Wow! Am I Naive....
 

This is so much harder so much more serious then I thought. My first-last drink was Oct 28th. My last-last drink was Nov 15th. Days before that date I thought I "got it". It all seemed to make sense, I was feeling really good, I thought I was following directions, reading the books, going to meetings, kinda picking up the phone. I had no computer so the advice from SR was eliminated...but I had AA.

On Nov 14th I had a long awaited college reunion with 4 girlfriends. I asked fellow AAers advice. I was warned and gently told not to go, "I wouldn't have done it" that early in sobriety came out of everyones mouths. I wasn't willing to back out. I was looking forward to this trip for to long. The plans had been made months before my drinking stopped. These were friends I hadn't seen in 15 years. I felt an urgency to go...so I did. I packed my books, every single phone number I had, called the local AA in the area I was visiting and found meetings, brought pictures of my kids, roomed with the pregnant friend...I was ready. My ever nagging voice which had backed off started up the day before... "no one will know", you deserve this", "you will have so much more fun". When the voices started I made phone calls right up until the moment I left. I drove there feeling anxious but ready to fight the good fight in my own head. I met my friends which was slightly awkward after 15 years but there was a feeling of excitment and anticipation in the room. We decided to go for lunch. It was time...I knew the moment was coming I was mentally preparing myself for when the waitress came to the table..."I can do this!" I told myself. As the waitress approach I heard my two friends say they were having a gin and tonic, "great... good for you" I thought. The waitress came over and looked at me first. My mouth opened and the words pinot grigio immediately came out. Not even a second thought. Wow! That was it? I felt relief because now my friends wouldn't feel uncomfortable because I wasn't drinking. This is what my head told me. The waitress came back, set my drink down and I hesitated for 1.5 seconds and then eagerly satisfied that evil craving. It felt good. I ordered one more because my friends did and of course I really wanted it...needed it. Later on as we were getting ready I waited for my one friend to have a glass of wine...I had two, no one was paying attention, she didn't finish hers and we left for dinner. At dinner I drank exactly the same amount as everyone else, drank a little more wine back at the room and the night was over. I wasn't drunk I would have had more if anyone else did but they didn't, they were satisfied...so I pretended to be too.

I slept late the next morning and woke up feeling exhausted, guilty and sad. They were right, I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have put myself in that position, I should have listened. Not going back to AA was never an option I really enjoyed it. I felt so happy and free for that one week I was a sober alcoholic. I wanted to feel that again.

I went to AA that Monday morning and just listened. Tried to really listen instead of thinking while people were talking. This in itself is hard for me. My brain never shuts up. I cried to a few women afterwards while ratting myself out. I felt so sad and so so so guilty. Today I went to another meeting and sat and listened. I just need to listen and stop thinking. I even got the nerve to ask someone to be my sponsor and it may work out (her daughter is having a baby so will be away for a period of time). I thought I was powerless over alcohol but now I know it. I saw it with my own eyes. There was no fight for me when that waitress came over...I didn't stand a chance.

I am happy to be back but so nervous about other situations like the one I had this past weekend. I cannot at this point avoid temptation...if it is there i will most likely drink it. As they say "when opportunity knocks...answer it" At this point I will answer any knock. I know that now. I want to be able to say I am past the drinking urges and last week I was, when I was home with no alcohol. Being a sober alcoholic is really hard but being a sober social alcoholic is something I have no idea how to do, for me it is impossible. I hope to get that gift someday I know other AA members say I will. Until then I will avoid any situation that includes alcohol especially if the majority of the people are drinking. I am not ready, I can't do it and I have so much to learn.

Thanks for reading and I am so glad to be back online and in touch with SR:)

Jo

Thank you for that post. I have stayed up many a night trying to understand why my son after a week, 10 days, now 14 days will have a drink and have to start over. I just don't understand it. Just don't drink!!! After reading your post, I kinda understand his side of the story. Thank you.

Reading those words helps me to stay sober one more day Jo. It's hearing those similarities that lets me know that I'm no further away from a drink than you are, it's always an arms length away.

I'm glad you're here, there's no shame in coming back, and it reassures me to know that you're giving AA a fair shot. Keep going back and working the program to the best of your ability, the miracle will happen.

