Surlyredhead

(((((Trish))))) My stomach was turning reading your post, I know exactly how you are feeling. For me, when I finally went to the health department for a referral to a rehab facility, I was so tired...SO tired, I wasn't even scared to go. I was so beaten down morally, physically and mentally, I figured that if I was still alive, I might as well learn to live again. Then I went, it was a 90 day inpatient treatment, I stayed a year and a half. I worked as a moniotor after I completed for my room and food, and I got $150 a month to spend. I kept up with outpatient groups, but lived at the facility. I had to go "all in" or fail.

Not long after I moved out of the treatment facility, I was at an open talk, the person speaking said something that has stuck with me to this day. I refer to it often, quite simply, they said.

"When the pain of our situation, becomes worse than our fear of change, then we will change."

Trish, is the pain worse than the fear yet? If the answer is yes, then it is time to change. Life will NEVER get better while we still use, even a little bit. I am pulling for you, I really am. I have learned a lot from you since I joined SR, I hope in some small way, I can help you too!

Cathy

Aysha

The pain has been worse for some time now. But I guess not enough to make me want to make the necessary changes needed. This time has really affected me. The whole job thing and now being accused of stealing money I didnt take. That really bothers me. And I cant do anything about it.
And by me calling in and then wuitting just makes it that much worse.
But I need to stop thinking about it. Its done and there isnt anything I can do with that situation.
Now its just time to focus on never putting myself in that type of situation ever again.

I called back to the facility and they do not have a bed today. I have to call back in the morning.
My dad is letting me borrow the money to tow my van cause he couldnt get the wheels off to fix the tires.
I am really surprised he is helping but relieved too.
As long as I am willing to help myself he will be there for me.
And thats how it should be.
I am on my last chance. I have to do it 100% this time.
I have finally gotten to that point where I am done thinking for myself and resisting the help I need. No more dodging help that I dont agree with. And really how can I say that if I have never really even gave it a chance?
I need to stop being so hard headed.
Thx again everyone. Sorry for draggin this thread out. But it is helping me alot. I know I seem needy and clingy. I am sry but truth is that I am and this is the opnly place I can be safe and feel comfortable until I go inpatient.
You all already know how I feel about SR.
I am forever grateful for everyone here.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I'm sorry about the money at work. I've got to say this, though...had you stayed at work, remained the loyal, good-working employee that you've been all along, it probably wouldn't be an issue.

I've been one of the people in the cash register at work, when money is missing...EVERYONE knows my crack history, but they also know that the drawer has never, ever been short on me. Now, if I were to quit, or disappear? Yep, I'm going to be the number one suspect, just like you, because of our history.

The consequences are just going to get worse and worse, sweetie. You've always been able to find another job, you've always been able to come back to grams, you're family gets mad, but always eventually forgives you...what's going to happen if one of these "always's" doesn't happen? You keep doing this **** and that's what's gonna happen.

You know I love ya, and I care, SO MUCH, about you, but I'm frustrated and worried. I want you to be around for a long, long time and at the rate you're going, you're not. I don't want grams having to bury you or have to visit you in prison.

Do what you gotta do ((Trish))...I'm always here for you, okay?

Love, hugs, and prayers!!

Amy

Astro

I've been out of the country for a couple weeks and out of the loop on SR Trish, but after reading most of this post and your thread about NA meetings, I can see that "it's happened again".

Maybe it will be different this time? All you can do is try something different, you know that doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results is insanity. I hope you'll pry your mind open a little further, maybe stay at those meetings until you get it and a miracle happens. If you don't, the alternative might be.....well I don't even want to think about that. What happens when dad and grams aren't around in years to come Trish, what then?

You're loved so much here Trish, you have to know that we really want the best for you, every time there's a glimmer of hope we cheer and cheer for you. If I could fill your pockets with even 1/10th of the gifts that I've been given just this year I'd gladly share them with you, cuz I can't imagine what this place (or Facebook) would be like without you.

I agree, just do what you gotta do, but please do it and stick with it. Second chances don't keep raining down on us, take one of them and hold on before it's too late.

Aysha

I am relizing all of that.
I have wasted most of my life being a screw up.
I want to be free of this so bad.
But at the same time I dont know if it will ever happen.
Its hard to explain.
I want it more than anything. And right now I am finally willing to do whatever it takes. I really am. I have never been willing to do that.
I am not thinking about a job or bills right now. Iam but its not a concern.
My getting and STAYING clean is priority one. For the first time I am going to take that advice that I have been given so many times and do it.
No more excuses, no more playing around, no more ego. No more.
I dont care if they tell me to do cart wheels naked down the street. If thats what works and will get me to reamin in recovery. I am ready to do anything.
I need to learn how to make recovery a daily thing. And not think after a couple months that I dont need to stay on top of it.
It is maintenance. A daily one. Minute by minute sometimes. I get that thinking where after awhile clean I feel like its all ok and I am in the clear.
I will never be in the clear. And I know that as soon as one feels comfortable and thinks it wont happen again. Thats exactly when it will.
I just need to stop it and get out of my own way. Seriously.
I am finally ready to listen to those who are doing what I need and want so bad.
Its the only thing I havent given a chance. And the one thing that seems to be working for many.
I give up trying to rationalize anything on my own.

