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Here we go again... hopefully not. Well y'all it's Thanksgiving, and I actually did come up with a list of gratitudes... but that was a few hours ago and it's been a rough week for me. I don't have any family near where I'm at--well, one aunt, but they aren't the type to have turkey dinner--and I'm lonely. Haven't really met many people here, although that is getting better since I moved to a new dorm. So I've been hanging out here the last few days, mostly in the chatroom. Honestly, I've mostly just been sad. Even though this is my 5th year, 5th Thanksgiving, etc alone... it's my first sober. I have very few sober holidays under my belt--I *think* Memorial Day and Halloween for sure. My last relapse was Veteran's Day. Monday, Tuesday, nothing much to do (furlough days mostly), and I didn't really think about drinking. Didn't even notice that I wasn't thinking about drinking, either, which is strange because I was in the chatroom of a site devoted to recovery. I was just more sad, I suppose. That all changed tonight. Not even during a conversation about alcohol, or any of its side effects. It was something entirely different, nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. And the thought just popped up. It wasn't even a thought, actually, more of a... impulse? The thoughts just slide on through. This is something different, more of a physical thing and less of a formulated word. *This* is the thing that always brings me down, I remember it now. Part of the reason I'm writing this. This is the physical urge that lingers in me until it gathers strength and eventually takes me down. Not tonight, or maybe not tomorrow... but sooner or later this is the thing that brings me down. What is it? How do I get rid of it? Thank you all, TB |
Stop thinking it will bring you down for a start TB. Sounds like you're already nearly convinced - there's nothing good in thinking that way. Staying sober is hard - it's especially hard when life insists on throwing curve balls at you - holidays, illness, exams, bad people, disappointments...whatever. And life will trip you up. Everyone here can tell you how hard it is in early sobriety. There's *always* something when you're used to not dealing with things. It's the nature of giving up a crutch. But it does get better - you don;t even have to trust me on that - it stands to reason...noone here would stick with sobriety if it didn't get better. You have to balance short term pain and sadness against your long term hoped for aims....and just accept you won't get to one without going through the other Bubba. Surround yourself with as much support as you can - reach out - and make some noise. You deserve help and I'm sorry it hasn't been all that forthcoming so far in the real world. You do have us tho :) And don't give up on yourself or that last cell of hope - when you think you'd walk 10 miles to a liquor store? walk 11 to an AA meeting....if you think you'll die if you don't drink in 5 mins, spend 50 mins on SR. You deserve everything you dream of TB - but you have to work the hard yards, just for now, to get there. You're not alone - you've got many many supporters and friends here. I know you can do this. D |
Actually, kinda hoping not to do it again. That's why the pre-emptive post... just not sure why this thing happens... it's not like a regular craving and I can't seem to fight it. Was hoping someone knew. Still okay and all... |
I did say 'nearly' convinced LOL I have faith in you TB :) D |
stay strong girl. hey guess what, i will have my first month sober tomorrow! i know ive been mia, but still going strong. ill keep going if you will :P |
bubba, its called self-sabotage...! try to get out of the Espionage, and Secrect Agent Double Knot Spy Business! lol stay in the gratitude biz, member, a grateful drunk, will never drink again... see ya on the bus bubba |
TB, its not easy being sober at the start as Dee says but in my experience its harder being drunk because of all the negative things booze attracts like obssession and body decay etc etc. Remember - as money nearly always attracts more money, poison always attracts more poison. Hang in there TB :) |
What is it? How do I get rid of it? |
Thirtybubba, If you are lonely at Thanksgiving, I'm sure you could help out a homeless shelter with serving of a meal. There is almost always a need for extra hands at shelters during the holiday time. |
TB, the urges that linger - don't keep them to yourself. Like you did here, keep sharing them w/ others in recovery (IMO better to call someone asap). mental/emotional clouds roll through everyone I know in recovery - they only build into storms when I keep them bottled up inside. |
Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. IMHO there are two types of denial, one is truly believing that one is not an alkie/addict. The second is knowing, but instead of living in a solution, holding on to the very insane thinking (even if sublimily) that one day it will all go away and we will be able to drink normally... The problem is the second always ends up one of three ways (IMHO), jail, institution or death. My hope for you is recovery, for you to know and feel the joy and gratitude in your life of the smallest of realizations... hope and love hope3 |
