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Old 11-16-2009, 04:54 AM
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Trish, I read this yesterday but was speechless. What could I possibly say that might help? I came here this morning to all these amazing comments & I have little to add to all this wisdom and love that's been showered on you. I'd like to add my support & love. When I first got here, you were already here with your brutally honest & open way of looking at the world & sizing things up. You helped me alot.

I agree that something seems different this time. You say you've talked the talk, but maybe you never truly felt your own words deep in your soul. It is possible that really was your last dance with the devil. It can be!! I SO hope it's over.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:47 AM
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I have gotten like 2 hrs sleep. My father is on his way over now.
I dont know whats going to happen today. But I am def going to the ER.
He has his wife with him. I am not happy about that. But whatever.
It all seems to hit alot harder after resting some.
What did I do??!!
I should be getting ready to go to work right now. Not this.
I am so tired of wrecking everything. Having to start back at square one.
I feel sick. I cant believe I did this again.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:54 AM
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Thumbs up Awesome!

Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
So honestly I am going in mental health suicidal and depressed. I have to do something to get their attention. If I dont get help, I will die. Not jail, dead.
I dont know if I could take another rejection from them. I will feel totally defeated then.
And I dont mean I am going to harm myself. I will die in the streets eventually. I need the tools, the guidance, the knowledge. I need to be locked away for awhile. I need to be all recovery 24/7 for awhile. Not when it is convenient to me. ANd i know its all up to me to do it. But I need a hand to get started. And being locked away is the only way I see.
Honestly Trish, that is a great recovery plan! Stop fighting all those mental health issues and conditions and just let it all go this time, just let it happen. forget any of the usual negatives and just Get The Help! Just let it happen

yeah, being locked up in residential was the only way for me to get a great start into my recovery too. Took me 3 months. Recovery 24/7 worked! Just roll with it!



best wishes, Trish
RR
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:51 AM
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There's nothing wrong with being at square one Aysha. You are lucky to be at square one.

Wishing you well today. Good for *you*
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:26 AM
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My thoughts and prayers are with you today! :ghug3
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:03 AM
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Well my father just left. He is going to go and tow my car out and bring it here so I have a vehicle to find work and get to where I need to go when I get back. It will still have the flats until I get the money to fix it.
I wont have the keys until I get help. I am handing the title over as well so I cant sell it either.
Which was what I was going to do in my drug haze yesterday. I was just going to junk it to get it out of there and to get money to get high more. Is that sick or what?

I am calling to see if there is a bed in the place I was beofre to bypass the ER since he wont take me. My gram has no way of getting me there right now cause she has kids she is babysitting.
A whole bunch more of excuses. If this place still wants me to go to ER first. I am calling an ambulance to come get me.

I am so angry now at myself. For letting this happen again.
I still have to call my job and see if they found that money that went misiing. It wasnt even my shift. I took the money in like 10 mins before the next person came in. I recorded it in the system and put the money in the drawer. The next guy who is new never counted the drawer while I was there. I know I put that money in the drawer because I just got done pulling ym drop and recounting the drawer down to where it should be. The guy checking in came in right when I was doing that. I told him to hang on so I could finish counting as to not mess up my numbers by adding his money before I counted down cause I had already closed my shift. I even remember what he gave me and the change I gave him. So that money was suppose to be in the next persons count.
I quit my job and this happens. I didnt know there was an issue wityh money until I told her I was leaving. And she told me that there was money missing and that she thinks that looks bad now that I am quitting.
I even called her for that check in because I had to put the deposit on a credit card and he payed for the room in cash. I am not that stupid to call my boss and ask about a transaction and then take it.
I am over the stealing. I wouldnt do that. And I know that money has to be there somewhere.
But I do see how that looks. How do I go from the dedicated employee who they consider an asset and is one of the dependable ones to this?? I do know but I am so tired of doing like I know I can and then really making myself look like this. This is not the real me. What they see when I am there everyday doing like I do and being reliable is who I am.
Today is really hard emotionally and mentally. All the shame and guilt is amplified.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:29 AM
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Ah, Trish, I'm so sorry for you. It was always completely demoralizing and heartbreaking when I found myself, yet again, tearing down some semblance of a life I had built back up. Made me want to give up and quit. I resigned myself more than once to just dying an alcoholic death.

But somewhere there, I had a little bit of hope. I had nothing left to lose. I got willing to take suggestions from people that had sucessfully recovered from the same place I'd been. I didn't really think it would work for me, being a die-hard atheist, but I saw that it worked for them. I could either keep doing what I was doing, or try it their way. Those smug, self-righteous AAers.

I got to a place, Trish, where I couldn't maintain the delusion that I would ever get it figured out. I couldn't believe the lie any longer that I would be able to pull it together.

I kept looking for bottoms. Some event that would serve as a wake up call and get me to see the light. After every one of my drunken escapades, crashing a car or being arrested, or some other slap to the face, I'd falsely believe that it would be enough to get me to see the light.

It never was. Just when I'd put the pieces together, and get a new chance, I'd tear it right down again. What it did for me was get me hopeless. It got me willing to take the same actions that had worked for others.

Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I dont understand it. How can someone that has so much going for them still want to go do that ****??!! I dont understand!
I think this is key. This is what powerless means. Why would I, after getting my life back together, try that old game once again, knowing where it would lead me?

It's because I'm powerless. I'd lost the power of choice when it came to drinking. And the wake up calls and good things in my life didn't prevent me from picking up that bottle. It's the nature of addiction.

The last thing I wanted was spiritual help. The idea made my skin crawl. But what else was I going to do? The delusion that I would ever recover was shattered. I knew, for the first time in my heart, that I would never beat this thing.

So I picked up the phone that day and called a guy who had beaten this thing. He talked about a spiritual awakening as being my only hope. With nothing to lose, I followed his directions.

And something changed for me. I recovered. I didn't do anything special. Just a run of the mill, hopeless alcoholic who was willing to take directions. I didn't always agree with the directions, but I was willing to follow them anyway.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:46 AM
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I started denying sprituality a long time ago. I dont know why. And God has been my enemy for some reason. I use to go to church with my best friend when we were teens. And it really did alot for me. I stopped getting in trouble at school. I became this person that stuck up for the kids that got picked on all the time. I had gotten honor roll for the first and only time in 9th grade.
Its not that I dont believe in God. I just feel let down I guess. Like why would God let things happen to people. I have prayed and fallen to the floor begging for help from this addiction. And it seemed like my cries went ungeard.
If God didnt care enough to make me stop, why should I?
But it isnt up to him. I know when I read this thing I get in email sometimes about God answering prayers in funny ways. I see that. I see it all the time and I do believe that I have a helping hand in alot that I do. I wouldnt be here right now if not. I should be dead. I am very lucky to have what I have after doing the things I have done. So I cant just shrug it off completely.
I do need to restore my spiritulaity. I have felt it crucial this last attempt but was looking elsewhere. To other things like Buddhism that I felt I connected with more. But truth be told, I dont get those beliefs either. They seem more complicated to me. I need to just go with what I know. And just have faith I guess.
Stop trying to fit a spiritual path to myself and just do what feels right.
Instead of molding myself to what I want to feel right.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:51 AM
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I'm no Christian, Trish. Just a recovered alkie with a deep and effective spiritual life, in spite of myself. I can sum up God today as a whole bunch of I don't know. I just know it works.
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Old 11-16-2009, 08:57 AM
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Aysha,
You do realize that using causes depression. My son was seeing an addiction psyciatrist and was just beginning to figure out his triggers, but was not ready to do the work. His
psychiatrist told him that even if he stopped the drugs, depression would be a part of his life for at least a year. I guess that's how long it takes for the chemical imbalance that using causes to work it's way out of your system. Some people use because they are depressed, rather than deal with the depression, they mask it. The chicken or the egg? You will figure it out, but probably not without support and working a program.
Good luck.
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Old 11-16-2009, 10:01 AM
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I just all of a sudden got this calm that has come over me.

My worries about a job and a vehicle have lessened.

My regrets are fading.

I just want to do this and make it stick.
But at the same time a tremendous fear has come on. Thinking about going away. Having to start over again and really seriously tackle this thing at all cost. I dont think I have ever fully done that yet.

Its like I am as low as I can go and now I have no choice but to start from the lowest bottom and try my best to rebuild. Not from my pride and ego this time. But from nothing. Not with all these ideas of how I am going to do it. But going right into the unknown and putting my trust in all that I have avoisded for so many years. Trusting that what others have done and what they will tell em to do will work. Letting go of my control. But I lost that a long time ago anyway.

Its hard to trust anyone when you feel like you dont get it.
But I will be open minded and willing to learn and try.
That is the only option left.
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Old 11-16-2009, 10:20 AM
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Good. That's great. If you can't get into a rehab, you can use that and get to an AA or NA meeting and recover at home if need be. No time like the present!!!

Good LUCK!!! You can do this.
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Old 11-16-2009, 11:16 AM
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All packed. Just waiting for the call back.
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Old 11-16-2009, 11:32 AM
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A part of us goes with you, Trish.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:27 PM
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I just called my job and she didnt find that money. This is total ****! For once I didnt take it. I know I put it in the drawer. I had to have the mgr walk me through the process because it was a split transaction. That money is somewhere.
So not only have I wrecked my rep of being a reliable dedicated employee, but now they think I am a thief too.
I had no problems admitting when I did that at the one job a couple years ago. I didnt out right admit it o them. But I did do what I was suppose to and pay it back through the courts.
I didnt take it this time. I feel so helpless right now.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:39 PM
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Trish, I love you cos you are just as ****** as me.

You can go months, same as me.

You could walk through rehab, relapse and not give a ****.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:47 PM
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You could walk through rehab, relapse and not give a ****.
I dont get that.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:49 PM
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You still think it is not you, all these people waffling on, aren't about you.

What will it take?
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I dont get that.
Me neither.
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Old 11-16-2009, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by stone View Post
You still think it is not you, all these people waffling on, aren't about you.

What will it take?
I still dont understand what your saying. Sry.
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