydive, scuba, quadbike - whatever...just don't drink and drug.

If you're scared you won't be able to do that without being tempted to drink and drug, then you have more work to do, mate.

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Old 11-29-2009, 12:22 PM
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Neomarxist, I DO understand & relate to what you are saying. I grieved over losing that aspect of my life for a long time. It's what kept me from quitting for many years - I just couldn't face not having it as part of celebrating & unwinding. I also must agree with Horselover, Ann & Dee, though - in the end, it wasn't worth it any more. I was losing my grip on reality. I think it depends how long & how much you drank & how badly it destroyed your life.

The first year when the holidays approached and I couldn't drink I was miserable & filled with self-pity. Knowing this disease was going to kill me - I had no choice but to white-knuckle it through. This year I don't feel miserable, and have found new ways to enjoy the season. I feel for you. I'm glad you're going to your meeting. Please don't stop posting.
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Old 11-29-2009, 01:11 PM
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Yeah i know what you mean thinking back, i guess something you won't want to hear is that honestly i would not have quit at 23, I wouldn't have even sat at a meeting, no way!

I think it is funny to hear people my age, 38, saying that if they could go back to 23 they would have quit and had a great life...hmmm maybe if they were a completely different person with a completely different make up they may have done so!

Personally i had to go through the crap of 20+ years of drinking, hurting myself and everyone around me, sick as f*ck and not knowing what the hell was wrong with me, wasting my time trying to control something that i never could have in the first place, shattered dreams, blah blah consequences galore etc...but you know all what will follow if you stay out there...

One thing i have seen and learned is just cos you walk back into the chaos doesn't mean you got a ticket to get back into sobriety again, so i would talk to my sponsor about this and get on with working the steps...which one are you working at the moment?
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Old 11-29-2009, 01:38 PM
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Hey, neo.

I feel that way at times...I do miss getting drunk...just the fun part, though.

The fun comes with a price I can't afford.

Hanging on is the only thing I can do when that happens and I'm glad to say that as more time passes the less I think about it...the less I want to do it.

I'm a pretty goofy person anyways...I use my humor to get by. I'm optimistic that things will continue to improve...and I know I have to be patient.

Please don't take a break from SR. When you are struggling is when you need to be here the most. Stick it out, neo.
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Old 11-29-2009, 03:17 PM
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The trouble with a bed of roses, is that it's usually full of thorns.

You've been given some excellent support and advice. It's up to you, to use it or not. I wish you peace.
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Old 11-29-2009, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post

My personality is that of one which always wants to make a good experience even more intense/better. I am just feeling a sense of loss in most things I am doing. It feels like I have lost my partner in crime and it's starting to p*ss me off.
You are most assuredly NOT unique. I could have written that just one short year ago.

There is grief involved in getting sober. There was a huge sense of loss for me. At times I still feel it, but much less so, and when I do, I don't get that acute emotional response that used to go with it.

Yea, it took me a while to get it back..... that buzz, sense of anticipation, enthusiasm that accompanied nearly everything I did. But it is coming back... sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly....

What did I do?

I'm very fortunate... I like doing stuff that drinking doesn't have to be a part of.... fishing, hunting, skiing, cycling, whitewater... Like I said, I am very blessed to be able to do those things.... SO I KEPT DOING THEM!!!.... with family, friends, boy scouts and now, sober friends I've made in AA. And I catch glimpses of that dopamine fueled feel good excitement that I used to...

I see you've been struggling with this, Neo... thanx for sharing, this helps everyone, to have this dialogue...

It gets better, it really does.

Are you working a program of recovery?

Hang in there friend.

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