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Sad attempt at an intro...

Old 11-06-2009, 03:17 PM
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Sad attempt at an intro...

After my 2nd drink I lose all control. I have a 20 beer a day ritual. After the 6th beer I'm on the metro going to score some coke. My bartender friends buy me drinks. I haven't bought food in weeks. Food is no longer important. I just want to lose myself....hang out in bars and meet other crazies. I've lost every job I've ever had to this. I went to rehab in 2006... lasted 3 weeks until I hopped on a bus to the airport and hit the bar. I've come to grips that I'm a failure at life...and this makes me want to drink more. I spent every cent I had last night. Now I'm broke and alone. I think about suicide every day but don't have the guts to go through with it. I just see this continuing until something accidentally happens that will end it. I'm laughing at myself as I write this... what a joke I am. I can't even feel sorry for myself. I deserve this misery because I'm weak and useless... and I can see insanity not too far in the distance if this continues... life without booze seems impossible to me.... just as much as living with it is.
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:25 PM
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Well, you found us.. that part is good

Hang out, read the things we write, the support we have for each other (and for you, when you want it).. the hope we've found out of similar darkness...

Welcome..
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:26 PM
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Welcome!!!

Alcoholism/addiction are equal opportunity killers.

Weak or strong. Good or bad.

Sounds to me like you've reached the point that many of us did, tired of living but afraid of dying. There is a way out. We call it recovery, maybe you've already discovered how it starts. Do some more reading here.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:33 PM
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hello peoby and welcome to sr.if you are like me and alcoholic then you are not weak,just powerless,there is a difference my friend.and i can relate to the insanity.is it not insane to end up in the places you do,doing the things you do already? i dont say this to make you feel bad,i was the same, throw in a bit of danger and i was there! when i came to the realisation that i was powerless over booze and i was never ever going to beat it and be able to drink "normally" then i was on my way to recovering.i had a chaotic life for 20 years.my boozing took me to drugs too.also promiscuity,police,unwanted pregnancy,violence,you name it.this is a progressive illness and it always gets worse.i too thought about suicide alot and attempted it several times.i was on first name terms with the paramedics.at the begining of this year i had had enough,i was done.i went to AA and got on the 12 step recovery programme.in 9 months my life has changed so much.my outlook on life is one of shear marvel these days and i see things with a new set of eyes.i was a hopeless helpless drunk.i was in the gutter.i reached out to the folk in the rooms of AA and i got help,from people who really understood me like nobody ever had before.are you done? are you willing to go to any lengths to get sober? if you can answer yes to these questions then i suggest you pick up the phone,call the AA helpline and get to a meeting my friend.you have made a huge step by coming here to sr and i have found this site invaluable in my recovery.please make that call,and keep asking for help.it is there if you want it.
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:39 PM
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...life without booze seems impossible to me.... just as much as living with it is....
Thats the one mate.....i had the same dilema..

i was ready to blow my head off........sober.

have you tried aa meetings or a suggested program of action in the form of 12steps.?

it was the only thing that worked for this drunk and believe me i tried all the other ideas i had.
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:42 PM
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Too much of a good thing is bad - like alcohol.

Too much of a bad thing is good - like suffering.

It sounds like you have too much suffering in your life right now. You can choose to look at it as a gift or a burden.

The 4 paradox's;

1. You must suffer to get well.
2. You must surrender to win.
3. You must give it away to keep it.
4. You must die to be reborn.
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Old 11-06-2009, 03:46 PM
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Welcome to SR

Life was dark and there seemed no way out...yup, that was me.

I'm only a few days into sobriety and already I can see the bright days are within reach...


Take care of yourself, Peoby, and stick around some,
TB
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:07 PM
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Thanks for the replies... yet I still fear that my lack of any sense of self-worth will impede any chance at recovery by mistaking it with self-indulgence...
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by peoby View Post
I've come to grips that I'm a failure at life...and this makes me want to drink more. I spent every cent I had last night. Now I'm broke and alone. I think about suicide every day but don't have the guts to go through with it. I just see this continuing until something accidentally happens that will end it. I'm laughing at myself as I write this... what a joke I am. I can't even feel sorry for myself. I deserve this misery because I'm weak and useless... and I can see insanity not too far in the distance if this continues... life without booze seems impossible to me.... just as much as living with it is.
I spent years like this peoby.

I'm glad now my drinking got me to the point where push actually came to shove cos I decided I didn't really want to die yet...

It's been a lot of work, but I got my life back - I got myself back.
You can too.

You're not a joke, you're not weak and useless - you're just like I was -addicted.

Keep reading and posting - you'll find a lot of love support and hope here.

Welcome!
D
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:17 PM
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Peoby... lacking self worth is how most of us got here.

Welcome, again...

TB
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:18 PM
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:26 PM
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Hi Peoby. You sound far from useless. You are intelligent and self-aware. You had the good sense to reach out for help and find this place. We've all felt disgusted with ourselves, that's why we came here for help. We know exactly how you feel, because you are us.

I am a 25 yr. veteran drinker who finally got well thanks to this community. I don't attend AA meetings currently, but plan to give that a try for extra support. Please don't give up on yourself. You can turn this around. Keep talking to us.
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:44 PM
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I'll just repeat .. you found your way here. That's huge.
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:06 PM
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well, you are NOT alone...waves hand....here we all are.
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:11 PM
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Please give yourself the one last chance to recover. Give yourself a chance to get out of that hole you've dug. First thing to do is stop digging. AA has crisis hotlines when you feel that desperate. Give them a call and tell them what's wrong. What can you lose? They'll listen to you and may have some offers of help. What can you lose?

Stick around, give yourself another chance. You're not hopeless, you're addicted. Addictions can be overcome. Give yourself a chance. Let us love you until you can love yourself.

Welcome to SR!:ghug3
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:17 PM
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Welcome to the board - know that you are no longer alone. You deserve to get well - don't ever give up.
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:22 PM
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Hello, glad you found us, grab a chair and stick around
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by peoby View Post
Thanks for the replies... yet I still fear that my lack of any sense of self-worth will impede any chance at recovery by mistaking it with self-indulgence...

I've had to build up my self-worth...and I'm still working on it. It's been a process.

Hang in there and welcome to SR.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:08 PM
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alcoholics are the ones who miss Spirit the most.

I hope you'll choose life, hon.

There's your choice of FREE recovery, NA, AA... you get to pick!

IT's as much fun hanging out with those people
as it is at any bar.

The bartenders buying you drinks is called a 'buyback' ...
you spend so much, or buy so many drinks...
they 'buy' you a drink back ...
it's not a gift.
In some bars it's an obligation.

I tell you this
because I hope to show
that the friends you make in the bar
are your friends.... IN the bar.
They're not there
if you're not buying.

In recovery
your firends
are your firends...
all the time.
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