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Old 11-15-2009, 05:54 PM
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:10 PM
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Thx everyone. It may sound strange. But being honest and doing my best to own up for my wrongs without excuses just makes it more real and the seriousness of it is felt. I Because thats just how I feel right now. No excuses. No blame games. Its all on me and my lack of taking the proper actions. I know this and have no problems admitting and accepting it. Now I need to fix it. I could sit here and beat myself down. But I know I am down. I really messed up in a big way. And its not so much the job and van and all that. I really thought I was going to make it this time. I thought it was over. Like my biggest wish had been granted. The impossible possible. And I let it go. And so easily too. I am just so disappointed and ashamed. And at the same time at a loss for words and actions. I feel like throwing my hands up and sdaying forget it all. But there is just somehting inside me that wont let me. I have tried so many times to give up. I just cant do it. But really I am every time I go out. I am just doing it slower and more painfully.

My way is never the right way. I know it. I been known it. I have control issues I guess. I dont try to connect with what makes me uncomfortable. Like 12 steps. But I need to change that. And I am willing to do just about anything at this point.

When my gram had to come get me today. She said " When are you going to stop this ****? Your almost 40." That rang so loud. I am 34 but hearing that really threw me off. Its like where the hell has my life gone? It was all fun and cute in my late teens and 20's. But dang! I am about to be pushing 40. That is freakin crazy!!

Bam, I know I have been ghost like around here. And I have thought about that for awhile now. Its like I didnt want to read anythign here. And I felt I had nothing to add. I found myself sick of the whole recovery maintenance and thats another reason I am sure why I went. I still need to get it through my head that this is a lifetime process. Its not like I am going to be cured..cause I'm not.
I know I have mental issues. Not major ones but I know I have some depression and possibly some bi polar things going on. I do swing up and down in a split second. I am either in a real good mood or a real bad mood. No grey area. I think I dont want to accept that. Because then I feel like a freak. Pretty funny how admitting I have depression freaks me out but being a raging crack addict is ok.
I dont want to believe I am crazy or mental in any way. Not that its bad. It just makes me feel real weak and like I am a basket case. Which I probably am.
I am going in this time full force. Yes I am going to go into the ER down and out and wanting to check out. I have to in order for them to take me serious. And really. nin is right. It isnt any differetn than what I am doing now. Just a slower process. But this time I am going in and letting go of the controls. I have to. Its going to be so hard to do that. But thats the number one thing I have to do in order to make it.

I dont want to die like this. I dont want to look back and regret this time I have left with my gram. I dont want to be in this kind of place when I am 40. I just want to be a normal, functioning human being. I want what all of you have. And I want to be ok with it like all of you are. I am so sick of this battle in my brain over lifestyles. I do have serious issues with letting go of that life. But not now but back when it was fun and it didnt have so many consequences. I am just chasing the past. I need to get over that too if I am ever going to make it. It will never ever be like it use to be back then. The sooner I accept it. The better I will be.
I am so ahsamed for when the rest of my family hears about this. I was doing so amazing. And just like that..Its like it never happened.
I need some rest. I have alot to do tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for just listening and letting me vent and get some of this out.
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:11 PM
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It doesn't have to be so complicated, Trish. It doesn't have to be so hard. It doesn't matter why you relapsed - not right this minute, anyway. When I'm scrambling to get a foothold, I try to come up with a plan of action. For me, I pick up the phone and call someone, and/or I go to a meeting. I talk it out BEFORE I pick up. At least, that's the way it happens today.

There is no magic bullet. You have the ability to begin getting well right here, right now. Start where you are.

And whatever you do, never give up.
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:19 PM
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My father is big with AA. He doesnt go anymore but still lives his sober life accordingly. He keeps telling me I need to call someone and talk to someone when I am feeling like that. But I dont go anywhere to meet others like me. I get what you all are saying. I let my personal opinions get in the way of that. Well I know now that my opinion isnt important. I need to do what works. And everything I have done so far isnt it.

