Marijuana Abuse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
Marijuana Abuse
Hello,
I'm here today cause I feel lost and frustrated... I'm not an addict but my husband is. He's been using marijuana for about 20 years, daily and several times a day. He's done in the past also cocaine but that is in the past now for about 10 years...
I've been begging him to stop for almost 13 years... and I've "threatened" him to leave several times but of course I never did. I always get to a point where I say "enough" and talk to him, and cry and beg, and scream, but he NEVER seemed to care enough to go and do something about it... he definitively doesn't want to quit. I know that it's my fault that after all I continue living under this circusmtances for so long, but I can't picture my life without him, and also I'm scared of him going back to old habits and his old life and ending up in a bad place.
I find myself lying all the time trying to justify him in front of my friends, trying to hide his habits... and when we fight I have to deal with this all by myself cause I don't want to tell other people what he really does, not until he decides to do something about it, not until he decides to quit.
I'm scared of bringing people home cause I know it will probably stinks... or worst maybe he will be smoking, and my friends like normal people/women are pregnant or already have kids... We have received complains from the office of the building we live in beacuse of some neighbors... it's always something.
He's been working for himself for almost 4 years so he's most of the time at home, he doesn't have a boss... which means he have all the freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I am the opposite, I'm away from home at least 8 hours a day, sometimes more than that. How can I trust him??? What can I do???
I'm the main income... and it's been like that for years now, but 6 months ago I lost my job and now I'm not making as much but he stills spends all that much money on that... and every day for me is getting harder and harder, cause is affecting my life in every aspect...
Last night for the first time I heard that marijuana abuse can cause loss of fertility... he knew it, I didn't and it really hurt me he never mentioned that when maybe this is causing us not being able to have kids and I'm already 36 years old.
He also smokes cigarettes (a LOT), and sometimes I'm scared for his health cause he coughs nonstop... Of course he won't see a doctor...
I want to help him, and help us... but I don't know how or what to do, I can't even make him read stuff about it, and at the end I feel like I'm enabling him and that is my fault as much as his...
Sorry that this end up being so long... but there's nobody I can talk about this with and I feel really lonely and helpless sometimes...
Thanks,
I'm here today cause I feel lost and frustrated... I'm not an addict but my husband is. He's been using marijuana for about 20 years, daily and several times a day. He's done in the past also cocaine but that is in the past now for about 10 years...
I've been begging him to stop for almost 13 years... and I've "threatened" him to leave several times but of course I never did. I always get to a point where I say "enough" and talk to him, and cry and beg, and scream, but he NEVER seemed to care enough to go and do something about it... he definitively doesn't want to quit. I know that it's my fault that after all I continue living under this circusmtances for so long, but I can't picture my life without him, and also I'm scared of him going back to old habits and his old life and ending up in a bad place.
I find myself lying all the time trying to justify him in front of my friends, trying to hide his habits... and when we fight I have to deal with this all by myself cause I don't want to tell other people what he really does, not until he decides to do something about it, not until he decides to quit.
I'm scared of bringing people home cause I know it will probably stinks... or worst maybe he will be smoking, and my friends like normal people/women are pregnant or already have kids... We have received complains from the office of the building we live in beacuse of some neighbors... it's always something.
He's been working for himself for almost 4 years so he's most of the time at home, he doesn't have a boss... which means he have all the freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I am the opposite, I'm away from home at least 8 hours a day, sometimes more than that. How can I trust him??? What can I do???
I'm the main income... and it's been like that for years now, but 6 months ago I lost my job and now I'm not making as much but he stills spends all that much money on that... and every day for me is getting harder and harder, cause is affecting my life in every aspect...
Last night for the first time I heard that marijuana abuse can cause loss of fertility... he knew it, I didn't and it really hurt me he never mentioned that when maybe this is causing us not being able to have kids and I'm already 36 years old.
He also smokes cigarettes (a LOT), and sometimes I'm scared for his health cause he coughs nonstop... Of course he won't see a doctor...
I want to help him, and help us... but I don't know how or what to do, I can't even make him read stuff about it, and at the end I feel like I'm enabling him and that is my fault as much as his...
Sorry that this end up being so long... but there's nobody I can talk about this with and I feel really lonely and helpless sometimes...
Thanks,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi Carla
Welcome to SR.
As someone who was a heavy pot smoker, cigarette smoker and alcoholic for 20 years, I can only say the motivation needs to be internal...the addict needs to want to change....as you've seen, external pressure just doesn't work or doesn't last.
I think a read around our Family and Friends forums would be useful to you as well.
You'll find many people there, as well as here, who have experience with a loved one being addicted to something.
Your concern for your husband is natural but please - look at your own welfare too.
D
Welcome to SR.
As someone who was a heavy pot smoker, cigarette smoker and alcoholic for 20 years, I can only say the motivation needs to be internal...the addict needs to want to change....as you've seen, external pressure just doesn't work or doesn't last.
