So....SOOOOO sick of myself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 41
So....SOOOOO sick of myself!
So, yeah. Not doing so good in my "sobriety"..
The past few days, not drinking a whole lot, but still drinking. Counting the hours till I can safely stay in for the night and not have to drive anywhere. Pretty much laying around all day, feeling sorry for myself. Great example for my kid, right?
I know I am at a crossroads, something has to change. I have wasted a solid 5 years, self medicating and hiding from the world and worst of all from myself. I am NOT this weak woman! Though I have to say it is MUCH easier to be her these days.
So, one of my struggles is the fact that I feel my drinking is problematic in the instances...(daily lately) where I do it secretly, out of a bottle I hide in my closet...(poor closet)..
I find myself thinking ahead to birthdays, New Years, etc. I mean, I hate the idea of not being able to drink in a NORMAL setting. That's not my problem, right? I can stop at a drink or two when I am around people. Like regular folk!! Except...for the 3 shots I have at home before I leave the house..
I guess I am rationalizing, and not just staying in the moment. Worry about those times when they come up, right? ONEfrickensecondatatime.
Hope everyone is doing okay. Back to day one tomorrow. Wooo hooo...can't wait!!
The past few days, not drinking a whole lot, but still drinking. Counting the hours till I can safely stay in for the night and not have to drive anywhere. Pretty much laying around all day, feeling sorry for myself. Great example for my kid, right?
I know I am at a crossroads, something has to change. I have wasted a solid 5 years, self medicating and hiding from the world and worst of all from myself. I am NOT this weak woman! Though I have to say it is MUCH easier to be her these days.
So, one of my struggles is the fact that I feel my drinking is problematic in the instances...(daily lately) where I do it secretly, out of a bottle I hide in my closet...(poor closet)..
I find myself thinking ahead to birthdays, New Years, etc. I mean, I hate the idea of not being able to drink in a NORMAL setting. That's not my problem, right? I can stop at a drink or two when I am around people. Like regular folk!! Except...for the 3 shots I have at home before I leave the house..
I guess I am rationalizing, and not just staying in the moment. Worry about those times when they come up, right? ONEfrickensecondatatime.
Hope everyone is doing okay. Back to day one tomorrow. Wooo hooo...can't wait!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi gingerblue,
I'm glad your starting fresh again tomorrow.
I wish I had more answers for you, but just want you to know I feel where you're at and hope you stick around and find the support you need.
You can do this, just find a little faith, it's all you need to get started on a new life.
I'm glad your starting fresh again tomorrow.
I wish I had more answers for you, but just want you to know I feel where you're at and hope you stick around and find the support you need.
You can do this, just find a little faith, it's all you need to get started on a new life.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Gingerblue - I can honestly say that while I miss drinking every now and then, I really am quite happy each day and do not feel the urge to drink.
It has taken a lot of work to get here, but it has been very rewarding work.
I know that I cannot drinking normally, but I am not ashamed of this. It is what it is ... and I have a choice to make.
I am choosing to live my life fully present in the lives of my family, my kids, and myself. And all I have to do to do this is to drink water instead of booze.
Keep working at it.
It has taken a lot of work to get here, but it has been very rewarding work.
I know that I cannot drinking normally, but I am not ashamed of this. It is what it is ... and I have a choice to make.
I am choosing to live my life fully present in the lives of my family, my kids, and myself. And all I have to do to do this is to drink water instead of booze.
Keep working at it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Yeah i remember this, it's not exactly surprising that our mental health deteriorates when we put ourselves through this insanity! I didn't see it at the time at all, thought i would one day get it and everything would be ok?! Hope you get into some program of recovery soon:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 27
"I find myself thinking ahead to birthdays, New Years, etc. I mean, I hate the idea of not being able to drink in a NORMAL setting. That's not my problem, right? I can stop at a drink or two when I am around people. Like regular folk!!.."
I said that for YEARS before I realized that it just wasn't possible. It was a great excuse to keep drinking - "Oh, I'd quit, but the holidays are coming up and there's no way I'm not drinking when everyone else is." Thing is, everyone else isn't going to leave the party and drink until they pass out, then do the same thing the next night, and the next, like I would. I just got tired of feeling bad all the time and letting myself down and making poor choices and setting bad examples, and the desire to put an end to all that finally outweighed the desire to keep drinking to the point that no excuse could keep me from doing what I needed to do.
I'm not going to tell you it'll be easy, but I will tell you it'll be worth it. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
I said that for YEARS before I realized that it just wasn't possible. It was a great excuse to keep drinking - "Oh, I'd quit, but the holidays are coming up and there's no way I'm not drinking when everyone else is." Thing is, everyone else isn't going to leave the party and drink until they pass out, then do the same thing the next night, and the next, like I would. I just got tired of feeling bad all the time and letting myself down and making poor choices and setting bad examples, and the desire to put an end to all that finally outweighed the desire to keep drinking to the point that no excuse could keep me from doing what I needed to do.
I'm not going to tell you it'll be easy, but I will tell you it'll be worth it. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
For me, the important part was to not think about tomorrow. I just have to stay in this day. I take my sobriety in 24-hour chunks and it's much easier.
And it's very helpful to have a program for recovery. Sobriety isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing the way I think. Life does get so much better in recovery, so keep on the path!
Love,
Lenina
And it's very helpful to have a program for recovery. Sobriety isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing the way I think. Life does get so much better in recovery, so keep on the path!
Love,
Lenina
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome back 
and welcome back to day 1...
Don't worry about drinking in the future... that's intimidating. Just worry about not drinking today (or tomorrow, wherever you are). Then keep doing that.
I know I'm one to talk, but that actually works unless you stop. Not that I know any or all the answers, but some of the things people say a lot on here really work--although I never believed them. This day at a time thing is definitely one of those.
I'll hush now, take care,
TB
and welcome back to day 1... Don't worry about drinking in the future... that's intimidating. Just worry about not drinking today (or tomorrow, wherever you are). Then keep doing that.
I know I'm one to talk, but that actually works unless you stop. Not that I know any or all the answers, but some of the things people say a lot on here really work--although I never believed them. This day at a time thing is definitely one of those.
I'll hush now, take care,
TB
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Originally Posted by Lenina 
For me, the important part was to not think about tomorrow. I just have to stay in this day. I take my sobriety in 24-hour chunks and it's much easier.
And it's very helpful to have a program for recovery. Sobriety isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing the way I think. Life does get so much better in recovery, so keep on the path!
Love,
Lenina
And it's very helpful to have a program for recovery. Sobriety isn't just about not drinking, it's about changing the way I think. Life does get so much better in recovery, so keep on the path!
Love,
Lenina
I absolutely agree with Lenina. I would like to add that at some point, I stopped wondering how I could get through camping/newyears/partys/birthdays sober. At some point I started to look forward to experiencing all of those sober. I drank for 28 years, and now I am learning how to live all over again, and it has been a wonderful journey.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
One day at a time.
I am very bad at projecting when I let myself. I thought everyone used to think way ahead into the future like me, but only now am I seeing it as a trait of mine which can feed my alcoholism if I don't snap myself out of it. I use AA and SR to keep me straight.
I am very bad at projecting when I let myself. I thought everyone used to think way ahead into the future like me, but only now am I seeing it as a trait of mine which can feed my alcoholism if I don't snap myself out of it. I use AA and SR to keep me straight.
Sobriety in technicolor
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
Such an awesome honest post. You are well on your way to surrender and a life in which you love and respect yourself. There is AWLAYS hope, so long as you continue to see your situation as it truly is, not as you wish it was. You are on the right path. KEEP POSTING. We are behind you 100% 
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