I dont know how I am going to dig myself out of this one. But I am going to do it. And I will be calling hotlines for rides and all that stuff. I need to swallow my pride and stop being so self riteous. (SP) I have a serious ego and yes I can be very very arrogant. And I hate that about myself.
I need to take things slower. I tried doing way too much the past few months. School and trying to be the perfect employee. Trying to make up for years of being liek this in months.
I have stopped all that thinking too much tho. Thats a load off my mind.
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:24 PM
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I haven't been around long enuf to get to know you, but I am scared for you. I wish I had helpful words to say. You will be in my thoughts. You CAN get thru this. You MUST!! You have so many people here that care about you, count me as one please?
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:26 PM
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I dont want to die like this
Then it's time to get busy. If your dad was into the Fellowship, and you've already admitted that your OWN way has never been the RIGHT way -

it's time to start taking advice.

Being the person to never take advice
never follow directions

is what got you where you are right this minute.

stop it.

only you have the power to do that, hon.
Grab the phone book
make the call.

You've learned you can't do this alone.
And you know where to go to get help.

Please do it.
Otherwise,
the thread becomes an excersize
in self pity.

Make this time be THE time
that everything finally changes.
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Old 11-15-2009, 06:49 PM
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Trish,

as you know, i'm happy this Trish made it back!

its time for zip to unzip...

have you had enough of your strong will?

turn all of the crap, street shirt, and
"I am always so focused on what I dont like or connect with that I dont even really give it a chance."
let go of the I's

dammit!

you can do this you know,

you have a strong family here for support,

now, find some f2f!

and i do love you Trish
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Old 11-15-2009, 07:17 PM
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when we reach out, and ask, even cry for help...

we have to be willing to receive it...
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
Bam, I know I have been ghost like around here. And I have thought about that for awhile now. Its like I didnt want to read anythign here. And I felt I had nothing to add. I found myself sick of the whole recovery maintenance and thats another reason I am sure why I went. I still need to get it through my head that this is a lifetime process. Its not like I am going to be cured..cause I'm not.
I'm definetly not cured...nor do I ever expect to be. Much of the time I'm hanging on the best that I can....and I try my best to be positive...even though that's not my inclination.

Sometimes I don't have anything to say...so I read.

I don't like the maintenance, either, but...I have to do it for now. Patience is not one of my strong points.

It makes me wonder...the way some people talk about recovery around here is that they had an epiphany and all is well. That's not been my experience...and despite that I DO NOT think that I'm doing it wrong. Life sucks. It sucks whether using or not...but using just adds to the sh!t pile.

I'm a big believer in this: one does not have to 'feel' recovery in order to 'do' recovery. Sometimes being sober is the absolute last thing I want to do...and when I get like that I lay down and cry.

Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I know I have mental issues. Not major ones but I know I have some depression and possibly some bi polar things going on..
Hon, that is major. Depression is fairly common as far as mental illness goes, but it has very serious consequences. It makes me incredibly self-destructive. It gets really scary sometimes and it did get a lot worse when I sobered up. Iíd been masking my symptoms for years with booze. Some say this is PAWS, but itís not for me. My depression began at least a year before I started drinking. Looking back, I have to wonder if Iíve had it ever since my high school yearsÖI wouldnít be surprised. The more time that goes by the worse it gets.


Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I do swing up and down in a split second. I am either in a real good mood or a real bad mood. No grey area. I think I dont want to accept that. Because then I feel like a freak. Pretty funny how admitting I have depression freaks me out but being a raging crack addict is ok.
I had to smile when I read this, because I was way more willing to call myself an alcoholic and fully admit that to myself rather than consider that I have a mental illness.

Sadly, people with mental illness are stigmatized. I had to explain to a coworker yesterday that the reason Iím so fatigued (slow work performance) is because of depression. Not merely feeling blue, but actually having an imbalance that makes it impossible for me to function normally without assistance. The meds make me tired. The depression itself makes me tired. After I told her this her response was dismissive. People who have never been there absolutely do not understand and nothing anyone can say can make them understand. They donít know otherwise, so they believe that everyone is in control of their respective mental states. This is absolutely not true. I cannot Ďthinkí myself into a better mood. Itís not that simple.


Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I dont want to believe I am crazy or mental in any way. Not that its bad. It just makes me feel real weak and like I am a basket case. Which I probably am.
I donít think I am crazy or mental or a basket case or weak. I just have an illness that requires treatment in order to keep me alive and living well. Thatís all. Iím still me.


Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I am going in this time full force. Yes I am going to go into the ER down and out and wanting to check out. I have to in order for them to take me serious. And really. nin is right. It isnt any differetn than what I am doing now. Just a slower process. But this time I am going in and letting go of the controls. I have to. Its going to be so hard to do that. But thats the number one thing I have to do in order to make it.
Ninsuna has sage advice. Please be honest with them...now's not the time to downplay it.


Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I dont want to die like this. I dont want to look back and regret this time I have left with my gram. I dont want to be in this kind of place when I am 40. I just want to be a normal, functioning human being. I want what all of you have. And I want to be ok with it like all of you are.
Iím not okay with it. I donít like it and I donít have toÖbut I also donít have to be a prisoner to it. I fight back with therapy and medsÖand of course SR.

Some days I think Iíve made a lot of progressÖand other days, like during this weekend, I think I havenít changed at all. I have to remind myself that itís the depression talking when that happens. Iím riding it out right now. Even when my meds are Ďworkingí, I still have some shaky moments.


I hope the best for you, Trish. Keep us updated.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper View Post
when we reach out, and ask, even cry for help...

we have to be willing to receive it...
You are so right. Thats exactly what I have to do. Not pick and choose anymore. So here it is.
I am powerless and my life has been unmanageable for quite a long time.

Why saying that made me burst into tears this time....I hope its because I mean it.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:52 PM
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You'll do it darlin. I know you'll do it. Wish I could give you a real hug, but you have a cyber hug from me. Don't give up . . . please.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:53 PM
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It makes me wonder...the way some people talk about recovery around here is that they had an epiphany and all is well. That's not been my experience...and despite that I DO NOT think that I'm doing it wrong. Life sucks. It sucks whether using or not...but using just adds to the sh!t pile.
I think its not so much that they had a huge awakening and all turned roses. I think..and I see this in my father. He struggles alot. My dad has a rough life. And his health is bad and he has an ungrateful wife. But he is so grateful to be sober and proud to be sober. That those struggles now in no way compare to how they were when he was drinking. He def doesnt have to worry about going to prison anymore, or getting DUIs and coming home drunk and beating his wife. Then feeling bad about it afterwards.
My dad doesnt speak of his problems much. He always tells me he will have plenty time to rest when he is dead. But at the same time. He does do things he never did when he drank. He is home every night instead of in the bar. He has his own masonry business. He makes sure his wife and my neice have everything they need and want and then some. And he busts his ass, as tired as he is, as sick as he gets. He still trudges along. Because he is proud of his recovery. And I think that more than makes up for any problems he may have. He is more grateful for what he does have than what he doesnt now. So all those problems are just little hurdles now. All those years wasting away in the bar. Now he wastes no time trying to be a good father, husband, son and grandfather. I see all that without him even saying a word. Thats just my vision of my father. And he has his faults. Like when he doesnt speak to me for a year because I go get high. I hate that. And I think he could go about it differently. But maybe thats what he has to do for himself. Or maybe he sees something in me that he feels doing that will solve. I dont know. my dad is all about tough love. He hasnt turned his back on me this time. He came to the house and talked to me for a good hour about forgetting work and bills and all that stuff and told me I need to go work on mylsef and get help at all cost.
My dad has been this route already. He is 20+ yrs sober. Went from prison sentences for DUIs and other related things, to being my mentor, so to speak. My idol. He amazes me. I admire him so much for the simple fact that he has his sobriety. Him and I are the only ones in our family that went this path. I am at the age he was when he got sober. So my hope is that if I have followed ion his foot steps this far. That I will continue and keep the legacy of recovery going with myself as well.

