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Old 11-16-2009, 05:12 PM
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Thank you so much Kev. Your an awesome friend. Love you too!!
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:18 PM
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:06 PM
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I did a search for my area and came up with a number. So i called and left a message and they got right back to me within like 5 mins. I was surprised.
Like I knew, there is only one meeting in my area. And one other one just in the next town on Sunday. The one here is on Friday. He said getting a ride may take some work. He is very familiar with many women who attend the meeting by me. And he said they also go to the ones more North of me. In Saratoga. So thats in the total opposite direction of the drug spot.
He asked if he could give my number to whoever he finds that would be willing to give me a ride. And of course I said yes.
So he said it may take a couple days to find out about the ride. But he said just get to the meeting by me and try and raise my hand and explain my situation and someone may be able to help.
He was very nice.
I am so sleepy but cant fall asleep.
I feel anxious. My leg is hopping around. And my mind is going a million different directions.
Anyway, thx again everyone.
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:14 PM
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wtg When I was living out in the country I used to go to AA meetings to, so when you wake up give them a bell as well. Hope your getting some sleep.
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I did a search for my area and came up with a number. So i called and left a message and they got right back to me within like 5 mins. I was surprised.
Like I knew, there is only one meeting in my area. And one other one just in the next town on Sunday. The one here is on Friday. He said getting a ride may take some work. He is very familiar with many women who attend the meeting by me. And he said they also go to the ones more North of me. In Saratoga. So thats in the total opposite direction of the drug spot.
He asked if he could give my number to whoever he finds that would be willing to give me a ride. And of course I said yes.
So he said it may take a couple days to find out about the ride. But he said just get to the meeting by me and try and raise my hand and explain my situation and someone may be able to help.
I'm proud of you for taking action and making that call Trish. I know it's a little "outside of the box" for you but it's a step in the right direction.
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:50 AM
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I cant sleep. I have slept maybe 3 hrs since Sat. I like pass out but wake right back up like 20 mins later.
I feel like I am in a nightmare and cant wake up.
I cant stop thinking that I have done this again.
I hope they have a bed today. The more I sit here with nothing to do. The more it is making me sink inside.
I wish this was just all a bad dream. But its not.
I gotta get some rest. I am so exhausted.
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:34 AM
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trish, thats all the Rat's voices talking to you!

do not listen...

put the ear-plugs in, and Gag theose Rats!

this a perfect time to turn to a Power Greater then yourself,

and those freak'n Rats!

wishing you all the best for this day trish

xxooxxoo

p
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:09 AM
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Is 30 minutes a really long time? you can do it. The best groups I have are in the city and I have to use a bus, a commuter train and then a subway to get there. It takes about 45 minutes door to door. If the meetings are scheduled at non-rush hour times, it takes an hour.
If it is rush hour and the system is working, it can be as little as 35 minutes.
But, if I start to grumble a bit, I always remind myself: what would I be doing with that hour, that hour and a half for the meeting, and the hour home? I would be drinking senselessly, and feeling miserable at the end of the night.
Whereas with the meeting, I feel vitalized at the end of the night.
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:15 AM
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Yea..I understand that. But now I have no vehicle. I live in the country kinda and they dont have busses or taxis here. ANd those meetings are dead in the middle of the drug spots. I will go to the ones close to me. But thats only 2 days a week if I can get a ride now.
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:57 AM
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I hope you can get some quality sleep very soon Aysha. I always find that most everything seems worse to me when I'm exhausted.

Could you ask your Dad for a lift to a meeting and have him stay for the meeting?
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:24 AM
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My dad lives an hour away.
He has enough to deal with already and he has helped me alot the past couple days while juggling Dr appts for his wife, custody battles with my sister.
My van is back here now thanks to my father. Man it looks more tore down than it usually does.
About how I feel.
No bed again today. If there isnt one tomorrow I am just going to ER.
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
No bed again today. If there isnt one tomorrow I am just going to ER.
Don't stop trying Trish, no matter what. Maybe this has been asked already, but is there a Salvation Army in your area you can try for help? What about churches? I initially found help in Celebrate Recovery, a Christian program.

