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Today is sucking

Old 11-09-2009, 06:29 PM
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Today is sucking

I'm sorry to fill up the forum with garbage but I am feeling really triggered right now and trying not to drink. I am hoping that getting it all out helps me cope right now. Today has been so stressful.

1. My boss's boss sent me an email with a meeting request called "HR Discussion" and no other information/details. That is definitely very freaky considering the current layoffs we've had. My boss said "don't pack your stuff up," but still I'm kind of nervous - God knows they've lied to employees before about this kind of thing. Fortunately I'm not the only person on the invite.

2. My father-in-law was diagnosed with emphysema today, which is upsetting. Of course he has no plans to quit smoking. He is in his early 50s.

3. My mother-in-law sent my husband a letter with his birthday card about how his stepfather is very upset that we haven't paid a car loan back to them (we have only $200 left to pay!) and how he is only "begrudgingly" agreeing to help pay for a second round of IVF (if the first round fails) because of this. She wrote that she knows we've been paying "here and there" - we set it up with our bank to make an electronic transfer into their account every single month! Plus my husband's stepfather is actually staying with us this weekend, but apparently he's all pissed at us? I was so relieved when they said they would gladly help with IVF (which btw is 5 times LESS expensive than adoption - we cannot afford adoption so please do not judge or ask or give me a hard time about that - we've done our research) but I knew it was conditional. I cannot deal with them dangling this over our heads.

4. I am estranged from my grandparents. My grandmother just had a stroke. She sent my husband a birthday card. In the corner in scratchy writing it said, "our phone number: xxx-xxx-xxxx." That made me SO SO sad and feel so guilty.

5. I took my biology test that I have spent hours and hours studying for and I only got an 82 on it. I derive self-esteem from academics (always have) and this feels terrible. I know it isn't completely my fault bc the prof barely speaks English and his questions are worded terribly. But still, now my A in the class has dropped to an 86. That was kind of depressing, on top of this mess.

6. I had to stop at the grocery on the way home to get a few things. This would normally be my wine run and that was triggering.

7. I am hosting a party this weekend (planned before I admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic) for my girlfriends that will have wine and champagne, and they will all be drinking. That is concerning me.

My first therapy appointment (CBT) isn't until next Wednesday. It really cannot come soon enough. I work every day from 7:45-4:45 and have class after work on Tues-Thurs night until 9 pm. I have never been to an AA meeting and was advised that I probably shouldn't make the first one on Friday, the day of the party. I am not sure I can find one on Wednesday. Maybe I will try to find one online.

I would love to mix myself some martinis (of course as my drinking recently escalated I spent $$$ on really good vodka) and zone out. Instead I worked out, cleaned the kitchen, am now posting on SR. Soon I will have dinner, sort through some mail, and try to do some homework. If I drank tonight I would be hungover tomorrow at that meeting, feel like ****, be exhausted through class, have to rush through my homework, etc, etc.

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Old 11-09-2009, 06:37 PM
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You're right Payton, drinking would only make everything worse.

I think, in recovery, we have to learn how to deal with the stuff of life, and to stay sober, how to manage our emotions and deal with things. It isn't easy. My suggestion is to try focus on one or two positive things that happened during the day. I know sometimes I have to dig deep to find those, but it can help. The best thing I have learned in recovery is that, I have no control over most of what happens in life. I have control over how I react, and that's all. So, try to take a step back and breathe, and you'll get through this.
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Payton View Post
If I drank tonight I would be hungover tomorrow at that meeting, feel like ****, be exhausted through class, have to rush through my homework, etc, etc.
And you would still have all those other problems and they probably would look a lot worse after you drank . Also you would have to put another number down there and add your drinking. Not worth it Payton.

Life sure does suck at times. I could not agree with you more on that sentiment, BUT tomorrow is another day and who knows what great thing might happen.

What does Payton like to do to spoil herself? I like nice hot baths, bookstores, walks, playing on the computer, playing with my son and/or dogs, hot cup of coffee (flavored) or tea, and of course, chocolate.

Don't let drinking be the answer to life's problems because it only creates another problem. You will soon become a mother and believe me there is stress with that job at times. You can handle life Payton. I'm sorry there is so much at once, but you can handle it. Can you meditate? I recently have started that and yoga and it helps. It really does and I'm not just saying that. Hugs - Sarah
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:01 PM
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Oh God. I wish I had good advice for you but I don't. I am right there with you and feel your pain. Can I tell you today I took alleve for no reason besides I am in pain. Not physical but emotional..I knew as I was drinking the water to swallow it down that it was crazy but I felt the need to do something...Can't take this pain anymore.

