This is a great thread. I have found myself trying to relive my "good" drinking days and it's not happening. In fact, they are getting worse. Ironically, I think this is a positive thing because it's going to be the thing that makes me stop. Once you get that idea in your head, you can't re-create the fun of the past (and believe me, it was not all fun -- but still, there was some fun) I think it becomes easier to let it go. It just doesn't have its magic anymore. And for me, it has become the opposite of magical -- more like poison.

I went to a few AA meetings recently (my first few) and felt shakey talking about myself in front of a large group. I think that is normal. I am also in therapy and was really surprised at how easily I start crying when talking about myself. Therapists are trained to do that, I guess, and from what I can see, it's very healthy to feel all these emotions that are there (and for me, I have probably been pushing them below the surface).

I am reading that book, Anna, for the second time. It is excellent.

I think your experience is common. A lot of people are sad to give up alcohol. I was spent! I still feel so relieved to know that I can quit. I thought I was screwed! I kind of thought I would die drunk. Now I have some hope and I can see how life can exist without alcohol.

Dear Girlbythelake,

I went to my first few meetings and sat in the back with my arms folded around myself to keep myself from falling apart. I choked back tears and was petrified to even introduce myself to anyone. I would dash out as soon as the meetings were over and cry hysterically alone. One time, when I finally could talk to someone at the end of a meeting, I honestly was crying so hard, that I thought I might vomit. I couldn't really talk. I tried to talk, and eventually said my name and a couple of other things that didn't make much sense, and got some phone numbers that I never called.

Months later, I still cry. I think it's a combination of grief (no more wine--my best friend is gone), anger (why me??) shame (I'm pathetic-how did this happen?), embarrassment (please don't look at me!), RELIEF (thank God I don't have to pretend anymore), and also kind of being overwhelmed at how much love people have shown me. It's almost too much to bear. I guess I haven't shown myself a lot of love over the years. Maybe some of this resonates with you.

It sounds like you are in the right place. I wish you well on this journey. Keep coming to SR and doing whatever else you need to stay sober. This community (SR) is awesome, and has helped me so much. Peace out.