Today is lucky 13 and I am really questioning this.
 

I have been to 4 AA meetings, read a few books, researched on-line, wrtten to you and I cannot get my mind, my heart and my soul to believe all this. Last night at a meeting I said I was an alcoholic. When I spoke I added in I am starting to believe I am an alcoholic but I am still not sure and the feeling that maybe I am not is getting stronger. Now I am spending my day wondering if I really need to this. If maybe I am manifesting it in my mind.

I was talking to my husband last night who seems to be getting a little irritated by the whole situation. He says all I talk about is wanting a glass of wine...well yeah...duh....because I can't have one! I told him maybe I'm not and I'll just resume a normal life...no meeting, no stress, no reading of the books...He said OK then just don't drink...well now...that is the problem. So back to the other side...maybe I am.

Last night I went to only my 4th meeting. I didn't want to be there. I felt disconnected. Sometimes...actually most times I hear people talk and it goes on and on and on. I swear if someone were sharing and in the middle they said they had to go to the bathroom, everyone would nod and wait. I have never spoken in a group without feeling rushed...that doesn't happen at AA. At first it was nice but last night...ugghhh. I also get awfully anxious when people who have been doing this for over 5 years talk. Some have relasped, some just have bad days, some have great days but they all have one thing in common, they have been going to AA for 5 years. 5 YEARS! That is overwhelming. I have always be a joiner and ended up a quiter. One of my favorite bumper stickers was "Rehab is for quiters" ha ha ha ...not so funny anymore.

I guess today I am struggling because I want this flipping back and forth to end. I want to be peaceful and calm and accept the fact I really am an alcoholic. I want to be able to commit to AA and recovery and experience what is on the other side. Even though I don't have a choice really in any of these I still can't get past my mind saying..."I don't want to". Yes I want to be sober, yes I want a better life, no I don't want to wreck my family, my life, No I don't want to die from this disease but I really have such a difficult time picturing this as forever...no drinking ever...AA forever. And I know I am supposed to focus on one day but really that isn't possible. You spend your whole life thinking about the future...that is why we have calendars...to write down things that happen...IN THE FUTURE... so no matter how hard I try, the future always comes to mind...to me it is just normal and I can't seem to reprogram my mind to think otherwise.

I have a meeting at 10:30. I am going but I don't want to.

Jo

Congrats lucky 13!! Just pushing that "Thanks" button was not enough for me . . . I must type THANKS . . .

Good luck Jo :) don't get bogged down by words sweetheart or overwhelm yourself to the point that you just throw your hands up . . . from what I hear, everyone is an individual and no one has the exact same path in life . . . that's the rumor anyway.

much peace sent to you today :)

and ummmm, ps, stay sober ;)

I don't like every share I hear at meetings, sometimes they go on and on, sometimes they seemed "canned"... But sometimes I hear really profound stuff.

Get in the day Jo.... You haven't signed any commitments.... Maybe you are and maybe you're not an alcoholic.... Do you have to decide RIGHT NOW?? Not drinking is not a bad thing that will hurt you.... You can change your direction anytime you want to.

I used to feel like you, still do sometimes. I can do anything I want to do. Right now, today, I won't drink and I'll go to a meeting.

Mark

Jo, I am only on Day 6 - but I know I've made it this far only focusing on a day at a time. I get completely freaked out if I think about forever. I also have that voice in my head that tells me I could just have one drink, maybe I don't really have a problem, etc. If I can't go for 6 days without really wanting a drink to the point where I feel physically or mentally uncomfortable, IMO I have a problem. I am surviving by focusing on the short term.

:ghug3

Hi Jo, I can relate to a lot of your post. I am only one day ahead of you - Day 14 here. I sometimes too go back and forth thinking maybe I really don't have a drinking problem, maybe I can just moderate like many other people, but then I think back to the other times I tried to quit.....I couldn't stay quit. So, I know I have a problem. My husband said just try to not drink for one year. What???? That is a loooonnngg time. I can't do that. I have attended 2 AA meetings so far and sometimes I have a hard time relating to what others are sharing. But I'm going to try to keep going because I know I tried it on my own before and it didn't work. This time is different too because my Higher Power (God) spoke to me one morning and I truly believe that getting sober is His will . I keep going back to that because if He speaks to me I must obey (I know there's a religious section on SR so I'll stop here with that). But the other thing I truly believe is that I was made to do more and be more than what I was when I was drinking. And I'm so looking forward to finding out what that is!

You have got some great shares here. I agree with the one day, one second, one minute......... just baby steps.

Jo, I don't like meetings either. To me they are the big pill I need to swallow every once in a while. To me, they also seem long and dragged out at times, but again, there are some meetings that are wonderful and inspiring. I feel grateful for where I am.