Hi dojoro,

I'm like you, there is no way I would even try to resist a drink in that setting, so I know I'm defenseless against the first drink, at least at this stage of my life. I can't go there, for my will to drink will override my reslove not to drink every time. It's hard, yes, you're right about that, and I applaud you for getting on track so quickly after this incident. Good to see you back.

Jo,

I was invited to a neighborhood party after being sober for about 3 weeks. I really wanted to go and my husband wanted to go too. I didn't drink, but I had the most miserable time. I felt like climbing the walls and I hated that everyone was drinking and enjoying themselves. I went home sober, got up the next morning and went out and bought alcohol. So...like you, I learned that I needed to stay away from situations like that.

Welcome back :)

Welcome home, Jo...glad you're back! :)

This one hits close to home. One of my prior attempts at sobriety ended like that as well. I was underestimating the pressure certain social situations were creating. And the part where one is watching how many drinks the other people have and "adjusting" to it while not being entierly satisfied...I did that too, and felt similar guilt and sadness afterwards.
But unlike you, I continued drinking for a year and it took me mentally to quite horrible places. Kudos to you for being assertive and going back to your support system so quickly. Ok, so the occasion arose and you drank-it was just too much of a drinking setting too soon, but you got back in the saddle. Now that you had this experience, you know for sure. Don't beat yourself up and don't be too anxious about situations to come. Eventually, in this process, there will be a time when social situations are becomig less threathening. Less threathening yes, but atleast for me, never harmless.
Most of the time I just tell the people I am with that I am not drinking any alcohol anymore, as a protective measure.

What one can really feel from your post is your willingness to commit to sobriety and to reach out for help. You have a good attitude about what happened and I am sure you will succeed. But please give yourself some time to recover- it takes time and the "head not shutting up part" is something many people experience early in recovery and that gets better. Good luck Jo and all the best,
S.

I think you'll be fine if you continue your commitment to sobriety. You just had to realize how vulnerable we all are. And on your chosen last last drink day of November, 15th I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to wish my best friend Jackie a Happy Birthday. She would have been 46 on that day. She died at 42 from liver failure. Always the one that kept the party going.
Food for thought I hope. Take care and keep posting.
PS: I too would like to avoid situations like that, I'm not really looking forward to the holidays this year. Too early for me.

good to have you back Jo :)

D

Thanks....those cravings whch had diminished are back in full force...for a very brief period of time I felt at peace between 5 and 7 at night. Not now....ughh...keeping busy.

Saphie...sorry to hear of your friend.:( What is interesting is my elevated liver enzymes are what eventully lead me to where I am now. My dr asked me to stop drinking for a month to see if they'd go down. I couldn't stop. I found my way here and then to AA. I will think of your friend when my knuckles are white and I am climbing the walls. thanks!

Jo

Keep going to AA, get a sponsor, and work the program. It does get easier, believe it or not. But for now the smartest thing to do is avoid any situation where alcohol is present. Your little friend sitting on your shoulder will keep whispering that it's ok, that you can handle it. But you've just learned a very valuable lesson. It's not ok, you can't handle it. Welcome to the club.

Hi Jo - thanks for that helpful post. I did the same thing, but it was after 3 years of sobriety. I went on a date for the first time in ages & when wine was ordered I picked it up and started drinking - didn't even hesitate. Next day I thought to myself, "See, I can control it - I feel ok." Wrong. That fateful night led to 7 yrs. of hell. I almost didn't make it back. I think the frightening thing was, I didn't even try to talk myself out of drinking again, or what the consequences might be. What was I thinking? Nothing - my mind was blank. I fell right back into my old ways as if I'd never stopped.

Now that you've learned more about yourself and this disease - you are armed with that knowledge & can go forward a bit stronger & wiser. I know you can do this.

I'm glad you didn't take my mentioning my friend the wrong way. It was just the date that reminded me and it seemed too much of a coincidence not to mention it. Sometimes fate takes over I guess. As for your elevated liver enzymes, I'm not going to give medical advise as everybody is different and I'm no doctor; however I wanted to let you know that in my case the levels went way down after I stopped drinking and are now normal. Try and stay sober by thinking positive, it helped me a lot more than white knuckling it or climbing walls. There will be moments of course, bad ones even, but it's getting passed them by doing whatever takes your mind off it that will get you through. Don't let those moment eat away at you, don't let them win. Here's a hug from me: :ghug3

Sounds like you learned something about yourself and your "dark side". (That's how I refer to my addictive, self-destructive side) I would not call that a total loss.