It might be too soon to think about doing service work, but if you don't have anything else to do and the idle time is causing you to contemplate using again, how about doing some volunteer work, especially with the holidays coming up? Anything to take the focus off you and to get yourself out of your own head might help a little.
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:39 AM
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I'm going to try and get some dang sleep. I am running on nothign right now. I feel like I am going to fall asleep just sitting here. I keep nodding out but am wide awake like a half hour later.
I cant even see strait.
There are Salvation Armys around here. But for rehab they only house men. As far as volunteering. I am not up for that right now. I can hardly keep my head up right now.

If nothing gives tomoorw, I am going into panic, emergency mode. I need to get somewhere. The more I sit and think. The more depressed I get and hopeless.
ut I will be ok for now. I just need some sleep. Really bad.
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I'm going to try and get some dang sleep. I am running on nothign right now. I feel like I am going to fall asleep just sitting here. I keep nodding out but am wide awake like a half hour later.
I cant even see strait.

If nothing gives tomoorw, I am going into panic, emergency mode. I need to get somewhere. The more I sit and think. The more depressed I get and hopeless. I just need some sleep. Really bad.
I'm very familiar with the sleeplessness and anxiety Trish, I went through that my first few weeks sober. I'd sleep for 15 min. to 1/2 an hour, then I'd be up pacing around the house. After a couple weeks of that I couldn't sleep at all, and that's when I got really suicidal. I checked myself into the ER, by the afternoon I was in the mental hospital. Not the route I'd recommend, but if it works, it takes what it takes.
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Old 11-17-2009, 01:01 PM
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I managed to get a little over an hour sleep this time. But yet woke right up and here I am again.
I talked to my former boss earlier and told her, I didnt take the money. I know how it looks and I dont know what else to tell her except I didnt take it. i know I took the money in and put it in the drawer. But whatever she may think, she needs to keep her eyes and ears open. Bceause if I didnt take it had of went somewhere. I feel so helpless with that. I hate it that I cant prove myself and that my integrity is being questioned and I cant do anything about it. To know you really didnt do something and know that people think you did. Especially something liek that. If I did do it it wouldnt bother me at all/ But this really bithers me. Before I was like F em, proove it. Now I want to prove it to them I really didnt.
Its so frustrating.
My life is crap. I cant get that empty, sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach.
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Old 11-17-2009, 01:10 PM
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I think you'll have plenty of opportunities in life to prove your integrity Trish. But like I mentioned before, I have to walk the walk to do that. A good way to start is by staying clean and sober, no matter what, the rest will fall into place as you start "practicing the principles in all your affairs", whether it's through a 12-Step program or some other form of recovery.
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Old 11-17-2009, 01:11 PM
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Something I thought of Aysha, when I was on a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric ward, I had a case worker, she did all the footwork to get my insurance sorted and get me the care I needed (outpatient, in my case). I remember there being other patients who were going into residential drug treatment and it was their case workers who arranged their bed. I dunno if it makes a difference if it's a social worker, counselor, etc calling just putting that out there.
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Old 11-17-2009, 01:35 PM
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Trish, you are a rock in my eyes. I'm sorry that you are here once again and I hope you know I don't mean that in a "here we go again" [email protected] way......AT ALL!!!!! I think that world of you here Girl!!!

I have been to Oakwood, stayed for a week. They wanted to let me go after day 2 and I said "no!" I fought for what I wanted for in this system down here. I know you know.........

That was just the beginning for me, back in at St. Mary's too in their "mental" hospital and you know what? It was what I needed to do to get someone's [email protected] attention. A lot of kicking and screaming. Believe me, I saw LOT'S of girls get shuffled off to treatment centers and the one counselor at CARP wanted to send me to a sober house..........I would have been a mess. That "deal" would have been a mess. Yep, I had to fight too. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Things have changed, you know where I'm at today. I am one of your cheerleaders on here too Trish. I want to see you make it too. I know you're not looking for sympathy but I bet you'd kill for the right answers.