The beginning isn't easy. I knew for myself that it took me YEARS to get where I was and change wasn't going to happen in the first week, month or maybe year. It does take time, it takes patience and it takes commitment. Sounds like a lot, but one day at a time.

My best!! :)

I HATED all of the canned sayings when I first quit. I would try and stay in the day, and thoughts of never drinking and always feeling this way would wash over me. The first month it was several times a day. It wasn't so much that I wanted to drink, because what I had done drunk was unforgivable to me, I just thought it was so unfair that it had happened to me, and I believed my life would really suck not being able to drink.

But it really does go away for many of us. Somewhere between 2 and 3 months something in me lifted or was removed. And I just didn't miss it any more, for that I am grateful.

I was happily sober for about 8 months before I started attending AA. I had expectations of meetings that were way off base. Maybe because I am not there out of desperation, seeking to have the urge removed, I can just sit back and evaluate what they do for me, I don't know. I do know that I like going. I like being around people who get it. people who don't say "then just don't drink" or "you don't have a problem, just have a freakin beer".

So I am just going to tell you hang in there. It gets better. I can truly say I am immeasurably happy that I don't have to rely on a head change for anything anymore. And I have MY life back, booze doesn't get to have its way with me anymore. Which makes the struggle totally worth it.

Jo.. I'll be honest. I don't like meetings either. I don't go to them. I don't use AA, but I knew I had to do something and fast before I completely lost all control and everything in my life. There are other options than AA, I'm pretty sure you know that.. but being an alcoholic and never drinking again has really nothing to do with any specific program or treatment method that you work. If the particular program you've chosen isn't what's best for you, there's lots of options out there. Outpatient groups, rehab, counseling, etc etc. I spent about 6 months in pretty intensive 1:1 counseling with an addicitons psychologist. We rarely talked about drinking, as it really wasn't the main issue. I read lots of stuff there for a while. I'm more the type of person who wanted treatment, and loads of it.. and then I wanted to live my life. I didn't want to become as addicted to 'recovery' as I was to liquor.. I didn't want to be that guy in a meeting (the meetings i used to go to had a handful of people that still went 3 or 4 days a week 20+ years later) still looking for some peace about alcoholism. So I chose not to.. but my choice in that was not to just do NOTHING.

The fact that you're constantly thinking about/wanting a drink speaks volumes to me.. doesn't it to you?

Maybe supplement what you're already doing with some new tools.. I found you can't have too many of em.

I know that if I ever felt on shaky ground and my therapist wasn't available and my books weren't going to answer my questions or provide me the support I needed, my ass would be back in a meeting in a heartbeat.. they were always better people to be around than myself in moments like that.

Just my thoughts..

You don't climb a mountain by standing at the bottom and wondering how slippery it looks. One day at a time is fine :)

Jo you are not alone in hating meetings at the stage you are at, a lot of the meetings early on I did not like them, but I needed them. I needed to know that I was not alone, I needed to know that there were people out there who went through some VERY tough times and still stayed sober.

I used to think "Man am I going to have to go to meetings every day for the rest of my life to stay sober?"

Well I have heard it said in the rooms one should go to meetings until they like to go to meetings! I used to think they were crazy, then I started to like going to meetings, I liked hearing how others stayed sober, I liked sharing something I had found helpful to me with some one who was struggling. I enjoyed the freinds I made.

I no longer go to a meeting every day, I go to 2-3 meetings a week, not because I am struggling, I have not struggled in a couple of years. Today I go to meetings to meet and talk with friends, I go to listen to how others live life, I go to be there for the alcoholic who is still suffering.

Today I go to meetings in the hope that I may accidently share some thing that may help some one else because that right there helps me stay sober more then anything else.

When I first started going to meetings it was because I needed help, today I go to meetings because I may be able to helpo some one else & I may hear something that will help me.

I also go to meetings because I love to see miracles!!!! I love to see some one slowly evolve from a miserable wretch to some one who has a smile on thier face, a twinkle in their eye and talking to a miserable wretch helping them along the path to sobriety.

I will always go to meetings, not because I really need them today to stay sober, but to pass on to others what was so freely givien to me.

If every single person in AA who got it decided to not go to meetings any more where would a newcomer go?

Some need more than meetings IMO.
sitting around AA waiting for something to happen or me to feel better just didn't materialize..

What happened was what sounds like happens to you......i become increasing discontent.......increasingly miserable.
and finally i turn to my solution......i changed that perception and drink.

Until i got a sponsor and learnt the difference between the fellowship and the program....nothing happened.
i could treat drinking by not drinking........but what about the mind of an alcoholic?.....
the bit between my ears that was sick as a small hospital..

how could it be with all the damage id done and all the scrapes id been in i always contemplated doing it again?......and again..........and again.

because i believe most of my alcoholism is not all of it.......centres squarely between my ears.
The 12 steps are the program of action.......the medicine for how i cope with life without a drink.
those first hundred.ish didn't write a book about meetings.......they wrote a book to show you and me precisely how to recover from alcoholism..
a simple 12 step program for drunks like me.

can you find a sponsor?.......do you have a big book?
I'm a baby in AA really but I'm happy to help if i can......feel free to pm me if it helps.

bless you.

