vegibean

Trish, more hugs for you!!! Hope you're feeling better today, this morning....... it's 2:19AM for me, just got home from work.

PS-Forgot to ask the question.

littlefish

As far as transportation needs, can you put up ads around asking for transportation help? You could pay for the gas and then a small fee in the form of a tip.

Recovered1

Aysha,

I do feel for you. This depending on people thing is tricky. And I can relate to not wanting to taking a shower as I have to really push myself in that area. This month I called a woman for help and she said she'd call me back and never did. So of course this just makes me want to not reach out for fear of rejection.

I don't know what to tell you about the ride thing except to keep on trying and maybe something will turn up. Are there any meetings in your area within walking distance? Maybe if you were to get to one of these you could approach the chair and ask that an announcement be made that if anyone could help out with rides (and even if it would be one meeting a week that would be better than no meeting, right?) maybe someone could help.

Hang in there. We just have to sort of blow it off when we hit roadblocks and TRY not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know. Eventually the right person or people will show up to help if we just plug along.

Recovered1

Aysha, if you are not on the right meds can you get on the right meds? It will continue to be very frustrating if on the wrong meds and it makes sense that your thinking would turn to "do I really need them anyway?"

I have been there done that many times. My shrink says at first people feel better off of them but by month three they are far worse off. Even though I went cold turkey off of mine at the end of October (I don't recommend this!) I still take a small dose of a mood stabilizer. It's probably not enough but if I can put together some sobriety maybe I will be able to see what is truly going on.

As to the MP3, yay! I don't own one but one bright spot is you do and know how to use it!

Aysha

Right now I am over the whole transportation thing. I have the 2 most important ones for now. Thats to social services to apply for what I need for the sober house and the ride to the interview for sober house.
LF..I am not working and so I do not have any money. Literally zero cents.
I am not on the right meds because I havent been able to get to my Dr to get a prescription or to even go fill it if I did.
With the drama in my world right now I am staying away from everyone before I lose it.
I was feeling really depressed when I first posted this. Alot went on in the days just before this and soon after. Yesterday started off horrible but quickly calmed down. And today is peaceful so far.
But I still am not testing any waters yet. I am just staying to myself. Not asking anything about nothing. I dont want to hear the BS and I dont want to talk about it.
Everyone can keep their drama to themselves.
I have taken RZ's advice and cancelled my subscription. LOL
Thx everyone. Hopefully it stays calm.

keithj

I mean this with all kindness and good intention, Trish. The things I quoted are the things that will kill you.

That attitude of 'I don't think so', 'I'm not comfortable with that', 'I'm not ready for that' works against you. When I got sober, I was willing to do whatever it took to get sober. It didn't matter if I was comfortable with it or not.

When you take things off the table like that, you limit yourself. And I'm not just talking about limiting what resources are available to you. I'm talking about limiting your mind. You've already decided how far and to what extent you are willing to go. A more helpful mindset is 'I don't know what it will take, but I'm willing to do anything'. Sobriety doesn't need to be your #1 priority, it needs to be your only priority.

That attitude of surrender is achieved by not caring what other people think, not caring about their opinions, not caring if you take some flak, not caring if you are comfortable or not. You're going to do what needs to be done.

I'm a fairly staunch traditionalist in AA. I believe, and have stood up for, the idea that there is no way of making an AA member out of an addict. That said, I've got some close addict friends who regularly show up at open AA meetings and identify as addicts. I've never seen them get dissed for doing so. They are accepted and welcomed.

When you say you are not ready for that, it just means that you are not ready to be sober. For god sake's, after what you've been through, is it reasonable to say that there are lengths you aren't willing to go to get and stay sober? It's pretty irrelavent what program of recovery someone is using. That idea that 'I want to be sober IF it doesn't involve this and this' is a killer. It doesn't even matter all that much if you pursue those lengths, just be willing to do so. Be willing to abandon yourself.

My personal example of this is belief in a higher power. I was absolutely not willing to entertain that idea for a long time. I couldn't make that leap, and I really, really didn't want to have to depend on this fantasy (opiate of the masses) BS to get sober. But, when I got beaten down by booze for a few more years, I got willing to be a little open minded. I stopped caring about what I wanted to believe in, and became willing to believe in whatever was necessary.