What helped me during those early days was not thinking in terms that I would try to stay sober or that it might get me eventually. I had to say to myself that I was staying sober no matter what period. There is no pain or discomfort in early sobriety that is even a tiny fraction of the pain and suffering that is pretty much guaranteed if you drink. So I fastened my seatbelt and hung on. All the emotions and feelings that I had been suppressing with alcohol became very apparent early on. It felt like the volume on life was turned up to max. I then began to face up to a lot of things that I couldn't when I was drinking. I started to talk to people again. The volume began to slowly go down and I began to feel more normal again. You have so many friends here that care about you. :) |
I cant say I know what its like to be alone. Especially around the holidays. But I know that feeling very weel of self sabotage, mental obsession, whatever you want to call it. I can tell you that white knuckling it isnt going to help. I have tried it too many times to know it never does. I cant even tell you what to do about it really, because I haevnt tried any other way yet myself. But since my relapse a couple weeks ago. I am def letting go of the controls. I am not driving this ship anymore. Cause I keep driving myself head on into traffic. I know sometimes it has helped to me to literally cuss myself out and shoot those thoughts right down as soon as possible. Keep telling myself, even out loud I have done it, that it is not an option and it never will be one. For now I am taking the advice of many people who have found sobriety and going to try that dreaded 12 step program. LOL One thing I have not tried is that. So I am hoping its one of those things where its the last place you look kinda thing. I am just grateful I am here yet again to look in that last place. You can do it. You need support and f2f support. I use to hate it when I was told that. But in my own experience. It has proven to be true. So I gotta believe it. Hang in there. Dont even keep feeding the thought. If your house was on fire would you just sit inside watching it burn down around you and taking you with it? I would hope not. Take action. |
Originally Posted by 51anna
(Post 2445389)
Thirtybubba, If you are lonely at Thanksgiving, I'm sure you could help out a homeless shelter with serving of a meal. There is almost always a need for extra hands at shelters during the holiday time. I relapsed on thanksgiving two years ago, partially because I was alone. I spent that night in jail. I try very hard not to let myself get alone anymore. But if I had read Anna's advice to you today when I was alone that day, I'd have definitely spared myself that night. -Goat |
Well, If it makes you feel a little more at ease, anytime that I have had those feelings and reached out to others (like you have here) everything has been alright and I made it through. When I keep those feelings to myself is when I wind up in trouble. So you are doing what you need to to get help. and btw Rusty Zipper, that's Double naught spy :) |
Thank you all. Grateful for some things, but that's usually a dangerous game for me... If I start looking around, I can't help but notice the missing things... and I would give up all I have for those missing things in a heartbeat. The only reason I hang on is that I know the the missing things are not out there... not here. Ever since my last relapse, and especially since I was rejected for rehab, I have been actively trying to reach out to people in AA, figuring those steps might be my last chance too. All the names of women I have collected at the various AA meetings who indicated they might sponsor me, I call every single one every single day. Most days, it's a waste of a dollar--I get a machine and leave my name and number, no return calls yet. I had purchased the minutes the last time I bought a bottle--some form of rationalization if you will--and they are running out. I have 10 days left of phone usage... hardly enough to get to know someone, I don't believe. And soon I will not be able to go to meetings due to the weather. Besides call... and go to meetings... is there anything I'm not doing yet? I realize I live a town over from the AA people, and I drove the other night so I now know it is a good 15-20 minutes, no wonder they won't drive me home... no comment, but I realize that's what it is now, I'll hush. I've been going to some of the same meetings in hopes of building a rapport, thinking that's what it might take, while watching other newcomers (local ones) get taken to quickly... they have things in common, high schools, inside jokes, other meetings in the weekdays. I don't know the area. They think my accent is cute the first time they meet me, after that I'm lucky if they say hi. Worse, I got to the point where if 2 out of 15 people in the room said hi, I'm thinking I'm doing pretty good. It's depressing, but I figured it was the only way left for me here, and so I gathered up the courage at each and every