Aysha

The **** has hit the fan some more.
My gram is drinking right now. She opened her big mouth and told my cousin she isnt babysitting to orrow because she has to take me to the hospital.
Not true. She just doesnt want to babysit cause she is drinking.
So now my cousin calls her mom and tells her whats going on and my aunt is in vegas right now on vacation. The first vacation her and my uncle have had by themsleves ever.
So my aunt calls and thinks she has to come home an that her car isnt safe and all that kinds of crazy stuff.
I really know how to wreck other peoples lives too.
I feel like the biggest POS right now.

Astro

This is what it takes for me Trish. I wake up and live, eat, and breathe recovery. The only time I'm in the clear is when recovery is always in the back of my mind. I have to walk the walk, and talk the talk. I know that might sound kinda stupid, but I can't argue with something that's worked for as long as it has. After all, my plan never worked at all. As for "doing whatever it takes" I'm still proving that to myself, and nobody else, one day at a time.

Dee74

Just focus on yrself Trish - forget the family stuff, and any other white noise.

D

Mattcake

... You slipped after many months of sobriety. So okay, something is not working, I'm definitely not downplaying the situation. But why are you bringing your entire life to a screeching halt and meltdown? Why don't you pick yourself up, learn from this mistake, redouble your efforts and commitment to recovery, and keep moving forward? You've done it plenty of times before, you *can* do it. For good.

ly

Aysha

What do you mean? Sry. I am not understanding.

nogard

How is it going Trish, have you got to a meeting yet? I know you dont have a car but go be with some other addicts who are recoverying, call NA or AA office and ask for someone to call you, pick you up and take you to a meeting. Even if you hate NA and AA do something for you and as Dee says forget the white noise.

Aysha

I do plan on starting meetings.
Right now my focus is on getting to treatment to get that head start.
Which I have to call again in the morning.
There were no beds available today.
I had posted earlier that I was going to call the hotline and see if I could get rides.
I dont hate NA. I just didnt connest with it. And really it was more of me not wanting to do the work. The going everyday or every other day. It was an inconvenience to me. But no more thinking that BS.
What is the real inconvenience is going through this crap over and over. Destroying everything that took months to build back up in one night. Compared to an hour a day or even every other day or few days. That is nothing compared to the endless BS that is addiction.
I am done making up my own rules on recovery.
It was like I had my own program going on in my mind. You know how us addicts are. We know it all. I dont know **** except my way is def the wrong way.

And if what happens last time I tried to go inpatient, Then I will do any and everything that is offered and that I know I can do.
I really think I need IP. I want IP for many reasons.
But if I cant , I cant. And I am not going to be discouraged by it like last time. I will try IOP again and def do meetings. I will finally give up on doing it my way, on my own.

nogard

Why not go to a meeting or two while you wait. The coffee is free and so is the company

Aysha

Because there arent any in my town until Friday. The nearest opnes are 30 mins away. I wouldnt have time anyway. Its almost 7pm here. I am sure getting a ride and callig can take some time. If I dont go to IP tomorrow morning. I will call and do just that.

Aysha

Or I could even call right now so I am set tomorrow in case I dont go. Thats a plan..right?
Where do I find the number?

nogard

which state are you in?

Aysha

I am in Clifton Park, New York. Saratoga county.

Mattcake

Well, what I mean is... Why do you think that going to inpatient rehab etc is a good idea? You're sober now, is there any chance you could get some help while -at the same time- salvaging and rescuing the life you worked so hard to build for yourself?

I'm just worried because the last time you tried to deal with the rehab bureaucracy it just made the whole situation even worse.

nogard

Trish tricky from 8,000 miles away but phone the first No on this list and they will help you out, if not phone the next one ....

Virginia NA • Narcotics Anonymous • VA

I love you.

Aysha

I need IP for the same reaosn as before.
I know how I am and how I get. I knwo it is up to me to be responsible and do what I have to do. But right now I think I need structure. Dicipline. And I ant do that on my own at the moment.
What is there left to salvage? I lost it all in one night.
I keep trying to do it without IP and try to commit to IOP or even thinking about meetings. But I never follow through. I get too caught up in trying to slavage my life. Thats what gets me back to where I always end up.
I need to be somehwhere where I cant make the calls. I need to be told what to do and how to do it.
If it doesnt happen then I will go the other routes. IOP again and meetings anything I can do.