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I've had it!!

Old 11-06-2009, 05:46 AM
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I've had it!!

Hello everyone, My username is WhiteRose18. This is the first time i've ever done something like this, but as my title says "i've had it"! I'm living this secret ugly life, and i feel like the real me is just this lil voice trapped inside this body that has let heroin take control over. Nobody knows that i use dope, or that i've been using since 2005. I don't want this in my body, and i haven't wanted it in my body since 2006. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I tried going to a hospital to detox, but i only lasted 12 hours, cuz i couldn't stop crying. I work and go to school, and i don't know how to start the recovery process without people finding out. My legs are always hurting, i can't sleep, and my face is constantly breaking out! I can't go on vacation for fear i won't have enough dope to last me. To top it all off, i have anxiety and been diagnosed with depression since i was like 12! I don't want this drug to keep controlling my life....Im 31 years old and i can't believe its gotten this far. I only use to get thru the day, so im not sick. But i've become this whole other person and i fear that people are starting to notice. I don't clean my house anymore, i don't go anywhere and i was never like this. I was a neat freak and i liked hanging out with friends and going to dinner and hanging with my family. Now im just trapped in this messy ass house, and only take a shower when im going to work. Then i go to school, but i definitely make sure that my boyfriend gets my dope for me so that i can function at work and school and then i come home and do absolutely nothing. I can't sleep so i pretty much live off of 10 hours of sleep a week, if even that. I know im rambling, but this is the first time i've said any of this to anyone. I just need help....I just want to start to get off, but i don't know how. Im very scared of the w/d process because of the pain im in already. I was hit by a bus in 2005 and needed surgery for my arm and my foot was in a cast. i got hooked on vicodins and when those ran out my friend gave me some heroin and some how i got hooked, when i swore i would never do it! But i am Done and I have had it, and i just need some advice on how to take the first step. Mentallly i believe im prepared...but what's next??

Thank u for letting me let this out....it was very hard!!!
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:52 AM
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welcome to SR whiterose.. this is an excellent site! my name is john and i'm an alcoholic who smoked a LOT of pot before i really started drinking heavy. you picked a good place to find support. others will be along shortly..
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:06 AM
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hello whiterose and welcome to sr.im a recovered alcoholic so i cant help you with your herion addiction,but there will be plenty of people that can help you along shortly.stick around sr.you will gets lots of support here.well done for making the best descision you will ever make.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:09 AM
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Welcome, I'm sure a lot of people will be here soon to advise you.
I'm Marion and I'm an alcoholic. You made the right decision.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:10 AM
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Welcome to SR and yes you can stop. You don't have to live like that anymore. You have decide on a recovery program. You mentioned you tried detoxing at a hospital but you didn't stay with it because you were crying. You will cry and it won't be easy, but isn't anything better then what you are experiencing now? It was for me. Don't despair, but do find a definite form of recovery. You can go to meetings. There is AA, NA, Smartrecovery, Salvation Army has programs, but I would recommend talking to a doctor and being very honest about what you are doing. The secret is killing you. People shouldn't look down on you because you are trying to get well. You can do i hon, but you have to want it more then you want to use. Sobriety rocks!
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:22 AM
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welcome, huge hugs. You can do it, and you will have more friends and company and community than you ever dreamed possible! I mean, there are a LOT of us who found ourselves addicted and made a break with it.

It's a process, and you've started it. So, welcome to the world of recovery, you are not and never can really be again a hopeless addict, because you've already cracked open the blinds and let some light in, you are one of us now and we are so happy to have you.

I'll echo a previous poster, see a doctor first if that is at all an option. And please don't ever be afraid of taking steps to improve your situation. Getting caught in recovery is 10,000 times better than being found out as a dedicated user.

Detox isn't fun, but I've been through it and believe me, a few days of hell....(come on you've already had plenty of those) is worth the freedom they bring, well well worth it. You will never regret pushing through to the other side.

Don't talk yourself out of this before you even begin, don't think of all the reasons why it might fail...instead look at all the lives of people here who can tell you for real that recovery happens, there are life building options available and that YOU coming here helps US recover as well.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:30 AM
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Welcome to SR! You've made the first step.
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:48 AM
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Welcome Whiterose. Will PM you a link for contact and getting resources for your area there in IL. My best to you. I know how it feels to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. :ghug3
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:54 AM
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:56 AM
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Welcome to SR whiterose, I am Martin and I am an alcoholic, you seek advise and all I can offer is what worked for me.

1. I became HONEST!!! Brutally honest with myself and politley honest with all others. I honestly admitted to myself that I had no idea how to even get sober any more, little lone stay sober! I was physically addicted to alcohol, I had to drink in order to funtion daily. I drank when I did not want to drink.

I went to a doctor who specialized in alcoholism & drug addiction & I told him the WHOLE truth about my drinking, what happened to me when I drank and what happened to me when I did not drink.

2. Open Minded, I had to be OPEN minded about ALL things, I have had to try things that I had never done before without saying to myself "This will not work!" or "I will not do this because I do not want to."

3. I became WILLING....willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. The doctor told me I needed to be medically detoxed, I went into detox. In detox they told us every day "If you want a chance to stay sober go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor" Well I was WILLING and even though I really at first did not want to I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I got a sponsor. In AA I was told if I wanted a chance at long term happy sobriety to take the steps with my sponsor, well I was not thrilled about that, but I did it!!!

Was the above easy? Heck no, it was tough as hell at first, but my life slowly turned around, as I did the above things kept getting better and eventually that mental obsession to drink was lifted entirely, I became comfortable in my own skin and at peace with myself and the world. Is my life perfect? Heck no, but in comparison to where I was at, I am on cloud 9, today I live life on lifes terms, I still have problems, but I am able to deal with them, not dwell on them and let them own me.

I would suggest that:

1. You go to a doctor who specializes in alcoholism & addiction and be totally honest with the doctor.

2. Follow the doctors suggestions, BTW if he offers you a choice between Methadone maintence and detoxing, from every CLEAN herion addict I know, it is easier in the long run to be detoxed of off the herion then it is to be weaned off of Methadone.

3. You may want to do some really hard thinking about the boy"FRIEND", just my opinion, but some one who loves some one does not supply them with herion! My wife loves me and would never have even bought me a single beer when I was drinking, she knew I was killing myself and refused to help me do it!

4. You may want to consider finding some one who really loves you and telling them the truth and have them help and support you through this.

5. Get into some sort of LONG TERM recovery program, NA, AA, SMART or what ever.

2 things you need to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE & you can kick this if you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay clean, it will not be easy, I know several clean junkies and have seen them go through pure hell and then walk out into the light of the real world!
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:03 PM
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Hi whiterose

lots of good advice here already - please also check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome - you'll find a lot of support here
D
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:09 PM
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Welcome Whiterose,

I am so glad that you are seeking support.
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