Good luck!! Keep on going, I know you can do this.
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:02 PM
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I feel so beat down. And not by my own self pity. Just defeated. There is no way but up from here. As low as I have been so many times. None of it seems to compare to this time. Before I lost unimportant things. And I really didnt vare then.
This time I lost alot inside me. I lost my dignity and integrity. And not by my own doing. Just by circumstance. I lost that dedication I had for a good few months. I just lost alot that was hard as hell to change inside of myself.
I didnt lose it but I did. Hard to explain.
I am finally ready to do whatever it takes to get this right.
I cant be worrying about cars and money and jobs now.
I need to get myself right first. And do it the right way. Not half assed. Not my way. I need to stop holding back and just let it all go and start completely over.
I am going to have to be very patient and rmemeber to be so grateful for every chance that I have had. Cause it sure could have ended so much worse so many times.
My dad saw my van and told me that could have been me and not the tires. No kidding.
I have been to every bottom I can stand. I cant take anymore.
I am going to lose my family if I dont get it together.
That is my worst fear.
I have stayed so close to SR and my baby cousins the past couple days it isnt even funny. That little 2 and half yr old baby has helped me so much this past 2 days. I have hugged her all day and just been stuck like glue to her and her brother.
I need that right now. Its sad that I need to depend on children to help keep my mind in percpective. But I do. They keep me wanting to try.
They make me see that I dont want to lose them. I dont want to lose my family. I dont want to be alone in hell. I want to get better.
I cant cry anymore.
I am just done.
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:27 PM
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I saw this post kind of late, but your first post reminded me of something I just read yesterday in this book Hooked by Lonny Shavelson. It is a non-fiction book about the San Francisco treatment system and specifically the journey of five people trying to recover. This heroin addict Mike had about 6 months clean, his gf was about to give birth to their baby, he had a job, life seemed perfect, he seemed so happy and then out of nowhere he disappears on a drug run. Here is the excerpt, it is the author talking to another recovering addict named Darrell:

"This time," I tell Darrell, "I really don't get it. You should have seen him and Connie setting up that bassinet, and at Lamaze class—they were glowing. Teh guy's got everything going for him and—"
"That's exactly it!" interrupts Darrell. "That's when we do our worst, when things are at their best."
...
"People in recovery," says Darrell, "get this idea in their head—get clean, get your life together, and everything'll be hunky-dory. And then we do it! We get clean. We get a job, a relationship, a baby, whatever. And everything is not hunky-dory, and that scares the sh*t out of us."
"So you do whatever you can to destroy everything you've achieved?" I ask, incredulous.
"Of course," says Darrell. "Because we never believed we deserved it in the first place."
...
"I know just what's going on for Mike," says Darrell as we trudge down the hill toward Connie's car. "Look—I've just been accepted to be a drug counselor at Acceptance Place. It's the kind of job I've wanted all my life. I should be ecstatic but I've never felt sh*ttier. I can't trust these good things that are happening to me because I've never had the experience, never stayed sober long enough to find out what Darrell is like as a sober, upstanding citizen. I mean, it's totally new territory, this 'you're doing OK' place. And I promise you, Mike's never known that place either. All we've ever heard, from ourselves and everyone else, is that we're the scum of the earth and we'll never amount to anything. So even if you find Mike stoned in Connie's car now, he's going to be in more familiar turf than the Mike you saw at that Lamaze class. And he's going to want to stay right there. And then what do you do?"
I am not saying that is what you said or that is what you did but I personally found parallels to my own feelings and experiences in this excerpt so I thought I would share.

Relapse definitely is not the end and it looks like you have used it to get yourself into a place that will have a lot more support which is sometimes necessary. While I was typing that whole thing out, I was realizing how out of sorts I have been feeling lately and suddenly felt that I needed to be more gentle on myself because that is the thing, it is like getting used to a whole new way of being, yet we aren't little developing children we are adults who had to shed old selves and habits. It is hard work. And it can be depressing and lonely at times even when it seems like it should be the best of times. I wish you the best. I hope at the new rehab you meet some great people!
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