My dads life sucks looking from the outside in. But he is the happiest man alive in his mind. And in reality his life is exactly how it should be. Life is life. You just have to keep rolling with the punches. And remain grateful.

I have to learn to do that more. I cant tell you how lucky I am to be alive, disease free and free. I dont know if I am very lucky or I have a purpose to fulfill here. Maybe its a cruel joke. I dont know. But for some reason I am still here. And not doing that bad for what I have done to myself. There are people out there that have it way worse that have never even seen a drug.
I think its time for me to start remembering that. Because one day my luck will run out. And like said in an earlier post. Death might be the best result compared to alternatives. Like being a vegetable, crippled, locked up for life and all that.
I better cash in while I can.
I cant sleep at all. I am so angry at myself. I just want to rewind and have a do over. Wish it would all just go away like ti never happened. I want my job back. I want my piece of **** van back. I want to be the routine type of person like I have been for awhile now. I was liking and getting use to routine. Now I have to throw it all in and focus on recovery at all cost. Another holiday season messed up by my own doing. I do this every year around this time. I dont know why. I dont go thinking..hey its the holiday season. Might as well go wreck my life. It just happens.

This will be the last. One way or another this is the last time.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:54 PM
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I am powerless and my life has been unmanageable for quite a long time.
Through it all we remain optimistic that you've taken the first step in a never ending journey down the right path. The path you've been on is a never ending path as well since you'll never find what you think you've been looking for. It's simply not there.
Even though we know it's not there the insanity will keep us looking for it time and time again. You're standing at the dreaded crossroads looking down another path that scares the hell out of you. It's new, it's frightening and you don't know if you'll be able to deal with whatever may jump out at you along the way. This is where we find the people that have been down this path and we stick our little finger in their beltloop as to not lose them and be lost in a place that we're not familiar with. We'll close our eyes, lose sight of what we're after and end up running right back where we came from because it's all we know.
Sort of like the haunted house at the carnival.
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Old 11-15-2009, 08:57 PM
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For what it's worth, I've always been real impressed with your writing abilities. The way you can put your life and your feelings down on paper is a gift that a lot of us don't have.
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Old 11-15-2009, 09:02 PM
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The path you've been on is a never ending path as well since you'll never find what you think you've been looking for. It's simply not there
I know. I am chasing the past. And I know dam well its never going to be like it use to be. Its never going to be as good or as fun. I am older, things and times change. I have responsibility now. I care what happens. Its not all about a party and getting messed up anymore. I need to grow up and let go of that. I know sorta why I go. Its to get high. But alot of it is that dang lifestyle. I am so addicted to that. I dont know why. Its one big freakin headache. Aggravating and chaotic. I like safe and calm now. It has grown on me and suits me well now.

Yea..I really need to work on letting go of that fantasy past.

Thx pinkcuda.
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Old 11-15-2009, 09:04 PM
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I just want to add... I hav ethought about this many times before. You all always tell me how honest I am with all of you. And I try to be. But I dont think I am honest with myself. I hear what I am saying to everyone else. But I dont take it for myself. If that makes sense.
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Old 11-15-2009, 09:25 PM
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One of the big mistakes society makes is that we think we can can use scare tactics. Sorry, we can't scare an addiction. We also can't reason with an addiction and we sure as hell can't run and hide from it either. It's just too powerful. We need help.
Here, maybe Rafiki can explain things better than I can. There's a powerful message right here in a childrens movie that a lot of us missed.
YouTube - The Best of Rafiki- The Lion King
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Old 11-15-2009, 09:32 PM
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Bingo Aysha!!

"...but I don't think I am honest with myself. I hear what I'm saying to everyone else. But I don't take it for myself. If that makes sense"

You made perfect sense! I think you just turned a corner.
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Old 11-15-2009, 10:00 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Glad you are checking in the hospital today.
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Old 11-15-2009, 11:43 PM
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(((Trish)))

I'm glad you made it back. I really, really hope you find what works, sweetie. You're a very good friend and I'm worried that you're NOT going to make it back one time. You're worth so much more - you really are.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy
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