flutter

Well this is going to probably sound stupid.. and I never start new threads, so bear with me while I try to be concise and at the same time try to get out what happened here. Nothing bad, it's ok

So apparently (those of you who use Tmobile know this already) my cell network is down. Has been for like 3 hours. I have no land line. Knowing that my hubby would worry that he can't reach me, and also knowing that he wouldn't have thought to google or something to find out that the entire network is down, I react by emailing him, sms texting him.. changing my facebook status, to reflect that there's an issue and I can't be reached. No biggie. I could care less, honestly.. I hate the phone anyways.

So I'm chillin.. eating a snack, go to put laundry away and my doorbell starts going out of control, and the knocks and kicks at my door are enough to about make me jump out of my skin. I put down what I'm doing, go answer the door, by then I just KNEW it was my parents. They live about 10 min from here..

What happened next, was what has happened to me a dozen times in the past..usually when I got too drunk to answer the phone, or felt like not answering because I was drunk and didn't want anyone to know. My parents were here, of course to check on me, he had called them.. he was worried about me, I am 35 weeks pregnant after all.

Did they think I was drinking? My mom looked at me when I finally opened the door, the same exact way she used to look at me to see if she could tell that I'd been sipping vodka all day. That searching of my eyes, and I could tell she was so hoping not to find, smell, notice anything 'off'.

I haven't had a drink since December 17th of last year.. this shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. I swear it's like some sort of post trauma disorder.. after I reassured them that I was fine, and 'proved' to them that the network was down.. after I talked to my hubby from THEIR phone, and told him to check his email because he had probably a dozen or so from me about the phone issue.. and my parents left, relieved for many more reasons than they will ever admit to me, I cried. I don't know why.. I'm still crying.

My life 'back then', when this 'omg something's wrong with Jess go check on her' thing was routine.. was horrifying. Even in such an innocent and silly situation.. it brought me back to a place that I only see now in my nightmares, and only remember with a shudder.

Maybe I'm just being pregnant and hormonal.. but that really sucked.

Thanks for letting me spill this here.

Boleo

I know a guy who after 20 years of sobriety says his wife still smells his breath whenever he walks in the door.

Hevyn

I would have reacted just the same. You've come so far, and who wants to be reminded of those nightmare times? I've had similar things happen to me & I get very angry and defensive. Then I try to give people a break and remember what they went through with me. It still hurts, though. I hope you'll be feeling better about it soon, & I'm glad you came to us to discuss it.

tellus

God, that's a horrible feeling, isn't it? Occasionally I'll forget to turn my phone ringer on after classes (I don't have a landline either), and inevitably those are the days my mom tries to call me. She still freaks out when she can't reach me -- and I don't blame her, it's been less than two years. At the same time, though, those freakouts hurt. Even now, when I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, I get that nasty guilty "I let Mom down" dread I had constantly when I was drinking. So we made a deal: I will do my best to answer my phone, I'll let her know in advance when I won't be available, and she will email me and give me an hour or two to respond before freaking out. So far, it's worked: I'm never far away from my computer, so she doesn't have to wait long for me to reply. And I try to keep in mind that I worried my family sick for a very long time, and they're still healing (as am I).

Maybe you can work out something similar with your family? As important as it is for us to cut our families some slack in the worrying department, there are always going to be times when we just can't be reached, and those old ghosts of distrust do hurt. Making some sort of deal for those situations might ease your family's minds a bit.

chrisinaustin

I had something similar happen to me. Much consternation and worry ensued -- with good cause. Because of the years of stress I caused friends and family, there is no time limit on when I can expect any of them to let their guard down -- that's up to them. All I can do is live my life as I need to, and be willing to accept and/or minimize their stress where I can. Along those lines (no pun intended) and going by the maxim "always have a backup", after going cell-only for years -- I got a landline.

Gypsy Feet

My situation is a little different, in that most of the people who care about me are active drinkers and/or drunks. I get the "wow, your still sober?" all the time, and the occasional "well, I guess thats good as long as its what you want".

You know, we see the people on these forums who go back at it time and time again. After having been to a dozen AA meetings or so, the devastation is made even more real for me. Some people have such a different recovery road than we did honey.

I am grateful your parents live so close they can come check on your pregnant self. I am happy for you that your husband still loves you so much he worries himself silly. I am sorry you were remind of the dark times today.

Should have guessed it would be one of those weeks by how badly your team did Sunday

e-hugs <3

Dime

That sounds like a scary experience to go through but the good part is that you are doing wonderfully today and you have people that love you very much.

Wow 35 weeks already, how exciting!! I bet you will have a wonderful holiday season this year!

c49

It takes time to get their trust back. Some need more time than others. Have a chat with them today.

Tazman53

Flutter hon you should feel good that they still care, I know folks that it took years and years of sobriety before their children would even talk to them, let alone allow them selfs to care about them.

After at least 10 years of me breaking promises and lying about my drinking, my wife once I did get sober trusted me about as far as one could throw an ocean liner. I was sober at least 6 months before she even began to think I might be serious about this sobriety thing and did not feel I was going to make it untli I had about 9 months sober.

At that point she started going to a speakers meeting with me once a week, she told me with a big grin on her face "I love those meetings, the speakers give me real hope that you are going to make it." AA gives hope even to the friends and families of recovering alcoholics.

Please be thankful they care, the trust will come in time.