killingmesmalls

I am in my mid thirties, yet my mom has a way of taking me back to feeling like a child very quickly. I have almost 90 days sober and waited until a week ago to let her know I was in AA. She was shocked, but supportive the first conversation. She also talked about how she has stayed sober - which I kind of did a "Whhhaaa?" all these years. My mother has repeatedly told me how guilty she has felt about her drinking and how alcoholism is so strong in our family. She has also liked to sit and point at everyone in her life and talk about what alcoholics they are - and she doesn't reserve it for just family, I can't think of of single friend she has had who she hasn't talked the same about. Maybe it is true - maybe we are all alcoholics, but to some extend I think she surrounds herself with people with drinking problems and likes to climb up on the soap box. She just lies, simply that is it. If she drinks that is her deal, I have never really seen it out of control like my own problem - but for all I know she kept it hidden. She tells me she hasn't had a drink in over 7 years - except on rare occasions and then limits it to one. Yet I hear stories from my aunt about how she goes through all their liquor and never replaces it.

I just don't know what to do with it I guess. It's always been this way, and I get tired of being lied to - and then made to feel weird about my own problem. I had to hang up tonight after she told me not to tell anyone that I was going to AA. Maybe I feed into it too much, but why the hell should I feel guilty about finally tackling my problem. WTF is wrong with you lady? I mean I love her, but good god she is not helpful sometimes and she has the ability to make me more insecure than anyone else. I held off telling her for this very reason - in my head I knew it would be like this. Why do I take it so personally? It's not like she is intentionally trying to sabotage my efforts to recover - maybe subconsciously? Does it matter? Does anyone else have mother issues like this? I am just regretting ever telling her.

NewMe11109

Most of us in AA don't tell others that we are in AA because of our respect for the anonymity of AA. But, as for whether we are alcoholics, this is a personal choice as to whether we tell others.

From your post, I am thinking that you feel that your mom was basically saying "don't tell anyone that you an alcoholic {because it is shameful to ... }"

For me, I am not at all ashamed that I am an alcoholic as I likely got it passed down through genetics as well. So, nothing I could do.

I have chosen not to advertise my alcoholism, but if asked in a point blank way, I will be honest about it with someone who has a reasonable need to know. For everyone else, I just say that "I'm not drinking today" and nothing more.

I agree with you that you want to get support for your recovery from others, but also know that you just have to do it for yourself.

My mother annoys me about all kinds of topics, so I have learned that I won't get as much support from her as I would like. This parent-child reaction is typical, so try not to let it bug you too much.

So, you've told her. It is done. And now, you can go back to focusing on your recovery for you.

Most importantly, congratulations on the 90 days!!

Asta1

Killing: I have mother issues too. I'll bet most people do of varying kinds. My mother is supportive of my attempt to quit drinking but she ALWAYS finds a way to put a bad spin on everything as well. She is such a "glass half empty" type of person. The way that I have learned to deal with her is to not respond to comments that are distasteful to me and either change the subject, let her rant on with no comment from me (which bugs her no end and she eventually quits), or find I have to answer the door or some other excuse. Unfortunately we can't change our immediate family. My mother has some great things about her and those are the things I try to keep in mind. We live over 2000 miles apart so that helps a bit!! Most discussions are over the phone. Welcome to SR and good luck. Do what is best for you. You don't owe her any explanation of what you do or don't tell other people. It is none of her business. Be strong!

yeahgr8

Somehow you need to detach from the relationship if that makes sense. I get on ok-sih with my mother...kind of...it is helpful to try and think of them as another human being not someone who's opinion and views should automatically be taken on board and analysed. Maybe it's got little to do with your Mum actually and you may have met someone that has the same story which may be just as confusing for you in early sobriety?! I speak to my Mum most weeks now, but it take everything with a pinch of salt it is just for communication, i certainly wouldn't nask either of my parents for advice lol, but then again i wouldn't ask one of the relapse kings (my take on the gypsy kings) who come in and out of my AA meetings either;-)

Sucks though, just accept it for your sake!

Oh yeah the AA thing, you are from a different generation, your Mum is still from the generation that used to keep things behind closed doors and not wanting to look bad in front of the neighbours thing...it doesn't apply to 2009 so much! It's an automatic reaction for them:-)

Mark75

Perhaps she is just trying to be helpful. Maybe she doesn't want you to lose credibility with others... peers, colleagues, family... people who don't know, really, what alcoholism is.

Do a a fourth step on this. This resentment.... What's your part in it?

Mark

Oh... BTW, I've been where you are, but with my wife. Please don't think I'm trying to speak from on high.

smacked

Good thing she has nothing to do with YOUR recovery journey!

Who know's what her deal is.. so many people are messed up in so many ways. She's your mother, not your therapist, sponsor, or even sometimes friend. I don't know what that relationship is like as I wasn't raised with family.. but I have seen it enough to know that a mother/child relationship can be one of the hardest and most issue laden relationship out there.

I'm glad you came here to talk about it.. you do you, let her do her. No need to make her any sort of part of your recovery, sounds like you're doing great on that part!!

ClosetExtrovert

OMG- We have the SAME MOTHER!!!

Horselover

Yup! I love my Mom dearly too, but she always been a "1 up" ya type personality. It used to drive me crazy. I mean competing with your own kids, but I finally figured out that is the way she is wired and I can either accept her the way she is and just let it slide or I can disown her, which 2 of my sisters have. I decided because I certainly am not without fault (don't get me started here) that I would accept her. When she aggravates me with the "Well that happened to me and I . . ." I tune out for a bit. I nod my head occasionally and smile and then give her hug and I am off. Moms also have a knack for making us feel like little kids, but isn't that great? I am not 43 years old to my Mom. I will always be her baby and who doesn't need a bit of tlc at times. Any ways my take. Hugs - Sarah

Anna

I never told my mother that I was an alcoholic, because I knew she would mess with my mind. That's what she did. And, actually part of my recovery was recognizing the fact that she was toxic in my life. So, I stepped back from her in order to take care of myself.

I hope you can focus on your recovery, in spite of your mother.

justanothrdrunk

We must be siblings, because we have the same mother.

wanting

I wonder if it just sort of shines a light on her own problems and she's reacting out of fear.

Congratulations on sobriety and all the work you are doing in AA.