I think a read around our Family and Friends forums would be useful to you as well.
You'll find many people there, as well as here, who have experience with a loved one being addicted to something.
Your concern for your husband is natural but please - look at your own welfare too.
D
to SR Carla
CarlaMember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
Hi Dee,
Thanks a lot for your reply... I'm still exploring the site and there's so much to read!!!
I wish he could talk or listen to people like you that are already on the other side so he can understand how much his life will change... but I guess that there's nothing I can do if he doesn't want to.
Thanks again...
Thanks a lot for your reply... I'm still exploring the site and there's so much to read!!!
I wish he could talk or listen to people like you that are already on the other side so he can understand how much his life will change... but I guess that there's nothing I can do if he doesn't want to.
Thanks again...
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Dee said it best! I too was a chronic pot smoker & alcohol abuser, but sadly for nearly 30 yrs.
I had to finally be ready to quit.
Addiction does not succumb to anything.
Great support groups are available to you. Suggest you find one ASAP.
This IS about you as well!!!!
I had to finally be ready to quit.
Addiction does not succumb to anything.
Great support groups are available to you. Suggest you find one ASAP.
This IS about you as well!!!!
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Welcome Carla.
You might want to read in the Friends and Family section of SR. This will give you a lot of insight about co-dependence, enabling, boundaries, etc.
I am sorry, but as someone who understands addiction, I agree with everything that has been said. You will be unsuccessful at trying to change him. He has to want to do it for himself.
You might want to read in the Friends and Family section of SR. This will give you a lot of insight about co-dependence, enabling, boundaries, etc.
I am sorry, but as someone who understands addiction, I agree with everything that has been said. You will be unsuccessful at trying to change him. He has to want to do it for himself.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Just wanted to echo what most of the others said. It was 20 years for me. I eventually lost my wife, house, and also my life (suicide attempt). I've been around these boards for almost 8 years, but I've only got about 7 months clean. Just about everyone who has replied on this thread reached out to help me at one time or another, but it was only when I decided for myself, that I had a chance.
I wish I could be more positive about this, but you really need to start thinking about yourself in this. Several people have mentioned the F&F forum, and I would also echo that. You can't do this for him, he has to do it for himself. You can be there to support him if he does decide to change, but he's the one who has to do the work.
BTW, welcome to SR. It's a great place for us addicts and those who are effected by our actions. I wish you all the best. Take care.
I wish I could be more positive about this, but you really need to start thinking about yourself in this. Several people have mentioned the F&F forum, and I would also echo that. You can't do this for him, he has to do it for himself. You can be there to support him if he does decide to change, but he's the one who has to do the work.
BTW, welcome to SR. It's a great place for us addicts and those who are effected by our actions. I wish you all the best. Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I think I'm finally starting to understand that it's not a matter of me being or not good enough for him to decide to quit...
Seriously, really, REALLY take that in!!!!!
Suggestion: that it becomes a principle for your life.
Seriously, really, REALLY take that in!!!!!
Suggestion: that it becomes a principle for your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Hi Carla,
I have heard incredible things about a group called Al-Anon Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen Any family members affected from ones abuse whether drinking or using drugs can be helped by this incredible group.
Check it out, there are probably meetings nearby, you owe it to yourself, you gotta take care of you first. You cannot change your husband, he needs to change on his own, but you can learn tools to deal with the pain you must be going through.
All the best.
I have heard incredible things about a group called Al-Anon Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen Any family members affected from ones abuse whether drinking or using drugs can be helped by this incredible group.
Check it out, there are probably meetings nearby, you owe it to yourself, you gotta take care of you first. You cannot change your husband, he needs to change on his own, but you can learn tools to deal with the pain you must be going through.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 5
But it's sooo hard... I feel that if I admit that then it's all my responsability to do something about myself, to make a huge desicion... and I don't even know where to start... and I've been waiting for a change for so many years and don't want to lose all my hope.
He's my family...
Thank you all for your support!!!
He's my family...
Thank you all for your support!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Carla,
no one will demand that you make a huge decision. any decisions you make are completely up to you.
what you might find is some understanding folks, and a bit of re-focusing on making your life happier for you, in the ways that are helpful to you and again are completely at your discretion. You know you best, so only you can know what things might benefit your happiness tomorrow, next week, next year.
The one thing you will hear is that
1) You did not cause this
2) You cannot control this
3) You cannot cure this
whew, glad that responsibility is off you?
no one will demand that you make a huge decision. any decisions you make are completely up to you.
what you might find is some understanding folks, and a bit of re-focusing on making your life happier for you, in the ways that are helpful to you and again are completely at your discretion. You know you best, so only you can know what things might benefit your happiness tomorrow, next week, next year.
The one thing you will hear is that
1) You did not cause this
2) You cannot control this
3) You cannot cure this
whew, glad that responsibility is off you?
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