meeting... because that's how it works. For some reason, there are no women regulars beyond the newcomers... Always women, but never the same ones. Either way, I have all their numbers... and I call... and they ignore my calls and messages. Maybe they're all busy... I've switched up the times I call. A couple of new women answer, and talk to me for a couple minutes--AA small talk, I presume: "How are you?" "Good, thank you, how about you?" "Oh, I'm good too, did you drink today?" "No, how about you?" "No" "That's good" "Yeah, you too" "Well, I don't mean to be rude, but I have to go" "Oh, of course. Have a lovely evening" "You too" "Take care" "You too"--then I end up calling my cousin--even I got a machine, it instantly takes away the dollar from my account. I've avoided calling him since I got this urge-like thing. The boy eats pills for breakfast, washes it all down with whiskey. He is the only person in real life who seems to believe what I say... and know why I want to quit so bad. Usually we discuss other things, and I can talk to him without thinking of drinking, but there are limits, and this would be one of them. So far, nothing seems to work, and always because of some small thing I didn't cause... or did I? If I hadn't gone to school, I wouldn't be living in this here town, and the AA people might be more local to me. So, again, thinking about the causes and effects brings me back to school... Yeah, I desperately want to talk to someone in real life, but it just hasn't worked out for me. Six months till I move... by the seventh I should have friends again. But it wouldn't be right to burden a new friend with all that I got going on... Typing out things usually helps. this one didn't. This would be why I don't like to think about my situation to look for gratitudes... Take care y'all, I thank y'all for y'alls answers, I'm so sorry I'm not taking for some reason Hopefully I'll get through this here trial now. TB |
We can have our own inside jokes . . . Next week will be here before you know it! Keep moving forward hon!!! |
TB, First of all, it is great that you are reaching out here and yes, typing/writing does help! I am sorry that you are having trouble getting in touch with other AA'ers, at the very least I am glad you have this resource. Can you try some other meetings? Perhaps instead of asking for a call back say you can organize a weekly coffee/brunch/game night whatever to have contact with others seeking recovery? That would help to build friendships and give you times to look forward to while having sober fun! One thing about the phone, prepaid phones are ultra expensive, no wonder you don't want to waste the minutes! Can you get a regular call or a landline? Much cheaper and you can talk all you want! Regarding depression and feeling down and hopeless.....working out will give you tremendous results with your emotional and mental wellbeing. Even a 20-30 minute walk every day will help and give you motivation. I also really highly recommend stretching, yoga (you can find tons of info if you Google beginner yoga poses) will massage your internal organs, bring peace and serenity and really just open up a whole new world for you! Also, fill yourself with whole grains, fruits and veggies---eat from the earth as much as possible. When you are doing good things for yourself you are going towards the life you want to live. Is the life you want to live drinking and feeling down? Of course not! Make a plan right now. Sit down and right down everything you want to do with your life, where you want to go, who you want to meet. Then take one little baby step towards that even if it is just gathering more info on how to get there. Think only about the things you want and refuse to think about what you don't want. There is no time to drink and sulk! There are mountain vistas to be seen and seven seas to swim. YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT IF YOU JUST BELIEVE IT, FEEL IT, AND TAKE ACTION TOWARDS IT! One other thing...you may want to take a magnesium supplement every day. American diets are often deficient in magnesium and there is not enough of it in a multi-vitamin as it makes a multi quite large and difficult to swallow. Manufacturers often leave it out. Magnesium definciencies cause anxiety and depression. Also take St Johns Wort and Kava Kava to feel good. My personal best to you and I hope things work out for you. Drinking is not going to solve anything, it will only make it worse. Turn your attention elsewhere, towards what you DO want be it stronger friendships and cameraderie, travel, health, relationships, andthing you want is yours. Good luck! BA |
you should come to phx, i heard there is this awesome heavy metal band that plays james taylor songs. "youuu goootttt aaaa frieeeennndd!!!" |
Did you ever see a counsellor about your troubles/depression TB? Be careful with vitamins and supplements. See your doctor first - even something as seemingly innocuous as kava in pill form can be dangerous for people with existing liver problems...and it can of course be abused for it's intoxicant properties in other forms. D |
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