That smarts
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
That smarts
Hi.
I'm in recovery from multiple addictions.
A year ago a man began to pursue me for a relationship. I found out he was a recovering addict. At that time I'd danced around with my addictions, but had not decided to become sober.
This man is/was very dedicated to the 12 steps.
I came to love him very very deeply.
I began a serious recovery program (not 12 step)
That man and I became involved in what I believed was an honest intimate relationship. Then, he stopped talking to me.
I found out, over the past few weeks that he had been somewhat less than honest with me...and that added insult to the pain and heartbreak of losing the relationship to begin with.
It's really hard for me to understand how someone as dedicated to the steps as he is, as genuinely grateful to them as he is, etc..could have played so dishonestly with me.
I have chosen, and continue to choose daily and several times daily to NOT let the pain and loss and insult of his actions sabatoge my own recovery.
I have chosen and continue to choose daily and several times daily to NOT let the pain, loss and insult of his actions poison myself against 12 step programs.
We each of us are responsible only for our own behavior and choices, and for our own behavior and recovery.
This experience has been one of the most painful of my life, and one of the most eye opening.
I find myself asking "how does he expect to maintain recovery when..." and stop myself...that is HIS issue, not mine.
Working MY program will help me make appropriate choices for myself today and for the rest of my life, including in relationships I will enter into...it's hard to even think about that, about loving again, trusting again.
Had this happened before I found recovery, I'd have used it as an excuse to use/abuse and indulge in every pathetic behavior I was prone to, but not today. Today, it makes me that much more dedicated to my own recovery so I can make better choices for myself AND my future partners.
Had this happened before I found recovery I'd have used it as proof of what a big lie 12 steps are, etc.
But now I know better, I know that I can use this to boost me instead of to bash me. I can let go of it, realize that his choice is all about him. NOT about me and take care of myself instead of paralyzing myself into place with substances.
THAT is what sobriety has done for me.
I am going through one of the most painful losses in my life...sober...even though the issue of addiction and recovery are all over this situation, I am making it through. I refuse to lose what I've gained over someone else's issue with their program.
wow...
I really hurt and I can use all the spare hugs you have, but wow...I really wanted to share that
I'm in recovery from multiple addictions.
A year ago a man began to pursue me for a relationship. I found out he was a recovering addict. At that time I'd danced around with my addictions, but had not decided to become sober.
This man is/was very dedicated to the 12 steps.
I came to love him very very deeply.
I began a serious recovery program (not 12 step)
That man and I became involved in what I believed was an honest intimate relationship. Then, he stopped talking to me.
I found out, over the past few weeks that he had been somewhat less than honest with me...and that added insult to the pain and heartbreak of losing the relationship to begin with.
It's really hard for me to understand how someone as dedicated to the steps as he is, as genuinely grateful to them as he is, etc..could have played so dishonestly with me.
I have chosen, and continue to choose daily and several times daily to NOT let the pain and loss and insult of his actions sabatoge my own recovery.
I have chosen and continue to choose daily and several times daily to NOT let the pain, loss and insult of his actions poison myself against 12 step programs.
We each of us are responsible only for our own behavior and choices, and for our own behavior and recovery.
This experience has been one of the most painful of my life, and one of the most eye opening.
I find myself asking "how does he expect to maintain recovery when..." and stop myself...that is HIS issue, not mine.
Working MY program will help me make appropriate choices for myself today and for the rest of my life, including in relationships I will enter into...it's hard to even think about that, about loving again, trusting again.
Had this happened before I found recovery, I'd have used it as an excuse to use/abuse and indulge in every pathetic behavior I was prone to, but not today. Today, it makes me that much more dedicated to my own recovery so I can make better choices for myself AND my future partners.
Had this happened before I found recovery I'd have used it as proof of what a big lie 12 steps are, etc.
But now I know better, I know that I can use this to boost me instead of to bash me. I can let go of it, realize that his choice is all about him. NOT about me and take care of myself instead of paralyzing myself into place with substances.
THAT is what sobriety has done for me.
I am going through one of the most painful losses in my life...sober...even though the issue of addiction and recovery are all over this situation, I am making it through. I refuse to lose what I've gained over someone else's issue with their program.
wow...
I really hurt and I can use all the spare hugs you have, but wow...I really wanted to share that
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I'm so sorry that you are hurting now. Not everyone who talks the talk is walking the walk. What I've found in the rooms are that some of the biggest talkers...are actually the weakest walkers. And some of the humblest talkers...really work it.
You're right about if someone is really working an honest program, they don't deal in lies just to get a woman interested. That being said, none of us works it perfectly, and in my experience, romantic relationships are one of the last places we act out in.
Even when we are doing well in every other relationship in our life, some of us throw the principles away when it comes to our partner. Some people justify it. I've heard some men in the program say "Every smart rabbit has more than one hole." My answer to that is always "What are you hiding from that you need a bunch of holes?"
Good for you in working your program one day at a time and staying clean. Obviously, he wasn't worried about your recovery, though he may have acted as if he was at the time. This happened to me when I was new, too. I feel like my relationship "picker" got a whole lot better with a year of clean time and some step work.
Love,
KJ
You're right about if someone is really working an honest program, they don't deal in lies just to get a woman interested. That being said, none of us works it perfectly, and in my experience, romantic relationships are one of the last places we act out in.
Even when we are doing well in every other relationship in our life, some of us throw the principles away when it comes to our partner. Some people justify it. I've heard some men in the program say "Every smart rabbit has more than one hole." My answer to that is always "What are you hiding from that you need a bunch of holes?"
Good for you in working your program one day at a time and staying clean. Obviously, he wasn't worried about your recovery, though he may have acted as if he was at the time. This happened to me when I was new, too. I feel like my relationship "picker" got a whole lot better with a year of clean time and some step work.
Love,
KJ
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