Not sure...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Oklahoma City Oklahoma
Posts: 8
Not sure...
I am not quite sure how to use this site but i ran across it tonight while searching for help for my ex husband. Although I am not sure he is ready to accept help. I will try to briefly explain our situation and perhaps you may be able to give me advice. We married 11 years ago and divorced 3 years ago, we have 2 beautiful little boys that adore him. We started using meth around 8 years ago and it destroyed our lives. I left him for a time but after he was in jail for some time he convinced me he had changed and he was clean while I was pregnant with our 2nd child, had a good job, no disappearing acts. Then just after our son's 1st birthday he started becoming secretive again, late all the time, moody and of course I denied it for a time but I cannot take a chance on being around that stuff so I filed for a divorce. He seemed better for a time again and had a new girlfriend but continued to want to see me. About 3 months ago they broke up and I noticed his strange behavior when he would pick up the boys not to mention loss of home and job. I took him to court and ordered a drug test to which he still has not conceded to. He contacted me last week saying that he loved me and wanted our life back and then disappeared for 2 days. What am I to do???? I love this man more than life itself and I fear his children will be without a father soon if he continues this path. He is in jail right now due to non payment of child support which he blames me for but I told my atty I thought maybe it would dry him out for a few days. Please give me some advice I am desperate to live my life but somehow he draws me back.....
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Welcome CaringEx
Also check out this forum as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Also check out this forum as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Caringex
I'm sorry for your situation. I know you'll find a lot of help and support here.
If your husbands problem is meth, we also have a family and friends section for substance abusers which you may find suits your situation:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you'll take care of yourself too - have you considered NarAnon?
Welcome to SR
D
I'm sorry for your situation. I know you'll find a lot of help and support here.
If your husbands problem is meth, we also have a family and friends section for substance abusers which you may find suits your situation:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you'll take care of yourself too - have you considered NarAnon?
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 248
Hi Carinex! Welcome the the boards.
I think you were married to the same ex I have. Just kidding but he was just like him by the sounds of it. Right down the the jail for child support. More than once. When they are good they are so good but when they do the disappearing acts its crushing.
I remember my kids sitting on the porch, bags packed waiting for dad on his weekend and he would not show nor call. Just be gone for a while.
You can't make him want to change. His kids can't make him want to change. It's all him that has to want it. My story is very similar but my kids are much older now. If you want to chat privately you can pm me. I don't want to make this post about me. I seriously hope for your kids and you that he can get over it cuz it isn't pretty as the kids get older. Good luck to your family.
I think you were married to the same ex I have. Just kidding but he was just like him by the sounds of it. Right down the the jail for child support. More than once. When they are good they are so good but when they do the disappearing acts its crushing.
I remember my kids sitting on the porch, bags packed waiting for dad on his weekend and he would not show nor call. Just be gone for a while.
You can't make him want to change. His kids can't make him want to change. It's all him that has to want it. My story is very similar but my kids are much older now. If you want to chat privately you can pm me. I don't want to make this post about me. I seriously hope for your kids and you that he can get over it cuz it isn't pretty as the kids get older. Good luck to your family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 70
I don't know this man, but his behavior is 'classic' and indicative of everything he's not admitting to. The only thing aside from addiction that explains loss of job and home is a natural depression too debilitating to be overcome (which, of course, would also explain substance abuse of any kind).
Listen to the people who tell you that you can't make him want to change. When the brutal ghosts and thuggish realities of his behavior catch up to him one night...perhaps while still in jail and unable to self-medicate...then and only then will he think about change. That, or the famous, "sick and tired of being sick and tired" routine. At any rate, very few people have ever changed because someone asked or even begged them to. The few who do only do so after an epiphany that their loved one(s) are more important than their fears of going straight. And that, in the midst of a destructive spiral, is somewhat rare despite love being more or less universal.
That's the animal of addiction. Everything dear...isn't. That he's not paying child support could be indicative of where his loved ones lie in the heirarchy of needs.
I hate to be somewhat negative, but I am an alcoholic. I know how substance abusers think.
Listen to the people who tell you that you can't make him want to change. When the brutal ghosts and thuggish realities of his behavior catch up to him one night...perhaps while still in jail and unable to self-medicate...then and only then will he think about change. That, or the famous, "sick and tired of being sick and tired" routine. At any rate, very few people have ever changed because someone asked or even begged them to. The few who do only do so after an epiphany that their loved one(s) are more important than their fears of going straight. And that, in the midst of a destructive spiral, is somewhat rare despite love being more or less universal.
That's the animal of addiction. Everything dear...isn't. That he's not paying child support could be indicative of where his loved ones lie in the heirarchy of needs.
I hate to be somewhat negative, but I am an alcoholic. I know how substance abusers think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Oklahoma City Oklahoma
Posts: 8
Thank you wanttolive I would like that being so new to this I am unsure how to navigate but I will try. I did not accept his calls from jail today because I don't want to hear how much he loves me and how sorry he is. After all these years I still feel the need to drop everything for him why? When he thinks nothing of ignoring us for days at a time. How can I learn to break this pattern? What a waste of my heart and soul on someone who continues to break it over and over.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 164
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results. The only person you can change is you. You cannot change him. You might try finding an Al-Anon in your area. It's for people like you who are dealing with similar situations. Good Luck! Take care of yourself and your kids!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 248
caringex,
It is a horrible pattern. And they are so convincing when saying they are done with it. I think in their mind at the time they may mean it because they probably just got of a binge. Then maybe, just maybe you believe it to be true this time and it may go well for a little while. You love it kids love it then BAM gone like a magicians rabbit in a hat for a while. they come back all sorry and you know the cycle....
Meth is horrible and as my kids got older they caught on that daddy wasn't away at work and that hurt them. So please think of your kids and yourself. And hope and pray that something clicks in him before its too late and his little boys hate him. They will begin to hate as much as love around a certain age. Mine now are 23, 19, and 17. He went from father of the year to practically no contact with kids because they wont take his calls. Avoid the meth merry go round if you can. The carnie falls asleep at the controls and once the things starts you may be in for a long ride.
It is a horrible pattern. And they are so convincing when saying they are done with it. I think in their mind at the time they may mean it because they probably just got of a binge. Then maybe, just maybe you believe it to be true this time and it may go well for a little while. You love it kids love it then BAM gone like a magicians rabbit in a hat for a while. they come back all sorry and you know the cycle....
Meth is horrible and as my kids got older they caught on that daddy wasn't away at work and that hurt them. So please think of your kids and yourself. And hope and pray that something clicks in him before its too late and his little boys hate him. They will begin to hate as much as love around a certain age. Mine now are 23, 19, and 17. He went from father of the year to practically no contact with kids because they wont take his calls. Avoid the meth merry go round if you can. The carnie falls asleep at the controls and once the things starts you may be in for a long ride.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Oklahoma City Oklahoma
Posts: 8
I know that I cannot force him to get help and I have not tried to. I just have a problem letting him back in and I remember that definition of insanity from college, isn't it something that although we know the outcome will be the same we think maybe just maybe this time... What I am wondering is if perhaps I have an addiction to him??? I walked away from meth and have not wanted it again because of the destruction it caused my life but for the life of me I cannot figure out why I continue to let him back in my heart, well really he never leaves it. I have been dating other men at times and dropped them without a thought when my ex called. I hope I made some kind of progress tonight he tried to call from jail and I did not answer. My stomach hurts so badly tonight and I am so very confused. Thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom, please keep them coming I am afraid I am in for a long night...
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