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Today is lucky 13 and I am really questioning this.

Old 11-09-2009, 03:20 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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yeah, I don't think you need to do what Chris suggested at all Jo - in your gut, you already know that's not the solution.

I struggled with the exact same things you're struggling with -
  • 'I've been sober x days - I feel great...I must have overreacted'...
  • 'I'm just in a different obsession now - I used to obsess over drinking, now I obsess over recovery'...
  • 'I just plain don't want this **** hanging over my bloody head every day for the rest of my life...other people don;t have to do this dammit!'
  • 'It's not that hard...have two drinks...and stop....'


I could go on...but you get it.


Every time, but the last, I let those thoughts win, and every time they took me back to drinking....and it was never different...it was often worse, but it was never better.

The last time I quit, I learned not to listen to the crosstalk in my head.

I *detest* change. Especially if I think it's not entirely my idea. But the stakes were pretty high for me, so I knuckled under.

I'm glad I did.

I learned thinking about anything but today is a monumental waste of time and energy. One day at a time does NOT come naturally to me - but it really works.

Bottom line is....you can deal with it now, Jo - or you can be like me and deal with it later...when you've lost so much and the choice is a little more black and white between life and death.

But, if you want a different life than the one you've just come from, you have to deal with it...sometime.

D
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Old 11-09-2009, 03:51 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Try to relax and sit back for a minute hon. You are flying to the moon. You will have these moments when you aren't sure if the air is turned on in your helmet. Don't worry: it is turned on, maybe it doesn't seem like it is, but you have to have a little faith. You are still breathing, right?

You are starting on a journey and you have no idea how it is going to be. It is nice to be able to know how everything turns out ahead of time, but, no, it won't happen with this journey. This is a journey of the unknown, because most of what you have been doing has been habit. Now you are going to break out of that, and you have no idea where it is going to take you or what is going to happen. You ALWAYS knew what was going to happen when you drank, right? Well, you are just not going to know what is going to happen when you are sober.

You have to just get used to not knowing how things will turn out, and get used to YOU not being the factor that controls everything. I know, that is scary as hell. I did not like that in the beginning.

But, I'm glad I took the journey: it meant that last week my sponsor game me a metaphor I will never forget:
"When most people are standing next to the BBQ grill and a spark flies onto their clothing, they brush it off. When a spark of burning charcoal hits the alcoholic's clothing, they fan it until it becomes a flame".
Well, I thought: that's me!

Hah!
If I had not started this journey, I would never have discovered that I am a codie to three alcoholic brothers, and the tools I have acquired in the process of learning have been a huge source of relief.

If I hadn't started this journey 15 months ago, I would not have known the feeling of ease. I didn't know what that meant. Ease? Man, that was not in my vocabulary. Now, it is so cool having that comfortable feeling around people, because before, it was always plasty-Kathy putting on a performance with the fake smile and the fake laughter while I was dying inside, the usual "trying to act sober when I was drunk" two step dance. I am so relieved all that acting is over.

Heck, there is a whole bunch of other stuff I could mention, but, then I would bore you....heee....
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Old 11-09-2009, 04:30 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Jo,

I can feel the anxiety you're feeling just from reading your posts.

For me balance is the key. I'm not an AA person, but I spend a lot of time here at SR. And, everyday I do some kind of exercise, I try to meditate or do something spiritual for myself, maybe reading or writing.

For me, stopping drinking took a few tries, but when I did stop, I felt immediate relief. My brain could no longer go to the place 'maybe I could have one drink'. It was no longer an option. I think you will find relief when you accept that you can no longer drink.
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Sugah's advice for finding a sponsor makes great sense to me. Try asking if you can be their temporary sponsee, its not a marriage.
What a relief it can be to pick-up the phone and just talk through the problems of the day.
Uncomfortable feelings are expected in early recovery and a good sponsor wants to hear about them from you.
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Old 11-09-2009, 06:35 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi Jo,

The struggle to admit we do indeed have a problem is one of the hardest.

Even after we admit it, we don't accept it, till all evidence is in and clear, we have a problem. It's a daily thing for me, I fight it every day, but it's much easier when I accept, for today, that a drink will not help me. I just call myself a drunk , because I am and the term "alcoholic" has too many syllables. I'm a drunk, whether I drink or not, and that's my problem. Even when I don't drink, I still think like a drunk, and changing that mindset is plain tough stuff, lol. It's getting better each day, at least I think so, and I know I feel better, so having a drink today just isn't worth it. It took me a long time to admit my problem, even with tons of evidence, so I know how you feel. I stopped drinking beer by the bottle, pitchers were cheaper and I didn't have to wait in between drinks, so it never was a beer for me, and I'm sure a bottle of wine won't do it for you either, it just gets us started again. Hang in there.
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