You know, in looking back I was pretty miserable until I started taking the steps with my sponsor.

Oh yes I had a sponsor from day one going to meetings, but I really did not know the first thing about the Program of AA until I started to take the steps with my sponsor. WHat I found out as I took the steps was that those people in the meetings who had thier acts together were also the very ones who had taken the steps with a sponsor.

What Trucker said!!! LOL

Jo, my best thinking vs. beginning to act
 

Jo, I've been thinking the same way, a friend told to write down all these mental reservations and hold onto them for future reference. I have in my mind in an on-going debate that NEVER gets resolved, including many of your same questions.

I went to a meeting last night and just listened, 3 people shared about their experience with mental reservations, unresolved questions, even flat-out disbelief; they made progress by following the advice of others. Apparently they put the debate on the back burner and experimented with the 12 steps; one said it works even while firmly believing it would not. Action had broken through their mental log jam.

I learned I need to capture, in writing, what floats through my head. In time some arguments may be resolved, others, like "which came first the chicken or the egg", can remain a mystery. The point is, patterns of thought/my addictive behavior are tightly wrapped together and have subtly constrained my perspective. Thats a fancy way of admitting I'm blind to DENIAL and self-centered fear today; I need help to show me what I can't see.

I thank you for giving me material to adopt for my own list, and for reminding me that right actions are required first in recovery, despite what I may think.

P.S.
Hope you keep going to meetings, especially when you don't want to! We may plan for the future but can only act in the now.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say have that glass of wine already.

Really.

Your brain and its attendant ego are on a quest here of epic and Quixotic proportions, going round and round trying to wrap it's map of the past and future to your every waking moment, and from what I've been reading over the past two weeks, it's got to be exhausting. For you to start to get any relief in the program, you'll need to get to Step 1. From what I've seen, you've pursued that with every intellectual tool of thought and memory you have at your disposal. But of course, sometimes our brains fail us, especially when they're desperately looking for what they think is the best solution. They don't readily conclude failure.

So get there viscerally. Go have that glass of wine. It won't kill you. Well, of course I don't know that, with your medical conditions and standing order from your doctor not to drink and all. But it sounds like you're running out of options to stop this infinite loop in your head, and your husband is getting irritated.

Now armed with this idea of actually having that glass as a possibility, you may feel scared. Scared of what might happen. You may be just as scared of taking that glass as you are to not take it. In that case, you've found yourself trapped in a paradox. Which you're powerless to get out of... so see, now you've kind of gotten to S1, without all the needless...

Aw, heck -- I'm a "raise the bottom" skeptic. I had to march to mine. My quest morphed into a war. My ego and brain and tortured soul and all of the other parties that had a vested interest in keeping my internal war machine churning had to keep going until every last resource was used up and we were on the brink of complete mutual destruction. No side was admitting defeat. I had to play it all the way out to the end in order to then start over at Step 1.

So have the glass. Lob a grenade over the wall. Whatever happens, we'll be here, awaiting reports from the front. I know they'll be good ones.

It is so much more then that actual "glass of wine" isn't it. There is a deeper reason I cry through every meeting then mourning my wine. I AM emotionally exhausted. I can't do this even another day. I wish I didn't complicate things...just don't drink and go to meetings, for some it seems that simple.

At this point it isn't that one drink anymore. Although when I read the words chrisinaustin wrote "go ahead have that glass of wine already" my eyes popped out of my head, my stomach turned and my head said "but I can't!". Every reply to this post has been so helpful...so right on. But that is part of my problem, everything I have encountered in regards to this disease is right on. I can't keep letting this "infinite loop" in my head play. I obviously can't even get through step one alone so why I am even thinking about the rest. I have had many people ask me if I have a sponsor yet. I have had 2 women volunteer. I am going to find the words to get someone, I am going to ask for help.

Thank you to all who replied:)
Jo

life is good sober...that´s all I try to think about....it´s enough...i´m gratefull and I thank the force some call god for this life...

Oh, the obsession of our minds that alcohol has such a foothold in. It is hard sometimes just to realize its not only that we "can't drink" , we decide that we "won't drink".

Do you have the phone numbers of some women who you can call and talk with? Being here is great., but, hearing someones voice is a powerful tool.

Also...try to think of the positive things in our life that you will have not drinking. Sometimes it is as simple as remembering that I won't have a hang over tomorrow...or as complex as remembering that I will be there, present for my family because that is what they deserve....

Peace.