This is my long-winded way of saying that I know it's tough. It's really tough to let go of long held beliefs and viewpoints and prejudices and judgements. But that willingness to go wherever you have to go can be the key for you. It may be uncomfortable, it may be humbling, it may be painful, but be willing to do it. Whatever it is.

And, I'm kind of excited for you. True recovery is the greatest thing I've ever experienced.

Aysha

I understand what your saying. But too many times iI have heard how those oldtimer AA people really do not like addicts in their meetings. I know what the rules say. But if this is a fellowship and you are there for f2f interaction and to seek support and guidance from these very same people. How can you do that when they dont welcome you?
And sometimes will try and push you out. Thats some crap I dont need right now. I am not trying to pick through my recovery. And so I dont think I should be forced to pick through discrimination for being an addict in an alcoholics meeing.
I have tried AA. And I will admit, it wasnt too bad. I even knew someone there. A girl I use to take my smoke breaks with at one of my old jobs. I would never have guessed she was an alcoholic as she probably wouldnt have gessed I was an addict. That was a little weird. But it was all good because she was someone I hung out with at work.
But still. I feel like its trying to shove a square peg n a round hole.
I only have not even a week until I go for my interview. If all goes well I will be in sober living doing more meetings than I can handle. So I am safe at home, no vehicle, stuck in the middle of nowhere, no money and no drugs anywhere in this town that I know of. I know there is but I couldnt tell you where.
I appreciate all of your suggestions. But I really need to just gather myself for these next few days. I am already a nervous wreck from my family and also reflecting on why I am in this position to begin with. And preparing for this sober living thing is just addicng to it.
I can only take so much right now.

nogard

so if you went to score and the dealer would not sell you anything would that stop you?

You have a right to be in NA or AA meetings, dont listen to your head it will tell you lies. Talk to and listen to other members in recovery and start listening to your heart.

Aysha

There is alot I want to say but I wont. This is why I dont like talking anything about programs in any way shape or form.
No offense Kev, I love ya, But in that same aspect, I wouldnt go begging rides to go get drugs from strangers.
I am not trying to make this a your not doing it right or your not ready or commited debate.
It feels like I am being force fed this stuff over not having a ride. Its not in my control. I made my efforts more than once to try and find a ride through NA's hotline.
I stand my ground on AA. Sry.

nogard

no need to be sorry, its your recovery and your there not me. I go mostly to NA meetings, but sometimes I need to stand in a room where I am the baby of clean time and that is hard to do in NA so I go to a large AA meeting, if I am asked to share out of courtesy I keep it to alcohol which aint difficult as I relapsed fopr 11 years with booze.

I would have and did begged robbed lied cheated, done anything to score and so do what I must in recovery, especially in early days and when it gets tough.

I would not bother posting so much in your threads if I did not care, but I understand that you need to do it.

nogard

I am not a 12 step fanatic, it works for me but there are other recovery paths which work. However they also require ke action and most of them include other addicts in recovery, so its 'we' and not 'I'

Aysha

I totally understand that. I have just opened up to this whole meetings thing and 12 steps. I am scared to go to Na, and now yall are telling me go somewhere that I will really feel uncomfortable? Do you see what I am saying?
I may be moving into a group house for 6 to 9 mos here soon. Thats alot to swallow. I havent even moved out of my house on my own that long before.
But I think thats the best thing for me is sober living.
I will be around people that are all about recovery. Living, eating, breathing and coexisting with 15 other people like that. So honestly, a one hour meeting would be cake. But I do not have a ride to neither. I am not doing AA for that reason.
I just find it unsettling that some people want to tell me I am npt serious because I cant find a ride, wont beg to get one from total strangers. I am just coming out of my shell here. I didnt just jump in the drug game and go full on criminal and manipulater either.
I am not trying to disrespect anyone. I really really appreciate the suggestions. But baby steps man, baby steps. I am a scared, nervous wreck as it is.

Recovered1

I hear ya. I know you are serious but there are limits as to what a person can do.