I can repeat to you a lot of what has been said to me over the past few days if I could remember all of the terrific advice. I have been to 4 meetings and I cannot explain how helpful they have been. I have cried through everyone of them. today I was sobbing so hard I gave myself a huge headache. This is in a room full of people, about 50. I don't even cry in front of my mother and rarely my husband. Never sad cleansing tears..only tears of frustration. To much pride. I am an emotional wreck and today I have made the choice to fix it. Thanks to AA and SR I hope to find the strength to really change the direction my life has been going.

Last night someone said being an alcoholic is 10% alcohol and 90% mental. You are going to have to dig deep (I haven't yet) and find what hurts. You are going to have to fight that voice in your head, which lies, it lies and lies and lies but it is also telling you what you want to hear. You are going to have to find someone to help you. There has to be a meeting you can get to...if you haven't gone I bet you are nervous but that was such a waste of a few days for me...you can go and need to go...you will feel good when you leave..not better...GOOD! the meetings I have been to all end with keep coming back, keep coming back, keep coming back, it works, it works, it works. It is that simple...for me...for right now it is also so true.

Now for the hard part. I know if I had friends coming to my house for a wine and champagne party I would drink. No doubt about it. I would drink and the next day I would drink the leftovers probably earlier then normal since I shouldn't be drinking at all. And I would keep drinking until it was gone...no doubt that is what would happen. the only way I am not drinking now is because I can't see it, it isn't here. Until I have more time and more "tools" I cannot be around alcohol. My mind will take full advantage of that situation and undoubtedly win. Maybe find a meeting Fri night instead. Why would you want to torture yourself anymore then you already are? there is only so much one person can handle and it seems like you have already reached that point.

I hope you are keeping busy, good luck at your meeting tomorrow and breathe deep it helps

Jo
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:01 PM
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That is a rough day, with a lot to deal with so early in sobriety. Stay strong, tackle one thing at a time and remember, we can not control people, places or situations, some things we just need to let go. The Serenity Prayer has helped me with more than one rough patch.

God,please grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can (here is the important part) and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Cathy
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:28 PM
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Thank you all so, so, so much. What wise and incredible people are on SR. I am grateful for you.

My brain is fried right now so I don't feel up to individual replies, but wanted to check in. A new Netflix DVD came so my husband and I watched an episode of Entourage while I ate dinner, which completely distracted me for a bit of time. I feel better now and will not drink tonight...feeling more peace now.

Thank you again.
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Old 11-09-2009, 07:34 PM
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So glad your feeling better. i second the serenity prayer. I have said it more in the past few days then in my entire life. I love entourage...although I have never seen it sober . Glad you had a goodnight. Tomorrow will be a better day...hang in there!

Jo
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Old 11-09-2009, 08:34 PM
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I'm glad SR was able to help today Payton

D
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Old 11-10-2009, 06:17 AM
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Thank you - I am now on Day 7.
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Old 11-10-2009, 06:53 AM
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Congrats on day 7! That's quite an accomplishment!
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:16 AM
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Peyton,

Just remember that by resisting the urge to drink, you will build strength for next difficult situation that comes your way...

You can do this...
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:48 AM
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Congrats on day 7, I found early sobriety far easier by using the heck out of the serenity prayer and maintaining a posotive outlook to stay sober rather then a negative one.

When drinking seemed like a good idea I would look at every single thing I could be grateful for and ask my self is a drink worth losing this over?

Basically I worked at maintaining an attitude of gratitude, if I am grateful I will not drink.

Lifes problems will always be there, but if I am sober I can deal with them, if I am drinking they grow.

I have never solved a problem by drinking, I have caused a great many by drinking, but never solved one.
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Old 11-10-2009, 07:53 AM
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Awww, Payton, I feel for you. There is nothing like the overwhelming feeling of being totally overwhelmed. Glad you got through the day. Take lot's of deep breaths and by all means, be good to yourself. Give yourself a break, you deserve it!!
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:08 AM
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Thank you all so much. I am so humbled by how kind all of you are.

It feels really great to be on Day 7.
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:44 AM
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Hey Payton, you are my inspiration for today! I wish I had had YOUR strength and determination last night, when I gave in and drank. You did the right thing coming here and talking about it. I will think of you today and especially tonight when the little voices start telling me it's okay to drink...and I will come to the board when that happens.

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Old 11-10-2009, 10:00 AM
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Congrats on day 7

Glad to hear you stayed strong and didn't drink through the problems. That alcohol stuff has a habit of making things worse, never better
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by gingerblue View Post
Hey Payton, you are my inspiration for today! I wish I had had YOUR strength and determination last night, when I gave in and drank. You did the right thing coming here and talking about it. I will think of you today and especially tonight when the little voices start telling me it's okay to drink...and I will come to the board when that happens.

Thank you so much! If I see you post, I will absolutely respond!

:ghug2 to everyone.
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